tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-294302202024-03-14T22:49:49.054+13:00The Kiwi HeraldNews too good to be true from Moenui (Pop. 421) current holder of The Northern Region Best Kept Grass Verge Awardjohnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.comBlogger202125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-7937224598589077482008-07-02T10:35:00.006+12:002008-07-02T11:28:05.418+12:00COWAN HYSTERIA GOES GLOBALA special emergency session of the African Union last night called on the NZ Rugby Union to remove halfback Jimmy Cowan from the test team against the Springboks, saying the role model was "not fit to serve." A spokesman for the leaders summit told awai<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/SGq6JjoNq2I/AAAAAAAAAQE/uEGpuqyKfAs/s1600-h/cowan4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 136px; height: 172px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/SGq6JjoNq2I/AAAAAAAAAQE/uEGpuqyKfAs/s320/cowan4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5218187791607638882" border="0" /></a>ting reporters<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/SGq5IwgtHdI/AAAAAAAAAP0/eg3JMr9zdpI/s1600-h/robert-mugabe1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 139px; height: 172px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/SGq5IwgtHdI/AAAAAAAAAP0/eg3JMr9zdpI/s320/robert-mugabe1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5218186678374309330" border="0" /></a> that "We can hardly sanction Robert Mugabe if one of the premiere number nines on the planet is allowed to behave disgracefully and get away with it."<br />The call by African leaders was echoed around the world after saturation media coverage in NZ was taken up abroad. <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/4/story.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10519496"> Cowan, </a>who faces three charges of disorderly conduct, prompted Condaleeza Rice to interrupt her summit with Chinese officials to announce that President Bush would be meeting with other leaders to "come up with a raft of sanctions against the evil doer."johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-2977900722484501022007-11-15T12:42:00.000+13:002007-11-15T13:01:56.140+13:00POLICE STAGE TERROR RAID<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RzuMSQcSF6I/AAAAAAAAAPk/MjdC9OMXyQQ/s1600-h/insult.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RzuMSQcSF6I/AAAAAAAAAPk/MjdC9OMXyQQ/s200/insult.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5132850445597939618" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">A day after the </span><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10476182">NZ police raided the home of Iraena Asher</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> in connection with the Urewera terrorist alert, Moenui police attempted to raid the tomb of the unknown soldier in a search for military clothing and parephenalia. The attempt was aborted however when the taxi in which they were travelling took them to the wrong address.</span></span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-34586357565251894392007-11-12T14:45:00.000+13:002007-11-15T12:42:47.868+13:00"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rzeyp2LfAVI/AAAAAAAAAPc/MJmPSLFd4ok/s1600-h/gag.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rzeyp2LfAVI/AAAAAAAAAPc/MJmPSLFd4ok/s320/gag.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5131766732400034130" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">The Kiwi Herald </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">is</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive. </span><br />A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline <span style="text-decoration: underline;">D</span><a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10475414">emocracy Under Attack</a> and reappeared in the <span style="font-style: italic;"> Kiwi Herald</span> later in the day with an even more striking banner-<br />"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"<br />The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."<br />"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"<br />The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.<br />Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.</span><span> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><p><span style="font-size:130%;">The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel<br /></span></p>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-26975023287611517532007-11-11T11:09:00.000+13:002007-11-11T13:22:35.104+13:00"FERNS WON'T CHOKE," SAYS COACH<span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Silver Ferns coach Julie Aitken today said that the Silver Ferns would not 'choke' in the World Champs and revealed that management had taken to pre-chewing and regurgitating all player food in an effort to end the "choking epidemic" by NZ teams in big events. </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />The NZ players, who famously choked in the 1999 World Championship final, agreed to dine on pre-digested food after the entire All-Black team choked while playing in Paris recently.<br />"We got in medical advice straight after that and got some pretty sound pointers," said Aitken. "Much of the advice was the sort of thing my mother used to say: "Don't suck on sweeties while you are running about at playtime and chew your food properly before swallowing."</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RzY_TGLfAUI/AAAAAAAAAPU/U8uHeWTGiS4/s1600-h/netball.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RzY_TGLfAUI/AAAAAAAAAPU/U8uHeWTGiS4/s320/netball.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5131358422744105282" border="0" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"We've also placed a ban on team members playing with marbles, and small c</span><span style="font-size:130%;">oins."</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Right: An Australian player about to administer the Heimlich Manoevre</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> to a distressed Siver Fern in a recent match</span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-78360529085493705932007-09-13T19:32:00.000+12:002007-09-13T20:43:16.979+12:00SIS SAYS TOJO NO LONGER A THREAT<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Ruj1hMaNtdI/AAAAAAAAAPM/bPZTxy73CVM/s1600-h/GoodnightKiwi-grab.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5109603727867491794" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" height="218" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Ruj1hMaNtdI/AAAAAAAAAPM/bPZTxy73CVM/s320/GoodnightKiwi-grab.png" width="301" border="0" /></a> <strong><span style="font-size:130%;">The SIS today moved to calm a worried populace, announcing that Japanese leader Tojo, the y2k bug and the Goodnight Kiwi are not considered security threats to New Zealand. </span></strong><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The dramatic announcement came this afternoon from the Moenui Meat Pie & Magazine shop, a favourite haunt of the head of the Security Intelligence Service Dr Warren Tucker. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Speaking to a hushed gathering of the media Dr Tucker said that while the three were "clearly a risk at one time, the SIS has reviewed the evidence and can now reassure the public that they no longer pose an imminent threat to peace, security and the enjoyment of World Rugby Cup coverage."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Members of the public spoken to by the Kiwi Herald were elated by the news. The Harbour patrol team are welcoming the chance to take a break from their nightly surveillance of the shoreline and Moenui Craft shop owner Dot Cossie said that she will at last be able to turn on the computer she has not used since 1999. She felt great relief knowing that she could check out 'happy-new-Millenium emails, safe in the knowledge that I won't catch some terrible bug.'</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush said that he expected the Masonic Sports Bar would be filled this weekend, 'now that punters know that the bloody Kiwi won't be putting out the cat at 11 o'clock.'</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It will be like watching Kirky and his boys in '87 all over again, except this time in the middle of the night. Every true-blue New Zealander will be up for it. I even reckon that <a href="http://stuff.co.nz/4200782a10.html">Ahmed Zouie</a> joker and his mates with the dog collars will be celebrating with a few cool ones and a bit of a Kamate Kamate come the weekend."<br /></span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-25726601142749446802007-08-16T15:56:00.000+12:002007-08-17T08:35:00.197+12:00NZ'S HISTORY DISPUTED AS RAIN FALLS<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RsPe7ZUY2GI/AAAAAAAAAPE/etJU5IHkbwk/s1600-h/floods.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5099164315103582306" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RsPe7ZUY2GI/AAAAAAAAAPE/etJU5IHkbwk/s320/floods.JPG" border="0" /></a> <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/4166090a11.html"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>New research suggesting New Zealand was underwater till 23 million years ago have </strong></span></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>been rubbished in Northland. Moenui farmer Ossie MacDonald says the claims are "complete bloody nonsense" and "typical of the tripe dished out by those pointy-headed buggers at the University." </strong></span><div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Speaking from his tractor on a hill overlooking his seaside Moenui farm, Mr MacDonald said that he had personally witnessed his bottom paddock emerging from the ocean only last week but "the bloody thing is fast submerging again under this endless bloody rain."</strong></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;">However Mr MacDonald did concur with one part of the Massey University research. The Massey scientists had suggested that following the emergence from the sea, life-forms dispersed here rather than evolved locally.</span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yep, there's a fair amount of truth in that observation," commented Mr MacDonald. "We've actually been inundated with political species from God-knows-where; all getting their photos took and feigning concern. Them and media sorts. </span><span style="font-size:130%;">Mind you the buggers migrated pretty quickly once they found there was no cafe in town." </span></div></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-30401711671320038332007-07-23T12:01:00.000+12:002007-07-23T14:27:57.940+12:00ALL BLACKS DISGRACE BLAZER IN LATE NIGHT ORGY<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RqQRTRJmEHI/AAAAAAAAAO0/LphybCwRt_Y/s1600-h/hot-choc-with-churros.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5090212501554335858" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" height="266" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RqQRTRJmEHI/AAAAAAAAAO0/LphybCwRt_Y/s320/hot-choc-with-churros.jpg" width="194" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>The All Black squad was in crisis mode this morning after a number of them 'snuck out of bed after lights-out for a late night orgy of cocoa drinking and gingernut-dunking.'</strong> </span><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Coach Graham Henry, who became aware of the behaviour when there were no biscuits at morning tea, is believed to be very disappointed that 'some boys have let themselves and the blazer down.'</span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">The late night shenanigans are the latest in a series of player misdemeanours the most recent of which involved chris Jack and Carl Hayman posing for photographs wearing Dan Carter's underpants. "They were being rude," an informant told the <em>Kiwi Herald.</em> "Dan was really upset because when he put the underpants on they had gone all saggy and the other boys laughed at him." On another occasion Troy Flavell apparently got a good telling off when he forgot the words of the National Anthem and sang "God of Nations tweet tweet tweet, God defend our toilet seat."</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">None of the players involved in the latest incident were due to play any time soon, in fact one of them, John Schwalger, regularly has to be convinced that he did not dream once playing in a test match. Sources say this isn't surprising since Graham Henry routinely mistakes Scwhalger for a ball-boy.</span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile Ali Williams has returned to the squad after on-going dizzy spells. Inside sources say that doctors have advised the team management that further player rotation could cause a relapse. </span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-31615666743932120612007-07-21T11:36:00.000+12:002007-07-23T11:53:50.721+12:00FLOOD RELIEF PACKAGE 'LIKE XMAS'<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RqPtzRJmEGI/AAAAAAAAAOs/NB8PDq8OB-Q/s1600-h/benson-pope2.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5090173468891549794" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RqPtzRJmEGI/AAAAAAAAAOs/NB8PDq8OB-Q/s320/benson-pope2.JPG" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A flood relief package for the recently ravaged North announced today by Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker is being keenly anticipated by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Moenui</span> residents.</strong> </span><div><br /><br /><p><span style="font-size:130%;">The large plain brown paper package is believed to contain a signed photograph of Team NZ members in sunny Valencia and a CD of a Libretti composed especially by NZ artist Stuart Hoare who is currently enjoying a French summer as the Catherine Mansfield fellow. The Libretti, entitled "Drowning in Sunshine" is described as being 'uplifting in a smug kind of way.' </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;">"This will be a real pick-me-up," craft shop owner Dot <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Cossey</span> told the Herald. "A parcel from Mr Barker will be such a relief. It will be just like Xmas."</span></p><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Also included in the package is free entry to the District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses which boasts a section on "dealing with life's difficult problems."</span></div><br /><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">That "just sounds made-to-order for us," said Mrs <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Cossey</span>. </span></div><br /><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile sources close to Cabinet say that at the eleventh hour Government abandoned plans for 100 lucky recipients of the package to receive a personal phone-call from Conservation Minister David Benson-Pope in which he would "provide encouraging advice about future prospects."</span></div></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-81986299885572447222007-07-08T15:56:00.000+12:002007-07-08T16:16:02.990+12:00WOMEN TO CARRY HUSBANDS<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RpBiXfBv6cI/AAAAAAAAAOY/nkjl7iUF_u4/s1600-h/wifemain.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5084672134906636738" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RpBiXfBv6cI/AAAAAAAAAOY/nkjl7iUF_u4/s320/wifemain.jpg" border="0" /></a> <strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Moenui will host next year's World Husband Carrying Championship. The announcement comes hard upon the heals of the successful </span></strong><a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/2/story.cfm?c_id=2&objectid=10450319"><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">World Wife Carrying Championship</span></strong></a><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"> staged in Finland; an event dominated by Estonia.</span></strong><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">In announcing the event Agnes Hapi said the women of Moenui would "win the championship hands down," adding that "most women here have been carrying their useless bloody husbands their entire married lives."</span></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-51217563562105668062007-06-25T09:52:00.000+12:002007-06-25T22:34:51.461+12:00BIN LADEN BACKING BLACK BOAT<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rn70wYrN7JI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/TVct8mjeDhU/s1600-h/cup.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079766541815114898" style="margin: 0px 0px 10px 10px; float: right;" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rn70wYrN7JI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/TVct8mjeDhU/s320/cup.jpg" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.<br />The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, <em></em>explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.</strong> </span><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for <em style="font-style: italic;">a Jihadist Sport</em><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>website told the <em>Kiwi Herald.</em> "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force." </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile the<em> Kiwi Herald</em> can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.</span></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-81836836781882959742007-06-01T11:41:00.000+12:002007-06-01T14:54:50.160+12:00TAMAKI, TAITO OFFERED CABINET POSTS<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rl-J5XekyZI/AAAAAAAAAOI/lIYM0hLAqAI/s1600-h/brian%2520tamaki.jpg"><strong><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5070923324090272146" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rl-J5XekyZI/AAAAAAAAAOI/lIYM0hLAqAI/s320/brian%2520tamaki.jpg" border="0" /></strong></a><strong> <span style="font-size:130%;">John Key today offered Bishop Brian Tamaki a Cardinalship should the Destiny New Zealand Party join the Key led Government following the next election. The move came shortly after the National Party leader stunned observors by saying that he was prepared to appoint a</span></strong><a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10443077"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong> Green Party member as Minister for the Environment</strong></span></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong> in exchange for that party's support.</strong><br /></span><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Announcing the offer, the increasingly warm and inclusive Mr Key said that he could work with anyone. "Make me Prime Minister and I will make everyone happy," he smiled. He then went on to announce a possible cabinet line-up that included the following members of other parties should they agree to join his Government:</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Taito Philip Field (Party yet to be named) -Minister of Immigration </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Jim Anderton (Progressive) -Minister in Charge of the Reserve Bank</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Winston Peters (NZ First) - Minister in charge of Overseas Travel</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Tariana Turia (Maori Party) - Minister for De-Colonisation</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Mihael Appelby (Legalise Cannabis Party) - Minister of Mental Health</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Graeme Cairns (McGillicuddy Serious Party) - Minister for Scottish Devolution</span></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-74599926328099871112007-05-29T22:44:00.000+12:002007-05-30T12:03:26.077+12:00NCEA REVAMP NEEDS REVAMP<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rly-vXekyYI/AAAAAAAAAOA/N5pTUgGZ1Rk/s1600-h/examsPA231106_228x490.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5070137001477720450" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rly-vXekyYI/AAAAAAAAAOA/N5pTUgGZ1Rk/s320/examsPA231106_228x490.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A revamp of the NCEA exam system was welcomed by Moenui Principal Hone Morris yesterday as 'meritorious and approaching excellent but failing to achieve some things.' Speaking exclusively to the <em>Kiwi Herald</em> after all other news outlets refused to take his call, Mr Morris commented that the new gradings gave schools a greater range of awards to make but more options needed to be added.</strong></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">"The awarding of merits and excellents is grand for a few brain-boxes but there still need to be more options for your ordinary overgrown, slightly out-of control, garden-variety teens. As it stands most kids can only aspire to a 'not achieved' or an 'achieved.' What kind of choice is that? How can you possibly hope to motivate kids with bland and blander."</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Mr Morris went on to list what he described as 'a range of nuanced awards for the average and very average students.' These awards would include <em>average</em>, <em>distinctly average,</em> <em>all right, fair, fairish, moderate, passable </em>and <em>tolerable.</em> For students who did not fare so well Mr Morris suggested replacing <em>not achieved</em> with "some awards that spell out just how badly they failed." These included <em>abysmal, completely worthless, naff, complete and utter failure </em>and<em> loser.</em> </span></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-48210132897999427632007-05-15T18:19:00.000+12:002007-05-15T18:54:11.433+12:00DICK HUBBARD GRANTED BAIL<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RklRKSyMBcI/AAAAAAAAAN4/aZlTctr7c_c/s1600-h/dick+hubbard.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RklRKSyMBcI/AAAAAAAAAN4/aZlTctr7c_c/s400/dick+hubbard.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5064668493237716418" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">BREAKING NEWS: In a shock move Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> was today granted bail by the High Court. Many Aucklanders did not know their Mayor was in jail and even greater number of those interviewed by the <span style="font-style: italic;">Kiwi Herald </span>wished him well in his new role as Mayor of Te Kauwhata.<br /></span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-39394966906603383732007-05-15T13:02:00.000+12:002007-05-15T13:59:49.723+12:00HIROSHIMA DEATHS MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY BOMB<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RkkT5yyMBbI/AAAAAAAAANw/f2vyb0Ckd_s/s1600-h/uktest1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5064601139560580530" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RkkT5yyMBbI/AAAAAAAAANw/f2vyb0Ckd_s/s400/uktest1.jpg" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A new report by Massey University researchers has found strong evidence that 80,000 people who died in Hiroshima on August 6 1945 may have perished as a consequence of an atomic explosion. A further 60,000 who died in subsequent months could also have been affected by the explosion.<br /></strong>The revelation comes as part of a report which has suggested that New Zealand seamen irradiated during hydrogen bomb tests in the Pacific in 1957 experienced genetic damage as a consequence.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Veterans Affairs Minister Rick Barker said the Government was open to new information and analysis which gave insight into the health effects of exposure to nuclear tests. "The report is very interesting and we will certainly look into it," said the Minister. "Mind you, Homer Simpson has been exposed to massive radiation doses at times and he seems to enjoy life and well frankly the Nips have a long record of trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Not that they have me fooled one bit with their claims to scientific whaling. Nor, by the way do I believe Kiesha Castle-Hughes really rode that whale." </span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-36143950083378480572007-05-14T19:32:00.000+12:002007-05-14T22:48:44.306+12:00'PUBLIC CAN JUDGE': TOP COP<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RkgXPyyMBZI/AAAAAAAAANg/dMigaQAsCcw/s1600-h/broad.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RkgXPyyMBZI/AAAAAAAAANg/dMigaQAsCcw/s320/broad.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5064323341075875218" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Police Commissioner Howard Broad expects his fate to be decided "in the court of public opinion" after revelations that a video featuring him 'in acts of love' with a Shetland pony was shown at a Cabinet meeting. </span><br /></span><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Mr Broad hopes the incident, revealed in </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Investigate </span><span style="font-size:130%;">Magazine</span><span style="font-size:130%;">, will dispel any impression that he is "holier than thou" as he works on introducing a code of conduct </span><span style="font-size:130%;">for Police </span><span style="font-size:130%;">recommended by Dame Margaret Bazley .</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">"If I'm not the right person to do this then others will point that out to me," he said.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">Mr Broad's comments came during an interview with the </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Herald</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> last night in which he denied </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Investigate </span><span style="font-size:130%;">claims that he had groped a young policewoman and shot the entire Bain family, but admitted his part in the video saying that he had 'lived a life and this part is included in it.'<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">"Sure I could have insisted to my pony friend Krystal that the camera be turned off. I could have stood on my high horse but it wasn't that sort of relationship," a clearly aroused Mr Broad told the </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Herald.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">On whether he thought he was still the right person for the job as Police Commissioner, he replied that the average Kiwi could be assured that he had no sexual interest in them. "Birds have never been my thing," he said. "Whats more I think ordinary folk will read about this and know I am one of them. They won't try and point the finger at me and say that I'm on a soap box or in a holier-than-thou position. I think they are going to see me as a real human being, an ordinary New Zealander with a deep love of animals."</span><br /></p>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-5805499054471944662007-05-02T15:09:00.000+12:002007-05-02T15:15:13.699+12:00CLARK, KEY FORM GOVT OF NATIONAL UNITY<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5059795298789623170" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RjgBBCyMBYI/AAAAAAAAANY/ifW66Viuc20/s320/02key_clark230.jpg" border="0" /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition today announced the formation of a Government of National Unity after earlier coming to an agreement over the controversial Child Discipline Bill.</strong> </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">In a move that has stunned political analysts Helen Clarke announced that National and Labour will continue to work together to "advance the interests of good parents and good children everywhere -and all the other good people too." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">A beaming Mr Key told reporters: "It seems so right that we should continue our new found common-cause this way."<br />Describing the moment when the leaders agreed to form the new Government Mr Key said that "after we had agreed on the smacking bill we went to shake hands and for a wonderful moment our eyes met. It was as though we both knew, at that instant, that our differences didn't matter anymore. In a sudden outpouring of emotion I began to say to Helen that we should unite as one, but she interrupted me and said 'John, I know. For the peoples sake let us now walk side-by-side.' </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">In the new spirit of co-operation Miss Clark and John Key will chair Cabinet "week and week about" while Michael Cullen and Bill English have already found a "lovely little bachelor pad to share." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile Catherine Rich has apparently promised to give Sue Bradford some make-up tips before the two celebrate by 'hitting the dress stores.' </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Taking their lead from the Child Correction amendment both major parties have agreed to withdraw the whip except in inconsequential cases such as "when Steve Maharey says a rude word or Brian Connel is a little bit naughty." Miss Clark hastily added that they would "just receive a light tap, and quite an inconsequential one at that," while Mr Key said the whip would be applied lovingly.</span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-55368971946126165122007-04-14T10:49:00.000+12:002007-04-14T14:27:08.129+12:00TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RiA6HnCo7rI/AAAAAAAAANI/ZVNRlHOYl94/s1600-h/paul_holmes_low_d.jpg"><span style="font-size:130%;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5053102684323245746" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RiA6HnCo7rI/AAAAAAAAANI/ZVNRlHOYl94/s320/paul_holmes_low_d.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-size:130%;"> <strong>More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to </strong></span><a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10434243"><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"multi-task"</span></strong></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong> as part of a productivity drive.<br /></strong>A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'<br />Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.<br />"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."<br />Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front <em>Agenda. </em>The<em> </em>show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on <em>Dancing With the Stars.</em><br /><em>The Kiwi Herald </em>is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.<br />"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.</span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-60808437037846381542007-04-13T14:59:00.000+12:002007-04-14T10:49:00.811+12:00TV NEWS CUTS GOOD NEWS<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rh7_03Co7qI/AAAAAAAAANA/TD1gR1GhrnA/s1600-h/tvnews.jpg"><span style="font-size:130%;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5052757115549576866" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rh7_03Co7qI/AAAAAAAAANA/TD1gR1GhrnA/s320/tvnews.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-size:130%;"> <strong>Moenui TV today announced the lay-off of a third of its news and current affairs staff saying "there is simply not enough news to go round any more."</strong><br />A spokesperson for the troubled broadcaster said that the long predicted drop-off in news world-wide could be ignored no longer.<br />"We are living in a period of 'peak news<em>.'</em> News is running out. We just have to face up to the fact that there are very few ground-breaking stories anymore. People are bored by endless tales of wars and disasters. They just don't cut it as news anymore. And there are only so many times you can watch stories about celebrities and politicians making a horses-arses of themselves."<br />"Frankly the average person finds the news irritating. Our recent surveys show that most people only watch TV news so they will recognise the presenters when they appear as competitors on future series of <em>'Celebrity Treasure Island',</em> <em>'Dancing With The Stars' or 'The Great NZ Spelling Bee.'</em><br />Meanwhile journalists have reacted angrily to the moves which will see significant cuts to the staff of current affairs shows <em>Sunday</em> and <em>20/20.</em> They are hurt by rumours that the political focus of <em>Sunday</em> will continue but that it will be relaunched 'with a feel more appropriate to the sabbath day' and be hosted by members of the Exclusive Bretheran. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><em>20/20</em> will be reduced from a commercial one hour slot to a commercial half hour and be re-named <em>10/10.</em><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><em></em></span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-46663888964249210472007-04-11T15:50:00.000+12:002007-04-11T15:54:27.343+12:00CELEBRITIES LOSE HOME<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rhxb2nCo7nI/AAAAAAAAAMk/WGJX_mIi0kM/s1600-h/herald.52"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5052013875753971314" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rhxb2nCo7nI/AAAAAAAAAMk/WGJX_mIi0kM/s320/herald.52" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Local identity Si Dallow today confirmed that he and partner Ally Mau have moved from their much-loved double garage into a car-case, because 'the garage had lost it's glitter, especially since uncle Bill parked his tractor in the lounge-room.'</strong> </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">The move of the celebrity couple, who achieved fame when they made regular appearances on the top rating 'Police Five' TV programme, has caused widespread concern in Moenui. Many are concerned that the price of car-cases will now soar as others attempt to imitate the lifestyle of the celebrity couple. It is believed the octogenarian Bill Dallow hurriedly parked his Massey-Ferguson next to the couples' sofa when he heard the opening bars of theme music from his favourite TV programme "Location, Location, Location."</span></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-53571294898891440722007-04-10T18:41:00.000+12:002007-04-11T17:21:34.862+12:00GIRL TELLS OF HOSTAGE HELL<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RhxuZnCo7pI/AAAAAAAAAM4/RTlmsppRRUs/s1600-h/Eminem-dn-04.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5052034268258692754" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RhxuZnCo7pI/AAAAAAAAAM4/RTlmsppRRUs/s320/Eminem-dn-04.jpg" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Freed Moenui teenager Melodie Ann Lewis today described her anguish and bulldog defiance during an Easter in captivity. Melodie-Ann, who forewent lucrative offers from British tabloids to talk exclusively with the Kiwi Herald, told of how she underwent 'extraordinary rendition' after straying past a parent curfew on thursday evening, and found herself in solitary confinement in her bedroom for the entire Easter break.</strong> </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It was hell," the brave teenager told our reporter. "I thought at one point I was going to die of boredom. What made it worse was that my captors told me that all of my friends were free and so busy having a good time they had forgotten me." Ms Lewis described how for the first day she tapped out messages to 'a friend held in a similar cell just a few houses away' using a Nokia phone. "It was all that kept me from breaking," said the pale year 10 student. "When I ran out of pre-pay minutes it got real hard. It was like being in Guantanamo. I got through by gazing endlessly into the eyes of my Eminem poster. It was almost like he was saying to me that he felt my pain."<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Ms Lewis told of the harrowing experience of being interrogated by her "so-called parents" when she strayed past her curfew. "They wanted to know everything. Where I'd been, who with. It was the real third degree but I refused to be cowed. I just remembered all those TV shows where the brave victim refuses to say anything for fear of incriminating themselves and others. Old people really don't understand loyalty."</span></div>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-21609193367611211742007-04-02T17:33:00.000+12:002007-04-02T21:00:10.931+12:00POLICE LOLLY SCANDAL DEEPENS<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RhDFcV5Ls0I/AAAAAAAAAMU/opbRtJ4OsnM/s1600-h/candytapes.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 286px; height: 264px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RhDFcV5Ls0I/AAAAAAAAAMU/opbRtJ4OsnM/s320/candytapes.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5048752272986321730" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Less than 24 hours after a spokesman for Brad </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" >Shipton</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > described a complaint from a woman of sexual exploitation by policeman as <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10432109">"pathetic" and "like asking for your lolly back</a>," </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" >Moenui</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > police station was under </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" >siege</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"> today by locals demanding sweets.</span><br /></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" style="font-size:130%;">Moenui</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> constable Frank </span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" style="font-size:130%;">Tawhai</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> locked the doors to the police station and refused to come out as hoards of people of all ages sought the return of jelly beans, </span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" style="font-size:130%;">jaffas</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> and scorched almonds gifted to the officer over several years.<br />"Hand back the all day suckers you sick bastard," shouted grandmother Enid Nodd as she shook her fist at the station window. Like many others Mrs Nodd has been outraged at a videotape that is circuulating in the community showing Constable Tawhai and policemen from nearby towns indulging in an orgy of sweet-eating. "Good Lord what kind of perversity can bring grown men to indulge in this sort of behaviour where they use doughnuts as handcuffs and flake bars as police batons," said Mrs Nodd.<br />14 year old Student Council Chair Melodie-Ann Lewis was at the police station to demand the return of two packets of Hubbabubba she gave to constable Tawhai when she was 13 years old.<br />"Back then I thought he was way cool aye," said Ms Lewis. "But now I just feel used. He wasn't interested in me. All he wanted was my bubblegum. Him and his sick cop mates."<br /><br />Meanwhile it is expected that the Bazley report on police culture, expected to be released any day, will document a steady decline in police fitness over recent years as more and more have succumbed to the tempatations of a high sugar diet, particularly when offered by attractive young women.</span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-83726008582021538112007-03-27T20:48:00.000+12:002007-03-27T21:29:36.077+12:00I WAS PERFORMING PUBLIC SERVICE SAYS SHIPTON<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RgjhVR2FEJI/AAAAAAAAAMI/hUxlF3fsjvg/s1600-h/ship.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RgjhVR2FEJI/AAAAAAAAAMI/hUxlF3fsjvg/s320/ship.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5046531138152370322" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Convicted rapist, former policeman and city councillor Brad Shipton today confirmed being involved in videotaped 'team policing' orgies where fat policemen or men pretending to be fat policemen had sex with vulnerable young women using law-enforcement equipment such as handcuffs and batons. Mr Shipton, whom Auckland Police Commissioner Clint Rickards claims as a friend, says he wasn't cruel to the women involved. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span>Meanwhile, in an entirely unrelated incident, the </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Kiwi Herald's</span><span> satirical writer was today offered redundancy.</span></span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-61113678115404171122007-03-22T07:52:00.000+12:002007-03-22T08:13:01.494+12:00BUSH PANICS UNDER PM'S STARE<span style="font-size:130%;"><a style="font-weight: bold;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RgGNHH0s1eI/AAAAAAAAAL4/cfm8qImzTQ8/s1600-h/22clark2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RgGNHH0s1eI/AAAAAAAAAL4/cfm8qImzTQ8/s320/22clark2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5044468211130357218" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >President George W Bush this morning achieved an 'achieved' in NCEA level one Geography during a tough oral examination under the stealy gaze of Prime Minister Helen Clark who acted as supervisor.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> A clearly panicked President (see picture above) appeared to be thrown by the withering stare of the New Zealand PM but managed to remember a number of places on the international map. Remembering to mention the South Pacific 'where <a href="http://http//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawaii_Five-O"><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Hawaii Five O</span></a> is,' seemed to clinch a favourable result, bringing a hint of a smile to the lip<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RgGRM30s1fI/AAAAAAAAAMA/KLaj20fsp_Q/s1600-h/five+0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 263px; height: 182px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/RgGRM30s1fI/AAAAAAAAAMA/KLaj20fsp_Q/s320/five+0.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5044472707961116146" border="0" /></a>s of the supervisor.<br />White House circles later commented that Mr Bush had heard tales of Ms Clark's disciplining of members of her own Government and was 'feeling a little nervous before the test but went into a bit of a panic when the Prime Minister mentioned that the anti-smacking bill had not become law yet.'<br /></span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-87315518200864849942007-03-17T23:13:00.000+13:002007-03-19T22:29:52.971+12:00'STINK' SCHOOL OPTS OUT OF NCEA<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >In a move that has stunned the Ministry of Education, Moenui Area School has announced that it is abandoning the NCEA and will instead enter its students in the </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Tirau </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >examinations. The move comes hot on the heals of statements by other leading schools, Avondale College and St Cuthberts School for Girls </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10429284">announcing that they are considering entering students in the <span style="font-style: italic;">Cambridge</span> exams.</a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rf5fYQtVtLI/AAAAAAAAALo/6xXDxDegt4E/s1600-h/bigsheep.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 243px; height: 122px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rf5fYQtVtLI/AAAAAAAAALo/6xXDxDegt4E/s320/bigsheep.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5043573503108166834" border="0" /></a><br />Moenui Principal Hone Morris said that his students were "fed up with the NCEA" and needed to be challenged. The school had investigated the Cambridge exams but decided instead to opt for the Tirau examinations because Tirau is near to Cambridge and used to be called Oxford.<br />"Need I say more?" said Mr Morris.<br />Principal Mo<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rf5flgtVtMI/AAAAAAAAALw/8RkFk3tmRDs/s1600-h/Eye_cut.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 104px; height: 194px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1UPuMs3PU6Q/Rf5flgtVtMI/AAAAAAAAALw/8RkFk3tmRDs/s320/Eye_cut.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5043573730741433538" border="0" /></a>rris, who once played goal-keeper for the New Zealand A Underwater Hockey team, told the</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" > Kiwi Herald</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> that "the young men and women of Moenui despise the hum-drum of NCEA. The drudge of competing for 'achieveds' and 'merits' in an internally moderated pool is not for them. They follow the school motto which is 'Seek for the Mountain Top-but always dress warmly and take plenty of scroggin.'<br />"All the students I have spoken too are dead keen to enter exams in dog-handling, corrugated iron sculpture, clock-making and dressing-up as offered by the <a href="http://tirauinfo.homestead.com/localattractions.html"><span style="font-style: italic;">On-line University of Tirau</span></a>.<br />Moenui Area School student Melodie-Ann Lewis described the move as "another pathetic attempt to make this stink school seem less stink."</span>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29430220.post-56140250173289365782007-03-15T22:17:00.000+13:002007-03-16T08:21:54.724+13:00SEPTEMBER 11 MASTERMIND CONFESSES<p class="small"><!--NO VIEW--></p><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > The alleged mastermind of the September 11 bombings yesterday confessed to his crimes after suddenly recalling life before Guantanamo.<br /></span><table style="font-weight: bold;" align="right" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" hspace="0" width="258"><tbody><tr><td rowspan="2" width="8"> <span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></td><td width="250"><center><span style="font-size:130%;"><img alt="Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 'confessed' to masterminding 9/11 plot" src="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/graphics/2007/03/15/wqaeda.jpg" border="0" height="250" width="250" /></span></center></td></tr><tr><td class="caption"><center><span style="font-size:130%;">Khalid Sheikh Mohammed</span></center></td></tr></tbody></table><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"I awoke this morning and it all came rushing back. Yes, I was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said, before explaining that in the Arabic alphabet he was responsible from alif to </span><span style="font-weight: bold;" lang="ar-Latn"><span title="DIN 31635 Arabic transliteration" class="Arabic Unicode" style="white-space: nowrap; text-decoration: none;">yāʼ</span></span></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"> which meant he was especially responsible because that involved 28 letters. </span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:130%;">"I remember it all now. Thanks to almost four years of analysis at American taxpayer expense I can now say quite categorically that it was I who planned the crimes at the request of Osama Bin Laden. I also put together plans to kidnap Whitney Houston and infiltrate the White House disguised as a Persian carpet, " he said.</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:130%;">Mohammed, who was arrested in Rawalpindi in 2003 and is known to have a penchant for orange boiler suits, is believed to be considering lucrative offers to have his story told in a Hollywood blockbuster. The </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Kiwi Herald </span><span style="font-size:130%;">cannot confirm reports that Taito Philip Field has been approached to play the lead role, of a man who is investigated endlessly and awaits a trial that never seems to come.</span><br /></p>johnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12611517559118514896noreply@blogger.com0