The Kiwi Herald

COWAN HYSTERIA GOES GLOBAL

2008-07-02T10:35:00.006+12:00

A special emergency session of the African Union last night called on the NZ Rugby Union to remove halfback Jimmy Cowan from the test team against the Springboks, saying the role model was "not fit to serve." A spokesman for the leaders summit told awaiting reporters that "We can hardly sanction Robert Mugabe if one of the premiere number nines on the planet is allowed to behave disgracefully and get away with it."
The call by African leaders was echoed around the world after saturation media coverage in NZ was taken up abroad. Cowan, who faces three charges of disorderly conduct, prompted Condaleeza Rice to interrupt her summit with Chinese officials to announce that President Bush would be meeting with other leaders to "come up with a raft of sanctions against the evil doer."

POLICE STAGE TERROR RAID

2007-11-15T12:42:00.000+13:00

A day after the NZ police raided the home of Iraena Asher in connection with the Urewera terrorist alert, Moenui police attempted to raid the tomb of the unknown soldier in a search for military clothing and parephenalia. The attempt was aborted however when the taxi in which they were travelling took them to the wrong address.

"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD

2007-11-12T14:45:00.000+13:00

In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of The Kiwi Herald is demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive.
A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline Democracy Under Attack and reappeared in the Kiwi Herald later in the day with an even more striking banner-
"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"
The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."
"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"
The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.
Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.

The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel

"FERNS WON'T CHOKE," SAYS COACH

2007-11-11T11:09:00.000+13:00

Silver Ferns coach Julie Aitken today said that the Silver Ferns would not 'choke' in the World Champs and revealed that management had taken to pre-chewing and regurgitating all player food in an effort to end the "choking epidemic" by NZ teams in big events.
The NZ players, who famously choked in the 1999 World Championship final, agreed to dine on pre-digested food after the entire All-Black team choked while playing in Paris recently.
"We got in medical advice straight after that and got some pretty sound pointers," said Aitken. "Much of the advice was the sort of thing my mother used to say: "Don't suck on sweeties while you are running about at playtime and chew your food properly before swallowing."
"We've also placed a ban on team members playing with marbles, and small coins."

Right: An Australian player about to administer the Heimlich Manoevre to a distressed Siver Fern in a recent match

SIS SAYS TOJO NO LONGER A THREAT

2007-09-13T19:32:00.000+12:00

The SIS today moved to calm a worried populace, announcing that Japanese leader Tojo, the y2k bug and the Goodnight Kiwi are not considered security threats to New Zealand.
The dramatic announcement came this afternoon from the Moenui Meat Pie & Magazine shop, a favourite haunt of the head of the Security Intelligence Service Dr Warren Tucker.

Speaking to a hushed gathering of the media Dr Tucker said that while the three were "clearly a risk at one time, the SIS has reviewed the evidence and can now reassure the public that they no longer pose an imminent threat to peace, security and the enjoyment of World Rugby Cup coverage."
Members of the public spoken to by the Kiwi Herald were elated by the news. The Harbour patrol team are welcoming the chance to take a break from their nightly surveillance of the shoreline and Moenui Craft shop owner Dot Cossie said that she will at last be able to turn on the computer she has not used since 1999. She felt great relief knowing that she could check out 'happy-new-Millenium emails, safe in the knowledge that I won't catch some terrible bug.'
Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush said that he expected the Masonic Sports Bar would be filled this weekend, 'now that punters know that the bloody Kiwi won't be putting out the cat at 11 o'clock.'

"It will be like watching Kirky and his boys in '87 all over again, except this time in the middle of the night. Every true-blue New Zealander will be up for it. I even reckon that Ahmed Zouie joker and his mates with the dog collars will be celebrating with a few cool ones and a bit of a Kamate Kamate come the weekend."

NZ'S HISTORY DISPUTED AS RAIN FALLS

2007-08-16T15:56:00.000+12:00

New research suggesting New Zealand was underwater till 23 million years ago have been rubbished in Northland. Moenui farmer Ossie MacDonald says the claims are "complete bloody nonsense" and "typical of the tripe dished out by those pointy-headed buggers at the University."

Speaking from his tractor on a hill overlooking his seaside Moenui farm, Mr MacDonald said that he had personally witnessed his bottom paddock emerging from the ocean only last week but "the bloody thing is fast submerging again under this endless bloody rain."

However Mr MacDonald did concur with one part of the Massey University research. The Massey scientists had suggested that following the emergence from the sea, life-forms dispersed here rather than evolved locally.

"Yep, there's a fair amount of truth in that observation," commented Mr MacDonald. "We've actually been inundated with political species from God-knows-where; all getting their photos took and feigning concern. Them and media sorts. Mind you the buggers migrated pretty quickly once they found there was no cafe in town."

ALL BLACKS DISGRACE BLAZER IN LATE NIGHT ORGY

2007-07-23T12:01:00.000+12:00

The All Black squad was in crisis mode this morning after a number of them 'snuck out of bed after lights-out for a late night orgy of cocoa drinking and gingernut-dunking.'

Coach Graham Henry, who became aware of the behaviour when there were no biscuits at morning tea, is believed to be very disappointed that 'some boys have let themselves and the blazer down.'

The late night shenanigans are the latest in a series of player misdemeanours the most recent of which involved chris Jack and Carl Hayman posing for photographs wearing Dan Carter's underpants. "They were being rude," an informant told the Kiwi Herald. "Dan was really upset because when he put the underpants on they had gone all saggy and the other boys laughed at him." On another occasion Troy Flavell apparently got a good telling off when he forgot the words of the National Anthem and sang "God of Nations tweet tweet tweet, God defend our toilet seat."

None of the players involved in the latest incident were due to play any time soon, in fact one of them, John Schwalger, regularly has to be convinced that he did not dream once playing in a test match. Sources say this isn't surprising since Graham Henry routinely mistakes Scwhalger for a ball-boy.

Meanwhile Ali Williams has returned to the squad after on-going dizzy spells. Inside sources say that doctors have advised the team management that further player rotation could cause a relapse.

FLOOD RELIEF PACKAGE 'LIKE XMAS'

2007-07-21T11:36:00.000+12:00

A flood relief package for the recently ravaged North announced today by Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker is being keenly anticipated by Moenui residents.

The large plain brown paper package is believed to contain a signed photograph of Team NZ members in sunny Valencia and a CD of a Libretti composed especially by NZ artist Stuart Hoare who is currently enjoying a French summer as the Catherine Mansfield fellow. The Libretti, entitled "Drowning in Sunshine" is described as being 'uplifting in a smug kind of way.'
"This will be a real pick-me-up," craft shop owner Dot Cossey told the Herald. "A parcel from Mr Barker will be such a relief. It will be just like Xmas."

Also included in the package is free entry to the District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses which boasts a section on "dealing with life's difficult problems."

That "just sounds made-to-order for us," said Mrs Cossey.

Meanwhile sources close to Cabinet say that at the eleventh hour Government abandoned plans for 100 lucky recipients of the package to receive a personal phone-call from Conservation Minister David Benson-Pope in which he would "provide encouraging advice about future prospects."

WOMEN TO CARRY HUSBANDS

2007-07-08T15:56:00.000+12:00

Moenui will host next year's World Husband Carrying Championship. The announcement comes hard upon the heals of the successful World Wife Carrying Championship staged in Finland; an event dominated by Estonia.

In announcing the event Agnes Hapi said the women of Moenui would "win the championship hands down," adding that "most women here have been carrying their useless bloody husbands their entire married lives."

BIN LADEN BACKING BLACK BOAT

2007-06-25T09:52:00.000+12:00

Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.
The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.

"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for a Jihadist Sport website told the Kiwi Herald. "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"

And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force."

Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.

TAMAKI, TAITO OFFERED CABINET POSTS

2007-06-01T11:41:00.000+12:00

John Key today offered Bishop Brian Tamaki a Cardinalship should the Destiny New Zealand Party join the Key led Government following the next election. The move came shortly after the National Party leader stunned observors by saying that he was prepared to appoint a Green Party member as Minister for the Environment in exchange for that party's support.

Announcing the offer, the increasingly warm and inclusive Mr Key said that he could work with anyone. "Make me Prime Minister and I will make everyone happy," he smiled. He then went on to announce a possible cabinet line-up that included the following members of other parties should they agree to join his Government:

Taito Philip Field (Party yet to be named) -Minister of Immigration

Jim Anderton (Progressive) -Minister in Charge of the Reserve Bank

Winston Peters (NZ First) - Minister in charge of Overseas Travel

Tariana Turia (Maori Party) - Minister for De-Colonisation

Mihael Appelby (Legalise Cannabis Party) - Minister of Mental Health

Graeme Cairns (McGillicuddy Serious Party) - Minister for Scottish Devolution

NCEA REVAMP NEEDS REVAMP

2007-05-29T22:44:00.000+12:00

A revamp of the NCEA exam system was welcomed by Moenui Principal Hone Morris yesterday as 'meritorious and approaching excellent but failing to achieve some things.' Speaking exclusively to the Kiwi Herald after all other news outlets refused to take his call, Mr Morris commented that the new gradings gave schools a greater range of awards to make but more options needed to be added.

"The awarding of merits and excellents is grand for a few brain-boxes but there still need to be more options for your ordinary overgrown, slightly out-of control, garden-variety teens. As it stands most kids can only aspire to a 'not achieved' or an 'achieved.' What kind of choice is that? How can you possibly hope to motivate kids with bland and blander."

Mr Morris went on to list what he described as 'a range of nuanced awards for the average and very average students.' These awards would include average, distinctly average, all right, fair, fairish, moderate, passable and tolerable. For students who did not fare so well Mr Morris suggested replacing not achieved with "some awards that spell out just how badly they failed." These included abysmal, completely worthless, naff, complete and utter failure and loser.

DICK HUBBARD GRANTED BAIL

2007-05-15T18:19:00.000+12:00

BREAKING NEWS: In a shock move Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard was today granted bail by the High Court. Many Aucklanders did not know their Mayor was in jail and even greater number of those interviewed by the Kiwi Herald wished him well in his new role as Mayor of Te Kauwhata.

HIROSHIMA DEATHS MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY BOMB

2007-05-15T13:02:00.000+12:00

A new report by Massey University researchers has found strong evidence that 80,000 people who died in Hiroshima on August 6 1945 may have perished as a consequence of an atomic explosion. A further 60,000 who died in subsequent months could also have been affected by the explosion.
The revelation comes as part of a report which has suggested that New Zealand seamen irradiated during hydrogen bomb tests in the Pacific in 1957 experienced genetic damage as a consequence.
Veterans Affairs Minister Rick Barker said the Government was open to new information and analysis which gave insight into the health effects of exposure to nuclear tests. "The report is very interesting and we will certainly look into it," said the Minister. "Mind you, Homer Simpson has been exposed to massive radiation doses at times and he seems to enjoy life and well frankly the Nips have a long record of trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Not that they have me fooled one bit with their claims to scientific whaling. Nor, by the way do I believe Kiesha Castle-Hughes really rode that whale."

'PUBLIC CAN JUDGE': TOP COP

2007-05-14T19:32:00.000+12:00

Police Commissioner Howard Broad expects his fate to be decided "in the court of public opinion" after revelations that a video featuring him 'in acts of love' with a Shetland pony was shown at a Cabinet meeting.

Mr Broad hopes the incident, revealed in Investigate Magazine, will dispel any impression that he is "holier than thou" as he works on introducing a code of conduct for Police recommended by Dame Margaret Bazley .

"If I'm not the right person to do this then others will point that out to me," he said.

Mr Broad's comments came during an interview with the Herald last night in which he denied Investigate claims that he had groped a young policewoman and shot the entire Bain family, but admitted his part in the video saying that he had 'lived a life and this part is included in it.'

"Sure I could have insisted to my pony friend Krystal that the camera be turned off. I could have stood on my high horse but it wasn't that sort of relationship," a clearly aroused Mr Broad told the Herald.

On whether he thought he was still the right person for the job as Police Commissioner, he replied that the average Kiwi could be assured that he had no sexual interest in them. "Birds have never been my thing," he said. "Whats more I think ordinary folk will read about this and know I am one of them. They won't try and point the finger at me and say that I'm on a soap box or in a holier-than-thou position. I think they are going to see me as a real human being, an ordinary New Zealander with a deep love of animals."

CLARK, KEY FORM GOVT OF NATIONAL UNITY

2007-05-02T15:09:00.000+12:00

The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition today announced the formation of a Government of National Unity after earlier coming to an agreement over the controversial Child Discipline Bill.
In a move that has stunned political analysts Helen Clarke announced that National and Labour will continue to work together to "advance the interests of good parents and good children everywhere -and all the other good people too."
A beaming Mr Key told reporters: "It seems so right that we should continue our new found common-cause this way."
Describing the moment when the leaders agreed to form the new Government Mr Key said that "after we had agreed on the smacking bill we went to shake hands and for a wonderful moment our eyes met. It was as though we both knew, at that instant, that our differences didn't matter anymore. In a sudden outpouring of emotion I began to say to Helen that we should unite as one, but she interrupted me and said 'John, I know. For the peoples sake let us now walk side-by-side.'
In the new spirit of co-operation Miss Clark and John Key will chair Cabinet "week and week about" while Michael Cullen and Bill English have already found a "lovely little bachelor pad to share."
Meanwhile Catherine Rich has apparently promised to give Sue Bradford some make-up tips before the two celebrate by 'hitting the dress stores.'

Taking their lead from the Child Correction amendment both major parties have agreed to withdraw the whip except in inconsequential cases such as "when Steve Maharey says a rude word or Brian Connel is a little bit naughty." Miss Clark hastily added that they would "just receive a light tap, and quite an inconsequential one at that," while Mr Key said the whip would be applied lovingly.

TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'

2007-04-14T10:49:00.000+12:00

More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to "multi-task" as part of a productivity drive.
A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'
Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.
"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."
Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front Agenda. The show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on Dancing With the Stars.
The Kiwi Herald is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.
"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.

TV NEWS CUTS GOOD NEWS

2007-04-13T14:59:00.000+12:00

Moenui TV today announced the lay-off of a third of its news and current affairs staff saying "there is simply not enough news to go round any more."
A spokesperson for the troubled broadcaster said that the long predicted drop-off in news world-wide could be ignored no longer.
"We are living in a period of 'peak news.' News is running out. We just have to face up to the fact that there are very few ground-breaking stories anymore. People are bored by endless tales of wars and disasters. They just don't cut it as news anymore. And there are only so many times you can watch stories about celebrities and politicians making a horses-arses of themselves."
"Frankly the average person finds the news irritating. Our recent surveys show that most people only watch TV news so they will recognise the presenters when they appear as competitors on future series of 'Celebrity Treasure Island', 'Dancing With The Stars' or 'The Great NZ Spelling Bee.'
Meanwhile journalists have reacted angrily to the moves which will see significant cuts to the staff of current affairs shows Sunday and 20/20. They are hurt by rumours that the political focus of Sunday will continue but that it will be relaunched 'with a feel more appropriate to the sabbath day' and be hosted by members of the Exclusive Bretheran.
20/20 will be reduced from a commercial one hour slot to a commercial half hour and be re-named 10/10.

CELEBRITIES LOSE HOME

2007-04-11T15:50:00.000+12:00

Local identity Si Dallow today confirmed that he and partner Ally Mau have moved from their much-loved double garage into a car-case, because 'the garage had lost it's glitter, especially since uncle Bill parked his tractor in the lounge-room.'

The move of the celebrity couple, who achieved fame when they made regular appearances on the top rating 'Police Five' TV programme, has caused widespread concern in Moenui. Many are concerned that the price of car-cases will now soar as others attempt to imitate the lifestyle of the celebrity couple. It is believed the octogenarian Bill Dallow hurriedly parked his Massey-Ferguson next to the couples' sofa when he heard the opening bars of theme music from his favourite TV programme "Location, Location, Location."

GIRL TELLS OF HOSTAGE HELL

2007-04-10T18:41:00.000+12:00

Freed Moenui teenager Melodie Ann Lewis today described her anguish and bulldog defiance during an Easter in captivity. Melodie-Ann, who forewent lucrative offers from British tabloids to talk exclusively with the Kiwi Herald, told of how she underwent 'extraordinary rendition' after straying past a parent curfew on thursday evening, and found herself in solitary confinement in her bedroom for the entire Easter break.
"It was hell," the brave teenager told our reporter. "I thought at one point I was going to die of boredom. What made it worse was that my captors told me that all of my friends were free and so busy having a good time they had forgotten me." Ms Lewis described how for the first day she tapped out messages to 'a friend held in a similar cell just a few houses away' using a Nokia phone. "It was all that kept me from breaking," said the pale year 10 student. "When I ran out of pre-pay minutes it got real hard. It was like being in Guantanamo. I got through by gazing endlessly into the eyes of my Eminem poster. It was almost like he was saying to me that he felt my pain."

Ms Lewis told of the harrowing experience of being interrogated by her "so-called parents" when she strayed past her curfew. "They wanted to know everything. Where I'd been, who with. It was the real third degree but I refused to be cowed. I just remembered all those TV shows where the brave victim refuses to say anything for fear of incriminating themselves and others. Old people really don't understand loyalty."

POLICE LOLLY SCANDAL DEEPENS

2007-04-02T17:33:00.000+12:00

Less than 24 hours after a spokesman for Brad Shipton described a complaint from a woman of sexual exploitation by policeman as "pathetic" and "like asking for your lolly back," Moenui police station was under siege today by locals demanding sweets.
Moenui constable Frank Tawhai locked the doors to the police station and refused to come out as hoards of people of all ages sought the return of jelly beans, jaffas and scorched almonds gifted to the officer over several years.
"Hand back the all day suckers you sick bastard," shouted grandmother Enid Nodd as she shook her fist at the station window. Like many others Mrs Nodd has been outraged at a videotape that is circuulating in the community showing Constable Tawhai and policemen from nearby towns indulging in an orgy of sweet-eating. "Good Lord what kind of perversity can bring grown men to indulge in this sort of behaviour where they use doughnuts as handcuffs and flake bars as police batons," said Mrs Nodd.
14 year old Student Council Chair Melodie-Ann Lewis was at the police station to demand the return of two packets of Hubbabubba she gave to constable Tawhai when she was 13 years old.
"Back then I thought he was way cool aye," said Ms Lewis. "But now I just feel used. He wasn't interested in me. All he wanted was my bubblegum. Him and his sick cop mates."

Meanwhile it is expected that the Bazley report on police culture, expected to be released any day, will document a steady decline in police fitness over recent years as more and more have succumbed to the tempatations of a high sugar diet, particularly when offered by attractive young women.

I WAS PERFORMING PUBLIC SERVICE SAYS SHIPTON

2007-03-27T20:48:00.000+12:00

Convicted rapist, former policeman and city councillor Brad Shipton today confirmed being involved in videotaped 'team policing' orgies where fat policemen or men pretending to be fat policemen had sex with vulnerable young women using law-enforcement equipment such as handcuffs and batons. Mr Shipton, whom Auckland Police Commissioner Clint Rickards claims as a friend, says he wasn't cruel to the women involved.

Meanwhile, in an entirely unrelated incident, the Kiwi Herald's satirical writer was today offered redundancy.

BUSH PANICS UNDER PM'S STARE

2007-03-22T07:52:00.000+12:00

President George W Bush this morning achieved an 'achieved' in NCEA level one Geography during a tough oral examination under the stealy gaze of Prime Minister Helen Clark who acted as supervisor. A clearly panicked President (see picture above) appeared to be thrown by the withering stare of the New Zealand PM but managed to remember a number of places on the international map. Remembering to mention the South Pacific 'where Hawaii Five O is,' seemed to clinch a favourable result, bringing a hint of a smile to the lips of the supervisor.
White House circles later commented that Mr Bush had heard tales of Ms Clark's disciplining of members of her own Government and was 'feeling a little nervous before the test but went into a bit of a panic when the Prime Minister mentioned that the anti-smacking bill had not become law yet.'

'STINK' SCHOOL OPTS OUT OF NCEA

2007-03-17T23:13:00.000+13:00

In a move that has stunned the Ministry of Education, Moenui Area School has announced that it is abandoning the NCEA and will instead enter its students in the Tirau examinations. The move comes hot on the heals of statements by other leading schools, Avondale College and St Cuthberts School for Girls announcing that they are considering entering students in the Cambridge exams.
Moenui Principal Hone Morris said that his students were "fed up with the NCEA" and needed to be challenged. The school had investigated the Cambridge exams but decided instead to opt for the Tirau examinations because Tirau is near to Cambridge and used to be called Oxford.
"Need I say more?" said Mr Morris.
Principal Morris, who once played goal-keeper for the New Zealand A Underwater Hockey team, told the Kiwi Herald that "the young men and women of Moenui despise the hum-drum of NCEA. The drudge of competing for 'achieveds' and 'merits' in an internally moderated pool is not for them. They follow the school motto which is 'Seek for the Mountain Top-but always dress warmly and take plenty of scroggin.'
"All the students I have spoken too are dead keen to enter exams in dog-handling, corrugated iron sculpture, clock-making and dressing-up as offered by the On-line University of Tirau.
Moenui Area School student Melodie-Ann Lewis described the move as "another pathetic attempt to make this stink school seem less stink."

SEPTEMBER 11 MASTERMIND CONFESSES

2007-03-15T22:17:00.000+13:00

The alleged mastermind of the September 11 bombings yesterday confessed to his crimes after suddenly recalling life before Guantanamo.


	Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

"I awoke this morning and it all came rushing back. Yes, I was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said, before explaining that in the Arabic alphabet he was responsible from alif to yāʼ which meant he was especially responsible because that involved 28 letters.

"I remember it all now. Thanks to almost four years of analysis at American taxpayer expense I can now say quite categorically that it was I who planned the crimes at the request of Osama Bin Laden. I also put together plans to kidnap Whitney Houston and infiltrate the White House disguised as a Persian carpet, " he said.

Mohammed, who was arrested in Rawalpindi in 2003 and is known to have a penchant for orange boiler suits, is believed to be considering lucrative offers to have his story told in a Hollywood blockbuster. The Kiwi Herald cannot confirm reports that Taito Philip Field has been approached to play the lead role, of a man who is investigated endlessly and awaits a trial that never seems to come.

KIWI MUMS AND DADS GET IN LAST FEW SLAPS

2007-03-14T11:51:00.000+13:00

Most Moenui children reported receiving 'a good thrashing' on Wednesday as parents 'got in a last few licks' before smacking was outlawed under anti-smacking legislation.
Area School Principal Hone Morris said that most children arrived at school saying that Mum and Dad had given them 'a good larruping while thay still had the chance.'
"Many kids said that Dad had given them a real paddling even though they were behaving perfectly, saying that part of being a Kiwi was to experience 'a hiding they would never forget.
According to Mr Morris many children were unable to sit during assembly and a large number we re incapable of writing having received 'an inordinate number of smacks on the hand over the past 24 hours as parents attempted to dissuade their children from 'ever pushing a fork into an electric plug, touching a hot-plate or indulging in heavy petting with the low-lifes next door.'
Moenui political analyst Godbur Roberts told the Kiwi Herald that the outbreak of 'correction and discipline' in the community 'seems to be part of a wider international trend toward use of the pre-emptive strike. In other words hit while you can.'
Meanwhile local ruddy-faced barfly Angus McLagan, who is routinely described as having 'a face like a slapped arse' today came out in support of the Bradford Bill, saying that he would be 'taking time out from public life and drinking at home until such times as the law is accepted by the community.'

WOMAN FOR TOP POLICE JOB?

2007-03-09T22:23:00.000+13:00

Police area commander Inspector Peter Cowan has defended the use of an all-female policing unit at an anti-rape protest rally last night saying, "These young women are the face of policing in the 21st century and even if I say so myself they're a damned pretty face."

The commander was responding to accusations that he had cynically put female officers in the front-line because protesters were venting their anger at a police culture which was abusive of women.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," commented Cowan. "The modern police force really likes girls. In fact we can't get enough of them in the force. What may or may not have happened thirty years ago is in the past. These days the women who apply to become police officers are motivated, talented and frankly, bloody georgeous. They're not your stereotypical down-at the-heal, shot-put throwing, plain Jane of yesteryear."

"They are the future of policing. They can diffuse almost any potentially difficult situation. These girls can hand out a traffic-ticket to a bloke like they're passing over an invitation for group sex . . . and having them slip you into handcuffs is ...well .... very exciting."

Inspector Cowan refused to comment on whether he thought fellow Commander Clint Rickards would return to his old job as Auckland Commander. He did however think that one day a woman would take on Auckland's top policing job.

"Auckland Central in Cook Street is such an ugly soul-less building. Really, only a spunky little woman with design sense could give it a make-over," he said.

SUPPORT FOR PETERS IRAQ COMMENTS

2007-02-27T15:06:00.000+13:00

An Iraqi schoolchild who had his arms blown off today has joined a chorus of support for embattled NZ Foreign Minister Winston Peters. Speaking from a squalid Ramadi hospital 12 year old Jassim Ali told of how eighteen of his schoolmates were killed and many wounded when a suicide bomber drove onto the soccer field where the children were playing.
"My team was winning when the game was interrupted," explained Jassim. "I was about to cross the ball to a couple of our strikers who looked set to beat the off-side trap when 'bang' there was blood everywhere. I immediately thought to myself 'Winston is right, praise Allah the Americans are here otherwise there would be chaos."
"They say that since the US came and liberated us only 60,000 Iraqi civilians have died,"continued the boy. "Who knows what chaos might happen if they leave us to ourselves."

SPORTS STARS RUSH TO GIVE EVIDENCE

2007-02-23T14:32:00.000+13:00

A number of sporting celebrities are expected to make court appearances over the coming months, following the precedent of former All-Black Steve McDowell (right) who achieved national headlines today when he appeared as a defence witness in a rape trial.
Kiwi Herald investigations reveal that recently retired Blackcaps opening batsman Nathan Astle will kick-start a new career next month appearing as a witness in hit-and-run cases, while the notoriously slow-scoring former international John Parker will star as an expert witness in a loitering-with-intent trial.
Sources say that David Tua will appear in a series of assaults later in the year.
Meanwhile there are strong rumours that Taito Philip Field has engaged fellow Samoan Beatrice Faumuina to appear for him if charges are laid in the hope that she can help to have the case thrown out of court.

AUCKLAND 'QUAKE' NO-BALLED

2007-02-22T10:10:00.000+13:00

Civil Defence experts were today denying that Auckland had experienced three earthquakes yesterday saying that the shakes which had people running into the streets had been caused by an epidemic of chest-beating following NZ's 3-0 victory over Australia in the cricket.
"There is absolutely no evidence of siesmic activity," GNS seismologist Bryan Field told the Herald. "We do however have a flurry of reports of testosterone-filled males chest-thumping and banging on about what a great little country we are. Such unbridled enthusiasm can be de-stabilising."
Meanwhile insiders report that the Prime Minister chaired a particularly unruly cabinet meeting yesterday as excited male Ministers re-lived the glory of the Blackcaps famous victory. Parekura Horamia was so excited he was twice chastised for attempting to "hoist little Peter Dunne over the boundary for six" while a newly enthused Sports Minister Trevor Mallard had to be dissuaded from bidding to host the 2014 Winter Olympics on an iceberg off the Otago coast.

'RED BUMS GOOD' SAYS MP

2007-02-21T13:12:00.000+13:00

Standing outside parliament under a banner announcing "Red bum good, blue bum bad," National MP Chester Burrows today attempted to explain his amendment to the "anti-smacking bill'' saying that he wanted to outlaw bad smacking while encouraging the kind of smacking that was 'part of the great kiwi tradition; the stinging red bum delivered with love'
"Like thousands of New Zealanders I look back with fond memories of a hot bottom. It was always transitory and trifling, usually after a Sunday roast when Mum had poured more sherry into herself than into the trifle itself and us kids were keeping her from her nap. She would give our bare bums a good paddling, all the time weeping and saying how much she loved us. Far from being the cruel and degrading treatment that Sue Bradford is on about it brought us closer together. These days if I get a touch of sunburn or a sting from a wasp I'm immediately awash in a flood of loving memories of family life."
Using a colour chart Mr Burrows went on to explain the varieties of redness that were acceptable under his amendment saying that "where the redness is from blood, Mum has probably gone too far and no sherry has made it into the trifle."
The MP, whose amendment is expected to pass said that where the child was blue or black or even dead from smacking prosecution was often in order.

Left: Chester Burrows with young supporters.

IRAN TARGETS IN US SITES

2007-02-20T20:52:00.000+13:00

US contingency plans for air strikes on Iran were tonight revealed in a BBC report. Using leaked pentagon documents the BBC was able to show that the US has plans to widen the theatre of war in the middle east, targeting Iran's uranium enrichment plant at Natanz, facilities at Isfahan, Arak and a huge number of 'Vietcong enclaves' within Iranian territory.

POOR PEOPLE FALL THROUGH CRACKS AGAIN

2007-02-20T10:59:00.000+13:00

Police and ambulance staff were called to the dead end McGehan Close this morning after an elderly woman and her grandchild fell into council footpath workings, giving credence to the Prime Minister's observation that "some people are still falling through the cracks."

Constable Frank Tawhai who attended the incident said that the task of rescuing the woman and the child from their predicament was made 'extra difficult because like most poor folk the pair were completely cluelesss about how to climb ladders.'
"Frankly," Constable Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald "the problem is getting out of hand. I'm spending more and more time trying to get hopeless people out of cracks instead of focusing on counter-terrorism and team policing exercises involving young women."
The old woman and the child were eventually coaxed out of the crack with a promise of an all-expenses-paid trip to Waitangi and a feature article in the NZ Womens Weekly.

AUSSIE PM THREATENS OBAMA

2007-02-15T10:46:00.000+13:00

Australian prime minister John Howard today vowed to launch an amphibious assault against the United States if Democrat Barack Obama wins the American presidency in 2008, saying, "We will not simply stand by if America falls into the hands of a terrorist- lover."
Mr Howard was reiterating his horror at the Presidential hopefuls plans for a rapid troop withdrawal from Iraq and commented "The difference between Osama and Obama is just one letter"
"If this man is elected,"continued the Prime Minister "the terrorists will be just one consonant away from world domination!"
Original Story in Deadbrain

MPS SENT HOME UNTIL THE PAY UP

2007-02-14T11:35:00.000+13:00

Large numbers of MPs were today sent home with a note to their electorate committees saying that they could not return to the House until public money owed for the last election campaign is paid. The move from Speaker Margaret Wilson comes just a few days after Fielding Principal Roger Menzies barred students from the school who owed it money. That move sparked loud protests and then an influx of money.
Margaret Wilson told the Kiwi Herald that she expects the money to "arrive in fairly rapidly, especially since the others will be livid at the prospect of John Key taking over as Head Boy."
Ms Wilson said that she expected a similar reaction to news that Tau Henare and Jerry Brownlie were now 'lords of the tuck-shop' while Katherine Rich and Jackie Blue had taken to lounging brazenly on the Government front-benches.

HUNGRY KIDS SUSPECTED OF DEVOURING CLASS-MATE

2007-02-07T17:17:00.000+13:00

The town of Moenui was thrown into panic this morning when a five year old on his first day at school was lost and presumed eaten by classmates. The alarm was raised when little Simon Widget failed to answer to his name at morning roll-call and the teacher noticed that the perennially hungry Thomas 'the tank' Tupaea was sitting quietly on the mat in an apparently satisfied state.
New Entrant teacher Miss Beryl Stanwyck immediately rushed to the staff-room and called the police who threw up a cordon around the school and began a search.
"Thomas is one of the 15,000 New Zealand children who turns up to school hungry every day," teacher Miss Stanwyck explained to the Kiwi Herald. "We have another dozen or so at Moenui who are in that category and some days we can't teach them until they've chewed through a handful of pencils and the odd copy of 'The Very Hungry Caterpiller.' Thomas in particular has an unsatiable appetite. He once ate all the juniors' packed lunches as payment for making farty noises all through an ERO visit to our room."
However the crisis of the lost new entrant was resolved at 10am this morning when Simon Widget was delivered to school. His mother apologised to Miss Stanwyck for his lateness explaining that she had read the report of 15000 hungry children being expected at school and insisted that Simon eat a second bowl of Weetbix and stewed fruit. Simon apparently spent the next hour in the bathroom.

MADONNA TO ADOPT KIWI CHILD

2007-02-06T08:13:00.000+13:00

Madonna was last night on her way to New Zealand in the hope of adopting a child from McGehan Close. The star, who famously adopted a Malawian child recently, is believed to be one of several overseas celebrities who have been inspired to adopt "a poor little brown child like the one National Party leader John Key has adopted."
An obviously delighted Mr Key appeared at Waitangi yesterday with 12 year old Aroha Ireland at his side. He had apparently gained agreement from the girl's parents to rescue her from the 'deadend' of McGehan Close in a desperate attempt to break the cycle of hoplessness her family is caught in.
The girl's mother told the Kiwi Herald that she "thought the bike we bought Aroha for xmas was pretty flash but when I saw John Key turn up in the government limo I agreed it was hopeless. I'm just stoked now that Aroha is going to join the overclass at Waitangi."
Many visitors to the Waitangi celebrations commented that they thought Mr Key and Aroha looked lovely together though some enquired whether there was any truth to the rumour that the girl was Mr Key's new wife from Singapore.

Not all locals were happy however. One disgrunted local said the sight of politicians with children on their arms reminded him of the time Titiwhai Harawira dragged the Prime minister around Waitangi a few years back 'like she was a toi moko - a preserved tattooed head.'

Meanwhile Kiwi Herald investigations are unable to confirm whether Woody Allen was sighted a McGehan Close yesterday seeking to adopt a young Asian girl.

LABOUR TO RETURN STOLEN ELECTION

2007-02-05T20:57:00.000+13:00

In a major about-face the Labour Government today announced it would 'return the stolen election of 2006' to Don Brash along with several thousand dollars of taxpayers money mis-spent in the election, and $12.23 owed on an unpaid bar-tab at Bellamy's.
The extraordinary announcement was reported by The New Zealand Herald yesterday and quoted a source close to the Prime Minister as saying Ms Clarke is furious that 'the whole affair of the unpaid bar tab is sullying the reputation of a proud Labour party' and that she had decided that it was best to 'own up to whatever needed owning up to.'
However, The Herald could not confirm rumours that Ruth Dyson will soon admit that the unpaid bar tab is hers, nor could it verify that former Minister Marion Hobbes was preparing to take the rap for the loss of the Rugby World Cup in 2003, admitting that she had 'lost the will to keep in shape about the same time the All blacks lost their way.'

Meanwhile the National Party has been flung into disarray by the news. Don Brash who is holidaying at the tax-payers' expense in Las Vegas could not be reached at the Playboy Club, but sources close to John Key said that the Labour Party could not 'retrospectively return the stolen election to Don.'
"John Key is the new man at the helm and so the election should go to him," said one source. "Don's gone and this is another cheap stunt from the Socialists. We'll be asking the Auditor General to investigate"
In an un-related report McGehan Close house-painter Hepi Hohaia today reported the theft of his step-ladder, claiming that the last time he saw it was "when that John Key fella was in the neighbourhood talking about how you needed to climb up the social ladder. Now bugger me if my best long-ladder hasn't gone. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, but if you put two and two together you'd be hard pressed to come up with Don Brash as the answer."

CHURCH SERVICE ENDS ON SOUR NOTE

2007-02-04T11:35:00.000+13:00

A major fracas between worshippers forced an early end to Sunday prayer at the Moenui Baptist Church today. The normally friendly atmosphere was disrupted when Matiu Wilson, who leads the congregation in song, broke his guitar over the head of Jonathon Burdes telling the dazed devotee that if he continued to clap out of time he would be assisted to "take a closer walk with Jesus."
A number of other members of the congregation then joined in the spat after Wilson was felled by a shower of copies of the New Testament. Order was only restored when Pastor Michael Tartuffe set off the fire alarm.
The Kiwi Herald undersatnds that Mr Burdes' lack of rhythm and his enthusiastic calls of "Hellelujah Jesus" and "Lord I'm a comin" during hymns have been the source of on-going irritation to Mr Wilson who also plays in the local big band "Matiu and the Minders".

UNDERCLASS TELL POLITICIANS TO STAY AWAY

2007-02-01T08:00:00.000+13:00

Residents in McGehen Close in Moenui were today pleading that gangs of marauding politicians leave them alone. The calls came after National Party leader John Key identified the "dead end street" as one the Prime Minister should join him in visiting.

"Please stay away," said Will Ilolahiah "It is tough enough bringing up kids here without these gangs of the over-class turning up to stage their turf wars. Let them do it in their own streets I say. They're a bad influence. Already we have impressionable kids here picking up on John Key's suggestions about what makes you underclass. Just last night someone smashed some rungs on my step ladder and then tried to smoke my neighbours P class yacht. The thing's completely buggered."

Meanwhile local residents expressed anger that the Prime Minister had described the 'underclass' as shrinking.

"That's bloody nonsense mate. She should stick to talking about her own," one man told our reporter. "Look at who makes up the scrum of the school first fifteen. It's our boys. Those skinny white kids from the posh streets don't get a look in."

SHOCK THAT KILLER HAS NOT BECOME LOVELY BOY

2007-01-27T10:00:00.000+13:00

Moenui residents were today expressing shock that New Zealand's youngest killer, Bailey Junior Kurariki, "remains a risk to others and has a distorted understanding of society," despite five years in prison.
"Gosh, I'm flabbergasted. When I read what the parole board had to say I could scarcely believe it," said Dorothy Snoodle. "I would have thought 5 years in prison would have given the 12 year old a profound empathy for others and a strong sense of community."
Enid Thock who runs a cattery told the Kiwi Herald that she had thought "prison was the ideal place to develop a love of small animals and a desire to care for the disadvantaged. But really, having read the parole board' s comments about this young boy I'd think twice about sharing a pizza with a convicted murderer."
Local beneficiary Rod Mahi said that having read the news he would now seriously reconsider his future.
"I had been planning to go to prison myself in the hope of becoming a better person and gaining a deeper understanding of society. I'd actually hoped to use that understanding to become a social commentator or journalist when I got out but now I'm wondering. I mean is the prison course not very good or did that kid not learn because he wasn't paying attention?"

Most residents expressed incomprehension at the parole board's finding that Kurariki's time in prison has not helped him to "understand the dynamic factors that underpinned his offending."
Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Frank Lush told our reporter "I'm having enough problem understanding the dynamics involved in why I just went in-off off the black without making sense of what makes me what I am."

AIRPORT INTER-SPECIES SEX AD PULLED

2007-01-18T19:17:00.000+13:00

Moenui Airport officials say they're not lacking in humour despite banning a billboard featuring a confused, scantily-clad Australian model performing fellatio on a small rhinoceros.
The image of the former Miss Australia with an apparently mesmerised baby Rhino is captioned "If you think this is tasteless, you've never smelt a rhino," and advertises Lovable underwear.

The billboard was declined by the airport management, who felt that the image portrayed an unsafe act and that the rhino featured in the billboard was ''almost certainly a minor."

"We at the airport are as amused as anyone else by images of people having sex with animals," Nick Forbes, the airport's general manager retail told the Herald. "It is unfair to say we lack a sense of humour. Just yesterday the entire customs section was falling about with laughter when someone confiscated a video of David Attenborough in a menage- a-trois with a Komodo Dragon and a tree climbing crab. The trouble is that the rhino featured in the ad is well under the age of consent and the model involved was obviously rather confused and likely to suffer injury. Attempting to put the horn of a live rhineoceros in one's mouth is foolhardy."

The lingerie billboard is not the first airport billboard in New Zealand to be declined.

Wellington Airport recently declined to display a National party billboard featuring an image of the PM's husband Peter Davis kissing a blue-suited man with the caption "Paintergate, Corngate, Doonegate, Speedgate, Pledgegate, Titillate".

NEW YEARS HONOURS BYPASS MOENUI

2007-01-14T17:23:00.000+13:00

Moenui residents expressed relief today upon learning that they are the least likely people in New Zealand to win New Years Honours.
In a statistical analysis released by the New Zealand Herald, it was shown that while Wellingtonians have a one-in-10,278 chance of receiving an honour, and Aucklanders a one-in-27,591 chance, Moenui residents have a one-in-17 trillion chance of being honoured, which is similar to the odds of encountering a tryceratops in the Masonic Hotel.
"Thank the good lord for that," commented local identity Frank Lush when told the news. He then went on to confirm that no-one in living memory has reported seeing a tryceratops in the Masonic Hotel bar, though he recalled that Jack Hench claimed to have been spoken to by 'a weta the size of a cow after three days on the wagon back in sixty six.'

Meanwhile the chair of the Moenui Area School Student Council Melodie-Ann Lewis said that the only people in town who might recieve any honour from the Queen were "so full of their own self-importance that anything from the Queen would be wasted on them."

BARNEY GOES : SURGE ARRIVES

2007-01-13T10:13:00.000+13:00

The Presidential pet Barney has been sacked, making him the latest casualty in the shake-up of the administration as George W. Bush attempts to present a new image to the nation and gain support for his new efforts in the Iraq war.
The cute Scottish Terrier (left) who is frequently seen with the President and was known to be a close advisor will tomorrow join other 'old guard insiders' like Donald Rumsfeld and John Bolton in leaving the administration, according to informed sources.
Barney who the President once claimed was 'along with Laura my staunchest supporter in Iraq' will leave the Whitehouse to pursue other interests, such as chasing squirrels, sniffing strangers, and eating from overturned garbage cans.
He will be replaced by Surge, a Saint Bernard (right) who is expected to more easily fit with the new get-tough image of the administration.
"Barney's presence beside the President helped dispel the misapprehension that the President was a cold, un-caring elitist who simply couldn't care about black folks suffering in New Orleans. When you saw George W, and Barney together you knew that the President was a regular, folksy, family guy, " a White -House insider said.
But the time for Barney has passed.
"Surge will leave no-one in doubt that the President and the USA are not to be messed with," the informant told the Kiwi Herald. " Once the public sees Surge out with Mr Bush on his morning run they will sense the new mood of resolution. They'll know they have misunderestimated the resolve of the President."

BLACK CAPS FAIL WITH FAILURE

2007-01-07T13:04:00.000+13:00

In a display of extraordinary ineptitude the Moenui Black Caps yesterday threw away a chance to achieve their worst-ever defeat when a re-called Craig Macmillan scored a boundary from his helmet when attempting to duck under a yorker.
Before a crowd that turned feral as the outcome unfolded, the locals failed to take a single wicket during the visiting Motumurali team's fifty overs and then stumbled to eight runs for nine wickets when a terrified Macmillan threw himself on the pitch as the Motumurali fast-bowler Vaste, attempted to destroy the stumps.
The ball struck Macmillan's helmet and raced away to the boundary to a chorus of booing as the black-caps surpassed the eleven runs amassed by their forbears 20 years ago, when the famed 1987 team lost to a family of muslim market gardeners from Manningville.

Captain Steve Fleming described yesterday's failure as "rubbish" while coach John Bracewell said it was "utter rubbish, but clearly not bad enough to get us into the record books." Bracewell went on to say that he regretted having suddenly recalled Macmillan "who I had completely forgotten about until I bumped into him at the local tip dropping off his empties and batting away blow-flies. He reminded me that I had told him several years ago to go away and work on his technique against the low fast ball and said he reckoned he had it sorted. Well bugger me if I didn't tell him to bring his pads along to the park today and he does this to us."
Before Macmillan's four runs, sundries had topped the Moenui batting tally after local umpire Frank 'four eyes' Fife no-balled Dilhara Fernando for excessive grunting.
The umpire explained to the visiting bowler that the tennis was at Stanley Street where they seemed to appreciate 'those sorts of noises.'

The Moenui Red-caps of 1987 face an attacking Manningville field in the record establishing game. (The team was later re-named black-caps when the local school replaced the black curtains from it's film room.)

LAST LOOK BACK AT 2006

2007-01-02T15:30:00.000+13:00

Last of the retrospectives from 2006

BRASH LAMBASTS POLES
22 November 2006
The leader of the National Party Don Brash today launched a blistering attack on New Zealand's Polish population saying they had far too much influence on the political life of the nation 'especially since there are so few full-blooded Poles living here.' Dr Brash was responding to questions about a new survey that suggests that his deputy John Key is almost as popular as the National Party Leader. Read on...

BROWNLEE MAKES WAY FOR TE HEUHEU
26 November 2006
In a development described as 'visionary' Gerry Brownlee is to stand aside as Deputy Leader of the National Party to make way for Georgina Te Heuheu. Ms. Te Heuheu, who for several months has been mistaken by other caucus members as a member of the parliamentary cleaning staff, will be a 'key part' of new leadership's strategy to broker a deal with the Maori Party. Read on...

LAW SAYS DON'T KNIT AND DRIVE
10 December 2006
In a move to reduce the road toll the Government is to ban automobile drivers from indulging in a number of common activities including knitting, playing the ukelele, stir-frying, reading the TV Guide and having sex. Read on...

RICH PERSON DENIES LEAKING EMAILS
19 December 2006
National Party front-bencher Katherine Rich is denying she stole Don Brash's emails and gave them to Nicky Hagar. Read on...

CLASSIFIEDS

SEPTIC TANKS EMPTIED
over person of your choice
Phone Barry 7117

IF BUNTY FROM CLASSIFIEDS

checked her copy occasionally instead
of talking on the phone and
giving the builders the come-on
this might not have been here.

SALT & AMPHETIMINE CHIPS

Bumper pack for those long nights in front

of the cricket.
Ph 875

WOULD THE PERSON
who borrowed my boat from
the Owairua river bring it back.

I suppose you've drunk the home-brew.

Hope it made you as crook as the rest

made me.

SPORT AND CELEBRITY

2006-12-31T14:11:00.000+13:00

More archived stories from October and early November

WILLIE MASON: "I WAS TRYING TO SING ALONG."
October 16, 2006
Willie Mason has apologised for upsetting New Zealanders with a stream of obscenities during the haka at Saturday's Kiwis vs Kangaroos Rugby league test saying "Honest I was just trying to sing along." Read on...

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL
October 30, 2006
Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store. Read on...

POSH : "I LOOK AWFUL NAKED"
October 10, 2006
Breathless reportage from the NZ Herald
Victoria Beckham has at last confirmed what many people have long suspected: She looks awful naked. Read on...

'HELL' LAUNCHES NEW 'ABSTINENCE' PIZZA
November 02, 2006
Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism. Read on...

KIWI SPORTS STARS SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM
November 04, 2006
NZ Rugby League's "Grannygate" crisis deepened today after international
anti-terrorism squads were called in to investigate who knew the truth about Nathan Fien's Grandmother. League sources have confirmed that MI6, ASIO and the SIS now believe Sinnead Fien was an IRA agent and that her grandson and a number of other NZ Rugby League figures may have been involved in building a terrorist cell within the Kiwi squad. Read on...

BRASH, BUSH, THE BANKER AND DAN

2006-12-30T19:04:00.000+13:00

More stories from our retrospective. These from September and October 2006:

BRASH DECLARES NATIONAL GOVERNMENT IN EXILE

Sept 5 2006

Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding." Speaking from the main stand at Athletic Park Dr Brash said that his Party could no longer stand by "while Ms Clark and her band of thieves refuse to hand back the stolen election."
Read on

BOY BANKER REPORTS RECORD PROFITS

Sept 12 2206
Seven year old Eric Lewis announced today that his First Playground Bank has achieved record profits in the last six months. The boy who began by investing lunch-money on behalf of classmates and moved on to establish the country's first 'Cash for Good Behaviour' scheme, insuring schools against student misdemeanours during ERO visits, made his CEO report while receiving Moenui school's prize for financial literacy.
Read More

MENOPAUSE, IMPOTENCE, ART

20 Sept 2006 (From Our Arts Reporter)
Moenui opera-buff John 'Giovanni' Brown premiered his new one man show 'Impotence-the opera' in the Moenui town-hall last night. The opera, inspired by the highly successful musical 'Menopause-the musical' is described as 'the story of everyman.' Read on

BUSH'S FETISH FORCED COLIN POWELL OUT

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell has revealed that he left George Bush's cabinet because "if the texan nut-bar had patted my head one more time I was going to kill him." ....read on

CARTER'S NEW HAIR-STYLE ROCKS RUGBY WORLD

8 October 2006
Rugby World Cup organisers were today locked in crisis talks after interest in next years event plummeted following Daniel Carter's hair-staightening, according to the Sunday Star-Times.
Read More

HERALD SAVES WAGES WITH RETROSPECTIVE

2006-12-28T19:55:00.002+13:00

In a pathetic attempt to cover the fact that the Kiwi Herald staff are 'otherwise engaged' the editor has requested a retrospective series. The news stories below come from the first two months of publication.

STREAK CAUSES OUTRAGE

Lisa Lewis' streak during a local rugby match has brought a storm of criticism from local residents including some members of her family and her ex-boyfriend.
Lewis who ran 13 naked laps of the Moenui South domain while the players packed a scrum was eventually apprehended and escorted from the pitch by her mother who beat her thighs with an umbrella. Read on...

CAPILL SAYS CHILD ABUSE A MAORI PROBLEM

Graham Capill has joined the chorus of politicians and celebrities describing child abuse as a Maori problem.

The former Christian Heritage Party leader said, “It is time to end the political correctness that bedevils public life and speak out. Read on...

DOGS LOOK FOR WORK

The number of dogs seeking work has risen sharply following the passing of legislation which makes micro-chipping of dogs compulsory except in cases where they are working.

From first light this morning local farmers reported stray dogs turning up to help with mustering and a Moenui woman who is blind told the Herald that she has been overwhelmed by offers of help. Read on...

MPS TOLD 'FOREIGNERS NEED A GOOD SLAPPING'

A Moenui motelier today asked parliament to amend section 59 of the crimes act to make it legal to smack foreigners. The motelier was speaking to a select committee which is considering the removal of section 59 which exempts parents from charges of assault on children if they are using reasonable force. Read on...

'I'M NO HOOKER' SAYS COP

Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore." Read on...

GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

Israel threatened to extend its war for survival into Australia this morning following anti-semitic remarks from the famous Australian born actor Mel Gibson, demanding that the Australia turn over Gibson or face 'targeted actions against known family members and other supporters of Gibson until he is given over to Israeli authorities.' Read on...

PLAYER SUFFERS DIZZY SPELL AS HENRY ROTATES SELECTION
Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. Read on...

SANTA IN GUANATAMO : XMAS CANCELLED

2006-12-22T08:17:00.000+13:00

XMas has been officially cancelled after the Bush Administration arrested Santa Claus under suspicion of aiding and abetting terrorism, designating him as an enemy combatant.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced that St. Nick had been tracked by the FBI for some time, since he fits the classic terrorist profile: a bearded holy man who took flying lessons, repeatedly entered and left this Country without a passport, and controlled a tightly knit cell of subordinates who manufacture concealed packages – that Santa delivers to his network in the dark of night.

Gonzalez further stated that based on warrantless intercepts of phone calls and emails between the North Pole and Detroit, Michigan, U.S. authorities were able to uncover Santa’s “naughty and nice” lists, that implicated him in various Al-Qaeda related activities.
Santa by all accounts is being held at Guantanamo causing a white house insider to comment that, “No, Virginia, apparently there is no Santa Claus, or habeas corpus.”

Original report in the Satirical Political Report

TEN PERCENT OF SCHOOL CHILDREN STALLED

2006-12-20T07:48:00.001+13:00

One in 10 children are troublesome at school because they are 'caught in a cognitive cul-de-sac and incapable of doing a three-point-turn' according to Massey College of Education researchers Dr John Kirkland and Dr David Bilmer. The pair came up with the explanation for school failure while checking the points and plugs on their jointly owned Mazda RX8.

"It came to us almost simultaneously," said Dr Kirkland. "The failure of the car to function properly because of dirty plugs and points mirrors the problems of so-called difficult kids. So many children suffer cognitive dissonance because of a difficult home life. Simply put their brains become clogged with the stresses and garbage of modern living preventing them from showing initiative, asking questions and processing information in the usual way."

But the researchers have a possible solution to the problem - restarting the brain so children regain their passion for learning.

"We've found that vigorous application of a wire brush to the cranial area of most children does the trick. In fact a significant number of children will suddenly become quite inquisitive immediately you approach them with a torque wrench."
Such "stalled children" suddenly start to ask questions like "What the hell is that for?" and "Can I use that thing to turn up the volume on my ipod?"

MINIMUM WAGE RISE CAUSES MAXIMUM HAVOC

2006-12-19T22:15:00.000+13:00

Retailers yesterday reported a sudden spike in the sale of new Holdens, Lion Red beer and reports of neglected children, following the Government's announcement of a rise in the minimum wage.
The Government move to increase minimum hourly pay rates from $10.25 to $11.25 has also sent several thousand small businesses to the wall, according to Business Round Table Chair Roger Kerr.
Meanwhile educationist John Kirkland said that increasing the rewards for people for working in 'lousy jobs' removed the incentive for them to better themselves.
"I'm predicting a shortage of entrepeneurs, bankers and tax lawyers in a few years," said Dr Kirkland. "Night cleaning and Hamburgerology will become the chosen professions of a generation of teenagers."

RICH PERSON DENIES STEALING BRASH EMAILS

2006-12-19T14:27:00.000+13:00

National Party front-bencher Katherine Rich is denying she stole Don Brash's emails and gave them to Nicky Hagar. The denial comes after Richard Prebble claimed that 'a rich person with a grudge against Dr Brash' stole the now infamous emails.
Ms. Rich who recently changed her name to Katherine Moderately-Well-Off in solidarity with new leader and state-house boy John Key, told the Kiwi Herald
that claims by Richard Prebble that 'a rich person with a grudge against Dr Brash stole his emails' had nothing to do with her. She says that a police search of her office found no trace of emails nor any Thai overstayers.

GREENIE ATTACKED, PRIEST IN HELL-HOLE

2006-12-18T20:02:00.000+13:00

Moenui Green-Grocer Leung 'the lettuce' Lee appeared in the local Magistrates Court today on a charge of attempting to sodomise a leading green activist with a stalk of organic celery.
The charge arose from an incident where Mr Lee allegedly lost his temper after being told by the complainant that 'most of his produce consisted of Frankenstein concoctions' and that the few organic products he had were 'disgracefully over-priced.'
Mr Lee is alleged to have suggested that the complainant try the time-worn Chinese organic practice of spraying her vegetables with her own excrement and then volunteered to assist in the process whereupon he attacked her with the celery.
The case is continuing.

PRIEST IN HELL OF A LOT OF TROUBLE

The Pope is alleged to be considering the ex-communication of Moenui Priest Father John Paul, after it was revealed the local priest has regularly had "Lust' pizzas delivered from the Hell Pizza chain in Kainui. This week the NZ Catholic Newspaper slammed Hell's practice of including condoms in the 'Lust' pizza.
"Condoms smothered in hot mozzarella may be slightly risque but they can cause injury and almost certainly will not work," said the newspaper. "Furthermore it is not natural."
Meanwhile Father John Paul is claiming that the pizzas were bought to honour the Vatican 'where they eat alot of that sort of thing,' and for the condoms which are used as holy-waterbombs by altar boys during Xmas hi-jinks.

LAST WEEK'S HEADLINES

2006-12-18T12:13:00.000+13:00

The week in summary from Lyndon Hood at SCOOP

Kiss of John Key Turns National Party Into Beautiful Princess

Helen Clark Remains Predictably Agitated
After Fiji Prime Minster Overthrown Over Corruption Allegations,
Foreshore Legislation

Report Attributes Prison Van Death To Multiple Corrections Failings;
Murderer Also Implicated

Wine Competition Leads To Whine Competition

First Rumsfeld, Then Brash, Bolton, Friedman, Pinochet, Basset -
US Midterms Claim More Victims

Release Of 2050 Energy Strategy Leads To
Parliamentary Hot Air Trading

Draft Energy Efficiency Strategy: Save Power By Reducing Drafts

Brash Inadvertently Reads Out 'From', 'Subject' Lines In Valedictory Speech

Nats To Contest 2008 Election On Global Warming, Maori Issues -
Labour To Propose Tax Cuts

Drugged, Cellphone-Using Driver Industry Complains Of Over-Regulation

Telecom Unbundling Bill Solves Every Problem In Country

Parliament Stops Sitting; Politicians Keep Lying

Public Servants To Work Even Less Over Christmas Season

THINGS NEVER BETTER FOR POOR

2006-12-17T22:18:00.000+13:00

GUEST COLUMNIST

Here's a bit of Christmas cheer. Planet Earth is not, contrary to Nicholas Stern, Al Gore and acolytes, ending in a boil-up. In fact as Roger and Me, and a few our friends were saying over a champers and strawberry breakfast just today "things have never looked better, especially since I married the fabulously wealthy Rog."
This has been confirmed in a book by acclaimed American economist Indur Goklany entitled The Improving State of Deborah's World

In this country it will be dismissed as rubbish, especially by those on the extreme left, but in a sensible analysis Goklany shows that global warming is in reality a fantastic opportunity to embrace the long summers of our childhood. Sure it may get warmer "exacerbating existing problems, such as malaria, coastal flooding and habitat loss" but this will be compensated by opportunities "to wear colourful bikinis and enjoy iced tea for longer periods of the the year."
Personally I doubt the veracity of the global warming doom-saying. Sure there have been an extraordinary number of ice-bergs floating past Lyttleton freighters and many hurricanes and floods but I, for one, was known in our district as the flood baby. Born in February 1953, when central Hawke's Bay roads were washed out my mother was like Mrs Elephant on Noah's Ark when it came to getting to a maternity hospital. No one, on either occasion, mentioned global warming!

And speaking of babies, Goklany's book says it's never been a better time to grow up poor. There's been a dramatic rise in living standards for these kids. Sure, growing up in colourful Soweto or in the vibrant slums of Mombai may be squalid, and sentence you to an early death from AIDS, but there was never a time like now when you could watch The Apprentice free-to-air or thrill at the prospect of a visit from Bono or Madonna at any-time involving a photo-op or even a celebrity adoption.

And if you want proof here's some statistics: in poor countries, the daily intake of calories per person has increased by 38 per cent since the 1960s to an average of 2666 calories per day. Now doesn't that make you oh-so-suspicious of all those photos of waifs from Darfur and the Congo? I mean what are they doing with the calories? Selling them on the stock exchange? Everyone knows how fashionable it is for kids these days to throw-up their breakfast so they can get on the cover of Pavement Magazine but hell someone needs to take the parents of those kids to task.

This book, from the previews I have seen, should be required reading for every New Zealand politician over their Christmas break. Roger and Me, (or is that Roger and I?) will be reading it together on boxing day after we feed the left-over turkey to the cats.

KEY'S 'ROOTS' TO BE PUBLISHED

2006-12-14T21:14:00.000+13:00

John Key's 'return to his roots' to present an Orewa style defining speech is to be documented by Alex Haley Jr and published as a non-fiction work entitled "Roots NZ : The Journey of Kunta Key."
The National Party leader announced yesterday that rather than make his new years' speech in Orewa he would return to Burnside
Haley whose father wrote the original 'Roots' is excited by Key's story which he says has remarkable similarities to the story his father told of an African American man's odessey to find his origins in the tropical forests of the Gambia.
The National Party leader's book is expected to include tales of Key's years as a strong young warrior in the state house jungle of Burnside, before his transportation into the world of commerce, where against great odds he carved out a distinguished career, eventually becoming the leader of the great NZ political party.
The book will also reveal how Key never lost the dream of searching back through his history to re-discover the legacy he lost and in doing so reforge his bonds with the 'ordinary Kiwi Battler.'

HYPERACTIVITY TREATED IN WOMB

2006-12-13T17:41:00.000+13:00

Washington, D.C. – Results of a recent study conducted by researchers at Georgetown University suggest that the use of Pritalin, a version of the ADHD drug Ritalin specially formulated for second- and third-trimester fetuses, can significantly reduce symptoms of in-the-womb hyperactivity in unborn children.

"Our research shows that the daily use of Pritalin by an expectant mother can have dramatic results in calming the behavior of an unborn child who is fidgeting and fussing around and whatnot in the womb — a period during which the fetus should instead remain mostly docile as it focuses one hundred percent on its physical development," said Dr. John H. Ryan, lead researcher on the study.

Read the rest in Recoil Magazine

CUBISTS LAUNCH UNNAVIGABLE WEBSITE

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000+13:00

The International Society of Cubists officially launched its Web site today, a brilliant rejection of natural form and perspective that metaphysically establishes the implication of movement, analytically redefines spatial relationships, and is an absolute bitch to navigate.

"What the hell is this? I can't tell how to get anywhere," one of the site's first visitors told the Cubist Society's Webmaster-Curator, Paulo Cassat. "Is this art, or is this a Web site?"

"Thank you," Cassat responded.

According to Society President Francisco Bernioz, the group launched the site to bring attention to Cubism, which was founded in the early 20th Century by Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque. The Society also hopes to establish a scholarship fund for young cubist painters and sculptors. However, at a public showing of the site here in Spain's capital, most initial visitors were clearly uncomfortable with the design, especially the artists the site intends to help.

LAW SAYS 'DON'T KNIT AND DRIVE'

2006-12-10T13:37:00.000+13:00

In a move to reduce the road toll the Government is to ban automobile drivers from indulging in a number of common activities including knitting, playing the ukelele, stir-frying, reading the TV Guide and having sex.
The bans, announced by transport minister Harry Duynhoeven are to be included in a law that oulaws using cell-phones while driving a motor vehicle.
"We had always thought it was just common sense that texting with a mobile phone while driving was not advisable but the number of accidents caused by the use of cell phones is astonishing," said the Minister. "After some thought we then decided to add a number of other activities that apparently have been done while driving."
Meanwhile the Convenor of the Moenui Knitting Circle Freda 'flashing fingers' Finch described the law as "another example of Government trying to control ordinary people's lives. Next thing OSH will ban sex while knitting," she said.

A photograph from a police speed camera (right)

NEWS IN BRIEF

2006-12-06T16:18:00.000+13:00

Moenui police are investigating the theft of several pairs of mens briefs from 'Moenui Fashions' after shop assistant Daryl Fey reported the loss. Mr Fey provided identikit descriptions to police and has expressed a willingness to 'carefully peruse any line-up of suspects that police put together.

The identikit picture drawn up by Mr Fey and police

MOENUI SEVENS AFFECTED BY COUP
The Moenui Rugby Sevens is set to become the 'Rugby Quartets' next year as a consequence of Government sanctions against Fiji.
A Fijian team has always been the big crowd-puller of the event but the ban on sporting contacts following the recent coup has prompted the change.
Instead the Moenui rugby club will invite a barber shop quartet from Fiji to the tournament.
"At first we thought we could provide a Fijian presence by inviting the Suva Singers to come and sing the anthems but then we thought they could play as well," President Rob Fisher told the Kiwi Herald.
"After all, they're blokes, they're Fijian and they have rhythm. It stands to reason they can play football."
Because there are only four in a barbers' shop quartet the 'sevens' tournament will be modified to a quartet's event.

APOLOGY
In the lead-up to Xmas the Kiwi Herald wishes to apologise for the large number of obituaries that have offended this year.
We particularly wish to apologise to the living who were listed as dead and described somewhat unfavourably. We also wish to apologise to the parents of aborted feotuses whose obituaries were listed.
We want to assure the public that Bunty from Classifieds now plays bowls on Sunday and no longer attends the Moenui Church of the All- Seeing Eye.

SMOKING MP OFFERS APOLOGY

2006-12-05T13:36:00.000+13:00

A National Party health spokesman, who set fire to a corporate box while smoking 'P', says he has "learnt some valuable lessons about public life".
Dr Jonathan Coleman, a former GP and National's mental health spokesman, attracted a barrage of criticism after lighting-up in the exclusive corporate box at U2's Auckland concert last weekend, immolating a number of well-heeled fans and causing Bono to abandon the hit 'Fire', mid-song.
Yesterday, Dr.Coleman told The Kiwi Herald that in hindsight he would "do things differently and stick to the smoked seafood platter rather than smoking the 'P' pipe which had been handed him 'by a man with an uncanny resemblance to a former party leader.'
Dr. Coleman said he was not a regular smoker and had 'never inhaled but this time things just got totally out of hand.'
"One moment I was taking the pipe and the next thing Bono was leading a National Party rally in a wall of flames. It was bloody marvellous."
The newly promoted Dr. Coleman told the Herald that he now accepted he had been a little niave and would not be accepting gifts from admiring constituents in the future.
Meanwhile National Party Leader John Key said: "Dr Coleman is a new MP, still learning to live his life under a microscope. Let's keep this in perspective."

IRAQ WAR TO END FRIDAY

2006-12-03T20:14:00.000+13:00

The war in Iraq will finish Friday lunch-time according to the Fiji Post.
Commodore Frank Bainimarama, who has for some months promised to stage a coup d'etat against the Government, will first 'deal to the corrupt elements in Iraq and bring order to that country now that the Dubai Rugby Sevens is over,' before carrying out the coup.
The Colonel has been in Dubai for the past few days watching the national team which went out in the semi-finals of the event. He reportedly decided to bring order to Iraq after a phone call from President Bush who heard the colourful Commodore was in the neighbourhood.
"Mr Bush has read about Bananarama and thinks he is our kind of guy," a White House official is reported as saying. "Not only is he a no-messin-around go-getter, but by coincidence he recorded one of the Laura and George's favourite songs 'Na Na, Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye."
The Fiji Post says that the Commodore will install an interim administration in Iraq immediately order is restored with Ratu Epeli Ganilau as prime minister.

CLASSIFIEDS

2006-12-02T22:55:00.000+13:00

SEPTIC TANKS EMPTIED
over person of your choice
Phone Barry 7117

URGENT SALE
PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY PLAY-SET
intending buyer gone to rugby game. Says he

will be in tomorrow but unreliable.
Ph Laisenia 766

IF BUNTY FROM CLASSIFIEDS

checked her copy occasionally instead
of talking on the phone and
giving the builders the come-on
this might not have been here.

SALT & AMPHETIMINE CHIPS

Bumper pack for those long nights in front

of the cricket.
Ph 875

WOULD THE PERSON
who borrowed my boat from
the Owairua river bring it back.

I suppose you've drunk the home-brew.

Hope it made you as crook as the rest

made me.

BUSH REJECTS TIMES TABLE AS TOO CONFUSING

2006-12-01T07:52:00.000+13:00

By Don Davis

As the debate over an exit strategy from Iraq continues to dominate the headlines, President Bush has reaffirmed his rejection of a times table, as too hopelessly confusing.

As he struggled to adjust his watch to new time zones during his trip to the Middle East, Bush said that the American people have very bad childhood memories about times tables, and would not want to repeat that experience with Iraq.

Bush added that “stay the course” is a lot easier to understand than such complicated problems as “Shia X Sunni = Civil War.” He also indicated that he still doesn’t get the equation of “Stupidity X Arrogance = Quagmire Squared.”

From The Satirical Political Report

PETERS TO GOVERN FIJI

2006-11-29T23:11:00.000+13:00

Fiji will awake this morning to the news that Winston Peters has replaced Laisenia Qarase as Prime Minister of the island nation. Diplomatic sources revealed last night that the NZ Government had negotiated the deal with Commodore Voreqe Bainimarama, avoiding a coup and leaving the door open for Major Ron Mark to take control of the NZ First Party.

Insiders say that Winston Peters' record as an anti-corruption campaigner, especially his role in the Wine Box investigation were critical in persuading the Fijian military Commander to accept the Kiwi veteran politician as PM.

"I am a long-time admirer of Winston," said the Commander. We in the army are determined that Fiji has a clean-up and to paraphrase Winston himself, the current Prime Minister "has sat too long for any good he has been doing. Depart, we say."
"The time has come to take away that fool's bauble."

Commander Bainimarama, also expressed admiration for Mr Peters' suits, saying the NZ First leader 'never fails to pass muster.'

Sources close to Mr Peters say that he is looking forward to his new role which will be 'a little like keeping the peace amongst the factions of the National Party - but in a climate much more like Northland than Wellington.'

BUSH SAYS NO 'CIVIL WAR'

2006-11-29T20:37:00.000+13:00

President George Bush continued today to deny that the 1861-65 war between the states was an American Civil War, saying the period was instead a period of 'sectarian violence fomented by folk with a deep hatred of freedom."

Speaking from Estonia en route to Latvia the President said that the fighting between Americans was "fomented by outsiders promoting alien ideas."
"These evil-doers turned good Americans against each other, causing terrible loss and suffering and we all know 'a house devided against itself cannot stand."
The President said that like President Jefferson Davis and those who followed him, he would 'go the distance in Iraq.'
"This administration intends to be like Kevin Costner in 'Field of Dreams," said the President."We will go the distance. People will come."
"Like baseball America will persist. And as in the days of old, Iraqi brothers will once again share a kebab with a can of coke."
Following his speech Fox News reported a surge in the President's popularity ratings.

FIRST DOG FIRST IN NEW IRAQ POLICY

2006-11-27T20:51:00.000+13:00

U.S. troops stationed in Iraq hailed an unannounced and unaccompanied visit Monday from Barney, the White House senior dog who belongs to President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush.
Landing in Baghdad's Green Zone aboard Air Force One amid extremely tight security, the Scottish terrier met with nearly 800 troops at a military mess hall, then visited Camp Victory, the U.S. military headquarters on the outskirts of Baghdad. In both locations, the 6-year-old First Dog was greeted with loud cheers and standing ovations by servicemen and women.

"Barney's visit really cheered us all up," said Army Spc. Anthony Udall, who was given the privilege of escorting Barney across the airport tarmac. "I can't tell you how great it is that the White House would send one of its own to spend some time with us out here."

Although was in Iraq for less than a day, he maintained a busy schedule while there. Events included handshakes with top U.S. field commanders, a tour of the base's new recreation facility, and a ride in an armored vehicle. Besides sitting and staying at a military briefing, Barney also participated in the ground-breaking for a new visitors reception center at Camp Victory, during which he energetically dug alongside camp officials.

The First Dog

Barney, the highest-ranking official to visit Iraq in months, had a full schedule:

8 a.m. Morning walk with generals on the ground
9 a.m. "Sit-down" with troops
10:30 a.m. Game of catch
12 p.m. Lunch, photo ops
1 p.m. Bathroom break
1:05 p.m. Moment of silence for fallen soldiers
2 p.m. Treats

For the full story read The Onion

BROWNLEE GOES, TE HEUHEU ARRIVES

2006-11-26T19:45:00.000+13:00

In a development described as 'visionary' Gerry Brownlee is to stand aside as Deputy Leader of the National Party to make way for Georgina Te Heuheu.
Ms. Te Heuheu, who for several months has been mistaken by other caucus members as a member of the parliamentary cleaning staff, will be a 'key part' of new leadership's strategy to broker a deal with the Maori Party.
"Under Don, when the party-line was that 'real Maoris' didn't really exist we forgot about Georgina," an insider told the Kiwi Herald. "If we noticed her at caucus meetings at all we just assumed she was one of the brownish tea ladies or a late finishing cleaner. I remember on one occasion Gerry asking her if there were any more Tim-tams and another time Judith Collins offered her 'some pin-money doing a little ironing for her ainga."
"Always the polite one, Georgina said thanks but she didn't understand Samoan."

The same informant told the Herald that new strategists believe the National Party can only achieve Government in 2008 by becoming 'Maori friendly' and making a deal with the Maori Party.
"At an informal caucus someone commented that telling Hone Harawira he's not a proper Maori isn't working and then Lockwood suggested that we promote someone with a really good sun-tan to a leadership role."
"When Tau Henare cleared his throat everyone kind of looked panicked and then in walked the 'tea lady' apologising for being delayed by visiting constituents. Suddenly old Clem Simich looked up from reading the order paper and suggested that the former Minister of Maori Affairs was an ideal candidate for Deputy Leader and pretty soon, everyone was agreeing it was a brilliant stroke."
Gerry Brownlee apparently agreed to standing aside when Ms. Te Heuheu promised that he could accompany her to Marae where 'a cracking good feed is always assured.'
Meanwhile a last minute change of name by deed-poll for Katherine Rich has failed to gain the support she needed for the Deputy's job. Many thought that Katherine Moderately-Well -Off sounded even less friendly to the average voter than her previous name.
The Herald understands that Don Brash has agreed to stay on in the shadow cabinet as spokesperson on Asian and other Affairs. It is believed that once National is in Government the former leader will be appointed Ambassador to the Vatican.

BRASH LAMBASTS POLES

2006-11-22T22:03:00.000+13:00

The leader of the National Party Don Brash today launched a blistering attack on New Zealand's Polish population saying they had far too much influence on the political life of the nation 'especially since there are so few full-blooded Poles living here.'
Dr Brash was responding to questions about a new survey that suggests that his deputy John Key is almost as popular as the National Party Leader.
"Frankly," Dr Brash told journalists "I think most New Zealanders have heard more than enough from the Polish community. New Zealanders are a tolerant people but not a day seems to go by without some Pole telling us what are supposed to think. Well I have news for these people. That kind of mind-control may have worked in Gdansk ship-yards but it wont work here."
In a rare show of political consensus Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen told the Kiwi Herald that "the Poles are given far to much weight by commentators. Everyone knows that Samoans, especially those living in Mangere, are the ones who decide elections."

Young Polish women in Christchurch practice a cultural dance

INJUNCTION STALLS MOVIE

2006-11-22T00:02:00.000+13:00

Moenui pensioners John and Jane Doe revealed tonight that a sex video based on Don Brash's emails may never reach the screen. "It's a tragedy," Mrs Doe told reporters. "The nation may never see this real cracker skin-flick."
Speaking at an especially arranged press conference at the Sunset Pensioner Village the septuagenarian couple who star in the video said that the injunction expressly banning them from publishing left them disappointed and out of pocket.
"We are in the same position as Nicky Hagar," said a clearly upset Jane Doe. "Except we left out the boring political stuff and just featured the sexy bits."
"We've spent months training for the exhausting roles and then filming and now we are left with a whole heap of tape and unpaid physio and drug bills," John Doe told the Kiwi Herald. "I may even have to return the new dentures I got for the role. That's if I can find them and aah frankly I can't remember whether I wore them in the final scene involving the Exclusive Brethren or not."

Mrs Doe said that her husband had been perfect in the role of Dr Brash; a man with an extraordinary inability to remember anything that happened more than two minutes previously but an absolute God in the bedroom.
She could not reveal any details of the video but did not discount suggestions that former National Party President Collinge has a cameo role nor that Kim Jung Il has added an advance copy of the movie to his vaste collection.

GOD FAILS TO SHOW AT CRUISE WEDDING

2006-11-21T08:26:00.000+13:00

VATICAN CITY - God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he did not attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he feared his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many God watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women and movie stars outside the church.

God's statement insists, however, that his absence was motivated simply by a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, God's decision should not be interpreted as payback for Mr. Cruise' snub of God's mother, Oprah Winfrey, who was not invited to the wedding.

"Nevertheless," Vatican insiders whisper "there was no way the big guy was going after he heard L. Ron Hubbard's seat at the wedding table was closer to the groom's than his."

In other reports from the wedding guests were "strongly advised" to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to give themselves time to freshen up after being strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were be confiscated, and guests' hands stamped with an image of a L. Ron Hubbard.
Guests who left the reception hall, were not readmitted.

By Chip Hilton
Reprinted from The Pugbus http://www.pugbus.net/

BRASH STILL LEADS NATS , MOORE PM

2006-11-19T21:08:00.001+13:00

New Zealanders awoke this morning to the startling news that Don Brash is still the leader of the National Party causing suggestions that the media is unreliable and feuling rumours that a toupee-wearing Mike Moore may have been Prime Minister for the past seven years.

The endlessly predicted fall of Dr Brash, first reported by Nostradamus in a 1557 edition of Quatrains, is being regarded with increased scepticism by the public. Moenui commentator Frank Lush told the Kiwi Herald that the failure of the prediction to come to fruition was causing widespread doubt in the veracity of media reports.
"Lets face it," said Mr Lush, "By my count, the coup against Don Brash has been announced 373 times by media in the past seventeen weeks and the wiley old bugger is still there. The gap between forecast and fact is leading to a real crisis of confidence in the fourth estate."

Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Lush described the the on-going 'fall of Brash' story as the New Zealand equivalent of US reportage of imminent victory in Iraq.
"No one really believes it anymore. Everyone knows that the supposedly bumbling Magoo-like Brash has turned out to have a sex-life of an Al Qaeda prince and is forever in secret meetings with jokers who are on first-name basis with the big fella upstairs. John Key on the other hand is turning out to be a smiling Donald Rumsfeld; big on promise but tardy on delivery."

Lush says that some kiwis he has spoken with have completely lost faith with the media reportage. "Just yesterday some bloke staggered into the bar out of the driving rain and said,"If that's the 'sun with occasional cloud' the TV reckoned we were due for, Mike Moore's the Prime Minister."

TEEN DEMANDS DNA TEST OF FAMILY

2006-11-18T21:07:00.000+13:00

Following on from an Australian case where a man established he was not the parent of two of his children, Moenui teenager Melodie-Ann Lewis is seeking DNA testing of her family in a bid to establish that she has 'absolutely nothing in common with them.'

The fourteen year old Lewis who chairs the student Council at Moenui Area School says her family is 'a complete embarrassment' and that she was 'more than likely mixed up at birth' and instead of going home with her real parents 'ended up stuck in a household of complete losers and misfits.'
Lewis says she had long suspected her older sister Lisa was adopted especially when the 'brainless tart' streaked at a local rugby match earlier this year.
"I've worked it out now though," Melodie-Ann told the Kiwi Herald. "It's the entire family. I'm the one who doesn't fit in. The olds are nice enough but may as well live in the Dark Ages and the little brother is just plain wierd."
In anticipation that DNA testing will establish that she is indeed 'living amongst strangers' Melodie-Ann is asking 'any real cool couple with a disappointingly ordinary daughter born the first week of February 1992 to 'take a second look.'
"I could be the really discerning, free-spirited and multi-talented daughter you always dreamed of nurturing."

RUMSFELD'S SHOWREEL

2006-11-13T09:55:00.001+13:00


Donald Rumsfeld has released his showreel as he prepares to make a move into the entertainment industry. (courtesy-Late Show)

MOENUI TO GO DANISH OVER SPEED?

2006-11-12T20:39:00.001+13:00

The Kiwi Herald has gained access to a video detailing a Danish road speed reduction campaign that may be introduced locally.
The video was part of a District Council report describing possible solutions to an on-going speeding problem at the Parnell Street roundabout. It was passed on the local police Constable Frank Tawhai 13 months ago who says he "has been looking into the matter."
We invite ratepayer comment on the possible introduction of a similar scheme through our letters column.

DAN CARTER IN BRIEFS

2006-11-10T12:42:00.000+13:00

NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui publisher Harper Collins is to reprint the Dan Carter series of books. The release of new editions by Mildred A. Wirt is described by Collins as a shameless attempt to make money by name association. "I'm certain that alot of people will buy the books thinking they are about the rugby playing celebrity when in fact they are stories written in the 1940's about a Cub Scout pack. However our brilliant marketing strategy to include a Jockey sponsored bookmark with each copy is sure to stimulate an interest in Scouts and Cubs.

PLANNING HEARING

A Moenui Council planning hearing yesterday okayed the accumulation of 'a whole heap of clothes and other shit' at the foot of a bed at a Parnell Street address. The request for an exception under the RMA came from 15 year old Mike 'eminem' Moore and was opposed by Mrs Eva Moore of the same address.

MOTELIER CONVICTED

Moenui Motelier John Pope, who was convicted on Thursday of biting a party of American tourists when they said they were loving their time in Australia, will open a new business next week. Post, who told the Judge he had never met a member of the public who would not benefit from a good slapping, was today putting the final touches to signage for the Barking Mad Boarding Kennels.

RUMSFELD TO 'HANG-OUT WITH OLD BUDDY'

2006-11-09T14:12:00.000+13:00

Donald Rumsfeld who resigned his position as Secretary of Defence today will "take a week or two off to visit with old friends before deciding on his future."

A Pentagon spokeman told the Kiwi Herald that Mr Rumsfeld planned to spend a few days "hanging about with an old buddy in Baghdad. Both of the great men have known the ups and downs of public life. They'll have alot to talk about I'm sure; like where the WMD's are hidden."

Mr Rumsfeld was unavailable for personal comment about his future plans but through an an aide re-iterated some famous Rumsfeld wisdom.
"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started," the satement began before repeatng the much quoted Rumsfeld adage: "As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

Asked to sum up Rumsfeld's contribution to the Iraq a Pentagon spokesman responded- "As you know, you go to war with the Secretary of Defence you have, not the Secretary of Defence you might want."

Rumours that Mr Rumsfeld will pursue a career in stand-up comedy are not being discounted by observors. His showreel is available here

POLICE TRAINING TO KEEP PANTS ON.

2006-11-09T09:37:00.000+13:00

The police training College will introduce a "Keeping Ourselves Safe" module for police officers, as a way to help male officers "keep their pants on when dealing with female members of the public."
Announcing the measure Police Training Advisor Gary Gottlieb said that recent court proceedings showed that "for the male policeman, New Zealand is a dangerous place."
"There are growing numbers of female sexual predators out to ensnare unsophisticated policemen into sexual degradation."
Mr Gottlieb described the women as "bad sorts who may look like any other woman but have failed to control the fundamental female urge to be sexually ravaged by a man in uniform."
"The new police training recognises the growing problem. We are all aware of the appalling Nicholas case early this year where a young woman consistently lured entire team policing units into her sick sexual world, but let me assure the public this is just the tip of the viceburg."

Mr Gottlieb said that people should not underestimate the damage that such incidents did to the victims. "Invariably the men in these cases are innocents who have no idea that there are women out there who will stop at nothing to fulfill their fantasy of being sexually dominated and then publicly degraded by dragging the whole sordid business through the courts."
"Sometimes the men carry the scars with them for many years," said Mr Gottlieb.
Mr Gottlieb was last night relieved that a northland police officer's ordeal was over. Yesterday an Auckland jury found that a woman had relentlessly groomed the young officer into simulating rape in the local police station and then spent twenty years and two trials attempting to "drag him into the cycle of misery which she had achieved for herself."

WORLD CUP STADIUM FOR MOENUI?

2006-11-07T19:42:00.000+13:00

The custodian of the Moenui Jetty has told the government it can "bugger off if it thinks it's going to build a giant kermode on our harbour."

"I know they haven't mentioned the jetty," said Geoff Vasey. "But I want to make it clear that the eye-sore they've proposed for downtown Auckland will not be coming here."

Mr Vasey who has voluntarily replaced rotten boards on the Moenui jetty for some years was responding to news that the Government's plan for a Rugby World Cup stadium on Auckland's waterfront had run into trouble and a new waterside venue was being considered.

"It wouldn't surprise me one bit if they have the Moenui jetty in mind," Vasey told the Kiwi Herald. "After all it is a unarguably the best spot in the world. But as usual the politicians and smart-alec architects haven't thought it through. Apart from anything else, if they build the national stadium here who is going to fetch the ball when Dan Carter boots the bloody thing amongst Nick's snapper long-lines? You'd be taking your life into your hands asking Nick for the ball back I tell you."

Meanwhile the groundsman of Moenui domain Rob Fisher has reiterated his belief that the town reserve is the best option for the final match of the World Cup. Speaking from his ride-on tractor before an enthusiastic crowd of locals , Fisher said that the original plan to spend $3200 on a domain upgrade was short-sighted and the field was an obvious venue for the World Cup.

Fisher's plan, drawn on the back of a mince-with-cheese pie bag is for a $3.2 million stadium that will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said. "Though we just suggest that people wear togs and snorkles."

Fisher was enthusiastic in promoting the reserve.

"Moenui Domain is the obvious solution," he said. "Apart from the Masonic pub we have about 70 marae here to provide accomodation, about a thousand acres of free parking and only three local politicians to convince."

The Domain option remains popular with Moenui residents.

Fifteen year old Mike 'eminem' Moore told the Kiwi Herald the stadium would put Moenui on the map.
"I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it at all, even though they had some place called Iceland which I reckon has nil future,” he said.

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

The Prime Minister told the Kiwi Herlad she had "no view whatsoever" on the Moenui option.

SADDAM'S SENTENCE BARGAIN TURNED DOWN

2006-11-06T10:29:00.000+13:00

The condemning of Saddam Hussein to death by hanging came only after he refused to accept the sentence of a new term as ruler of the war-torn country.
Western intelligence sources confirmed to the Kiwi Herald that the former dictator refused the dictatorship saying that "he would rather cut and run."
"Governing the current Iraq is a fate worse than death," he is alleged to have said.
"It is an impossibility. I would rather have a quick death than have the life squeezed out of me slowly like is happening to George Bush and the government of Nuri al-Maliki."
Meanwhile, speaking from the USS Abraham Lincoln, President George Bush announced that his mission had been "re-accomplished once more." He said the sentencing of Saddam signalled the blossoming of democracy in Iraq and that providing the Democrats failed to take Congress peace would be achieved by Xmas.

KIWI SPORTS STARS SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM

2006-11-04T18:13:00.000+13:00

NZ Rugby League's "Grannygate" crisis deepened today after international anti-terrorism squads were called in to investigate who knew the truth about Nathan Fien's Grandmother. League sources have confirmed that MI6, ASIO and the SIS now believe Sinnead Fien was an IRA agent and that her grandson and a number of other NZ Rugby League figures may have been involved in building a terrorist cell within the Kiwi squad.

"You don't have to be an historian to know that 'Sinn' Fien and the Irish Republican Army have always been mentioned in the same breath," a breathless Graham Lowe told the Kiwi Herald. "Alot of people must have known what was going on."

Lowe, a former Kiwi coach called on all those involved in the murky affair to come clean for the sake of the game in New Zealand.
"You have to wonder who is implicated," he said. "Ask yourself what a Queenslander was doing trying to infiltrate the Kiwi rugby league team? What was his relationship with Sel Pearson the Chairman of the NZRL who has a surname rich in IRA history?"
Lowe said that he was certain anti-terror authorities would be investigating what went on at the Kiwis' famous private 'Kava sessions' and whether the 'Little General' is in fact a terrorist mastermind.
"I shudder now every time I think of all the talk about him peppering the Aussie back three with bombs," Lowe said.

"What went on at secret 'kava camps?" asks a former coach

STAR HATED BY ENTIRE CAST

2006-11-03T14:32:00.000+13:00

Every member of the cast of Sesame Street harbors a quiet, deep-seated resentment towards Elmo and would like to see him leave the show, according to a published report released Sunday.

"It's Elmo's World and we're just lucky to be living in it," said Zoe, Elmo's supposed 'best friend' on the show but one of his most vocal critics in real life. "That's actually what he thinks. And if that wasn't bad enough, he always makes fun of my pet rock Rocko too! Me don't joke you - Elmo a big jerk."

The report, conducted by the U.S. Department of Pop Culture, found that 100% of Sesame Street cast-members "strongly dislike" Elmo for being so successful.

"The Count used to get five, FIVE! minutes a show to teach children about all the beautiful numbers, ah-ah-ah!" said The Count. "But these days I'm lucky if I even get ten, TEN! seconds of air-time, eh-eh-eh!"

All other cast members echoed The Count and Zoe's sentiments, with none quite so passionate as Oscar the Grouch.

"Scram," said a visibly irate, panting-for-air Oscar the Grouch. "I mean, I know I hate everybody, but wow...I really, really, really hate Elmo. Did you hear that Elmo? I hate your guts. SCRAM!"

The report described Elmo's overwhelming popularity as the leading reason for why his Sesame Street cast-mates despise him so much.

“Within the last ten years Elmo has risen to the level of international superstar and spawned an entire empire of products," said USDPC Secretary Greg Tannenbaum. "This, of course, has led to a large amount of resentment among many of the less-talented, less-cute cast-members."

Reached for comment today, Elmo said that the report made him "sad," but that he had a show to do and just wanted to focus on the number 9 and the letter K.

The entire Sesame Street cast want Elmo off the show

~ BS NEWS

"HELL" LAUNCHES NEW 'ABSTINENCE' PIZZA

2006-11-02T21:47:00.000+13:00

Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism.
In announcing the new 'Abstinence' Pizza, Hell Pizzas Director Warren Powell told the Kiwi Herald that the company was anxious to cater for a variety of tastes and the Abstinence pizza was the first of a series of innovations targeted at 'the more virtuous and abstemious' consumer.
The new pizza designed with the help of Catholic Bishop Dennis Brown would consist of an ultra thin base of unlevened communion bread, no anchovies, no capers and no cheese.
"Indeed," said Mr Powell "the pizza will be completely naked (if you will excuse the expression) but it will come with a free bottle of holy water and a brisk walking programme."
Mr Powell said that the company was confident the new product would 'take off' saying that a number of similar pizzas would follow which he referred to as the 'Heavenly Virtues range.'
The range would include 'Patience' - "for customers who are prepared to wait a very long time for their order" and 'Humility'- "for consumers who won't complain whatever is served up to them."

COUNCILLORS FACT FINDING TOUR WELL WORTH IT

2006-11-02T10:22:00.000+13:00

Moenui Councillor Penny Sefuiva held a full council meeting spell-bound yesterday when she reported back on her recent rate-payer funded fact-finding tour of Europe.
Councillors expressed astonishment when Mrs Sefuiva reported her findings which included evidence that Finns eat reindeer stew while Swedes like pickled herring.
"Gosh, " said a clearly amazed Cr. Vern Walsh. "If I hadn't heard it from Penny herself I would not have believed it. I was also blown away by the fact that the Swiss army knife was first used by the Swiss army who- get this- didn't even fight in World War 2."
Councillors were treated to a slide show showing the joys of business class air-travel by Mrs Sefuiva and all agreed that the service was well worth the extra cost.
At the end of the report Mayor Richard Hubberd thanked Mrs Sefuiva saying he had particularly enjoyed the pictures from Norway that proved "...once and for all that lemmings don't mass suicide from cliffs. It is something I have long suspected," said the Mayor.
The Council then adjourned for a cup of tea and hot crumpets with lashings of golden syrup.

LEAGUE ELIGIBILITY CRISIS SOLVED

2006-11-01T16:06:00.000+13:00

The governing body of Rugby League has put an end to the eligibility disputes that dog the game, by declaring that for future test matches between Australia and New Zealand the two team captains will 'pick-up' for teams from all the players gathered.
In a move described by Australian League chief David Gallop as 'a return to schoolyard traditions' the captain who wins a single round of rock, paper, scissors will get to choose a team-mate first and then "it they'll take turn-about until someone is stuck with Manu Vatuvai as the last choice."
"It makes sense really," said Gallop. "Half of our lot are Maori anyway and you've got a good portion who've played for Samoa, the Cooks and Tonga- not to mention a couple of skippies."
"Mind you we've got one player who's captained Lebanon and another who has played for us, you then us again."
"I say lets stop the arguing and get on with the game."
The solution was announced after a day of tense negotiation, prompted by the selection of Queensland-born Nathan Fien for the Kiwi team on the basis that his Great Grandmother once visited Wanganui.
Insiders say negotiations were at times heated with NZ spokesman Sel Pearson telling the Australian Rugby League, "Don't talk grandparents to me you bunch of hypocrites. Fifty years ago the grandparents of all our players and around half of yours wouldn't have got in the door of an Aussie League Club bar far less been selected for a national team."
Mr Pearson later apologised saying the outburst had come in the heat of emotion as had his threat that NZ would boycott the Sydney Olympics if the Kiwis were docked points for playing Fien.
Meanwhile the Australian Rugby League is rumoured to have hired a number of bookies to research into odds for Rock, Paper Scissors.

SHOPLIFTERS FAIL TO MOVE STORE

2006-10-31T09:38:00.000+13:00

Four Moenui teenagers appeared in the District Court yesterday charged with shop-lifting after they attempted to raise the Moenui 4 Square Store from it's current position on the corner of Parnell Street and deposit it in the harbour.

In evidence Constable Frank Tawhai said the only thing that prevented the successful commissioning of a major crime was the fact that the offenders underestimated the weight of the shop.
"I've not seen such an audacious and foolhardy attempt at crime since the Hoha brothers attempted to hold up the TAB back in '87," Constable Tawhai told the Court.
"On that occasion the TAB was shoulder height when the younger of the brothers lost his balance causing long-time TAB worker Madge Talthrop to fall across the electronic betting terminal and inadvertently place $204,000 on 'LateforLunch' in the 9th race."

Ms. Talthrop became Moenui's first millionaire as a consequence of the accident and surprised locals by marrying Fred Hoha who was twenty years her junior.

In the only other case to be brought before Judge D.B. Leattie yesterday a gang of three youths were charged with assault on rising shot-put star Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea. In evidence Tupaea said he was attacked on the way home from school by the 'bunch of nerds' who first taunted him because he could not recite from the Iliad and then pelted him with scrabble pieces. The case is continuing.

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL

2006-10-30T16:50:00.000+13:00

Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store.

The book, entitled In My Ghostwriter's Own Words has been anticipated ever since the popular shop assistant was passed over in favour of a sixteen year old with exquisite breasts and an encyclopaedic knowledge of confectionary.

In the book Bailey claims that the young replacement, Wendy Petrie-Dish was hired because at sixteen she would work for "sweet bugger all" while Bailey was holding out for a continuation of her $22,800 salary.
"I was worth it. The salary was for my brand. Mention Moenui 4 Square to anyone 'round here and they think of me. I didn't get the nick-name 'Mother of the Village' for nothing," explained the perenially pregnant Bailey.
Bailey was 'gutted' when her salary was leaked to members of the public by her employer and says she found being called a 'rich bitch' really hurtful.'
"I know compared with most people 'round here eleven bucks an hour is alot of money but speaking in a global sense it is not," Bailey told the Kiwi Herald. "Look at all of those other women who front for businesses. I bet that Teresa Gattung and Julie Christie are earning double what I was."

DUNKING WITNESSED BY REPORTER

2006-10-30T09:56:00.000+13:00

A leading pastor who performs 'water therapy on difficult women' has dismissed criticisms of the technique saying 'a dunk in the water' is a 'no brainer' if it saves husbands and families from lives of misery. The technique, witnessed by our reporter, involves the near-drowning of women in an attempt to gain confessions and information but has been criticised by liberal groups.
Reverand Richard Cheney who presides of the Moenui New Life Centre, told journalists that the modern family 'is being torn apart by covens of women intent on bringing civilisation to it's knees' through the promulgation of 'hateful doctrines.'
"Do not underestimate the evil of these women and their groups," said Mr Cheney. "I would be in dereliction of my duty as a leader if I did not perform the dunkings."
A journalist from the Kiwi Herald attended a dunking on Saturday morning, along with 300 cheering locals on the banks of the Wavenay River. The woman Janet MacMurdoch, wearing a fashionable orange jumpsuit, was tied to a seat on a plank and dunked several times in the river for periods up to one minute. On one occasion she was quickly untied and violently beaten about the chest until enough water was emptied from her lungs to allow the treatment to continue. She was then dunked again as many in the crowd cried 'Hallelujah' and 'confess you filthy slut.' Ms MacMurdoch, whose estranged husband described her as 'a mad man-hating witch' was eventually pulled, apparently lifeless, from the dunking chair and hurriedly taken away by ambulance. At this point Reverand Cheney told the rapturous crowd that "God has prevailed and Janet's therapy has succeeded. Before she left for rehabilititaion she whispered thanks to me and asked forgiveness for her sins. She has told me of others who plot evil against our God-fearing community."
Mr Cheney was carried shoulder high from the river-side by adoring supporters.

CHILD PACKAGED AS DOLL

2006-10-27T11:30:00.000+13:00

From The Weekly World News

Ten-month-old Kathy Morben surprised toy shoppers this week when she turned up in a box for the popular Baby Lilly^TM line of dolls.

Kathy, who has since been reunited with her mother, owes her brief stint on store shelves to the strict maternity-leave policies at the Baby Lilly^TM factory.

"They wouldn't let me take time off, so I had to bring her to work," said Mrs. Morben, who inserts plastic left arms in hollow little bodies. "I was a little behind and placed her on the assembly line so I could use both hands."

Perforations in the Baby Lilly^TM box--which allow the dolls' realistic cries and coos to entice buyers--enabled Kathy to breathe during shipping and display.

Mrs. Morben tracked Kathy down using her daughter's lot number and UPC barcode. The mother's cries, screams, and bodily struggle to recover the girl made Mrs. Morben indistinguishable from the other holiday shoppers. Another family purchased the girl before her mother could reach her.

But Kathy was immediately returned to the store, amid complaints of her "excessive realism."

Mrs. Morben reports that her daughter seems uninjured, and untraumatized.

"Sometimes I find her sleeping in the toy box, but other than that she's fine," Morben said.

PARLIAMENT'S OPEN DAY CHANCE TO WITNESS VIOLENCE

2006-10-26T22:24:00.001+13:00

Moenui Senior Citizens are off to Wellington for Parliament's open day this Sunday, excited by the possibility of 'a bit of the biff, some spilled blood and the chance of catching 'the Donsta' at it amongst the cross benches.'
"If what's been on the tellie and in the Kiwi Herald is anything to go by, the Big House has become the best show in town," said 66 year old Bob Threw, who has run the Moenui Fighting Gym for thirty years and has hired the buses for the trip.
"There used to be some clever verbal stouching in the house but now it's moved to the full monty. I can't wait to see the Mallard dishing out a spot of the how's your father to Bob the Builder and a few others. And I reckon it won't take alot to bring Gerry the Giant into a toe to toe either. He's been doing the angry man for so long now I figure he's due to deliver on some potential."
A number of pensioners spoken to by the Herald said that the possibilty of being in the corridoors of power when the planning and execution of a National Party leadership coup was in progress was 'a chance in a lifetime.'
"I still can quote from Julius Caesar which we studied in form four," says Hilda Happenstance. "Yond John Key hath a lean and hungry look. Such men are dangerous."
"Can you imagine it? The deals being done. The knives being bought?"
"I can see it now. 'E tu Gerry!' -and the ambitious one falls."
A small group of pensioners who thought that Don Brash was too popular to be rolled told The Herald they are hoping to pick up some tips from the man who they believe 'is absolute proof that there is life after sixty.'
A few gentlemen said they would also take the opportunity to visit a Wellington travel agent and check prices of flights to Singapore.

DRINK LAWS MUST CHANGE

2006-10-25T12:48:00.000+13:00

Moenui resident Dulcie Willis is calling on parliament to re-introduce the six o'clock closing of hotels and bars saying her husband's dinner has been in the oven since 1967 and if he doesn't arrive home soon she will have to throw it out.
"It's a lovely piece of porterhouse I got in specially," says Mrs Willis.

Tho popular woman, who is president of the local Country Women's Institute, supports current moves to raise the drinking age to 20 and believes that while they are about it "MP's can strike a blow for family life by bringing back the six oclock swill."

"Forty nine years ago a man would wobble home from the pub on his push bike and sit down with the family for a piping-hot plate of meat and two veg. He could be relied upon to give the young fella a good clip round the ears if that was what was required and then we would all sit down in front of the tellie to watch Coro or Gunsmoke. Hubby would contentedly doze off only to be woken by that lovely Marama Martin saying her farewells and the Goodnight Kiwi putting out the cat. These days I doubt half the men round here would even know that Ken Barlow's kids have turned out to be wastrills. They'd be lucky to recognise their own kids now they are stuck in the pub 'til all hours."

Mrs Willis says that in the days of the swill bars were sodden troughs but that longer hours had made them so comfortable men had no need to come home.

"The Masonic in town here was a complete pig-sty with sawdust an the floor and nowhere to sit. These days it serves food, has comfy seating, games to play and even TV to watch. No wonder I haven't sighted Bill for 49 years."

AIR NZ TO MOVE NPC OFF-SHORE

2006-10-22T20:23:00.000+13:00

Air New Zealand has confirmed that in keeping with it’s policy of moving it’s operations off-shore the National Provincial Rugby Competition will be played in Asia from next year.
The move, announced by Air NZ chairman John Palmer as he presented the 2006 trophy to victorious Waikato, will see all current provincial teams disbanded and re-established in Asia where crowds are expected to be bigger, costs lower and television rights more lucrative. The move follows recent out-sourcing of engineering services to China, clerical work to Fiji and plans to send baggage-handling and ticketing to Spain.

Speaking at Rugby Park in Hamilton Mr Palmer said that “running the competition on the Asian continent with it’s greater size and more competitive cost structures makes more sense than continuing to play rugby in a couple of insignificant islands far from major population centres"
Speaking to an exhilarated Waikato crowd Mr Palmer said, “By taking the competition to Asia we will grow the game and attract more customers to the National Airline. I’m sure you will be as excited as I am at the prospect of the Waikato Provincial team being re-located to a part of the world where the people regard the cow even more sacredly than here in Hamilton. Next year your team will be based in Mumbai.”
The Chairman went on to say that the Bay of Plenty team will re-form in Bali while Wellington is expected to make a seamless transfer to Pyongyang in North Korea. Auckland will be based in Hong Kong while Southland will relocate to the miserably cold Vladivostok where Tim Shadbolt is expected to run for the mayoralty.
The Kiwi Herald understands that Air New Zealand is confident it can save on player salaries by seeking out new recruits throughout Asia. Rugby scouts believe there is a ready supply of super-fit, nippy half-backs in the Himilayas and an answer to hooking problems in Thailand. Pakistan and neighbouring Afghanistan may well provide a brace of explosive runners and ruthless counter-attackers.

BUSH DECLARES VIETNAM AND IRAQ FOREIGN COUNTRIES

2006-10-20T09:00:00.000+13:00

President George Bush conceded today that there are similarities between the war in Vietnam and the current conflict in Iraq. "Both Vietnam and Iraq are in other countries," he told reporters. "Other things that are similar are that both times we have been the good guy in the war, standing up against the evil-doer and both times the French have been disappointing."

Asked whether he thought the Vietnam war was now 'a comma in history' as he had predicted the Iraq war would be one day, Mr Bush said it was a smart question. "You betcha," he said. "You just need to take a look at a map of Vietnam to know it has a shape that is just like a comma; kind of a fat round bit at the top and a skinny curly tail."
Mr Bush was quizzed as to whether he agreed with an opinion by New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman that the current violence in Iraq was "the jihadist equivalent of the Tet offensive."
The President responded: "He could be right. Both the Jihadis and the Tet certainly are pretty offensive. I don't think we American's take offense easily. I mean we are fair minded and give and take but I think we draw the line at the Jihads and the Tets."

NORTH KOREA DETONATES 40 YEARS OF GDP

2006-10-19T08:11:00.000+13:00

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—A press release issued by the state-run Korean Central News Agency Monday confirmed that the Oct. 9 underground nuclear test in North Korea's Yanggang province successfully exploded the communist nation's total gross domestic product for the past four...

Read more in 'The Onion'

NO FIREWORKS AS GOVT THREATENS TO CANCEL XMAS

2006-10-18T14:55:00.000+13:00

In a shock announcement yesterday the Minister for Unintentional Humour David Benson Pope announced the government is concerned about the stress Christmas causes for many families and may consider cancelling it.
Read Graham Ried's full article in Public Address

AIR NZ PLAN TO OUT-SOURCE A WINNER

2006-10-17T21:02:00.000+13:00

A majority of Moenui residents polled by the Kiwi Herald have expressed enthusiasm that a Spanish company may take over Air New Zealand's baggage handling and ticketing saying they were 'looking forward to the afternoon siestas at the airport and the traditional running of the bull each time a bag is lost.'
Air New Zealand announced last week it has an offer on the table from the Spanish company to run the services at far cheaper rates than it currently achieves with it's own staff. Air New Zealand beleives it will save $20 million annually by contracting out to the company.
Meanwhile some 35 percent of those polled preferred that the baggage handling be contracted out to the even cheaper Senegalese Women's Coal Carriers Co-operative, while some 24 percent favoured an option where staff collect fares at the door and close the doors when all seats are filled. This plan would save some 60 million a year.

A Senegalese baggage handler

WILLIE MASON: "I WAS TRYING TO SING ALONG"

2006-10-16T13:55:00.000+13:00

Willie Mason 'singing along to the haka '(left) and (right) after greeting David Kidwell.

Willie Mason has apologised for upsetting New Zealanders with a stream of obscenities during the haka at Saturday's Kiwis vs Kangaroos Rugby league test saying "Honest I was just trying to sing along."
The mountainous Aussie prop who was caught on TV mouthing, "What the f*ck is that?" says he couldn't hear the words of the haka because of the noise of the crowd, and was genuinely enquiring what words he had missed hearing.
"We had been singing 'Advance Australia Fair,' on the bus and I really got into the mood for a sing-song. I would have loved to have sung along with the haka too. I could see that little Abo-come-Kiwi Brent Webb there in the front row having a great time and I shouted out to him, 'F*ck off Webby. Your singing too fast. I can't keep up."
The incident has brought considerable debate in rugby league circles with some Australian commentators defending Mason's response to the haka as a 'spirited response to an intimidatory challenge.'
Meanwhile Kiwi second rower David Kidwell whose encounter with a ball-carrying Mason left the big man sporting a black-eye, cuts and dizziness told the Kiwi Herald that his attempt to hongi the big man was perhaps a little over-enthusiastic.

Glossary: Hongi : A traditional Maori greeting involving the pressing of noses.

TYPICAL MAORI HAS 43% PAKEHA NOSE

2006-10-15T12:35:00.000+13:00

A New Zealand geneticist has found that the average Maori is 43 percent European and that some three percent have Jewish connexions, 'making it quite possible someone in Moenui is related to Jesus.'
Dr Rod Lea's findings are based on nose measurements of 10,000 Maori and a similar number of pakeha. The system, known as proboscal categorisation, was first used by German scientists during the nineteen thirties, and has been refined and extended by Dr Lea. Using the technique Dr Lea measures nostril width and nose-bone shape to map an individual's racial heritage.
"A true Maori nose is as different from a classic Anglo-Saxon hooter as that is from a Jewish schnoz. Using our technique we can determine where an individual figures on the racial spectrum."
Meanwhile social commentators are excited by the finding.
"Take Waitangi Treaty claims," sociologist Dr. Dennis Brash told the Kiwi Herald. "In the typical situation a Maori person with a treaty grievance will now be able to negotiate directly with the European part of themselves, cutting out the middle man. I imagine the cost of treaty settlements should fall appreciably."
Educationalist Howard Fancypants sees advantages for parents. "Early proboscal analysis of children will help parents decide what their youngster is likely to excel at. Parents will be able to decide whether to buy their child a guitar and a football for their third birthday or perhaps an abacus and a subscription to Easybuy magazine."
However Moenui Commentator Frank Lush was less effusive in his praise for the innovation. Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel Lush commentated that "Next thing some egg-head will be wanting to tell you your whakapapa by measuring your penis, or God help us by doing a blood test."

A German scientist measures noses in the 1930's

MADONNA BUYS AFRICAN FASHION ACCESSORY

2006-10-14T22:29:00.000+13:00

Madonna returned to England last night, the darker tones of her newly adopted Malawian baby perfectly complimenting her porcelain skin and pink handbag. The Queen of pop, who has spent the past week in Africa, told awaiting media she was excited that in getting her new baby she was able to draw attention to poverty in Malawi.
"Not since David Livingstone visited Malawi in 1859 has their been so much interest in the country," the trend-setting Madonna told the Kiwi Herald. "Back then he was able to help the people by pointing out the evils of the slave trade. I just hope that I can help fight poverty by beginning a traffic in children."
Madonna said that she felt as though she had been called to Africa. "Brad and Angelina drew the world's eyes to Africa by having their baby there. I think I have gone one step further by getting my baby from Africa. I think there is some spiritual design in the fact that my new baby is named David just like the the great English explorer."