Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Depressed people beware! Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai has announced a war against you. Speaking exclusively to the "Herald" yesterday Tawhai outlined his campaign. "Depressed people are really terrorists attacking the happy heart of our community. These misery-gutses wander around the town complaining and wanting us to feel sorry for them. They just want to drag us down."
Constable Tawhai, who is also the Captain of the Southbank Premieres Rugby Team said that sympathising with depressed people was a terrible mistake.
"Those of us who work in the shadowy area of public safety know the danger these people pose to decent society. We know that depressed people are waging asymetrical warfare against the values we hold dear in Moenui."

Tawhai says he was prompted to action by the suicide of a youth in police cells on Sunday night. The man, whose name is yet to be released, was being held for questioning.
"This suicide is now the talk of the bloody town," said a clearly annoyed Constable Tawhai.
"It was a cheap publicity stunt by this young trouble-maker and it seems to have worked in some quarters. Well let me tell you that these sorts of attacks on our happy, orderly town will no longer be tolerated. In future anyone showing signs of depression better buck up his or her ideas quick-smart."
Tawhai says that he is instituting a "three strikes and your out"policy. Any depressed people who fail to change their ways after two warnings will be told to leave town.

A terrorist ponders Constable Tawhai's warning

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