Saturday, July 29, 2006


National Party Leader Don Brash has stunned an audience with revelations of booze binges. Speaking to the New Zealand Association for Migration and Investment Dr Brash revealed that he opposed an open-door immigration policy saying that "diversity is like red wine: a little is good for you but too much too quickly alters your personality and can be thoroughly bad."
Dr Brash went on to say that he was speaking from experience and "what's more flat Lion Red may not upset your stomach but the taste of it when consumed upon waking is enough to make you puke."
Dr Brash told the clearly shocked audience that while his life as a bachelor eating corned beef sandwiches was well known his drinking habits at that time were less publicised.
"Frankly living alone in that cold flat, drying my smalls in front of a one bar heater and working all day with economists plunged me in to a depression from which only alcohol could rescue me. They were trying times but I learned alot about life and alcohol. "
The audience were touched and Dr Brashes shared wisdom.
"Childhood is like a good martini," he said. "It is a complex mix of bitter and sweet and can be bruised if care is not taken in the strirring."
"Sauvignon Blanc is like a student flat in Grafton. It can be cheap but invariably smells of cats pee."
Dr Brash said that whenever he sips champagne these days he recalls election night 2005. "Early on the corks popped in anticipation of victory but by midnight the bubbles had gone and the champagne turned to an unsubtle chardonnay.


Members of Parliament debating the Waitangi Principles today

NZ's Parliament today voted to remove all references to the Treaty of Waitangi from NZ law and replace them with references to the principle behind the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. The Brest Litovsk treaty, through which Russia made peace with Germany, Austria-Hungary and Turkey in 1917 was described by supporters of the new bill as more appropriate to the NZ situation.

New Zealand First spokesperson Doug Woolerton who introduced the Bill said that the Waitangi Principles were confusing and complicated while the principle behind the Brest-Litovsk Treaty was simple. "Basically the principle of those who signed Brest Litovsk was 'bugger the treaty.' Woolerton told the Kiwi Herald
"When the Germans and their mates signed the peace agreement with Russia they had no intention of keeping to it. Within about three months the Turks invaded part of Russia and over the next few years it was bloody near a free for all."
Woolerton went on to explain that having "bugger the treaty" at the heart of New Zealand law would make life much simpler and would more accurately represent the intentions of the Europeans who signed the Waitangi treaty in 1840.
"In a funny way adopting the principle behind the Brest Litovsk Treaty as the basis for NZ law honours our European forebears."


Taito Philip Field has been pipped for an award by a Moenui anti-drug activist who used her home to manufacture P. The anti-drug activist was yesterday named the inaugural recipient of the Graham Capill Award for Grand Hypocrisy. The newly launched award recognises and honours 'hypocrisy and dissembling of the highest standard which deceives the public to an extraordinary extent.'
This year's winner is Renae Stroobant, a 33 year old who lectures in her local community about the dangers of drugs but was recently convicted for the manufacture of methamphetamine.
In announcing the award the Reverand Harley Blowitt said that Ms Stroobant had beaten a strong field which included politicians and celebrities.
"She had plenty of competition but when we had to make a final choice Renae's bare-faced hypocrisy set her apart. It takes an exceptional person to sell themselves to the public as a guardian of public morality while privately manufacturing a class A drug for sale. In the end we simply could not go past this brave young woman. Had she not been caught Renae could well have gone on to become enjoy real celebrity status," said Rev.Blowitt.
The runner up prize went to 'friend of the underdog' Taito Philip Field. The judges' report described how the former MP had created a public persona of beneficience and humility, pretending to help the poorest and most vulnerable while actually exploiting them.
"Taito's feat is extraordinary," said Rev Blowitt. "His deceptive brilliance is such that he has the biggest majority in Parliament. He must be the envy of every politician. Even now aftrer his cover has been well and truly blown he gives the appearance of absolute piety."
Meanwhile the Head Judge of the award said that even though the nominees this year were of a high standard it would be a long time before the country would see hypocrisy to rival that of "the little master" who lead a moral crusade against sexual immorality while actually practicing paedaphilia.

Friday, July 28, 2006


The Kiwi Herald will go international next week when regular commentator Frank Lush begins reports from New York USA. Mr Lush who files regular commentaries from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel in Moenui will be in New York for the wedding of his son Frank Lush Junior. Young Frank who coaches the women's rugby at an American College is marrying the teams first five eighth who is described as having a prodigious left foot. '
Frank Senior was invited to the wedding on the promise that he try hard not to offend any wedding guests by complaining about the quality of the beer or the USA's late entry into both world wars.

Monday, July 24, 2006



TV reporter Guyon Espiner has sewn up a free trade agreement with the USA. The Kiwi Herald believes the arrangement will be revealed in a special TV One news report this week.
Last week New Zealand news viewers were shocked when Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters interrupted Espiner and veteran radio reporter Barry Soper as they opened negotiations with Senator John McCain. Herald investigations show that the clearly embarrassed McCain later contacted Espiner and asked that the chat continue.
"Hey, I just love the guy," said McCain. "Guyon's the sort of man I would have loved to have had with me when I was a prisoner of the Vietcong. He's such a go-getter... a real fighter and you can see with Guyon that it is just so no about him."
TV One current affairs boss Bill Ralston told the Herald that the free trade deal was a real coup. "At the moment the deal is only between Guyon and the US but its a foot in the door. We are confident that gradually the US will extend the deal to include other TV One staff and their families."

The coup for Espiner comes on the heels of his now celebrated interview with Finance Minister Michael Cullen in which the reporter negotiated personal tax cuts for the members of the parliamentary press gallery.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


A rejuvenated Don Brash wowed the National Party faithful today, uni-cycling along a tightrope high above the conference floor. The unusual entrance, a clear reference to the damaging 'walk the plank' incident where Brash appeared unsure and diffident when boarding a boat, ended with the Party Leader grinning broadly to the cheering conference and shouting "Eat my shorts John Key." He then launched into a rousing speech.
Moenui National Party supporters described Brash's performance as 'fantastic' and even 'messianic' denying that it was a cheap political stunt. Long-time member Georgina Forbes typified the reaction saying that the 'walk the plank' incident had made her seriously question Dr Brash's suitability for the leader's job but the tightrope stunt had convinced her that he was the one. "It was a beautifully balanced performance and he looked just right in his Dawn Raid stadium jacket and bandana. He has got my vote," she said.
The new 'fun-loving' Dr Brash is the first sign of the party's 'Cooling of National' PR campaign which will roll out in the coming months. As well as the new association with hip-hop fashion label 'Dawn Raid' the Party leadership is expected to be seen with rock bands though there seems little substance to the rumour that U2 has requested that Gerry Brownlee sing backing vocals for them on their upcoming tour.
The Kiwi Herald can report however that two of the party's female high-flyers have taken the PR advisors recommendations to heart and will soon appear in cover stories in Womans' Day magazine. The move to present a softer 'everywoman' face will be started with a Judith Collins tell-all entitled "My Powhiri Pain" in which Collins tells of the anguish she felt at being removed from the front row at powhiri. Judith Collins goes on to describe her ongoing struggle with grief at the death of her childhood hero Rosa Parkes and how in her sadness she swore to "always sit up front as Rosa showed us even if it means elbowing the likes of Georgina Te HeuHeu out of the way."
The following week Dr Jackie Blue will feature in an article headed "My ER Romance," but rumours that an upcoming "My Lifelong Battle With Cellulite" story will feature Lockwood Smith appear to be fanciful.
Meanwhile United's Peter Dunne is expected to announce next week that he will leave politics to open a hairstyling salon.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


Moenui's long-time weather forecaster Harold Fogg will forecast no more. The quietly spoken Fogg, who has been keeping weather records and predicting the elements for 32 years, made the surprise announcement to a packed Masonic Hotel crowd last night with the words "Forecast your own friggin' weather." He then left the bar and returned to his home where it is reported he then destroyed all of his forecasting equipment.
Some locals believe that Mr Fogg's sudden announcement should have been predicted. Frank Lush who has known Fogg for many years told the Kiwi Herald, "I think Harold's been feeling the pressure for some time now. It's been one hell of a year for him constantly announcing to locals that the weather is going to be crap." Lush said that he had noticed the forecaster had become even quieter than usual.
"It was like he was carrying his own dark cloud around with him and he was kind of apologetic when people asked about the weather. He was actually apologising that there was going to be more cold and wet. Then last night when he walked in and ordered his scotch and dry someone called, 'Oy Foggie when are you going to organise us some sunshine?' Well he just snapped."
Everyone spoken to by the Herald was shocked by Fogg's outburst. According to barmaid Eve Roipata, "The pokies went quiet for a few seconds and nobody said a word until Foggie left the bar. All you could hear was the rain on the roof. It was pretty spooky."
Lush meanwhile is keen that locals remember Harold Fogg's good times. "Some of us remember when he loved reading his instruments. He'd watch his anemometer for hours, almost in a trance. He enjoyed telling you about what was coming tomorrow."
"The 'Indian Summer of 76' was Harold's best time. Those warm, golden days seemed to go on for ever and Foggie took to walking around town in a full Sioux headdress. The kids loved him not just because he played dead when they shot him with their clothes-peg guns but because they knew that he had forecast the great weather."
Today in Moenui there is concern about where forecasting will come from in future. Some have suggested that as a temporary measure an approach be made to Catholic Priest Father John Paul, while a delegation lead by neighbour Martha Harris may try and prize Harold Fogg from his locked shed where he is apparently listening to his stereo.
"Someone has to do something," said Harris. "Ever since last night the mad bugger's had 'It Never Rains In Southern California' on repeat play."

Harold Fogg in 1976

Friday, July 21, 2006


Moenui woke this morning to find that for the 21st year in succession nobody from the town had made the NBR Rich List. The news was described as "terribly sad" by Moenui sickness beneficiary Noeline Smith who said that the town's failure to have a citizen worth $25 million was not for the lack of trying.
"Take me for instance," said Smith speaking from the Casino room of the Masonic Hotel, "I invest just about all of my income here on the pokies or in Lotto but for the life of me I can't boast to having even a cool million under my mattress." The tearful Smith said that reading the NBR this morning had brought home once more that a year had passed wihout her achieving "the Kiwi Dream."
"Of course I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to be on the list but in the back of my mind I half hoped that I had an unclaimed Powerball division one somewhere and the people at NBR knew about it. They know so much you know."
Noeline Smith was not the only townsperson upset by the list. Local oyster farmer Ted Hope had fully expected to 'make the big time' this year on the back of his shellfish business but had struck disaster.
"You wouldn't bloody credit my luck," said Hope. "It turned out my friggin' oysters are all bloody Koreans. How was I to know they'd have half of Eden park spewing their rings out? For God's sake they don't speak Korean."
Moenui's only claim to the Rich List was a family affair and that family does not live in town but in the Meka Valley. The Kaipaipa family made the list for the first time on the back of phenomenal growth in their horticulture business and outlet . The outlet The Stoned Store is named after the famous Kerikeri historic building and tourist attraction.
Local commentator Frank Lush says that the Kaipaipa story is tribute to New Zealanders ingenuity.
"A few years back the Kaipaipas would have qualified as one of Helen Clarke's 'clusters.' Now look at them. It's bloody fantastic. A real illustration of the best of entrepeneurship. Its a victory for Kiwi green fingers I reckon."
Meanwhile the Editor of the Kiwi Herald announced today that he will turn over the next 24 issues to the annual "Surprisingly Poor List."

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore."
Tawhai's denial follows media reports that a police officer has been censured for gaining secondary income through prostitution, but Tawhai agrees with the Deputy Police Commissioner who described sex-work and policing as incompatible.
"The days when a copper could earn a bit of beer money by standing on street corners with handcuffs and a truncheon muttering 'Hello, hello what have we here then?' are long past. Police are no longer held in the awe that they once were."
The popular constable says that he does however know of a number of police officers who gain secondary incomes from other jobs.
"It's not just about money either. Being a cop can be kind of isloating. People treat you differently. Sometimes you need to deal with people in a different role and a part-time job can provide that,"explained Tawhai. He said he knew of one policeman who was working part-time as an orthopaedic surgeon, another who augmented his income calling numbers at a housie hall and another one who danced with the Royal New Zealand Ballet.
For Fred Tawhai however, 'looking after the people of this little bit of paradise is a full-time job.'
Local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel agreed that the local constable was 'pretty much twenty four seven' as the town's only policeman.
"The rumour was just bloody nonsense. A case of people with nothing better to do than spread gossip,"said Lush. "Fred's a first rate bloke who puts in many unsung hours for this town."
Lush said that the constable's only recreation was his rugby and attending weekly meetings of the Moenui Marvel Comics Club. "Fred's a real enthusiast. He started the club and he's the Chairperson. They reckon when he calls meetings to order dressed as Superwoman, Linda Carter herself thinks she's having an out of body experience."
Constable Tawhai and friend

Wednesday, July 19, 2006



A Moenui motelier today asked parliament to amend section 59 of the crimes act to make it legal to smack foreigners. The motelier was speaking to a select committee which is considering the removal of section 59 which exempts parents from charges of assault on children if they are using reasonable force.
John Pope, who has operated the Sea's Sigh Motel in Moenui for thirty years, told the committee that, rather than remove the section, parliament should extend it give protection to those responsible for the care of foreign visitors. He said that in his work he frequently found it necessary to to administer 'a firm but fair slapping' to visiting tourists who lacked understanding of English and could not be reasoned with.
"These people are not like the rest of us," Pope told the MP's. "They simply do not understand. You can talk to them till you're blue in the face but if they can't speak proper English you are wasting your time. Sometimes administering a gentle beating is the best way of teaching them about the rules and customs of this country. It is for there own good."
Pope provided a series of examples where 'physical correction' of foreigners was appropriate. These included inculcation of NZ's road code, teaching them that New Zealand and Australia were separate countries and discouraging them from speaking loudly in a North American accents. Sometimes a beating, administered in a caring fashion, could prevent much unpleasantness and embarrassment at a later date.
"For instance, New Zealanders all know that you do not laugh at powhiri. Foreigners do not understand this so they need to be quickly educated in a controlled environment. At the front desk of the Sea's Sigh I routinely greet visitors with a pukana, poking out my tongue and rolling my eyes. If they laugh I immediately slap them around the ears. It usually only requires one mild beating to prepare them for any official NZ gathering."
Pope said that tourists often brought their own cultural ways to New Zealand and needed to be quickly educated that these were inappropriate in New Zealand.
"Just the other day I had a Korean couple in my Motel trying to haggle for a lower unit price. Try as I might I couldn't get them to understand that we do not barter over prices in this country. Finally in exasperation, I delivered a few judicious swipes to the head of the Asian gentleman and removed the corrrect amount from his wallet. From then on he and his wife behaved perfectly, hurriedly bowing their heads whenever they saw me approach."

Meanwhile a satirical leaflet distributed in the Moenui christian community by 'Family Integrity' is being lauded as 'the funniest thing since the parrot sketch' by the NZ Satirist League. In the leaflet Parents are told that smacking can be a "10-15 minute process" and that if a child reacts angrily by slamming doors or "pouting" they should be smacked again.
"Smacking is meant to drive out foolishness, the sinful manifestations, out of a child's personality so that they do not become permanent fixtures," it says.
A summary of the hysterically funny leaflet is below.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


A teenager who was reported missing three weeks ago was yesterday discovered listening to her ipod while watching television in her parents' lounge. The parents who say they never thought to check the couch, are delighted to have found the girl again but are disappointed that she refuses to speak to them.
"It was just by chance that we found her, " said a delighted Hilda Lewis. "My husband sent her a text telling her the good news that we are now eligible for family support and we suddenly heard a voice from the couch saying ' So? That still doesn't change the fact I'm not talking to you."
In an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald fourteen year old Melodie-Ann Lewis who is Chair of the Moenui Area School Student Council said that she had got off the couch to go to the fridge and to the bathroom but had "Pretty much spent the entire school holidays on the couch having a really stink time."
"Ever since the olds decided to completely ruin my entire life by stopping me from going and staying at my boyfriend's for the holidays I've been just hanging out like some sort of social retard," said Ms Lewis.
"Like I told them I was never going to talk to them again so I don't know what their problem is, in fact I wouldn't mind if I never clapped eyes on the pair of them again."
Melodie-Ann said she had left a note on the fridge a week ago saying she thought there was something living in the yoghurt and that 'THE FREAKIN INTERNET IS DOWN!' but had ignored all other attempts by her family to contact her.
Ms Lewis said she would like the Herald to mention that she "hates listening to nailpolish people who rattle on about bra sizes, celebrities and Bebo or people who think Jesse Mccartney is hot, love the colour pink and go around calling random people hunnie. It's just wrong man," she said. She also asked the Herald to "do a big shoutout to Mike 'Eminem' Moore."
When asked for a comment, Melodie-Ann's father Louis Lewis said that his English parents had survived the blitz so he figured he and his wife would get through their daughter's adolescence. "I'm not saying we'll come through unscathed though,"he said.

Monday, July 17, 2006


A Moenui cat named Oscar received an Excellent in NCEA level two Mathematics even though he had clearly not achieved to that level in the national qualification. The marking scandal emerged after Moenui Area School's Head of Maths Rory Barrett boasted to the Herald that "..if I wanted to I could get my cat through just about any internal standard of NCEA."
Upon further investigation the Herald found that the teacher's cat Oscar Barrett had been entered in the NCEA and had been awarded the excellent grade as well as "achieved" grades in physical education and Drama but that the pet's mathematics performance in tests and assignments was not up to standard.

When the Herald confronted Barrett with its findings the teacher reluctantly admitted that he had marked some of the cat's answers as correct when they clearly had been incorrect.
"Oscar's a heck of a nice cat," said the embarrassed Barrett. "After the tests he would look at me with such a plaintive expression that I had to ask myself 'am I going to ruin this tabby's career over a few stupid questions?' I couldn't do it so I asked him some other stuff he seemed to understand perfectly. I then adjusted his grade accordingly."
A re-marking of Oscar's work by NZQA moderators showed that the cat had not achieved beyond level one standard in algebra and geometry.
Meanwhile, investigations into Oscar's marks in Physical Education and Drama showed them to be entirely in order. His physical education teacher described the cat as being "an exceptionally talented gymnast and all-round athlete whose lack of theoretical knowledge prevented him from achieving an excellent."
Drama teacher Liz Bannoush described Oscar as a "method" actor at heart with "an extraordinary ability to physicalise emotion. "His Tennesee Williams presentation was without peer," said Bannoush. "Ï've never seen a student display such a deep understanding of the central themes in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
The marking scandal has caused a storm at the school and nationally. National Education spokesperson Bill English said that "the Minister in charge ought to be fed to the dogs."
"This case at Moenui could well be the tip of the iceberg," said Mr English. "I am following up on rumours that a Brookby budgerigar gained an excellent in Japanese and there is strong evidence that a goldfish in the north was awarded a merit grade in Philosophy. The fact that the award was made at a decile one school suggests something fishy."

Previous NCEA story

Friday, July 14, 2006


Moenui Hospital confirmed today that it refused new admissions and cancelled all elective surgery appointments for three months because of a mistake by a colour blind administrator.
Rather than implementing a "Code Yellow" or situation normal in April "Bluey' Wilson told staff they were on a "Code Red" and staff spent the next three months barring the doors and sending out cancellation letters, believing that the hospital was full.
Hospital CEO Fairlie Crook today apologised to the town saying that no-one realised anything was wrong until one of the cleaners alerted management.
"The last patient had been sent home that morning and senior medical staff and management had broken out the champaigne to celebrate a town in perfect health. There we were joking that our Junior Doctor could take a lunch-break when Maude Akaroa looked up from her mopping and told us in a-none-too subtle fashion that her mother's hip was as painful as ever and half the town had been turned away by hospital security with the advice to wrap up, take two disprin and get medical insurance."
Mr Crook said that an immediate investigation was begun but the source of the problem was only uncovered when "Bluey" Wilson arrived at work saying he thought his wife had red jaundice.
Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, sipping on a hot toddy in the lounge bar of the Masonic Hotel said that modern medicine is a tricky business. "How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?" asked Lush. "Only one, but then you need six administrators to manage the process."

The colour coding system used erroneously by Bluey Wilson


The Conservation Department today announced an early end to the open season on beneficiaries saying that stocks had been seriously damaged by an unusually
enthusiastic hunt.
Moenui Conservation CEO Tony Swann said that there was a danger that a continuation of the season might have a deleterious effect on the long-term sustainability of the time honoured sport.
Swann said that a particularly enthusiastic season had resulted in beneficiaries going to ground or even developing hostile behaviours. "Unfortunately a minority of people have been taking more than their share of shots and spoiled the fun for the rest of us. There have also been reports of widespread bagging of undersized beneficiaries."
He said that the decision to close the season had been made reluctantly.
"Beneficiary bashing is a great Kiwi tradition going back well over a hundred years. Hard working kiwi families have always enjoyed firing the odd salvo at beneficiaries particularly when they have appeared in clusters."
Mr Swann said that he too had fond childhood memories of the sport.
"I remember as just a wee chap getting up early of a misty winter's morning with my Dad and big brother and throwing rocks onto the tin roofs of local dole-bludgers. There was nothing to match the thrill of following up with a volley of self-righteous abuse when the buggers came out half-dressed and bleary eyed looking to see who'd woken them up."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


A new report shows that the number of children living in poverty is growing and that its all their own fault. The report, entitled 'The Deserving Poor' shows that "the percentage of children living in hardship has gone from 18 to 26 percent, but 90 percent of it can be put down to the children's own behaviour."
The author of the report Marcel Lauziere told the Kiwi Herald that a surprisingly high percentage of children from Moenui's poorer homes had ambitions beyond the means of their parents, failed to offer their parents budgeting advice or "insist that their parents get off the benefit and get themselves a job that will qualify them for 'working for families."
As a result these children typically live in homes where there is
no telephone, no washing machine, less than required fresh fruit and veges and no heating in main rooms.
"What was really disappointing to surveyors was the inability of children to either embrace poverty as a great builder of character or to change the behaviour of parents who failed to provide," said Lauziere. "One has to wonder, given the emergence of trans-generational poverty, whether it is genetically transmitted. This is an area we intend to research."

Over and over again child respondents struggled to comprehend that they were part of the problem.
Jamie a 7 year old who lives in such a household told surveyors: "We used to have a phone but it got cut off 'cause my Mum didn't pay the bill. She said she didn't have enough money but maybe she might of spent it all on smokes and Lotto. She might smoke as a secret when I'm in bed. I'm going to tell Mr Prasad at the dairy not to let her. Then she could buy me a playstation2"
Tame who is nine said: "Sometimes I ask for McDonald's when we are in town. My Mum says its not good for me but she might be wrong. Sarah Ulmer likes McDonald's."
Twelve year old Lauren was one of the exceptions. She said that she used to be part of the reason for her family's problems but had changed her ways.
"I used to want all the stuff like other kids had, but now I don't care. Now I know that things don't make you happy unless your parents have got the money to pay for them. Now I don't ask for new clothes. Mum says second-hand clothes are kind-of retro so it is OK. I tell her that if she believes that crap then no wonder she can't see that her boyfriend's a loser. She's so thick. She bought a car on HP and then she couldn't pay for it and they took it back and then we had to give back the washing machine and the DVD player."
Lauren says that she is going to leave home as soon as she is able. She wants to break the cycle of poverty.
"My ambition is to be rich. I want to be a fashion model or a designer or a hip-hop dancer. I reckon in this county if you work hard and have a dream you can do it eh?"

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


Moenui film maker Geoff Jackson today announced that he will direct a new movie on the life of Mother Teresa starring Christine Rankin in the title role. The film which is described as a heart-warming musical will be shot in South Auckland and is described as 'Once Were Warriors' meets 'The Sound of Music.'
"In the movie the story of Mother Teresa will be transposed from the dark streets of Calcutta to the violent, welfare-soaked underbelly of South Auckland," said Jackson. "In it we will see a woman with a saint-like empathy for the poor selfessly eschewing publicity and luxury in her actions on the behalf of the little children."
Jackson described how he settled upon Rankin as his lead when he saw her on Dancing With the Stars.
"Christine was brilliant. For the sake of the children (her charity) she put her body through excruciating routines wearing only a few slips of cloth and earings. She was steamily sensual but always focused on the highest goal."
Christine Rankin in the lead role

Monday, July 10, 2006


Teresa Gattung's $2.4 million loss, following the collapse of the Telecom share price could result in her enjoying an all-expenses holiday in Moenui.
Local resident Dot Cossey has invited the Telecom CEO to Moenui to "pack up her troubles in her old kit bag and come and put her feet up in Moenui."
Mrs Cossey who is the owner of "Dots Crafts and Preserves" said she could empathise with Ms Gattung $2.4 million loss.
"I myself mislaid a tenner just the other day. I had put it aside to buy a nice treat for when me and Bill watched The Great New Zealand Spelling Bea on Sunday and then I couldn't find it anywhere. I must say it made me go all funny inside just thinking about where it could have gone."
Mrs Cossey said she has followed Ms Gattung's career since Teresa was "a mere slip of a girl."
"She presents herself so well and is always so friendly and polite. Her Mum and Dad must be really proud of her."
As a business woman herself Mrs Cossey understands the pressures faced by Ms Gattung in keeping customers and shareholders happy in a changing marketplace.
"I know all about that don't you worry," she told the Kiwi Herald. "The public wants it's nice jar of tamarillo chutney just as it always has but let me you it's a real struggle for me to beat the prices of some of these Johnny-come Lately's who are hawking their wares at every flea market and school stall. What I want to know is, where were they when tamarillos hadn't even been heard of? None of them were interested when it was plain old tree tomato pickle."
Dot Cossey went on to say that Teresa Gattung would do well away from carping shareholders, the media and that 'grumpy old Dr Cullen.'
"Once she gets here she'll love it. After a couple of days playing scrabble with me and Bill and a few servings of devonshire teas she'll not want to go back to boardroom club sandwiches."
Dot said that Ms Gattung may also get a chance to join Dot in some craft-making.

"Oh yes, I've got several balls of corker coloured wool waiting to be unbundled."

Teresa Gattung helps Rod Deane roll-up some wool at a recent Telecom Board meeting

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Secret documents leaked to the Kiwi Herald reveal that the Labour Party plans to retire from politics. The documents, marked "Do not give to parliamentary messenger," show that the leadership of the party has decided that they "have had a good innings and after ninety years it is probably time to give someone else a turn." The document also states that " frankly the thought of even one more year of having to negotiate with Peter Dunne is beyond contemplation."
Moenui Labour Party President "Bluey" Kirk said he could neither confirm nor deny the content of the document but did say that "the time to pack it in might be at hand."
"I think really that we've pretty much achieved Nirvana through our ninety years of political toil. Who could deny that the workers paradise that Harry Holland envisioned all those years ago is now with us?"
Mr Kirk said there were those within the party who wanted to carry on until 100 years was reached but republican elements had said there was no way they wanted to be receiving a congratulatory letter from the Queen, or worse still "King bloody Charles."

Meanwhile the Herald is following up on a rumour that another NZ parliamentary will soon announce that it is to disband because "We were only kidding."
Return to current lead


When Maori Party co-leader Pita Sharples was named the "Kaumatua of the Nation" in the Sunday Star Times last week a number of Moenui Maori expressed surprise. "I thought that fella Richard Long was the Kaumatua,"several locals told the Kiwi Herald. "You know the one married to Judy Bailey, the "Mother of the Nation,"
The Sunday Star Times revealed that Dr Sharples is in fact the Kaumatua of the Nation after Sharples visited the house where the Kahui twins are alleged to have died. Sharples was ignored by the residents of the house and asked to leave.
Moenui resident Ani Tupaea said that she understood how the embarrassing mistake was made. "Personally if he had turned up in my lounge uninvited I wouldn't have known he was the main man either. I reckon I would of thought he was just some old guy with a bad haircut."
Meanwhile the Christian Weekly Chronicle is expected to announce this week that it has irrefutable evidence that Brian Tamaki is the "Maori Messiah," and Cosmopolitan magazine will run a semi-nude photo feature on John Tamihere. The Article entitled "Tamihere: The full Monty," is expected to create a flurry of interest. Editor of the Cosmopolitan Mia Freedman
said the concept of the article came from a feature of the same name in Investigate.
"Like that article I expect this one to raise temperatures. We know there will be alot of interest. After all, if the kaumatua-fantasy of white males is Pita Sharples, John Tamihere is every red-blooded front-bums bit of chocolate rough."

Dr Sharples speaking to the press after his true identity was revealed

Friday, July 07, 2006


Moenui, the little town which holds the "Best Kept Grass Verge Award" yesterday adopted a policy of "zero tolerance." Announcing the bold step yesterday Mayor Richard Hubbard said the time had come to make a stand, "and by golly we in Moenui are siezing that time."
Speaking to a cheering crowd outside the Council offices, and flanked by the local Constable and the Chair of the Country Women's Institute, Mr Hubbard orated, "We have put up with too much for too long. We have given an inch and been taken for a mile. Now let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that a torch has been lit, a burning beacon of absolute intolerance."
The mayor explained that in future no-one in the town should feel the need to suppress feelings of distaste at the behaviour and beliefs of others. "If you don't like it, don't tolerate it. Not even one percent. Those things which we find anathema must not be countenanced."
After the Mayor's speech excited supporters marched up the main street chanting, "Zero zero, Richard is our hero," until they were dispersed by the police baton charge.
Meanwhile Hubbard's expected opponent in next years Council elections Marjorie 'Kiwi' Banks said the zero tolerance stand was 'playing with numbers' and promoting a 'nothing concept.'
"Be assured that when I am elected I will come down on these people much harder than the current Mayor," said Mrs Banks.
Local commentator Frank Lush said that the thought of the 160kg Mrs Banks coming down on anyone was truly frightening. Asked how he thought the "Zero Tolerance" policy would succeed, Lush said that he did not think locals would put up with it for long.

Thursday, July 06, 2006


The number of registered unemployed people living in Moenui fell to an all-time low yesterday. The incident occured when local unemployed man Rob Willing fell from his bicycle and had to be shifted on to a sickness benefit. Mr Willing, speaking from the Moenui Hospital where his condition is described as being "another burden on the health system," said he had been knocked from his bicycle by a group of age-beneficiaries.
" It was a bloody cluster of them acting like they owned the main street. They were rushing to get on to the pokies at the Masonic Hotel and just bowled me like I was Bangladeshi tail-ender. No 'beg your pardon's or 'Oh dear I'm sorry I've just taken out your leg-stump' they just charged on with their eftpos cards raised high. "
Mr Willing, who lives alone and has been on the unemployment benefit for 27 years, describes himself as an unemployed writer seeking a publisher for his biography entitled "A Little Bit of Hard Work Never Did Me Any Harm!"
Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Pokies Room at the Masonic Hotel, said that the record low for unemployment was great news for the town.
"The more sick people we can get in this town the longer those buggers in Wellington will continue to fund our local hospital," he said.
Mr Lush said he had visited Rob Willing in hospital and had suggested that the well known loner join a club.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Moenui teenager Mike ‘Eminem’ Moore today slammed NCEA claiming that when the new qualification was introduced he lost the will to learn. “Yeah Nah,” said ‘Eminem’ “As soon as they brought in that NCEA I just was prepared to be really average.”

Mike’s mother Eva agreed. “Michael was always such an inquisitive kid, always asking
why and how come,
but since NCEA came on the scene he never asks any questions
‘Why do I have to go to that suck-ass school.”
She said that she worried that he unquestioningly adopted the fashions of hip-hop
culture and rap music. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him ask anything about the
historical and socio-cultural significance of hip-hop.”
Moore's girlfriend, 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis was asked by the Herald whether
she had ever heard ‘Eminem’
wonder aloud, “What effect is the appropriation and
exploitation of hip-hop forms by the media and the music industry having on the
ideological discource in authentic hip-hop milieaux?” After a short silence
Ms Lewis said she had not.
Melodie-Ann, who chairs the Moenui Area School Student Council, said that she
knew ‘heaps’ of students who had been ‘robbed of their youth’ and their will to
‘achieve greatness’ by NCEA. “I know lots of excellent kids who have just got really
mediocre. Like it’s school holidays now and they’re all just … on holiday,” said
Meanwhile Moenui school Principal Hone Morris said that NCEA needed a major
“From where I
stand, which is currently overlooking the magnificent Mt Hutt ski-field,
NCEA stops high achievers wanting to achieve. The only reason we know they
are high achievers is because they sometimes tell us they are or they are from
Asian backgrounds.”
Mr Morris went on to say that design flaws in the NCEA meant that students lost
their natural inclination to “attempt to answer really difficult questions rather than the
easy ones and study really hard subjects like bio-chemistry and Russian.”

The Principal said however that, "there is evidence that the 80-credit requirement encourages a minimalist approach by students which tends to work very well with some of the schools design students.”
Meanwhile local Commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said that reports that students found the NCEA “illogical and unfair” suggested the authorities had finally come up with a qualification system that mirrors life.

Mike 'Eminem' Moore talking to the Herald

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


In an announcement that has stunned the community, the Moenui Domain groundsman Rob Fisher yesterday released a $320 million plan to transform the town reserve into a world class sports facility. The announcement, which was made from the Fisher’s ride-on tractor, brought gasps of excitement and then applause from an invited audience.

Original plans for a domain upgrade had been costed at around $3200 but Fisher said that the time was ripe to make a bold investment in the future.

“Sure we are a town of only 475 people, but what a special town and what special people we are. This is a one-off opportunity to create a legacy for future generations. Our children deserve the best rugby and cricket facility that money can buy, one that is truly world class.”

The upgraded Domain will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said.

The long-time groundsman believes that Government and corporates will come in behind the plan when they realise that the facility will be available as a back-up ground for Rugby World Cup Games in 2011. “It’s a new concept at the top level but back-up grounds are common at lower grades,” said Fisher. “Just listen to the cancellations on radio on a Saturday morning. They are always re-scheduling games to other grounds. Imagine being able to shift a test-match from Jade Stadium when they have a pea-souper, or when Auckland has another week of torrential rain. Here in the winterless north there’ll be corker weather guaranteed.”

Locals were quick to support the plan. 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis said she couldn’t wait for the World Cup to come to Moenui and she and a group of mates had already started working on a cheer-leader routine. “I know it’s not definite yet but this could be our big chance,” she said. Her boyfriend Mike “eminem” Moore thought it was a ‘choice idea.’
“I reckon this could put Moenui on the map. I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it.”

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

Monday, July 03, 2006



Moenui TV today announced that New Zealand on Air will fund a ground breaking TV series in which “complete basket cases” compete to be adopted by celebrities.

The series called “Extreme No Hoper” is modelled upon “The Dragons Den” but has a major difference. Instead of the rich and successful being targeted for support by would-be business tycoons, the competitors are “utter no hopers” who want the celebrities to legally adopt them. Celebrities who have already agreed to consider the pleas include Suzanne Paul, John Tamihere, Christine Rankin, Bob Jones, Muriel Newman and Don Brash.

The show’s producer Judy Christie said that John Tamihere inspired the idea for the show when he offered to control the income of Maori beneficiaries.

“I thought ‘Gee that is so selfless and kind of John to make that offer' and then the idea for the show just hit me. I realised that rich and successful people are always telling the dregs of society how to manage their lives, but the fact is that people who have crap lives don’t know how to take that advice. They are either too stupid or addled by P or booze or just too damned lazy to fix up their pathetic existences. Then I figured that if I could just get some poor unfortunates into a studio where they could meet these wonderful celebrities in person we would have a really great programme.”

Christie said that the format involved the poor people "describing their truly dire existences to the panel of beautiful people who would decide which of them deserved to be saved."

Christie said that her research found that there were “heaps of poor people just dying to meet celebrities and what’s more they would just love to have their lives managed by them.”

Now she has a long list of contestants who can’t wait to be part of a show where they plead to be “adopted” by the panellists.

The first show will include the following contestants:

Mele is a 36 year old night cleaner and mother of four. Mele sends money home to parents in Tokelau and is married to a diabetic who receives a sickness benefit. “I would so like to be adopted by Christine. She used to be the boss of Winz- she is so caring and kind. She danced so well in ‘Dancing for the Stars.’ I love to dance too. Sometimes I listen to the headphones at 3 in the morning and dance with the vacuum….”

Chrissie is a ten year old autistic girl. Her 26 year old solo mother (who is addicted to anti-depressants and does not wish to be named) says that she is “tired to the point of dying.”

“I’m desperate for someone else to take responsibility and the show seems a good opportunity.” She thinks Don Brash may be her hope. “I’ve played videos of Dr. Brash’s last Orewa speech to Chrissie and for once she has stopped and stood still and watched, singing gently to herself. I think she likes his gentlemanly manner. I know Dr Brash is a big supporter of adoption for children of solo Mum’s. I’m hoping his heart will go out to Chrissie.”

Jake, a 13 year old who has been ‘suspended indefinitely’ from three schools and lived in foster-care, is back home with his alcoholic mother. He would like to live with Mr Tamihere. “He looks like an OK guy even though he does try to act like a hard-ass. I’d want my mum to come too though. Sure she’s a derelict but she can’t help it.”

Dorothy is a 68 year old with early signs of dementia. She lives alone in a one bedroom flat, though she sometimes sleeps in the park nearby which is a favourite of people from the local half-way house. She has no children and since her husband died three years ago has felt increasingly frightened and alone. She dreads going in to care. “I would be so grateful if one of those lovely people would make me their friend” says Dorothy.

Rob is 55 and a sickness beneficiary. He says he was shifted on to that benefit because he is unemployable. “I can’t help myself,” says Rob. “ I have this pathological tendency to ask for more pay and tell bosses to fuck off. I can’t wait to get on the show.”

The show will begin once “The Great New Zealand Spelling Bee” series is complete.

Sunday, July 02, 2006


A group of really important brown people have volunteered to manage the affairs of poor brown people in a move that has been hailed as “jolly good” and “about time” by some really important white people. The group, headed by a former MP has suggested that the welfare benefits of poor people be paid directly to their organisation because “Dem po’ brown folks ain’t got no idea what to do wid dem dollars.”

Speaking to an adoring media including Moenui’s Kiwi Herald the former MP said that people who wore expensive suits were better suited to manage money.

“We didn’ get to wear great threads, flash the bling and walk the halls o’ the big house by accident,” he said. “On the other han’ them po’ brown folks jus spen’ they money on corn whiskey an’ playin’ the numbers.”

Some Moenui beneficiaries expressed relief that at last some rich folks were ready to take over their responsibilities.

“Shucks Boss,” one anonymous person told the Herald, “We jus’ can’t wait for someone else to count dem coins. They far too many dollars fo’ us to handle. We jus’ too feckless and can't help but watch “Once Were Warriors” over an' over again."