Tuesday, May 29, 2007


A revamp of the NCEA exam system was welcomed by Moenui Principal Hone Morris yesterday as 'meritorious and approaching excellent but failing to achieve some things.' Speaking exclusively to the Kiwi Herald after all other news outlets refused to take his call, Mr Morris commented that the new gradings gave schools a greater range of awards to make but more options needed to be added.

"The awarding of merits and excellents is grand for a few brain-boxes but there still need to be more options for your ordinary overgrown, slightly out-of control, garden-variety teens. As it stands most kids can only aspire to a 'not achieved' or an 'achieved.' What kind of choice is that? How can you possibly hope to motivate kids with bland and blander."

Mr Morris went on to list what he described as 'a range of nuanced awards for the average and very average students.' These awards would include average, distinctly average, all right, fair, fairish, moderate, passable and tolerable. For students who did not fare so well Mr Morris suggested replacing not achieved with "some awards that spell out just how badly they failed." These included abysmal, completely worthless, naff, complete and utter failure and loser.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


BREAKING NEWS: In a shock move Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard was today granted bail by the High Court. Many Aucklanders did not know their Mayor was in jail and even greater number of those interviewed by the Kiwi Herald wished him well in his new role as Mayor of Te Kauwhata.


A new report by Massey University researchers has found strong evidence that 80,000 people who died in Hiroshima on August 6 1945 may have perished as a consequence of an atomic explosion. A further 60,000 who died in subsequent months could also have been affected by the explosion.
The revelation comes as part of a report which has suggested that New Zealand seamen irradiated during hydrogen bomb tests in the Pacific in 1957 experienced genetic damage as a consequence.

Veterans Affairs Minister Rick Barker said the Government was open to new information and analysis which gave insight into the health effects of exposure to nuclear tests. "The report is very interesting and we will certainly look into it," said the Minister. "Mind you, Homer Simpson has been exposed to massive radiation doses at times and he seems to enjoy life and well frankly the Nips have a long record of trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Not that they have me fooled one bit with their claims to scientific whaling. Nor, by the way do I believe Kiesha Castle-Hughes really rode that whale."

Monday, May 14, 2007


Police Commissioner Howard Broad expects his fate to be decided "in the court of public opinion" after revelations that a video featuring him 'in acts of love' with a Shetland pony was shown at a Cabinet meeting.

Mr Broad hopes the incident, revealed in Investigate Magazine, will dispel any impression that he is "holier than thou" as he works on introducing a code of conduct for Police recommended by Dame Margaret Bazley .

"If I'm not the right person to do this then others will point that out to me," he said.

Mr Broad's comments came during an interview with the Herald last night in which he denied Investigate claims that he had groped a young policewoman and shot the entire Bain family, but admitted his part in the video saying that he had 'lived a life and this part is included in it.'

"Sure I could have insisted to my pony friend Krystal that the camera be turned off. I could have stood on my high horse but it wasn't that sort of relationship," a clearly aroused Mr Broad told the Herald.

On whether he thought he was still the right person for the job as Police Commissioner, he replied that the average Kiwi could be assured that he had no sexual interest in them. "Birds have never been my thing," he said. "Whats more I think ordinary folk will read about this and know I am one of them. They won't try and point the finger at me and say that I'm on a soap box or in a holier-than-thou position. I think they are going to see me as a real human being, an ordinary New Zealander with a deep love of animals."

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition today announced the formation of a Government of National Unity after earlier coming to an agreement over the controversial Child Discipline Bill.
In a move that has stunned political analysts Helen Clarke announced that National and Labour will continue to work together to "advance the interests of good parents and good children everywhere -and all the other good people too."
A beaming Mr Key told reporters: "It seems so right that we should continue our new found common-cause this way."
Describing the moment when the leaders agreed to form the new Government Mr Key said that "after we had agreed on the smacking bill we went to shake hands and for a wonderful moment our eyes met. It was as though we both knew, at that instant, that our differences didn't matter anymore. In a sudden outpouring of emotion I began to say to Helen that we should unite as one, but she interrupted me and said 'John, I know. For the peoples sake let us now walk side-by-side.'

In the new spirit of co-operation Miss Clark and John Key will chair Cabinet "week and week about" while Michael Cullen and Bill English have already found a "lovely little bachelor pad to share."
Meanwhile Catherine Rich has apparently promised to give Sue Bradford some make-up tips before the two celebrate by 'hitting the dress stores.'

Taking their lead from the Child Correction amendment both major parties have agreed to withdraw the whip except in inconsequential cases such as "when Steve Maharey says a rude word or Brian Connel is a little bit naughty." Miss Clark hastily added that they would "just receive a light tap, and quite an inconsequential one at that," while Mr Key said the whip would be applied lovingly.