CHURCH SERVICE ENDS ON SOUR NOTE

A major fracas between worshippers forced an early end to Sunday prayer at the Moenui Baptist Church today. The normally friendly atmosphere was disrupted when Matiu Wilson, who leads the congregation in song, broke his guitar over the head of Jonathon Burdes telling the dazed devotee that if he continued to clap out of time he would be assisted to "take a closer walk with Jesus."
A number of other members of the congregation then joined in the spat after Wilson was felled by a shower of copies of the New Testament. Order was only restored when Pastor Michael Tartuffe set off the fire alarm.
The Kiwi Herald undersatnds that Mr Burdes' lack of rhythm and his enthusiastic calls of "Hellelujah Jesus" and "Lord I'm a comin" during hymns have been the source of on-going irritation to Mr Wilson who also plays in the local big band "Matiu and the Minders".

GOD FAILS TO SHOW AT CRUISE WEDDING

VATICAN CITY - God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he did not attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he feared his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many God watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women and movie stars outside the church.

God's statement insists, however, that his absence was motivated simply by a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, God's decision should not be interpreted as payback for Mr. Cruise' snub of God's mother, Oprah Winfrey, who was not invited to the wedding.

"Nevertheless," Vatican insiders whisper "there was no way the big guy was going after he heard L. Ron Hubbard's seat at the wedding table was closer to the groom's than his."

In other reports from the wedding guests were "strongly advised" to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to give themselves time to freshen up after being strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were be confiscated, and guests' hands stamped with an image of a L. Ron Hubbard.
Guests who left the reception hall, were not readmitted.

By Chip Hilton
Reprinted from The Pugbus http://www.pugbus.net/

"HELL" LAUNCHES NEW 'ABSTINENCE' PIZZA

Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism.
In announcing the new 'Abstinence' Pizza, Hell Pizzas Director Warren Powell told the Kiwi Herald that the company was anxious to cater for a variety of tastes and the Abstinence pizza was the first of a series of innovations targeted at 'the more virtuous and abstemious' consumer.
The new pizza designed with the help of Catholic Bishop Dennis Brown would consist of an ultra thin base of unlevened communion bread, no anchovies, no capers and no cheese.
"Indeed," said Mr Powell "the pizza will be completely naked (if you will excuse the expression) but it will come with a free bottle of holy water and a brisk walking programme."
Mr Powell said that the company was confident the new product would 'take off' saying that a number of similar pizzas would follow which he referred to as the 'Heavenly Virtues range.'
The range would include 'Patience' - "for customers who are prepared to wait a very long time for their order" and 'Humility'- "for consumers who won't complain whatever is served up to them."

GOD COMES TO DEFENCE OF POPE

God broke a two thousand year public silence today saying that "the little German guy should not be blamed" and that "it was me God who messed up with the Muslim-quote-thing big time."
The creator of all things spoke out when the Pope was embroiled in a stand-off with the Muslim world for quoting from a 14th century text that described Mohammed as having brought only evil and inhumanity.

"Everyone knows that the Pope is infallible and has been since 1870 when the church announced it's Papal Infallibility doctrine. No it was me bugger it, the Little Guy was seeking a few good quotes from me for his speech at the same time I was dealing with Pat Robertson and a whole heap of Southern Baptists. Pat loves a bit of fire and brimstone; a bit of 'stick it up the Muslims' and I got my messages muddled. I take full responsibility but I tell you- being God to all humanity can get really complicated. It used to be a hell of a lot easier."

IRANIAN LEADER CALLS NZ MP "GOOD JOKER"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today described National MP Bob Clarkson as a 'really good joker' and 'a laugh a minute.'
Responding to the Tauranga MP's comments that 'Islam religion-type people' who wore burqas 'could be crooks hiding guns and should go back to Islam or Iraq,' the President said that he had a good giggle when he read the comment and he was sure members of Islamic Jihad had also.
"No one could possibly believe that anyone with half a brain could make such comments except as a joke," said the President, "and quite clearly the New Zealand people would not elect a - how you say - a half-wit to represent them. Personally I haven't laughed so much since MP Bob told the one about impaling his left testicle on the barbed-wire fence."

The 'take me as you find me' Mr Clarkson made the statements to the Dominion Post and then eleborated on them when he hosted the 'Good Jokers Unite Night' in Upper Hutt a few days later. Before an adoring and jolly crowd of 'jokers' and 'the odd shiela,' Clarkson said that when he sees women in burqas walking down the street he wonders whether there could be a terrorist gang or a whole family of illegal immigrants hiding under the garment.
"Clearly allowing these so-called women to wear these tents is dangerous," said Clarkson, "Besides it's not the Kiwi way is it? Who ever heard of 'Burqas on Bikes?"
To a rising tide of laughter, applause and shouts of "Give it to 'em Bob," Clarkson turned his attention to the Government MPs, describing them as "liars, cheats and bloody crooks." He hastily withdrew a further comment that they were, "bum bandits, cross-dressers and assassins of businessmen," saying the terms had "slipped in there accidentally while I was in full voice."

Responding to a question from the floor about gay rights Clarkson said, "I've got nothing against homosexuals and lebanese as long as they're doing it in their own house. I'm with the Israelis on this one. Once they start to try and spread their preferences into other countries and kidnap normal heterosexual soldiers the Jews have to make a stand."
"Let me tell you if those homos try to ram it down my throat, look out," he said to shouts of "Bloody oath."
Mr Clarkson later refused to elaborate on what he meant by the statement telling the Kiwi Herald reporter to "keep it decent."

Meanwhile, Chris Finlayson, National's only gay MP, said he agreed with everything Clarkson had said and would be staying home in future.

"PRIEST ALERT" BRINGS ANGRY OUTBURST

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai is defending a pamphlet he has distributed to locals, alerting them of a newcomer to the town. The pamphlet advises residents that the recently arrived Seamus O’Connor is a retired catholic priest.

Local opposition MP Dot Blackforth has labelled the action "a disgraceful breach of civil rights and an attack on privacy" but Tawhai is adamant that local residents have a right to know who is living amongst them. “It is all part of keeping ourselves and our children safe,” Tawhai told “The Herald."