Friday, June 30, 2006


Moenui Police were this morning interviewing a suspected paedophile in a Subway outlet in nearby Kainui. The choice of the unusual venue followed a statement from the lawyer of Chris Kahui whose twin children were killed last week. The lawyer said in her statement that her client would only talk with police at MacDonalds.

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai said conducting interviews in a fast food outlet was unusual but was part of an ongoing experiment by police to interview people in more "conducive environments."

"Alot of people find police stations quite intimidating. They find it difficult to loosen up with the sound of cell doors clanging and officers practicing taser technique. So when I read Lorraine Smith's comment something clicked. It's obvious really. There's no better place to have a good old chin-wag than over a good feed in pleasant surroundings."

Though Constable Tawhai was unable to tell the Herald details of his interview at this stage he was able to say that he had enjoyed a Spicy Italian Melt while the suspect had eaten two Kiddie Meals saving the roll-ups for later.

"Obviously," said Tawhai "a fast-food outlet does not suit everybody. I'm meeting with a pensioner later who is helping with our enquiries on another matter. We'll probably have a nice pot of tea and a lamington at the Mitre 10 tearooms."

The Constable said he was still continuing with plans to employ media interviewers to help solve crime, an idea he had earlier in the week when Susan Wood entered a South Auckland police station to interview Macsyn King, mother of the Kahui twins. This week Jason Gunn and Candy Lane will be in town to ask the questions. The event is being promoted as “Grassing to the Stars.”

Constable Tawhai is considering combining the two concepts in an attempt to solve white collar crime. “I’ll need to find a place that serves good coffee and is a bit classy. I’m negotiating to bring in Ric Salizzo to ask the questions and I’ll advertise it as “Rorts CafĂ©.”

A kids Pak similar to that eaten by the suspect
Original story:


“Give me my life back.” With these words local resident John Riley appealed to Moenui today in a statement that brought an outpouring of sympathy from the public. Riley who has no recollection of when and where his life went missing says that his wife’s pleas for him to “get a life” have finally prompted him to seek help from the community.
”Every time I hear that someone is leading the life of Riley I go through a period of anxiety and grieving. To think that someone else is out there, living my life and apparently having such a good time is just so heart-breaking. To reflect that it could be me that’s living the high life. I could really go for a slap up meal a fast car and a fast woman right now.”
Riley quickly withdrew the comment about the fast woman, saying that his wife was a wonderful person. He then rushed home to watch Oprah.

John Riley in happier times

Thursday, June 29, 2006



Several people suffered injuries today when Moenui residents responded to a call to get behind the police in their campaign to reduce domestic violence. In what Constable Fred Tawhai described as an “unseemly scramble to be the first in the queue,” 15 people were injured, one of them seriously.

Constable Tawhai said he was initially heartened by the public response but "things soon turned to custard as several people were knocked to the ground and trampled underfoot."

Local commentator Frank Lush who observed the incident from the Garden Bar of the Masonic Hotel said he hadn't seen a stampede like it since local lottery winner Jimmy Wallace announced he was paying for the drinks.

Moenui Hospital treated and released all but two of the victims. One of these had suffered serious head injuries while another simply refused to leave saying "I'm not going home to that bastard."


Moenui Minister John Paul is recovering well in hospital after being injured during his Sunday sermon. Worshippers report that after reading the text "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," Father Paul was struck by a brick.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Scores of people today volunteered information about the death of the Kahui twins and a number of other unsolved crimes, following Susan Wood's interview of the twins' mother at a South Auckland police station last night.
The interview of Macsyn King in the waiting room of a police station obviously struck a chord with many people who turned up at the police stations throughout the country offering to talk to Susan Wood and in some cases Mark Sainsbury.
In Moenui, Constable Frank Tawhai was astonished by the turn-out.
"We had people here from first light asking to talk to Susan. Some had been following the Kahui Twins' case and reckoned they'd worked out who was responsible from the photos of the tangi and comments from Pita Sharples. There were also a number of women who said they had information they would share with John Campbell if we could get him in and and we even had a young guy prepared to spill the beans to Eva the Bulgarian."

Constable Tawhai said the willingness of people to talk with media interviewers was understandable and challenged police to change their practice.
"I watched Susan talking to the twins' mum last night and thought she was just brilliant. You could see she was drawing on all her experience of trying to get the truth from Prime Ministers and public officials, the kind of experience that a police investigator can never get. And Susan was human too. Really beautiful but down to earth. I sensed that Macsyn knew she was being spoken to by someone who really cared. A Mum. A woman who understood. You could see in Macsyn's eyes that she felt the empathy flowing out of Susan. She understood that Susan really was saying to her, 'I understand your pain and your dark secret. I have been there. I once shouted at my children when my world spun out of control"

Constable Tawhai says that from next week Moenui Police Station will be setting up a roster of media interviewers to help solve crime. "I figure there are a whole lot of people out there who know a whole lot about unsolved crimes. All they need is a half famous interviewer to tell."
Constable Tawhai is advertising the first day of interviews for next Monday and has already signed up Candy Lane and Jason Gunn to ask the questions. He is promoting the event as "Grassing to the Stars."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


Moenui District Council was today locked in an urgent strategy meeting aimed at limiting damage caused to the town by being named New Zealand's most boring.
The town easily won the title in an on-line poll run by the web-site "Rate my Teacher" which is currently surveying student opinions on a range of topics.
Moenui students described their town as "boring," really boring" and "dead-shit boring" at double the rate of other respondents. One Moenui teen wrote, "I am so bored I want to die. Please shoot me now."
Mayor Richard Hubbard was visibly upset when told the results of the poll. "By golly this has raised my blood pressure," he said. "Publishing this silly poll could damage the morale of the town and the local economy. For goodness sakes. All teenagers are bored. Either bored or overstimulated, and I know which I prefer."

Melodie-Ann Lewis who is chair of the Moenui Area School Student Council was excited by the poll result. "Wicked eh?" she said. "I mean Moenui is really out there now. There are millions of people who are now reading about little old Moenui. Who knows what this could lead to?"

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said that in spite of the excitement the kahawai would continue to run for a few days yet.

Monday, June 26, 2006


Graham Capill has joined the chorus of politicians and celebrities describing child abuse as a Maori problem.

The former Christian Heritage Party leader said, “It is time to end the political correctness that bedevils public life and speak out. Everyone knows that Maori violence against children is endemic and it is rubbish to pretend anything else. So-called Maori leaders need to stand up and deal with the problem.” The statement from Capill, speaking from prison, appears on a video released to the Herald by a member of the Moenui Church of God. The statement also calls on members of the Kahui family to "show some guts," front-up to the police and turn over the person responsible for the death of twins Chris and Cru. “I agree with the Prime Minister that this case is like Once were Warriors” he said. Mr Capill then went on to say that he had not seen the movie and was glad he had not because it was directed by someone who had since shown himself to be “morally suspect.”

Meanwhile the spokesperson for the Kahui family, Ani Hawke says that now that the children’s tangi is over it should not be long before the family comes forward and provides information to the police about who was responsible for the deaths. “As Tangata Whenua we have to observe Maori Tikanga. It was necessary to first deal with the spiritual and observe the tangi of our babies. We also had Matariki, the Maori New Year fall at this time and there may be some further delay because of the traditional fishing calendar requires that nets are repaired and the kumara are readied for the spring planting."

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai has expressed frustration at the failure of family members to come forward and name the person or persons responsible for the death of the twins but says he will achieve a result.

“I must admit that this is turning into a bit of a chess game,” Tawhai told the Herald. “Its slow but I reckon we’ll get there. I’ve been studying the classic Ruy Lopez chess openings and some of Kasparov’s variations and so I'm confident I’ve got their measure.”

Thursday, June 22, 2006


The number of dogs seeking work has risen sharply following the passing of legislation which makes micro-chipping of dogs compulsory except in cases where they are working.

From first light this morning local farmers reported stray dogs turning up to help with mustering and a Moenui woman who is blind told the Herald that she has been overwhelmed by offers of help.

“Everytime I step outside there’s a huntaway bringing me yet another unwanted copy of the Herald or a border-collie trying to drag me off to catch the bus.”

Moenui dairy farmer Ossie MacDonald said that the three extra dogs at milking this morning created chaos. “They were completely untrained for the job. Every time I called ‘get in behind’ there was a scramble between them to be last in the queue behind the herd. As much as I’d like to see every dog that wants to work get a job, I had to see them off the property in the end.”

Meanwhile a number of Moenui residents have expressed outrage at the new law.

“This law is just is just so unfair,” said Melodie-Ann Lewis who chairs the Area School Student Council. “It is just like discrimination against some dogs. I mean my dog (pictured right) is a Chinese Crested and way the coolest, cutest pet I’ve ever had and she just couldn’t go out to work, unless maybe in the fashion industry. But there’s no fashion industry in this stink town. In fact most people here wouldn’t know fashion if it bit them on the bum.”

Local commentator Frank Lush, speaking this morning from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, said that the law-makers had created a legal mine-field.

“I reckon there are more loopholes in this act than you’d find at a tax-lawyers convention. Already I hear that the louts who run the dog-fights down at the car graveyard are applying to register their pit-bulls as working dogs. And I reckon that being best friend to some buggers in this town must be real hard work.”

Meanwhile a number of residents have reported an upsurge of pet dogs bringing their owners slippers and menacing Jehovah’s Witnesses. “I suppose some good has come of the law,” says Lush.

Dogs studying the Work Offered postings on the Moenui community noticeboard this morning.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Exasperated local parents are petitioning parliament for a change to family law that will create a 9 year probationary period in which parents can decide whether or not to keep a new child.

Spokesperson for the parents group Wayne Mapp explained that the law would help parents in a stressful time and build better families. “Having a child is a big step and a lot of parents find that the child they thought was right for them just doesn’t fit in. We want a trial period in which families can decide whether the child is the one for them. As the law stands alot of potential parents back away from taking the plunge because they are afraid the child will be unsuitable.”

Mapp cited examples where new children had been poor sleepers and had been slow to toilet train. He cited cases where children had proven to be disruptive. “All of us have watched TV programmes like Supernanny and Little Angels. Would you want those kids in your family? Sometimes letting a child go is the best for all concerned and a law that says otherwise is just political correctness gone mad.”

Meanwhile, 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis who chairs the Moenui Area School student council, has come out in support Mr Mapp saying she wishes she had been cut adrift from her family while she was young enough to make a fresh start. “Living with my selfish bitch older sister has been hell,” Melodie told the Herald. “If Mappie’s amendment had been law who know’s I could have been going to Auckland’s Junior College instead of this boring stink hole.”

"Some children are unsuited to family life," say petitioners

Monday, June 19, 2006


The "Defining Moments" in our history can now be announced. A reader poll has come up with a list of "events that have defined and shaped us." Below are the great moments Moenui residents rate most highly. They are not listed in any particular order.

1807 First Christian Church Service in the area prompts Maori to begin the Moenui tradition of “bringing a plate.”

1832 Stone Store Built – 150 years on the name inspires the famous “Stoned Store,” a trading depot established by horticulturists near Moenui.

1840 Treaty of Waitangi is Signed. 160 years later a complaint by Moenui hapu to “Fair Go” confirms that they were ripped-off.
Presenter Kevin Milne fails to get any apology from the family of William Hobson.

Kevin Milne

1905 All Blacks Tour. Local rugby player and farmer Dave Gallagher tells his wife he is going fishing, disappears for six months, and returns as Moenui's greatest son shortly after the victorious AllBlacks arrive back in Godzone. Not until 1917, when the death of All Black captain David Gallagher is reported from Flanders, do rumours resurface that Dave "the Dog" Gallagher spent most of 1905 living with a school mistress in the Meka Valley.

1929-35 “The Great Depression.” This is a name given to a body of work by Moenui’s most famous painter Colin Mikaho. The bleak and sentmental works are sometimes called “Col's Blue Period.”

1951 Waterfront Strike name given to the celebrated occasion when Jack Barnes bought the winning Tatts ticket from a bloke on the Moenui jetty.

Excited locals greet Jack as he arrives to make his big "collect" at The Lucky Barber and Tobacconist.

1951 NZ Legislative Council is abolished
prompting days of drunken celebration in Moenui when residents mistakenly think central government has been abandoned.

1956 Peter Jones scores the winning try against the touring Boks. Local hero Jones’ comment, “I’m absolutely buggered,” to a local radio announcer results in him being barred from Moenui Masonic Hotel because of suspicions he is a homosexual.

1963 Introduction of Oral Contraception completely bypasses Moenui

1967 End of Free School Milk. Absenteeism at local schools declines sharply

1975 Treaty of Waitangi Act brings a string of claims for redress. In the most recent case Moenui market gardener Leung “the Lettuce” Lee is awarded several hundred acres of crown land when he convinces the court that ancestor Zheng He landed his junk at Moenui in 1432

1975 Dawn Raids on "Overstayers" draw initial support in Moenui until it is revealed that visiting relatives do not necessarily qualify as overstayers.

1981 Underarm Bowling Incident. Aussie visitor Trev Chappell shocks locals by bowling underarm in the Moenui and District Lawn Bowls Championship. It takes only a few years for local bowlers to abandon the overarm technique and local greens improve markedly.

An Artists impression of Trevor's famous bowl

1984 Nuclear Ships Are Banned from Moenui harbour. Nuclear powered spaceships are specifically excluded from the ban after submissions from the Moenui Astronomical Society.

1985 The Adult Adoption Information Act passed. 13 percent of residents discover they are married to siblings.

1987 Market Crash. A runaway school bus crashes into the Southbank Craft Market destroying years of preserves and some valuable macramé. The local economy takes years to recover.

1997 The Ingham Twins are given“freedom of the township” when they make a surprise visit to Moenui after a Russian cargo ship runs aground on the Moenui Bar.

The Kiwi Herald suggets you check out results of the nation-wide survey:

Sunday, June 18, 2006


Some commentators are questioning claims by President of the Employers and Manufacturers Association, Alasdair Thompson that Moenui businesses lost “around a trillion dollars” during last weeks power outage.

“It simply does not add up,” said local analyst and Masonic Sports Bar regular Frank Lush. “I know for a fact that the Four Square Store does not come within a bull’s roar of a hundred million dollars a week in turnover. I know too that punters at the Masonic went from tapped to bottled beer when the pumps went down so the losses here would not have been great.”

Thompson has countered however that a number of unknowns have not been factored in by his critics. He says that the town’s other business “Dot’s Crafts and Preserves” was also adversely affected when the lights went out. Not only did purchases fall off drastically but Dot has reported the theft of several jars of Tamarillo chutney during the murky five hour period.

“People are also forgetting that the day the power failed was benefit day, but very little of that money made it into the economy. I know for a fact that sales of TV dinners, cigarettes and Lotto tickets dropped because the unemployed stayed home.”

Meanwhile County Mayor Dick Hubbard has continued to say that the blackout has given the town a “third world status.”

“This morning I spoke to rest-home owner Aroha Hohaia and she tells me that two days in a row old Anjit Ghandi has woken thinking he is back in the Punjab.”

Some locals say Bono has been seen talking with the Mayor

Saturday, June 17, 2006


Lisa Lewis' streak during a local rugby match has brought a storm of criticism from local residents including some members of her family and her ex-boyfriend. Lewis who ran 13 naked laps of the Moenui South domain while the players packed a scrum was eventually apprehended and escorted from the pitch by her mother who beat her thighs with an umbrella. Hilda Lewis was heard to say "Bloody typical. Here you are showing your skinny white bum to the whole town and you haven't even got the sausage rolls in the oven for the aftermatch function."

Lisa's father Louis Lewis was clearly embarrassed when speaking at the aftermatch where the sausage rolls were tepid. After thanking the referee for allowing the game to flow Mr Lewis explained his daughters behaviour by saying she had spent some time living in Tauranga recently. "The sooner Winston gets back in control of that place the better," he said.

Meanwhile Lisa's auctioning of the Ug boots she wore during her streak has brought criticism from younger sister Melodie-Ann. "They were my boots which she borrowed and never returned the fat slag," said a clearly disgruntled Ms Lewis. "She looked bloody ridiculous in them too."
A Herald investigation has found that the autographed pink Ug boots were sold for $24.95 to an anonymous dairy-farmer looking for something warm to wear at winter milkings.

In a further sensational development, Lisa Lewis' gilted boyfriend Larry "the Lion" Upton has claimed that the breasts Lisa displayed during her streak may not be her own. "They certainly weren't that big when she was dating me," said Upton who said he had come forward with the information reluctantly. "I don't want to spoil Lisa's moment in the sun but I think the public has a right to know that things are not what they seem."

In a pay-and tell interview with the Herald Lisa explained that she is "really just a shy country girl" and that her streak was one of a list of things she wants to do before she dies. Included in the list are the wish to write a metaphysical novel and the desire to have Rodney Hide's baby.
"He was way cool on Dancing with the Stars. Sexy yet vulnerable."

Lisa Lewis talking to our reporter

Friday, June 16, 2006


A survey of Moenui residents has shown the government is wasting it’s time bringing 18 new free-to air channels on line because 67 percent of households have lost their remote controls. Of these the majority suspect the remote is down the back of the couch while a surprising 12 percent say that it has not been seen since it was thrown at one of the kids.
Most married women agreed with the statement that “It’s a bloody god-send that the remote is lost because my husband drives me mad when he has it.”

Meanwhile, owner of the Masonic Hotel “Dougie” Myers has made an appeal for the return of the remote control for the Sports Bar widescreen TV which went missing during Sunday night’s live “Dancing With The Stars” programme. A scuffle broke out between supporters of Rodney Hide and fans of Beatrice Faumuina when Hide appeared to spear-tackle partner Krystal Stuart. Faumuina supporters came under attack when they set up a chant demanding Hide be “sent-off.”

Hide supporters at the Masonic on Sunday.


Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai is defending a pamphlet he has distributed to locals, alerting them of a newcomer to the town. The pamphlet advises residents that the recently arrived Seamus O’Connor is a retired catholic priest.

Local opposition MP Dot Blackforth has labelled the action "a disgraceful breach of civil rights and an attack on privacy" but Tawhai is adamant that local residents have a right to know who is living amongst them. “It is all part of keeping ourselves and our children safe,” Tawhai told “The Herald."

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


Well known Maori activist Tommy Iti has defended his actions during last year’s infamous powhiri for visiting Waitangi Tribunal members at a local marae. At the powhiri, the 5 foot tall 120 kilo Iti appeared naked except for a sporran and traditional moko.

Today in court Iti made an impassioned speech saying that the charges against him are oppressive and undermined tribal tikanga. He claims that his actions in brandishing a gun and shooting dead three members of the Tribunal were symbolic and represented the anger felt by his people at Crown actions in the 1860’s.

The trial is continuing.

A sporran

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Depressed people beware! Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai has announced a war against you. Speaking exclusively to the "Herald" yesterday Tawhai outlined his campaign. "Depressed people are really terrorists attacking the happy heart of our community. These misery-gutses wander around the town complaining and wanting us to feel sorry for them. They just want to drag us down."
Constable Tawhai, who is also the Captain of the Southbank Premieres Rugby Team said that sympathising with depressed people was a terrible mistake.
"Those of us who work in the shadowy area of public safety know the danger these people pose to decent society. We know that depressed people are waging asymetrical warfare against the values we hold dear in Moenui."

Tawhai says he was prompted to action by the suicide of a youth in police cells on Sunday night. The man, whose name is yet to be released, was being held for questioning.
"This suicide is now the talk of the bloody town," said a clearly annoyed Constable Tawhai.
"It was a cheap publicity stunt by this young trouble-maker and it seems to have worked in some quarters. Well let me tell you that these sorts of attacks on our happy, orderly town will no longer be tolerated. In future anyone showing signs of depression better buck up his or her ideas quick-smart."
Tawhai says that he is instituting a "three strikes and your out"policy. Any depressed people who fail to change their ways after two warnings will be told to leave town.

A terrorist ponders Constable Tawhai's warning

Sunday, June 11, 2006


The Moenui Disabled Fellowship has been spurred to action by negative publicity surrounding double amputee Mark Inglis' decision to leave a near dead English climber to perish on Mt. Everest. The fellowship, which represents a range of disabled people in the town, today announced that from now on it will be known as Disabled Search and Rescue.
Fellowship President Fred Inglis (no relation) said that the step was a way of showing the public that people with disabilities cared about their fellow citizens.
Communicating via computer generated voice software, Inglis commented that "Mark's action in struggling on to the top rather than trying to carry down the dying climber has damaged the image of all disabled people. This is our way of redressing the balance."
"The Disabled Search and Rescue is set to become the emergency service of choice for those in trouble, both on land and within the beautiful Moenui Harbour."
Inglis introduced key members of the rescue team who then gave this reporter a glimpse of their search and rescue skills. Inglis himself showed remarkable speed and dexterity on his electric wheelchair, pointing out that in a future oil shock he would be the envy of other emergency rescue services. Mostly however, team members brought their experience to the tasks ahead.
"Our disabled rescuers will bring a missing dimension to situations where people are in trouble. Many of us became disabled in emergency situations and so we understand the emotional as well as the physical trauma involved. This depth of experience and empathy is a vital, but often overlooked facet of the rescue situation. Imagine being trapped on a mountain with a broken leg. Consider how relieved you would feel being approached by a rescuer who had experienced a similar circumstance and had lost both legs through frost-bite."
Though no-one in the Moenui team has lost legs through frost-bite and though there are no mountains for a thousand miles, the team does include a surf rescue team leader who lost an arm to a shark attack and a fire team leader who experienced serious burns when firing his motel in a bungled attempt to gain an insurance payout.

The Moenui Disabled Search and Rescue will next week simulate a mass rescue of students and teachers when the Southbank Playcentre comes under a simulated terrorist attack. Southbank Gunclub members will play the role of the terrorists. Newly elected Club President Mahmoud Al Zahri told the "Herald" that he and his companions were happy to help.

Gun Club members at a recent trap shoot

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Locals Say "No" to Rich Neighbours

Moenui residents and their MP have spoken out in opposition to plans to build high cost housing in the township. Housing developers yesterday unveiled plans to build two quality homes on the disused refuse station that overlooks the mangrove swamp but locals voiced their opinions at an impromptu gathering yesterday.
At the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel residents cheered on MP John Key when he called the development plan "vandalism."
"This development will create an architectural and aspirational dissonance in our town that could destroy our way of life," said the hugely popular Key. "The special character of our town will be destroyed by these monstrosities with their on-suites, indoor-outdoor flow and Feng Shui."
Locals at the bar echoed the MP's sentiments. Regular visitor to the Masonic Hotel, Frank Lush said that the town's kerbs would not cope with an influx of Rav 4s and Pajeros and he feared a time when Lion Red would be replaced by Stella Artois on tap. He also was worried that house prices might begin to rise in the town. " My rent is high enough as it is," he said.

Mother-of-three KeyLeigh Brown expressed concern about the influence of children from wealthier homes on Moenui youngsters. "I've got nothing against rich kids per se but I would hate to see their ways rubbing off on our own." She was particularly wary of the influence of teenagers from weathy homes. "I've seen them on TV," she said. "I ask you: would you want your kids associating with Paris Hilton?"

Meanwhile opposition housing spokesperson Dot Blackforth decried Key's opinions as "disgraceful."
"There is no reason why wealthy folk should not be able to live in poor areas. Why should they be bundled off to the cultural deserts of Remuera and Fendalton- out of sight and out of mind?"

Moenui residents fear homes for the wealthy will not fit in.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Sedition Man found Guilty

A Moenui jury today found local activist Timothy Marsden guilty of sedition, ending a trial that has gripped this small seaside town.

Marsden who has waged a one man campaign against the compulsory micro-chipping of dogs faces up to two years in prison for distributing two handwritten notes in the Masonic Hotel sports bar. The notes called on other Moenui dog owners to follow his example after he staged a “piss-in” protest outside the Southbank Dog Licensing Authority office.

Local Constable and rugby captain Fred Tawhai said after the verdict that the trial had been a vindication of his strong stand against extremism.

“This is New Zealand after all” said Tawhai as he was carried on the shoulders of cheering supporters from the courtroom. “In our communities there is no place for terror and calls to terror.”

Tawhai gave evidence during the trial that he was called into town from his bicycle training session at Moehau School. Upon arriving at the Dog Licensing Authority Office he detected a strong smell of dog urine and noted several wet patches on the steps and even in the doorway of the office. He then noted Marsden’s truck outside the Hotel with four dogs on the tray. He arrested Marsden as the latter emerged from the Hotel and seized from him a third note and a packet of Tux dog biscuits.

In Court Marsden gave evidence that he had indeed taken his four dogs to the scene of the crime and allowed them to urinate on private property. He then went to the Masonic Hotel to distribute the notes.

The notes stated that “… the piss-inn signals that rural people are pissed off with this despotic government. As the dog pee flows so are our rights flowing away. We call upon all like-minded New Zealanders to take similar action to express their pissed-offedness!”

Marsden’s lawyer and Moenui Golf Club president J.B. “Brief” Long told “The Kiwi Herald” that an appeal would be lodged. “The jury has made a bad mistake. In the past the only people convicted of sedition in this country have been Maori rebels and conscientious objectors. For goodness sake Tim’s a dog lover.”

Thursday, June 08, 2006


In a shock move Moenui South Premieres rugby coach Kiriti Moira today announced that the team would unveil a new haka when they take on the visiting Moenui North team on Saturday. For as long as locals can remember Moenui South has done the traditional “Ka mate Ka mate” haka prior to matches but come Saturday they will start with what Moira is calling “a more inclusive, aroha -filled haka”

“Lets face it” Moira said today, “Kamate is out of date. Seriously, in the 21st century should we be curtain-raising a sporting event with a war-dance that talks about death and insults the opposition by calling them hairy buggers?”

Moira, who has coached the South team to numerous titles says that the team decided to change things during a bonding exercise at the Masonic Hotel Sports Bar on Sunday evening.

“Some of the boys had been at the play-centre working bee earlier in the day and got talking about the divisions in the world; you know between different cultures and the like. Well bugger me if they didn’t suggest we should do our bit to build a better world by changing our traditional haka and so we kind of work-shopped it. I reckon we’ve come up with something that reflects the awakening we are going through here in Moenui."

Though Moira would not reveal details of the new haka the Kiwi Herald can reveal that Saturday’s opponents will include an apology for the infamous tackle that sidelined Northern captain “Paddy” Field in last years match-up. As a finale the North team will be invited to participate in a joint haka that challenges the crowd to have a good time.