AIRPORT INTER-SPECIES SEX AD PULLED

Moenui Airport officials say they're not lacking in humour despite banning a billboard featuring a confused, scantily-clad Australian model performing fellatio on a small rhinoceros.
The image of the former Miss Australia with an apparently mesmerised baby Rhino is captioned "If you think this is tasteless, you've never smelt a rhino," and advertises Lovable underwear.

The billboard was declined by the airport management, who felt that the image portrayed an unsafe act and that the rhino featured in the billboard was ''almost certainly a minor."

"We at the airport are as amused as anyone else by images of people having sex with animals," Nick Forbes, the airport's general manager retail told the Herald. "It is unfair to say we lack a sense of humour. Just yesterday the entire customs section was falling about with laughter when someone confiscated a video of David Attenborough in a menage- a-trois with a Komodo Dragon and a tree climbing crab. The trouble is that the rhino featured in the ad is well under the age of consent and the model involved was obviously rather confused and likely to suffer injury. Attempting to put the horn of a live rhineoceros in one's mouth is foolhardy."

The lingerie billboard is not the first airport billboard in New Zealand to be declined.

Wellington Airport recently declined to display a National party billboard featuring an image of the PM's husband Peter Davis kissing a blue-suited man with the caption "Paintergate, Corngate, Doonegate, Speedgate, Pledgegate, Titillate".

POLICE TRAINING TO KEEP PANTS ON.

The police training College will introduce a "Keeping Ourselves Safe" module for police officers, as a way to help male officers "keep their pants on when dealing with female members of the public."
Announcing the measure Police Training Advisor Gary Gottlieb said that recent court proceedings showed that "for the male policeman, New Zealand is a dangerous place."
"There are growing numbers of female sexual predators out to ensnare unsophisticated policemen into sexual degradation."
Mr Gottlieb described the women as "bad sorts who may look like any other woman but have failed to control the fundamental female urge to be sexually ravaged by a man in uniform."
"The new police training recognises the growing problem. We are all aware of the appalling Nicholas case early this year where a young woman consistently lured entire team policing units into her sick sexual world, but let me assure the public this is just the tip of the viceburg."

Mr Gottlieb said that people should not underestimate the damage that such incidents did to the victims. "Invariably the men in these cases are innocents who have no idea that there are women out there who will stop at nothing to fulfill their fantasy of being sexually dominated and then publicly degraded by dragging the whole sordid business through the courts."
"Sometimes the men carry the scars with them for many years," said Mr Gottlieb.
Mr Gottlieb was last night relieved that a northland police officer's ordeal was over. Yesterday an Auckland jury found that a woman had relentlessly groomed the young officer into simulating rape in the local police station and then spent twenty years and two trials attempting to "drag him into the cycle of misery which she had achieved for herself."

"HELL" LAUNCHES NEW 'ABSTINENCE' PIZZA

Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism.
In announcing the new 'Abstinence' Pizza, Hell Pizzas Director Warren Powell told the Kiwi Herald that the company was anxious to cater for a variety of tastes and the Abstinence pizza was the first of a series of innovations targeted at 'the more virtuous and abstemious' consumer.
The new pizza designed with the help of Catholic Bishop Dennis Brown would consist of an ultra thin base of unlevened communion bread, no anchovies, no capers and no cheese.
"Indeed," said Mr Powell "the pizza will be completely naked (if you will excuse the expression) but it will come with a free bottle of holy water and a brisk walking programme."
Mr Powell said that the company was confident the new product would 'take off' saying that a number of similar pizzas would follow which he referred to as the 'Heavenly Virtues range.'
The range would include 'Patience' - "for customers who are prepared to wait a very long time for their order" and 'Humility'- "for consumers who won't complain whatever is served up to them."

FIRST BOOBS ON BIKES; NOW DICKS ON STICKS

Following the success of "Boobs on Bikes" the East Auckland Gigilos Collective has announced a Queen Street parade of it's own. The parade entitled "Dicks on Sticks" will feature naked male sex-workers on stilts and is described by promoter Steve Sparrow as "a bit of good clean fun and a chance for the lads to direct-market their wares to the public." When asked whether such an event was suitable for a public place Sparrow said, "There is absolutely no difference between what we are planning and the show yesterday."
Mayor Dick Hubbard has described the idea as "morally reprehensible."

Meanwhile yesterday's parade continues to bring comment. Police are dismissing media claims that on-lookers for the "Boobs on Bikes" event numbered as many as 100,000, saying that to the less experienced observer the crowd may have appeared to swell to that number but this was an illusion caused by unprecedented levels of tumescence among those gathered. Police are sticking with their estimate of 15,000 and 73,000 cameras.
Indeed emailed photographs of the event brought a halt to trading on the Auckland Stock Exchange later in the afternoon when the NZSX computer system failed to cope with the volume of photographs of porn stars Michel Hill and Fletcher Holding. One observer on the floor said "I haven't seen this much excitment since the day the market nose-dived in '87."
The "Boobs" event also created unprecedented interest overseas with coverage in places as far-flung as Dubai, Delhi, and Dallas. Auckland Chamber of Commerce CEO Michael Barnett told the Kiwi Herald that "such publicity is really putting Auckland on the map and can only be good for the city."
Barnett said he was unsure about the "Dicks on Sticks" event. He thought children might be encouraged to try the stunt at home.
In another development sources say that TV One News, which ran a poll on whether the parade should proceed, will now run an extended breast-based investigation after pictures of the parade drew good ratings. News Head Bill Ralston is quoted as saying that the investigation will include new polls where "viewers will be asked to comment on questions such as 'Which Boob for you- Augmented or Natural?' and 'Do big-breasted women make better mothers?' This will be ground-breaking television," said Ralston.
One insider told the Herald that Angela Bloomfield who was recently voted "best NZ breasts" in a Fayreform poll will front the new TV One investigative team.
Meanwhile in a separate incident on Auckland's notorious Hunters Corner last night, a young prostitute was ordered to 'cover up' by police when she appeared without a top. Speaking later to the Kiwi Herald 'Angel' asked "How come those tarts can flash their tits all through town in the middle of the day and me and my mates get moved on all the bloody time?"
Angel, who says she is 'near enough to sixteen' says that events like "Boobs on Bikes" give a false view of prostitution.
"That's just bullshit. It might look all glamorous wriggling your arse and your boob-job at TV cameras but that's not real. I tell you what's real. It's being banged by a couple of fat old suits in the back of a Lexus, then tipped out onto the gutter, thrown fifty bucks and called a filthy black slut."

'I'M NO HOOKER' SAYS COP

Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore."
Tawhai's denial follows media reports that a police officer has been censured for gaining secondary income through prostitution, but Tawhai agrees with the Deputy Police Commissioner who described sex-work and policing as incompatible.
"The days when a copper could earn a bit of beer money by standing on street corners with handcuffs and a truncheon muttering 'Hello, hello what have we here then?' are long past. Police are no longer held in the awe that they once were."
The popular constable says that he does however know of a number of police officers who gain secondary incomes from other jobs.
"It's not just about money either. Being a cop can be kind of isloating. People treat you differently. Sometimes you need to deal with people in a different role and a part-time job can provide that,"explained Tawhai. He said he knew of one policeman who was working part-time as an orthopaedic surgeon, another who augmented his income calling numbers at a housie hall and another one who danced with the Royal New Zealand Ballet.
For Fred Tawhai however, 'looking after the people of this little bit of paradise is a full-time job.'
Local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel agreed that the local constable was 'pretty much twenty four seven' as the town's only policeman.
"The rumour was just bloody nonsense. A case of people with nothing better to do than spread gossip,"said Lush. "Fred's a first rate bloke who puts in many unsung hours for this town."
Lush said that the constable's only recreation was his rugby and attending weekly meetings of the Moenui Marvel Comics Club. "Fred's a real enthusiast. He started the club and he's the Chairperson. They reckon when he calls meetings to order dressed as Superwoman, Linda Carter herself thinks she's having an out of body experience."

Constable Tawhai and friend