Saturday, January 27, 2007


Moenui residents were today expressing shock that New Zealand's youngest killer, Bailey Junior Kurariki, "remains a risk to others and has a distorted understanding of society," despite five years in prison.
"Gosh, I'm flabbergasted. When I read what the parole board had to say I c
ould scarcely believe it," said Dorothy Snoodle. "I would have thought 5 years in prison would have given the 12 year old a profound empathy for others and a strong sense of community."
Enid Thock who runs a cattery told the Kiwi Herald that she had thought "prison was the ideal place to develop a love of
small animals and a desire to care for the disadvantaged. But really, having read the parole board' s comments about this young boy I'd think twice about sharing a pizza with a convicted murderer."
Local beneficiary Rod Mahi said that having read the news he would now seriously reconsider his future.
"I had been planning to go to prison myself in the hope of becoming a better person and gaining a deeper understanding of society. I'd actually hoped to use that understanding to become a social commentator or journalist when I got out but now I'm wondering. I mean is the prison course not very good or did that kid not learn because he wasn't paying attention?"

Most residents expressed incomprehension at the parole board's finding that Kurariki's time in prison has not helped him to "understand the dynamic factors that underpinned his offending."
Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Frank Lush told our reporter "I'm having enough problem understanding the dynamics involved in why I just went in-off off the black without making sense of what makes me what I am."

Thursday, January 18, 2007


Moenui Airport officials say they're not lacking in humour despite banning a billboard featuring a confused, scantily-clad Australian model performing fellatio on a small rhinoceros.
The image of the former Miss Australia with an apparently mesmerised baby Rhino is captioned "If you think this is tasteless, you've never smelt a rhino," and advertises Lovable underwear.

The billboard was declined by the airport management, who felt that the image portrayed an unsafe act and that the rhino featured in the billboard was ''almost certainly a minor."

"We at the airport are as amused as anyone else by images of people having sex with animals," Nick Forbes, the airport's general manager retail told the Herald. "It is unfair to say we lack a sense of humour. Just yesterday the entire customs section was falling about with laughter when someone confiscated a video of David Attenborough in a menage- a-trois with a Komodo Dragon and a tree climbing crab. The trouble is that the rhino featured in the ad is well under the age of consent and the model involved was obviously rather confused and likely to suffer injury. Attempting to put the horn of a live rhineoceros in one's mouth is foolhardy."

The lingerie billboard is not the first airport billboard in New Zealand to be declined.

Wellington Airport recently declined to display a National party billboard featuring an image of the PM's husband Peter Davis kissing a blue-suited man with the caption "Paintergate, Corngate, Doonegate, Speedgate, Pledgegate, Titillate".

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Moenui residents expressed relief today upon learning that they are the least likely people in New Zealand to win New Years Honours.
In a statistical analysis released by the New Zealand Herald, it was shown that while Wellingtonians have a one-in-10,278 chance of receiving an honour, and Aucklanders a one-in-27,591 chance, Moenui residents have a one-in-17 trillion chance of being honoured, which is similar to the odds of encountering a tryceratops in the Masonic Hotel.
"Thank the good lord for that," commented local identity Frank Lush when told the news. He then went on to confirm that no-one in living memory has reported seeing a tryceratops in the Masonic Hotel bar, though he recalled that Jack Hench claimed to have been spoken to by 'a weta the size of a cow after three days on the wagon back in sixty six.'

Meanwhile the chair of the Moenui Area School Student Council Melodie-Ann Lewis said that the only people in town who might recieve any honour from the Queen were "so full of their own self-importance that anything from the Queen would be wasted on them."

Saturday, January 13, 2007


The Presidential pet Barney has been sacked, making him the latest casualty in the shake-up of the administration as George W. Bush attempts to present a new image to the nation and gain support for his new efforts in the Iraq war.
The cute Scottish Terrier (left) who is frequently seen with the President and was known to be a close advisor will tomorrow join other 'old guard insiders' like Donald Rumsfeld and John Bolton in leaving the administration, according to informed sources.
Barney who the President once claimed was 'along with Laura my staunchest supporter in Iraq'
will leave the Whitehouse to pursue other interests, such as chasing squirrels, sniffing strangers, and eating from overturned garbage cans.
He will be replaced by Surge, a Saint Bernard (right) who is expected to more easily fit with the new get-tough image of the administration.
"Barney's presence beside the President helped dispel the misapprehension that the President was a cold, un-caring elitist who simply couldn't care about black folks suffering in New Orleans. When you saw George W, and Barney together you knew that the President was a regular, folksy, family guy, " a White -House insider said.
But the time for Barney has passed.
Surge will leave no-one in doubt that the President and the USA are not to be messed with," the informant told the Kiwi Herald. "
Once the public sees Surge out with Mr Bush on his morning run they will sense the new mood of resolution. They'll know they have misunderestimated the resolve of the President."

Sunday, January 07, 2007


In a display of extraordinary ineptitude the Moenui Black Caps yesterday threw away a chance to achieve their worst-ever defeat when a re-called Craig Macmillan scored a boundary from his helmet when attempting to duck under a yorker.
Before a crowd that turned feral as the outcome unfolded, the locals failed to take a single wicket during the visiting Motumurali team's fifty overs and then stumbled to eight runs for nine wickets when a terrified Macmillan threw himself on the pitch as the Motumurali fast-bowler Vaste, attempted to destroy the stumps.

The ball struck Macmillan's helmet and raced away to the boundary to a chorus of booing as the black-caps surpassed the eleven runs amassed by their forbears 20 years ago, when the famed 1987 team lost to a family of muslim market gardeners from Manningville.

Captain Steve Fleming described yesterday's failure as "rubbish" while coach John Bracewell said it was "utter rubbish, but clearly not bad enough to get us into the record books." Bracewell went on to say that he regretted having suddenly recalled Macmillan "who I had completely forgotten about until I bumped into him at the local tip dropping off his empties and batting away blow-flies. He reminded me that I had told him several years ago to go away and work on his technique against the low fast ball and said he reckoned he had it sorted. Well bugger me if I didn't tell him to bring his pads along to the park today and he does this to us."
Before Macmillan's four runs, sundries had topped the Moenui batting tally after local umpire Frank 'four eyes' Fife no-balled Dilhara Fernando for excessive grunting.
The umpire explained to the visiting bowler that the tennis was at Stanley Street where they seemed to appreciate 'those sorts of noises.'

The Moenui Red-caps of 1987 face an attacking Manningville field in the record establishing game. (The team was later re-named black-caps when the local school replaced the black curtains from it's film room.)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


Last of the retrospectives from 2006


22 November 2006
The leader of the National Party Don Brash today launched a blistering attack on New Zealand's Polish population saying they had far too much influence on the political life of the nation 'especially since there are so few full-blooded Poles living here.' Dr Brash was responding to questions about a new survey that suggests that his deputy John Key is almost as popular as the National Party Leader. Read on...

26 November 2006
In a development described as 'visionary' Gerry Brownlee is to stand aside as Deputy Leader of the National Party to make way for Georgina Te Heuheu. Ms. Te Heuheu, who for several months has been mistaken by other caucus members as a member of the parliamentary cleaning staff, will be a 'key part' of new leadership's strategy to broker a deal with the Maori Party. Read on...

10 December 2006
In a move to reduce the road toll the Government is to ban automobile drivers from indulging in a number of common activities including knitting, playing the ukelele, stir-frying, reading the TV Guide and having sex. Read on...

19 December 2006
National Party front-bencher Katherine Rich is denying she stole Don Brash's emails and gave them to Nicky Hagar. Read on...



over person of your choice
Phone Barry 7117

checked her copy occasionally instead
of talking on the phone and
giving the builders the come-on
this might not have been here.

Bumper pack for those long nights in front
of the cricket.
Ph 875

who borrowed my boat from
the Owairua river bring it back.
I suppose you've drunk the home-brew.
Hope it made you as crook as the rest
made me.