Monday, June 25, 2007


Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.
The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.

"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for a Jihadist Sport website told the Kiwi Herald. "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"

And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force."

Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.

Friday, June 01, 2007


John Key today offered Bishop Brian Tamaki a Cardinalship should the Destiny New Zealand Party join the Key led Government following the next election. The move came shortly after the National Party leader stunned observors by saying that he was prepared to appoint a Green Party member as Minister for the Environment in exchange for that party's support.
Announcing the offer, the increasingly warm and inclusive Mr Key said that he could work with anyone. "Make me Prime Minister and I will make everyone happy," he smiled. He then went on to announce a possible cabinet line-up that included the following members of other parties should they agree to join his Government:

Taito Philip Field (Party yet to be named) -Minister of Immigration

Jim Anderton (Progressive) -Minister in Charge of the Reserve Bank

Winston Peters (NZ First) - Minister in charge of Overseas Travel

Tariana Turia (Maori Party) - Minister for De-Colonisation

Mihael Appelby (Legalise Cannabis Party) - Minister of Mental Health

Graeme Cairns (McGillicuddy Serious Party) - Minister for Scottish Devolution