Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Fiji will awake this morning to the news that Winston Peters has replaced Laisenia Qarase as Prime Minister of the island nation. Diplomatic sources revealed last night that the NZ Government had negotiated the deal with Commodore Voreqe Bainimarama, avoiding a coup and leaving the door open for Major Ron Mark to take control of the NZ First Party.

Insiders say that Winston Peters' record as an anti-corruption campaigner, especially his role in the Wine Box investigation were critical in persuading the Fijian military Commander to accept the Kiwi veteran politician as PM.

"I am a long-time admirer of Winston," said the Commander. We in the army are determined that Fiji has a clean-up and to paraphrase Winston himself, the current Prime Minister "has sat too long for any good he has been doing. Depart, we say."
"The time has
come to take away that fool's bauble."

Commander Bainimarama, also expressed admiration for Mr Peters' suits, saying the NZ First leader 'never fails to pass muster.'

Sources close to Mr Peters say that he is looking forward to his new role which will be 'a little like keeping the peace amongst the factions of the National Party - but in a climate much more like Northland than Wellington.'


President George Bush continued today to deny that the 1861-65 war between the states was an American Civil War, saying the period was instead a period of 'sectarian violence fomented by folk with a deep hatred of freedom."

Speaking from Estonia en route to Latvia the President said that the fighting between Americans was "fomented by outsiders promoting alien ideas."
"These evil-doers turned good Americans against each other, causing terrible loss and suffering and we all know 'a house devided against itself cannot stand."
The President said that like President Jefferson Davis and those who followed him, he would 'go the distance in Iraq.'
"This administration intends to be like Kevin Costner in 'Field of Dreams," said the President."We will go the distance. People will come."
"Like baseball America will persist. And as in the days of old, Iraqi brothers will once again share a kebab with a can of coke."
Following his speech Fox News reported a surge in the President's popularity ratings.

Monday, November 27, 2006


U.S. troops stationed in Iraq hailed an unannounced and unaccompanied visit Monday from Barney, the White House senior dog who belongs to President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush.
Landing in Baghdad's Green Zone aboard Air Force One amid extremely tight security, the Scottish terrier met with nearly 800 troops at a military mess hall, then visited Camp Victory, the U.S. military headquarters on the outskirts of Baghdad. In both locations, the 6-year-old First Dog was greeted with loud cheers and standing ovations by servicemen and women.

"Barney's visit really cheered us all up," said Army Spc. Anthony Udall, who was given the privilege of escorting Barney across the airport tarmac. "I can't tell you how great it is that the White House would send one of its own to spend some time with us out here."

Although was in Iraq for less than a day, he maintained a busy schedule while there. Events included handshakes with top U.S. field commanders, a tour of the base's new recreation facility, and a ride in an armored vehicle. Besides sitting and staying at a military briefing, Barney also participated in the ground-breaking for a new visitors reception center at Camp Victory, during which he energetically dug alongside camp officials.

The First Dog

Barney, the highest-ranking official to visit Iraq in months, had a full schedule:

  • 8 a.m. Morning walk with generals on the ground
  • 9 a.m. "Sit-down" with troops
  • 10:30 a.m. Game of catch
  • 12 p.m. Lunch, photo ops
  • 1 p.m. Bathroom break
  • 1:05 p.m. Moment of silence for fallen soldiers
  • 2 p.m. Treats
For the full story read The Onion

Sunday, November 26, 2006


In a development described as 'visionary' Gerry Brownlee is to stand aside as Deputy Leader of the National Party to make way for Georgina Te Heuheu.
Ms. Te Heuheu, who for several months has been mistaken by other caucus members as a member of the parliamentary cleaning staff, will be a 'key part' of new leadership's strategy to broker a deal with the Maori Party.
"Under Don, when the party-line was that 'real Maoris' didn't really exist we forgot about Georgina," an insider told the Kiwi Herald. "If we noticed her at caucus meetings at all we just assumed she was one of the brownish tea ladies or a late finishing cleaner. I remember on one occasion Gerry asking her if there were any more Tim-tams and another time Judith Collins offered her 'some pin-money doing a little ironing for her ainga."
"Always the polite one, Georgina said thanks but she didn't understand Samoan."

The same informant told the Herald that new strategists believe the National Party can only achieve Government in 2008 by becoming 'Maori friendly' and making a deal with the Maori Party.
"At an informal caucus someone commented that telling Hone Harawira he's not a proper Maori isn't working and then Lockwood suggested that we promote someone with a really good sun-tan to a leadership role."
"When Tau Henare cleared his throat everyone kind of looked panicked and then in walked the 'tea lady' apologising for being delayed by visiting constituents. Suddenly old Clem Simich looked up from reading the order paper and suggested that the former Minister of Maori Affairs was an ideal candidate for Deputy Leader and pretty soon, everyone was agreeing it was a brilliant stroke."
Gerry Brownlee apparently agreed to standing aside when Ms. Te Heuheu promised that he could accompany her to Marae where 'a cracking good feed is always assured.'
Meanwhile a last minute change of name by deed-poll for Katherine Rich has failed to gain the support she needed for the Deputy's job. Many thought that Katherine Moderately-Well -Off sounded even less friendly to the average voter than her previous name.
The Herald understands that Don Brash has agreed to stay on in the shadow cabinet as spokesperson on Asian and other Affairs. It is believed that once National is in Government the former leader will be appointed Ambassador to the Vatican.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


The leader of the National Party Don Brash today launched a blistering attack on New Zealand's Polish population saying they had far too much influence on the political life of the nation 'especially since there are so few full-blooded Poles living here.'
Dr Brash was responding to questions about a new survey that suggests that his deputy John Key is almost as popular as the National Party Leader.
"Frankly," Dr Brash told journalists "I think most New Zealanders have heard more than enough from the Polish community. New Zealanders are a tolerant people but not a day seems to go by without some Pole telling us what are supposed to think. Well I have news for these people. That kind of mind-control may have worked in Gdansk ship-yards but it wont work here."
In a rare show of political consensus Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen told the
Kiwi Herald that "the Poles are given far to much weight by commentators. Everyone knows that Samoans, especially those living in Mangere, are the ones who decide elections."

Young Polish women in Christchurch practice a cultural dance


Moenui pensioners John and Jane Doe revealed tonight that a sex video based on Don Brash's emails may never reach the screen. "It's a tragedy," Mrs Doe told reporters. "The nation may never see this real cracker skin-flick."
Speaking at an especially arranged press conference at the Sunset Pensioner Village the septuagenarian couple who star in the video said that the injunction expressly banning them from publishing left them disappointed and out of pocket.
"We are in the same position as Nicky Hagar," said a clearly upset Jane Doe. "Except we left out the boring political stuff and just featured the sexy bits."
"We've spent months training for the exhausting roles and then filming and now we are left with a whole heap of tape and unpaid physio and drug bills," John Doe told the Kiwi Herald. "I may even have to return the new dentures I got for the role. That's if I can find them and aah frankly I can't remember whether I wore them in the final scene involving the Exclusive Brethren or not."

Mrs Doe said that her husband had been perfect in the role of Dr Brash; a man with an extraordinary inability to remember anything that happened more than two minutes previously but an absolute God in the bedroom.
She could not reveal any details of the video but did not discount suggestions that former National Party President Collinge has a cameo role nor that Kim Jung Il has added an advance copy of the movie to his vaste collection.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


VATICAN CITY - God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he did not attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he feared his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many God watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women and movie stars outside the church.

God's statement insists, however, that his absence was motivated simply by a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, God's decision should not be interpreted as payback for Mr. Cruise' snub of God's mother, Oprah Winfrey, who was not invited to the wedding.

"Nevertheless," Vatican insiders whisper "there was no way the big guy was going after he heard L. Ron Hubbard's seat at the wedding table was closer to the groom's than his."

In other reports from the wedding guests were "strongly advised" to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to give themselves time to freshen up after being strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were be confiscated, and guests' hands stamped with an image of a L. Ron Hubbard.
Guests who left the reception hall, were not readmitted.

By Chip Hilton
Reprinted from The Pugbus

Sunday, November 19, 2006


New Zealanders awoke this morning to the startling news that Don Brash is still the leader of the National Party causing suggestions that the media is unreliable and feuling rumours that a toupee-wearing Mike Moore may have been Prime Minister for the past seven years.

The endlessly predicted fall of Dr Brash, first reported by Nostradamus in a 1557 edition of Quatrains, is being regarded with increased scepticism by the public. Moenui commentator Frank Lush told the Kiwi Herald that the failure of the prediction to come to fruition was causing widespread doubt in the veracity of media reports.
"Lets face it," said Mr Lush, "By my count, the coup against Don Brash has been announced 373 times by media in the past seventeen weeks and the wiley old bugger is still there. The gap between forecast and fact is leading to a real crisis of confidence in the fourth estate."

Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Lush described the the on-going 'fall of Brash' story as the New Zealand equivalent of US reportage of imminent victory in Iraq.
"No one really believes it anymore. Everyone knows that the supposedly bumbling Magoo-like Brash has turned out to have a sex-life of an Al Qaeda prince and is forever in secret meetings with jokers who are on first-name basis with the big fella upstairs. John Key on the other hand is turning out to be a smiling Donald Rumsfeld; big on promise but tardy on delivery."

Lush says that some kiwis he has spoken with have completely lost faith with the media reportage. "Just yesterday some bloke staggered into the bar out of the driving rain and said,"If that's the 'sun with occasional cloud' the TV reckoned we were due for, Mike Moore's the Prime Minister."

Saturday, November 18, 2006


Following on from an Australian case where a man established he was not the parent of two of his children, Moenui teenager Melodie-Ann Lewis is seeking DNA testing of her family in a bid to establish that she has 'absolutely nothing in common with them.'

The fourteen year old Lewis who chairs the student Council at Moenui Area School says her family is 'a complete embarrassment' and that she was 'more than likely mixed up at birth' and instead of going home with her real parents 'ended up stuck in a household of complete losers and misfits.'
Lewis says she had long suspected her older sister Lisa was adopted especially when the 'brainless tart' streaked at a local rugby match earlier this year.
"I've worked it out now though," Melodie-Ann told the
Kiwi Herald. "It's the entire family. I'm the one who doesn't fit in. The olds are nice enough but may as well live in the Dark Ages and the little brother is just plain wierd."
In anticipation that DNA testing will establish that she is indeed 'living amongst strangers' Melodie-Ann is asking 'any real cool couple with a disappointingly ordinary daughter born the first week of February 1992 to 'take a second look.'
"I could be the really discerning, free-spirited and multi-talented daughter you always dreamed of nurturing."

Monday, November 13, 2006


Donald Rumsfeld has released his showreel as he prepares to make a move into the entertainment industry.
(courtesy-Late Show)

Sunday, November 12, 2006


The Kiwi Herald has gained access to a video detailing a Danish road speed reduction campaign that may be introduced locally.
The video was part of a District Council report describing possible solutions to an on-going speeding problem at the Parnell Street roundabout. It was passed on the local police Constable Frank Tawhai 13 months ago who says he "has been looking into the matter."
We invite ratepayer comment on the possible introduction of a similar scheme through our letters column.

Friday, November 10, 2006



Moenui publisher Harper Collins is to reprint the Dan Carter series of books. The release of new editions by Mildred A. Wirt is described by Collins as a shameless attempt to make money by name association. "I'm certain that alot of people will buy the books thinking they are about the rugby playing celebrity when in fact they are stories written in the 1940's about a Cub Scout pack. However our brilliant marketing strategy to include a Jockey sponsored bookmark with each copy is sure to stimulate an interest in Scouts and Cubs.


A Moenui Council planning hearing yesterday okayed the accumulation of 'a whole heap of clothes and other shit' at the foot of a bed at a Parnell Street address. The request for an exception under the RMA came from 15 year old Mike 'eminem' Moore and was opposed by Mrs Eva Moore of the same address.


Moenui Motelier John Pope, who was convicted on Thursday of biting a party of American tourists when they said they were loving their time in Australia, will open a new business next week. Post, who told the Judge he had never met a member of the public who would not benefit from a good slapping, was today putting the final touches to signage for the Barking Mad Boarding Kennels.

Thursday, November 09, 2006


Donald Rumsfeld who resigned his position as Secretary of Defence today will "take a week or two off to visit with old friends before deciding on his future."

A Pentagon spokeman told the Kiwi Herald that Mr Rumsfeld planned to spend a few days "hanging about with an old buddy in Baghdad. Both of the great men have known the ups and downs of public life. They'll have alot to talk about I'm sure; like where the WMD's are hidden."

Mr Rumsfeld was unavailable for personal comment about his future plans but through an an aide re-iterated some famous Rumsfeld wisdom.
"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started," the satement began before repeatng the much quoted Rumsfeld adage: "As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

Asked to sum up Rumsfeld's contribution to the Iraq a Pentagon spokesman responded- "As you know, you go to war with the Secretary of Defence you have, not the Secretary of Defence you might want."

Rumours that Mr Rumsfeld will pursue a career in stand-up comedy are not being discounted by observors. His showreel is available here


The police training College will introduce a "Keeping Ourselves Safe" module for police officers, as a way to help male officers "keep their pants on when dealing with female members of the public."
Announcing the measure Police Training Advisor Gary Gottlieb said that recent court proceedings showed that "for the male policeman, New Zealand is a dangerous place."
"There are growing numbers of female sexual predators out to ensnare unsophisticated policemen into sexual degradation."
Mr Gottlieb described the women as "bad sorts who may look like any other woman but have failed to control the fundamental female urge to be sexually ravaged by a man in uniform."
"The new police training recognises the growing problem. We are all aware of the appalling Nicholas case early this year where a young woman consistently lured entire team policing units into her sick sexual world, but let me assure the public this is just the tip of the viceburg."

Mr Gottlieb said that people should not underestimate the damage that such incidents did to the victims. "Invariably the men in these cases are innocents who have no idea that there are women out there who will stop at nothing to fulfill their fantasy of being sexually dominated and then publicly degraded by dragging the whole sordid business through the courts."
"Sometimes the men carry the scars with them for many years," said Mr Gottlieb.
Mr Gottlieb was last night relieved that a northland police officer's ordeal was over. Yesterday an Auckland jury found that a woman had relentlessly groomed the young officer into simulating rape in the local police station and then spent twenty years and two trials attempting to "drag him into the cycle of misery which she had achieved for herself."

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


The custodian of the Moenui Jetty has told the government it can "bugger off if it thinks it's going to build a giant kermode on our harbour."

"I know they haven't mentioned the jetty," said Geoff Vasey. "But I want to make it clear that the eye-sore they've proposed for downtown Auckland will not be coming here."

Mr Vasey who has voluntarily replaced rotten boards on the Moenui jetty for some years was responding to news that the Government's plan for a Rugby World Cup stadium on Auckland's waterfront had run into trouble and a new waterside venue was being considered.

"It wouldn't surprise me one bit if they have the Moenui jetty in mind," Vasey told the Kiwi Herald. "After all it is a unarguably the best spot in the world. But as usual the politicians and smart-alec architects haven't thought it through. Apart from anything else, if they build the national stadium here who is going to fetch the ball when Dan Carter boots the bloody thing amongst Nick's snapper long-lines? You'd be taking your life into your hands asking Nick for the ball back I tell you."

Meanwhile the groundsman of Moenui domain Rob Fisher has reiterated his belief that the town reserve is the best option for the final match of the World Cup. Speaking from his ride-on tractor before an enthusiastic crowd of locals , Fisher said that the original plan to spend $3200 on a domain upgrade was short-sighted and the field was an obvious venue for the World Cup.

Fisher's plan, drawn on the back of a mince-with-cheese pie bag is for a $3.2 million stadium that will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said. "Though we just suggest that people wear togs and snorkles."

Fisher was enthusiastic in promoting the reserve.

"Moenui Domain is the obvious solution," he said. "Apart from the Masonic pub we have about 70 marae here to provide accomodation, about a thousand acres of free parking and only three local politicians to convince."

The Domain option remains popular with Moenui residents.

Fifteen year old Mike 'eminem' Moore told the Kiwi Herald the stadium would put Moenui on the map.
"I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it at all, even though they had some place called Iceland which I reckon has nil future,” he said.

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

The Prime Minister told the Kiwi Herlad she had "no view whatsoever" on the Moenui option.

Monday, November 06, 2006


The condemning of Saddam Hussein to death by hanging came only after he refused to accept the sentence of a new term as ruler of the war-torn country.
Western intelligence sources confirmed to the Kiwi Herald that the former dictator refused the dictatorship saying that "he would rather cut and run."
"Governing the current Iraq is a fate worse than death," he is alleged to have said.
"It is an impossibility. I would rather have a quick death than have the life squeezed out of me slowly like is happening to George Bush and the government of Nuri al-Maliki."
Meanwhile, speaking from the USS Abraham Lincoln, President George Bush announced that his mission had been "re-accomplished once more." He said the sentencing of Saddam signalled the blossoming of democracy in Iraq and that providing the Democrats
failed to take Congress peace would be achieved by Xmas.

Saturday, November 04, 2006


NZ Rugby League's "Grannygate" crisis deepened today after international anti-terrorism squads were called in to investigate who knew the truth about Nathan Fien's Grandmother. League sources have confirmed that MI6, ASIO and the SIS now believe Sinnead Fien was an IRA agent and that her grandson and a number of other NZ Rugby League figures may have been involved in building a terrorist cell within the Kiwi squad.

"You don't have to be an historian to know that 'Sinn' Fien and the Irish Republican Army have always been mentioned in the same breath," a breathless Graham Lowe told the Kiwi Herald. "Alot of people must have known what was going on."

Lowe, a former Kiwi coach called on all those involved in the murky affair to come clean for the sake of the game in New Zealand.
"You have to wonder who is implicated," he said. "Ask yourself what a Queenslander was doing trying to infiltrate the Kiwi rugby league team? What was his relationship with Sel Pearson the Chairman of the NZRL who has a surname rich in IRA history?"
Lowe said that he was certain anti-terror authorities would be investigating what went on at the Kiwis' famous private 'Kava sessions' and whether the 'Little General' is in fact a terrorist mastermind.
"I shudder now every time I think of all the talk about him peppering the Aussie back three with bombs," Lowe said.

"What went on at secret 'kava camps?" asks a former coach

Friday, November 03, 2006


Every member of the cast of Sesame Street harbors a quiet, deep-seated resentment towards Elmo and would like to see him leave the show, according to a published report released Sunday.

"It's Elmo's World and we're just lucky to be living in it," said Zoe, Elmo's supposed 'best friend' on the show but one of his most vocal critics in real life. "That's actually what he thinks. And if that wasn't bad enough, he always makes fun of my pet rock Rocko too! Me don't joke you - Elmo a big jerk."

The report, conducted by the U.S. Department of Pop Culture, found that 100% of Sesame Street cast-members "strongly dislike" Elmo for being so successful.

"The Count used to get five, FIVE! minutes a show to teach children about all the beautiful numbers, ah-ah-ah!" said The Count. "But these days I'm lucky if I even get ten, TEN! seconds of air-time, eh-eh-eh!"

All other cast members echoed The Count and Zoe's sentiments, with none quite so passionate as Oscar the Grouch.

"Scram," said a visibly irate, panting-for-air Oscar the Grouch. "I mean, I know I hate everybody, but wow...I really, really, really hate Elmo. Did you hear that Elmo? I hate your guts. SCRAM!"

The report described Elmo's overwhelming popularity as the leading reason for why his Sesame Street cast-mates despise him so much.

“Within the last ten years Elmo has risen to the level of international superstar and spawned an entire empire of products," said USDPC Secretary Greg Tannenbaum. "This, of course, has led to a large amount of resentment among many of the less-talented, less-cute cast-members."

Reached for comment today, Elmo said that the report made him "sad," but that he had a show to do and just wanted to focus on the number 9 and the letter K.

The entire Sesame Street cast want Elmo off the show


Thursday, November 02, 2006


Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism.
In announcing the new 'Abstinence' Pizza, Hell Pizzas Director Warren Powell told the Kiwi Herald that the company was anxious to cater for a variety of tastes and the Abstinence pizza was the first of a series of innovations targeted at 'the more virtuous and abstemious' consumer.
The new pizza designed with the help of Catholic Bishop Dennis Brown would consist of an ultra thin base of unlevened communion bread,
no anchovies, no capers and no cheese.
"Indeed," said Mr Powell "the pizza will be completely naked (if you will excuse the expression) but it will come with a free bottle of holy water and a brisk walking programme."
Mr Powell said that the company was confident the new product would 'take off' saying that a number of similar pizzas would follow which he referred to as the 'Heavenly Virtues range.'
The range would include 'Patience' - "for customers who are prepared to wait a very long time for their order" and 'Humility'- "for consumers who won't complain whatever is served up to them."


Moenui Councillor Penny Sefuiva held a full council meeting spell-bound yesterday when she reported back on her recent rate-payer funded fact-finding tour of Europe.
Councillors expressed astonishment when Mrs Sefuiva reported her findings which included evidence that Finns eat reindeer stew while Swedes like pickled herring.
"Gosh, " said a clearly amazed Cr. Vern Walsh. "If I hadn't heard it from Penny herself I would not have believed it. I was also blown away by the fact that the Swiss army knife was first used by the Swiss army who- get this- didn't even fight in World War 2."
Councillors were treated to a slide show showing the joys of business class air-travel by Mrs Sefuiva and all agreed that the service was well worth the extra cost.
At the end of the report Mayor Richard Hubberd thanked Mrs Sefuiva saying he had particularly enjoyed the pictures from Norway that proved "...once and for all that lemmings don't mass suicide from cliffs. It is something I have long suspected," said the Mayor.
The Council then adjourned for a cup of tea and hot crumpets with lashings of golden syrup.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


The governing body of Rugby League has put an end to the eligibility disputes that dog the game, by declaring that for future test matches between Australia and New Zealand the two team captains will 'pick-up' for teams from all the players gathered.
In a move described by Australian League chief David Gallop as 'a return to schoolyard traditions' the captain who wins a single round of rock, paper, scissors will get to choose a team-mate first and then "it they'll take turn-about until someone is stuck with Manu Vatuvai as the last choice."
"It makes sense really," said Gallop. "Half of our lot are Maori anyway and you've got a good portion who've played for Samoa, the Cooks and Tonga- not to mention a couple of skippies."
"Mind you we've got one player who's captained Lebanon and another who has played for us, you then us again."
"I say lets stop the arguing and get on with the game."
The solution was announced after a day of tense negotiation, prompted by the selection of Queensland-born Nathan Fien for the Kiwi team on the basis that his Great Grandmother once visited Wanganui.
Insiders say negotiations were at times heated with NZ spokesman Sel Pearson telling the Australian Rugby League, "Don't talk grandparents to me you bunch of hypocrites. Fifty years ago the grandparents of all our players and around half of yours wouldn't have got in the door of an Aussie League Club bar far less been selected for a national team."
Mr Pearson later apologised saying the outburst had come in the heat of emotion as had his threat that NZ would boycott the Sydney Olympics if the Kiwis were docked points for playing Fien.
Meanwhile the Australian Rugby League is rumoured to have hired a number of bookies to research into odds for Rock, Paper Scissors.