NZ'S HISTORY DISPUTED AS RAIN FALLS

New research suggesting New Zealand was underwater till 23 million years ago have been rubbished in Northland. Moenui farmer Ossie MacDonald says the claims are "complete bloody nonsense" and "typical of the tripe dished out by those pointy-headed buggers at the University."

Speaking from his tractor on a hill overlooking his seaside Moenui farm, Mr MacDonald said that he had personally witnessed his bottom paddock emerging from the ocean only last week but "the bloody thing is fast submerging again under this endless bloody rain."

However Mr MacDonald did concur with one part of the Massey University research. The Massey scientists had suggested that following the emergence from the sea, life-forms dispersed here rather than evolved locally.

"Yep, there's a fair amount of truth in that observation," commented Mr MacDonald. "We've actually been inundated with political species from God-knows-where; all getting their photos took and feigning concern. Them and media sorts. Mind you the buggers migrated pretty quickly once they found there was no cafe in town."

DRINK LAWS MUST CHANGE

Moenui resident Dulcie Willis is calling on parliament to re-introduce the six o'clock closing of hotels and bars saying her husband's dinner has been in the oven since 1967 and if he doesn't arrive home soon she will have to throw it out.
"It's a lovely piece of porterhouse I got in specially," says Mrs Willis.

Tho popular woman, who is president of the local Country Women's Institute, supports current moves to raise the drinking age to 20 and believes that while they are about it "MP's can strike a blow for family life by bringing back the six oclock swill."

"Forty nine years ago a man would wobble home from the pub on his push bike and sit down with the family for a piping-hot plate of meat and two veg. He could be relied upon to give the young fella a good clip round the ears if that was what was required and then we would all sit down in front of the tellie to watch Coro or Gunsmoke. Hubby would contentedly doze off only to be woken by that lovely Marama Martin saying her farewells and the Goodnight Kiwi putting out the cat. These days I doubt half the men round here would even know that Ken Barlow's kids have turned out to be wastrills. They'd be lucky to recognise their own kids now they are stuck in the pub 'til all hours."

Mrs Willis says that in the days of the swill bars were sodden troughs but that longer hours had made them so comfortable men had no need to come home.

"The Masonic in town here was a complete pig-sty with sawdust an the floor and nowhere to sit. These days it serves food, has comfy seating, games to play and even TV to watch. No wonder I haven't sighted Bill for 49 years."

NZ PARLIAMENT DUMPS WAITANGI PRINCIPLES

Members of Parliament debating the Waitangi Principles today

NZ's Parliament today voted to remove all references to the Treaty of Waitangi from NZ law and replace them with references to the principle behind the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. The Brest Litovsk treaty, through which Russia made peace with Germany, Austria-Hungary and Turkey in 1917 was described by supporters of the new bill as more appropriate to the NZ situation.

New Zealand First spokesperson Doug Woolerton who introduced the Bill said that the Waitangi Principles were confusing and complicated while the principle behind the Brest-Litovsk Treaty was simple. "Basically the principle of those who signed Brest Litovsk was 'bugger the treaty.' Woolerton told the Kiwi Herald
"When the Germans and their mates signed the peace agreement with Russia they had no intention of keeping to it. Within about three months the Turks invaded part of Russia and over the next few years it was bloody near a free for all."
Woolerton went on to explain that having "bugger the treaty" at the heart of New Zealand law would make life much simpler and would more accurately represent the intentions of the Europeans who signed the Waitangi treaty in 1840.
"In a funny way adopting the principle behind the Brest Litovsk Treaty as the basis for NZ law honours our European forebears."

DEFINING MOMENTS ANNOUNCED

The "Defining Moments" in our history can now be announced. A reader poll has come up with a list of "events that have defined and shaped us." Below are the great moments Moenui residents rate most highly. They are not listed in any particular order.

1807 First Christian Church Service in the area prompts Maori to begin the Moenui tradition of “bringing a plate.”

1832 Stone Store Built – 150 years on the name inspires the famous “Stoned Store,” a trading depot established by horticulturists near Moenui.

1840 Treaty of Waitangi is Signed. 160 years later a complaint by Moenui hapu to “Fair Go” confirms that they were ripped-off.
Presenter Kevin Milne fails to get any apology from the family of William Hobson.

Kevin Milne

1905 All Blacks Tour. Local rugby player and farmer Dave Gallagher tells his wife he is going fishing, disappears for six months, and returns as Moenui's greatest son shortly after the victorious AllBlacks arrive back in Godzone. Not until 1917, when the death of All Black captain David Gallagher is reported from Flanders, do rumours resurface that Dave "the Dog" Gallagher spent most of 1905 living with a school mistress in the Meka Valley.

1929-35 “The Great Depression.” This is a name given to a body of work by Moenui’s most famous painter Colin Mikaho. The bleak and sentmental works are sometimes called “Col's Blue Period.”

1951 Waterfront Strike – name given to the celebrated occasion when Jack Barnes bought the winning Tatts ticket from a bloke on the Moenui jetty.

Excited locals greet Jack as he arrives to make his big "collect" at The Lucky Barber and Tobacconist.

1951 NZ Legislative Council is abolished prompting days of drunken celebration in Moenui when residents mistakenly think central government has been abandoned.

1956 Peter Jones scores the winning try against the touring Boks. Local hero Jones’ comment, “I’m absolutely buggered,” to a local radio announcer results in him being barred from Moenui Masonic Hotel because of suspicions he is a homosexual.

1963 Introduction of Oral Contraception completely bypasses Moenui

1967 End of Free School Milk. Absenteeism at local schools declines sharply

1975 Treaty of Waitangi Act brings a string of claims for redress. In the most recent case Moenui market gardener Leung “the Lettuce” Lee is awarded several hundred acres of crown land when he convinces the court that ancestor Zheng He landed his junk at Moenui in 1432

1975 Dawn Raids on "Overstayers" draw initial support in Moenui until it is revealed that visiting relatives do not necessarily qualify as overstayers.

1981 Underarm Bowling Incident. Aussie visitor Trev Chappell shocks locals by bowling underarm in the Moenui and District Lawn Bowls Championship. It takes only a few years for local bowlers to abandon the overarm technique and local greens improve markedly.

An Artists impression of Trevor's famous bowl

1984 Nuclear Ships Are Banned from Moenui harbour. Nuclear powered spaceships are specifically excluded from the ban after submissions from the Moenui Astronomical Society.

1985 The Adult Adoption Information Act passed. 13 percent of residents discover they are married to siblings.

1987 Market Crash. A runaway school bus crashes into the Southbank Craft Market destroying years of preserves and some valuable macramé. The local economy takes years to recover.

1997 The Ingham Twins are given“freedom of the township” when they make a surprise visit to Moenui after a Russian cargo ship runs aground on the Moenui Bar.

The Kiwi Herald suggets you check out results of the nation-wide survey:
http://www.radionz.co.nz/definingmoments