Tuesday, February 27, 2007


An Iraqi schoolchild who had his arms blown off today has joined a chorus of support for embattled NZ Foreign Minister Winston Peters. Speaking from a squalid Ramadi hospital 12 year old Jassim Ali told of how eighteen of his schoolmates were killed and many wounded when a suicide bomber drove onto the soccer field where the children were playing.
"My team was winning when the game was interrupted," explained Jassim. "I was about to cross the ball to a couple of our strikers who looked set to beat the off-side trap when 'bang' there was blood everywhere. I immediately thought to myself 'Winston is right, praise Allah the Americans are here otherwise there would be chaos."
"They say that since the US came and liberated us only 60,000 Iraqi civilians have died,"continued the boy. "Who knows what chaos might happen if they leave us to ourselves."

Friday, February 23, 2007


A number of sporting celebrities are expected to make court appearances over the coming months, following the precedent of former All-Black Steve McDowell (right) who achieved national headlines today when he appeared as a defence witness in a rape trial.
Kiwi Herald investigations reveal that recently retired Blackcaps opening batsman Nathan Astle will kick-start a new career next month appearing as a witness in hit-and-run cases, while the notoriously slow-scoring former international John Parker will star as an expert witness in a loitering-with-intent trial.

Sources say that David Tua will appear in a series of assaults later in the year.
Meanwhile there are strong rumours that Taito Philip Field has engaged fellow Samoan Beatrice Faumuina to appear for him if charges are laid in the hope that she can help to have the case thrown out of court.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Civil Defence experts were today denying that Auckland had experienced three earthquakes yesterday saying that the shakes which had people running into the streets had been caused by an epidemic of chest-beating following NZ's 3-0 victory over Australia in the cricket.
"There is absolutely no evidence of siesmic activity," GNS seismologist Bryan Field told the Herald. "We do however have a flurry of reports of testosterone-filled males chest-thumping and banging on about what a great little country we are. Such unbridled enthusiasm can be de-stabilising."
Meanwhile insiders report that the Prime Minister chaired a particularly unruly cabinet meeting yesterday as excited male Ministers re-lived the glory of the Blackcaps famous victory. Parekura Horamia was so excited he was twice chastised for attempting to "hoist little Peter Dunne over the boundary for six" while a newly enthused Sports Minister Trevor Mallard had to be dissuaded from bidding to host the 2014 Winter Olympics on an iceberg off the Otago coast.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Standing outside parliament under a banner announcing "Red bum good, blue bum bad," National MP Chester Burrows today attempted to explain his amendment to the "anti-smacking bill'' saying that he wanted to outlaw bad smacking while encouraging the kind of smacking that was 'part of the great kiwi tradition; the stinging red bum delivered with love'
"Like thousands of New Zealanders I look back with fond memories of a hot bottom. It was always transitory and trifling, usually after a Sunday roast when Mum had poured more sherry into herself than into the trifle itself and us kids were keeping her from her nap. She would give our bare bums a good paddling, all the time weeping and saying how much she loved us. Far from being the cruel and degrading treatment that Sue Bradford is on about it brought us closer together. These days if I get a touch of sunburn or a sting from a wasp I'm immediately awash in a flood of loving memories of family life."
Using a colour chart Mr Burrows went on to explain the varieties of redness that were acceptable under his amendment saying that "where the redness is from blood, Mum has probably gone too far and no sherry has made it into the trifle."
The MP, whose amendment is expected to pass said that where the child was blue or black or even dead from smacking prosecution was often in order.
Left: Chester Burrows with young supporters.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


US contingency plans for air strikes on Iran were tonight revealed in a BBC report. Using leaked pentagon documents the BBC was able to show that the US has plans to widen the theatre of war in the middle east, targeting Iran's uranium enrichment plant at Natanz, facilities at Isfahan, Arak and a huge number of 'Vietcong enclaves' within Iranian territory.


Police and ambulance staff were called to the dead end McGehan Close this morning after an elderly woman and her grandchild fell into council footpath workings, giving credence to the Prime Minister's observation that "some people are still falling through the cracks."

Constable Frank Tawhai who attended the incident said that the task of rescuing the woman and the child from their predicament was made 'extra difficult because like most poor folk the pair were completely cluelesss about how to climb ladders.'
"Frankly," Constable Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald "the problem is getting out of hand. I'm spending more and more time trying to get hopeless people out of cracks instead of focusing on counter-terrorism and team policing exercises involving young women."
The old woman and the child were eventually coaxed out of the crack with a promise of an all-expenses-paid trip to Waitangi and a feature article in the NZ Womens Weekly.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Australian prime minister John Howard today vowed to launch an amphibious assault against the United States if Democrat Barack Obama wins the American presidency in 2008, saying, "We will not simply stand by if America falls into the hands of a terrorist- lover."
Mr Howard was reiterating his horror at the Presidential hopefuls plans for a rapid troop withdrawal from Iraq and commented "The difference between Osama and Obama is just one letter"
"If this man is elected,"continued the Prime Minister "the terrorists will be just one consonant away from world domination!"
Original Story in Deadbrain

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Large numbers of MPs were today sent home with a note to their electorate committees saying that they could not return to the House until public money owed for the last election campaign is paid. The move from Speaker Margaret Wilson comes just a few days after Fielding Principal Roger Menzies barred students from the school who owed it money. That move sparked loud protests and then an influx of money.
Margaret Wilson told the Kiwi Herald that she expects the money to "arrive in fairly rapidly, especially since the others will be livid at the prospect of John Key taking over as Head Boy."
Ms Wilson said that she expected a similar reaction to news that Tau Henare and Jerry Brownlie were now 'lords of the tuck-shop' while Katherine Rich and Jackie Blue had taken to lounging brazenly on the Government front-benches.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


The town of Moenui was thrown into panic this morning when a five year old on his first day at school was lost and presumed eaten by classmates. The alarm was raised when little Simon Widget failed to answer to his name at morning roll-call and the teacher noticed that the perennially hungry Thomas 'the tank' Tupaea was sitting quietly on the mat in an apparently satisfied state.
New Entrant teacher Miss Beryl Stanwyck immediately rushed to the staff-room and called the police who threw up a cordon around the school and began a search.
"Thomas is one of the 15,000 New Zealand children who turns up to school hungry every day," teacher Miss Stanwyck explained to the
Kiwi Herald. "We have another dozen or so at Moenui who are in that category and some days we can't teach them until they've chewed through a handful of pencils and the odd copy of 'The Very Hungry Caterpiller.' Thomas in particular has an unsatiable appetite. He once ate all the juniors' packed lunches as payment for making farty noises all through an ERO visit to our room."
However the crisis of the lost new entrant was resolved at 10am this morning when Simon Widget was delivered to school. His mother apologised to Miss Stanwyck for his lateness explaining that she had read the report of 15000 hungry children being expected at school and insisted that Simon eat a second bowl of Weetbix and stewed fruit. Simon apparently spent the next hour in the bathroom.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007


Madonna was last night on her way to New Zealand in the hope of adopting a child from McGehan Close. The star, who famously adopted a Malawian child recently, is believed to be one of several overseas celebrities who have been inspired to adopt "a poor little brown child like the one National Party leader John Key has adopted."
An obviously delighted Mr Key appeared at Waitangi yesterday with 12 year old Aroha Ireland at his side. He had apparently gained agreement from the girl's parents to rescue her from the 'deadend' of McGehan Close in a desperate attempt to break the cycle of hoplessness her family is caught in.

The girl's mother told the Kiwi Herald that she "thought the bike we bought Aroha for xmas was pretty flash but when I saw John Key turn up in the government limo I agreed it was hopeless. I'm just stoked now that Aroha is going to join the overclass at Waitangi."
Many visitors to the Waitangi celebrations commented that they thought Mr Key and Aroha looked lovely together though some enquired whether there was any truth to the rumour that the girl was Mr Key's new wife from Singapore.
Not all locals were happy however. One disgrunted local said the sight of politicians with children on their arms reminded him of the time Titiwhai Harawira dragged the Prime minister around Waitangi a few years back 'like she was a toi moko - a preserved tattooed head.'

Meanwhile Kiwi Herald investigations are unable to confirm whether Woody Allen was sighted a McGehan Close yesterday seeking to adopt a young Asian girl.

Monday, February 05, 2007


In a major about-face the Labour Government today announced it would 'return the stolen election of 2006' to Don Brash along with several thousand dollars of taxpayers money mis-spent in the election, and $12.23 owed on an unpaid bar-tab at Bellamy's.
The extraordinary announcement was reported by
The New Zealand Herald yesterday and quoted a source close to the Prime Minister as saying Ms Clarke is furious that 'the whole affair of the unpaid bar tab is sullying the reputation of a proud Labour party' and that she had decided that it was best to 'own up to whatever needed owning up to.'
The Herald could not confirm rumours that Ruth Dyson will soon admit that the unpaid bar tab is hers, nor could it verify that former Minister Marion Hobbes was preparing to take the rap for the loss of the Rugby World Cup in 2003, admitting that she had 'lost the will to keep in shape about the same time the All blacks lost their way.'

Meanwhile the National Party has been flung into disarray by the news. Don Brash who is holidaying at the tax-payers' expense in Las Vegas could not be reached at the
Playboy Club, but sources close to John Key said that the Labour Party could not 'retrospectively return the stolen election to Don.'
"John Key is the new man at the helm and so the election should go to him," said one source. "Don's gone and this is another cheap stunt from the Socialists. We'll be asking the Auditor General to investigate"
In an un-related report McGehan Close house-painter Hepi Hohaia today reported the theft of his step-ladder, claiming that the last time he saw it was "when that John Key fella was in the neighbourhood talking about how you needed to climb up the social ladder. Now bugger me if my best long-ladder hasn't gone. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, but if you put two and two together you'd be hard pressed to come up with Don Brash as the answer."

Sunday, February 04, 2007


A major fracas between worshippers forced an early end to Sunday prayer at the Moenui Baptist Church today. The normally friendly atmosphere was disrupted when Matiu Wilson, who leads the congregation in song, broke his guitar over the head of Jonathon Burdes telling the dazed devotee that if he continued to clap out of time he would be assisted to "take a closer walk with Jesus."
A number of other members of the congregation then joined in the spat after Wilson was felled by a shower of copies of the New Testament. Order was only restored when Pastor Michael Tartuffe set off the fire alarm.
The Kiwi Herald undersatnds that Mr Burdes' lack of rhythm and his enthusiastic calls of "Hellelujah Jesus" and "Lord I'm a comin" during hymns have been the source of on-going irritation to Mr Wilson who also plays in the local big band "Matiu and the Minders".

Thursday, February 01, 2007


Residents in McGehen Close in Moenui were today pleading that gangs of marauding politicians leave them alone. The calls came after National Party leader John Key identified the "dead end street" as one the Prime Minister should join him in visiting.

"Please stay away," said Will Ilolahiah "It is tough enough bringing up kids here without these gangs of the over-class turning up to stage their turf wars. Let them do it in their own streets I say. They're a bad influence. Already we have impressionable kids here picking up on John Key's suggestions about what makes you underclass. Just last night someone smashed some rungs on my step ladder and then tried to smoke my neighbours P class yacht. The thing's completely buggered."

Meanwhile local residents expressed anger that the Prime Minister had described the 'underclass' as shrinking.

"That's bloody nonsense mate. She should stick to talking about her own," one man told our reporter. "Look at who makes up the scrum of the school first fifteen. It's our boys. Those skinny white kids from the posh streets don't get a look in."