POLICE STAGE TERROR RAID

A day after the NZ police raided the home of Iraena Asher in connection with the Urewera terrorist alert, Moenui police attempted to raid the tomb of the unknown soldier in a search for military clothing and parephenalia. The attempt was aborted however when the taxi in which they were travelling took them to the wrong address.

"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD

In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of The Kiwi Herald is demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive.
A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline Democracy Under Attack and reappeared in the Kiwi Herald later in the day with an even more striking banner-
"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"
The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."
"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"
The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.
Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.

The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel

"FERNS WON'T CHOKE," SAYS COACH

Silver Ferns coach Julie Aitken today said that the Silver Ferns would not 'choke' in the World Champs and revealed that management had taken to pre-chewing and regurgitating all player food in an effort to end the "choking epidemic" by NZ teams in big events.
The NZ players, who famously choked in the 1999 World Championship final, agreed to dine on pre-digested food after the entire All-Black team choked while playing in Paris recently.
"We got in medical advice straight after that and got some pretty sound pointers," said Aitken. "Much of the advice was the sort of thing my mother used to say: "Don't suck on sweeties while you are running about at playtime and chew your food properly before swallowing."
"We've also placed a ban on team members playing with marbles, and small coins."


Right: An Australian player about to administer the Heimlich Manoevre to a distressed Siver Fern in a recent match