ARMY FAILS TO FIND SHOPPERS HELD HOSTAGE

The Army's crack anti-terrorism squad today raided the offices of the National Distribution Union but failed to find any hostages. The action was prompted by full page pieces in most major dailies where Progressive Enterprises, owners of major supermarket chains, said shoppers were being held hostage by striking unionists.
Army spokesperson Colonel Jack Major said after the raids that it was early days, the identities of those held hostage were as yet unknown but he was confident 'a good result' would be achieved.
"We've got the Reverand Jessie Jackson coming. He's volunteered to negotiate the release of all those held just as soon as he finishes persauding Hisbollah to release those Israeli soldiers. In the meantime we've got local expert Chrisyopher Harder on board."
Meanwhile Foodtown shopping reporter and dietitian Marnie Oberer has recorded a series of emotional appeals to the hostage-takers not to skimp on fresh meat and vegetables when feeding their captors. She has recommended "a couple of slow cooking recipes and a few envigorating snacks to help fill those long periods of just sitting around reading Das Kapital."
Meanwhile three missing people were found when the army scoured supermarkets for missing shoppers. An elderly Invercargill couple were discovered 'cosy but slightly greasy' after two weeks escaping cold weather down the back of a Foodtown pie-warmer. In Hamilton a six year old boy was pulled feet-first from a bin filled with 'end of the line confectionary'. His mother told The Kiwi Herald that she believed his day buried in cheap chocolate might have brought an end to 'his constant bloody whining for treats.'