KIWI MP ADMITS TO DARK SECRET

The Government was last night in damage control mode after prominent Cabinet Minister Russ Roy tearfully confessed on national television that he has spent years hiding the fact that he has absolutely nothing to hide. Speaking to Susan Wood on Moenui Close-Up the weeping Roy said that his carefully cultivated image of 'being a really interesting person with a highly exciting private life is a sham.'
"I am so, so ashamed," said Mr Roy whose nick names include 'Roy the Remarkable', 'Reckless Roy' and 'Roy Rogerer.' I have spent my entire political career living a lie. I have let so many people down."
Mr Roy's appearance on TV comes after he was outed this week by caucus colleagues spooked by a rumour that the MP's reputation was fallacious. Back-bencher Donal O'Connel challenged the MP about rumours that he was not involved in a manage-a-trios with an Anglican Bishop and one of the Hilton sisters and 'that the celebrated incident on the business round table never really happened'.
Mr Roy whose rise to fame was widely reported as a 'rags to riches story' told Wood that he had 'never been a state-house boy' who survived on a diet of stale bread and used juicy fruit gum, nor had he rebuilt his life after being gang-raped by a marauding pack of scout-masters.
"These were not stories I actively promoted but I confess I never denied them. In reality I grew up in a normal middle-class household in Matamata reading the Waikato Times and -oh my God I'm so ashamed- playing hockey for the Piako Ramblers. The after-match sausage rolls and orange cordial were just corker"
Explaining his reputation as a rake and philanderer, the enormously popular MP said that there was an individual in Wellington who looked very much like him who 'spent his nights carousing and pulling the birds in Courtney Place. People think it is me. In reality I spend my evenings watching Coronation Street and reading the Independent Financial Review in the company of my Parakeet Maude." At this point Roy broke down saying that since the truth had come out Maude had stopped talking. "Oh God, she must be so disappointed in me," he whispered causing Susan Wood to touch his hand in sympathy.
It is not known whether the MP will continue in politics.
Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald wishes it known that it does not want any more unsolicited phone calls from MP's saying that rumours that their "private lives are a shag-fest may be true" but they don't want to talk about it.Maude who was unavailable for comment