NEW YEARS HONOURS BYPASS MOENUI

Moenui residents expressed relief today upon learning that they are the least likely people in New Zealand to win New Years Honours.
In a statistical analysis released by the New Zealand Herald, it was shown that while Wellingtonians have a one-in-10,278 chance of receiving an honour, and Aucklanders a one-in-27,591 chance, Moenui residents have a one-in-17 trillion chance of being honoured, which is similar to the odds of encountering a tryceratops in the Masonic Hotel.
"Thank the good lord for that," commented local identity Frank Lush when told the news. He then went on to confirm that no-one in living memory has reported seeing a tryceratops in the Masonic Hotel bar, though he recalled that Jack Hench claimed to have been spoken to by 'a weta the size of a cow after three days on the wagon back in sixty six.'

Meanwhile the chair of the Moenui Area School Student Council Melodie-Ann Lewis said that the only people in town who might recieve any honour from the Queen were "so full of their own self-importance that anything from the Queen would be wasted on them."