LABOUR TO RETURN STOLEN ELECTION

In a major about-face the Labour Government today announced it would 'return the stolen election of 2006' to Don Brash along with several thousand dollars of taxpayers money mis-spent in the election, and $12.23 owed on an unpaid bar-tab at Bellamy's.
The extraordinary announcement was reported by The New Zealand Herald yesterday and quoted a source close to the Prime Minister as saying Ms Clarke is furious that 'the whole affair of the unpaid bar tab is sullying the reputation of a proud Labour party' and that she had decided that it was best to 'own up to whatever needed owning up to.'
However, The Herald could not confirm rumours that Ruth Dyson will soon admit that the unpaid bar tab is hers, nor could it verify that former Minister Marion Hobbes was preparing to take the rap for the loss of the Rugby World Cup in 2003, admitting that she had 'lost the will to keep in shape about the same time the All blacks lost their way.'

Meanwhile the National Party has been flung into disarray by the news. Don Brash who is holidaying at the tax-payers' expense in Las Vegas could not be reached at the Playboy Club, but sources close to John Key said that the Labour Party could not 'retrospectively return the stolen election to Don.'
"John Key is the new man at the helm and so the election should go to him," said one source. "Don's gone and this is another cheap stunt from the Socialists. We'll be asking the Auditor General to investigate"
In an un-related report McGehan Close house-painter Hepi Hohaia today reported the theft of his step-ladder, claiming that the last time he saw it was "when that John Key fella was in the neighbourhood talking about how you needed to climb up the social ladder. Now bugger me if my best long-ladder hasn't gone. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, but if you put two and two together you'd be hard pressed to come up with Don Brash as the answer."