WELFARE DEPENDENCY MAKES GREAT TV

WELFARE DEPENDENCY MAKES GREAT TV

Moenui TV today announced that New Zealand on Air will fund a ground breaking TV series in which “complete basket cases” compete to be adopted by celebrities.

The series called “Extreme No Hoper” is modelled upon “The Dragons Den” but has a major difference. Instead of the rich and successful being targeted for support by would-be business tycoons, the competitors are “utter no hopers” who want the celebrities to legally adopt them. Celebrities who have already agreed to consider the pleas include Suzanne Paul, John Tamihere, Christine Rankin, Bob Jones, Muriel Newman and Don Brash.

The show’s producer Judy Christie said that John Tamihere inspired the idea for the show when he offered to control the income of Maori beneficiaries.

“I thought ‘Gee that is so selfless and kind of John to make that offer' and then the idea for the show just hit me. I realised that rich and successful people are always telling the dregs of society how to manage their lives, but the fact is that people who have crap lives don’t know how to take that advice. They are either too stupid or addled by P or booze or just too damned lazy to fix up their pathetic existences. Then I figured that if I could just get some poor unfortunates into a studio where they could meet these wonderful celebrities in person we would have a really great programme.”

Christie said that the format involved the poor people "describing their truly dire existences to the panel of beautiful people who would decide which of them deserved to be saved."

Christie said that her research found that there were “heaps of poor people just dying to meet celebrities and what’s more they would just love to have their lives managed by them.”

Now she has a long list of contestants who can’t wait to be part of a show where they plead to be “adopted” by the panellists.

The first show will include the following contestants:

Mele is a 36 year old night cleaner and mother of four. Mele sends money home to parents in Tokelau and is married to a diabetic who receives a sickness benefit. “I would so like to be adopted by Christine. She used to be the boss of Winz- she is so caring and kind. She danced so well in ‘Dancing for the Stars.’ I love to dance too. Sometimes I listen to the headphones at 3 in the morning and dance with the vacuum….”

Chrissie is a ten year old autistic girl. Her 26 year old solo mother (who is addicted to anti-depressants and does not wish to be named) says that she is “tired to the point of dying.”

“I’m desperate for someone else to take responsibility and the show seems a good opportunity.” She thinks Don Brash may be her hope. “I’ve played videos of Dr. Brash’s last Orewa speech to Chrissie and for once she has stopped and stood still and watched, singing gently to herself. I think she likes his gentlemanly manner. I know Dr Brash is a big supporter of adoption for children of solo Mum’s. I’m hoping his heart will go out to Chrissie.”

Jake, a 13 year old who has been ‘suspended indefinitely’ from three schools and lived in foster-care, is back home with his alcoholic mother. He would like to live with Mr Tamihere. “He looks like an OK guy even though he does try to act like a hard-ass. I’d want my mum to come too though. Sure she’s a derelict but she can’t help it.”

Dorothy is a 68 year old with early signs of dementia. She lives alone in a one bedroom flat, though she sometimes sleeps in the park nearby which is a favourite of people from the local half-way house. She has no children and since her husband died three years ago has felt increasingly frightened and alone. She dreads going in to care. “I would be so grateful if one of those lovely people would make me their friend” says Dorothy.

Rob is 55 and a sickness beneficiary. He says he was shifted on to that benefit because he is unemployable. “I can’t help myself,” says Rob. “ I have this pathological tendency to ask for more pay and tell bosses to fuck off. I can’t wait to get on the show.”

The show will begin once “The Great New Zealand Spelling Bee” series is complete.