Tuesday, August 08, 2006


World Exclusive
Rumours and speculation rife in the USA suggesting that Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice is romantically involved with George W. Bush are false but there is strong evidence that the Secretary of State is a Hizbollah agent.
The rumours of love between the dynamic duo were boosted when 'Condi' made what was labelled 'a slip of the tongue' while at a society dinner in Washington. During dinner conversation the unmarried Rice was heard to say “As I was telling my husb—” before stopping abruptly and then continuing, “As I was telling President Bush.”
Reports in the New York Times and elsewhere described how jaws dropped around the table and speculation erupted that Condi's weekends with Dubya and Laura were not only about putting out the fires of passion erupting all over the Middle East.
However in a report set to rock the world Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is currently in New York revealed that Ms Rice did not actually say "As I was telling my husb-"
What she actually was heard to say was "As I was telling my Hizb-"
Mr Lush who describes himself as 'a student of human frailty' has spent the last week studying the American psyche, first on the New York subway and then 'in a hotel room with 52 channels of the most appalling television you can imagine.'
"It's all pretty obvious to an outsider that the husband interpretation is rubbish. Watching this brilliant woman on TV day after day you can see that there is no way she is interested in the Bush boy in a romantic way. Hell what would they talk about? Geography? Some brother on the Metro told me that it was Condi told Dubya that Lebanon was not an organisation for gay women wanting to go straight."
Lush believes that what 'Condi' almost said at the dinner was "As I was telling my Hizbollah friends."
"It was almost a fatal slip up," says Lush "but the Washington press was conditioned by the Clinton years to think that women in the white house are only interested in one kind of undercover work. They jumped to the wrong conclusion."
"My Hizbollah theory makes more sense every day," says Lush. "After all Condoleeza has been driving policy over the current shambles in Lebanon. Her policy has been perfect for them. Hizbollah has become the terrorist organisation of choice throughout the region. Watch the marches in Gaza and Iraq and Syria. Hizbollah leader Nazrallah is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of Muslim youth. Mark my word: Hizbollah has not been seriously damaged by the current war. They have an endless supply of recruits and access to arms. Condi's policies have ensured this."
Lush says that he is still doing the research but is developing a full theory.
"A few more days in front of the box and then a day or two of action research with the brothers and sisters sleeping on the steps of the 1st Baptist Church and I reckon I'll have it sussed," says Lush.
"There are two things I have to match up. One is Condi's history. She grew up in Alabama when things for coloured folk were pretty grim. Her kindergarten friend was killed by a KKK bomb. She was a child prodigy at the piano and sharper than a tack at Uni."
"Thing Two is the fact that she is now in the White house with a bunch of red neck white guys. It does not add up."
"My contention is that Condi is an undercover member of the Nation of Islam, the radical African American organisation. In the same way a Chopin sonata sneaks into your head and stays there Condi has infiltrated the white house as part of a grand plan. Come 2008 she may become the first Black Muslim President of the US of A."
Lush says that that even if his theory "turns out to be a load of crap it makes as least as much sense as the news commentaries on TV here. Besides its a bloody good story aye."

1 comment:

KL said...

Keep up the good work - you're standard of journalism is a little investigative for NZ though surely?