Thursday, August 24, 2006

FIRST BOOBS ON BIKES; NOW DICKS ON STICKS

Following the success of "Boobs on Bikes" the East Auckland Gigilos Collective has announced a Queen Street parade of it's own. The parade entitled "Dicks on Sticks" will feature naked male sex-workers on stilts and is described by promoter Steve Sparrow as "a bit of good clean fun and a chance for the lads to direct-market their wares to the public." When asked whether such an event was suitable for a public place Sparrow said, "There is absolutely no difference between what we are planning and the show yesterday."
Mayor Dick Hubbard has described the idea as "morally reprehensible."

Meanwhile yesterday's parade continues to bring comment. Police are dismissing media claims that on-lookers for the "Boobs on Bikes" event numbered as many as 100,000, saying that to the less experienced observer the crowd may have appeared to swell to that number but this was an illusion caused by unprecedented levels of tumescence among those gathered. Police are sticking with their estimate of 15,000 and 73,000 cameras.
Indeed emailed photographs of the event brought a halt to trading on the Auckland Stock Exchange later in the afternoon when the NZSX computer system failed to cope with the volume of photographs of porn stars Michel Hill and Fletcher Holding. One observer on the floor said "I haven't seen this much excitment since the day the market nose-dived in '87."
The "Boobs" event also created unprecedented interest overseas with coverage in places as far-flung as Dubai, Delhi, and Dallas. Auckland Chamber of Commerce CEO Michael Barnett told the Kiwi Herald that "such publicity is really putting Auckland on the map and can only be good for the city."
Barnett said he was unsure about the "Dicks on Sticks" event. He thought children might be encouraged to try the stunt at home.
In another development sources say that TV One News, which ran a poll on whether the parade should proceed, will now run an extended breast-based investigation after pictures of the parade drew good ratings. News Head Bill Ralston is quoted as saying that the investigation will include new polls where "viewers will be asked to comment on questions such as 'Which Boob for you- Augmented or Natural?' and 'Do big-breasted women make better mothers?' This will be ground-breaking television," said Ralston.
One insider told the Herald that Angela Bloomfield who was recently voted "best NZ breasts" in a Fayreform poll will front the new TV One investigative team.
Meanwhile in a separate incident on Auckland's notorious Hunters Corner last night, a young prostitute was ordered to 'cover up' by police when she appeared without a top. Speaking later to the Kiwi Herald 'Angel' asked "How come those tarts can flash their tits all through town in the middle of the day and me and my mates get moved on all the bloody time?"
Angel, who says she is 'near enough to sixteen' says that events like "Boobs on Bikes" give a false view of prostitution.
"That's just bullshit. It might look all glamorous wriggling your arse and your boob-job at TV cameras but that's not real. I tell you what's real. It's being banged by a couple of fat old suits in the back of a Lexus, then tipped out onto the gutter, thrown fifty bucks and called a filthy black slut."

1 comment:

Guv said...

Brilliant!
You gotta agree with Angel. Boobwashing is a valid concern... sounds like she's keepin' it real though.