XMas has been officially cancelled after the Bush Administration arrested Santa Claus under suspicion of aiding and abetting terrorism, designating him as an enemy combatant.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced that St. Nick had been tracked by the FBI for some time, since he fits the classic terrorist profile: a bearded holy man who took flying lessons, repeatedly entered and left this Country without a passport, and controlled a tightly knit cell of subordinates who manufacture concealed packages – that Santa delivers to his network in the dark of night.
Gonzalez further stated that based on warrantless intercepts of phone calls and emails between the North Pole and Detroit, Michigan, U.S. authorities were able to uncover Santa’s “naughty and nice” lists, that implicated him in various Al-Qaeda related activities.
Santa by all accounts is being held at Guantanamo causing a white house insider to comment that, “No, Virginia, apparently there is no Santa Claus, or habeas corpus.”
Original report in the Satirical Political Report
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