COWAN HYSTERIA GOES GLOBAL

A special emergency session of the African Union last night called on the NZ Rugby Union to remove halfback Jimmy Cowan from the test team against the Springboks, saying the role model was "not fit to serve." A spokesman for the leaders summit told awaiting reporters that "We can hardly sanction Robert Mugabe if one of the premiere number nines on the planet is allowed to behave disgracefully and get away with it."
The call by African leaders was echoed around the world after saturation media coverage in NZ was taken up abroad. Cowan, who faces three charges of disorderly conduct, prompted Condaleeza Rice to interrupt her summit with Chinese officials to announce that President Bush would be meeting with other leaders to "come up with a raft of sanctions against the evil doer."

POLICE STAGE TERROR RAID

A day after the NZ police raided the home of Iraena Asher in connection with the Urewera terrorist alert, Moenui police attempted to raid the tomb of the unknown soldier in a search for military clothing and parephenalia. The attempt was aborted however when the taxi in which they were travelling took them to the wrong address.

"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD

In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of The Kiwi Herald is demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive.
A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline Democracy Under Attack and reappeared in the Kiwi Herald later in the day with an even more striking banner-
"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"
The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."
"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"
The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.
Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.

The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel

"FERNS WON'T CHOKE," SAYS COACH

Silver Ferns coach Julie Aitken today said that the Silver Ferns would not 'choke' in the World Champs and revealed that management had taken to pre-chewing and regurgitating all player food in an effort to end the "choking epidemic" by NZ teams in big events.
The NZ players, who famously choked in the 1999 World Championship final, agreed to dine on pre-digested food after the entire All-Black team choked while playing in Paris recently.
"We got in medical advice straight after that and got some pretty sound pointers," said Aitken. "Much of the advice was the sort of thing my mother used to say: "Don't suck on sweeties while you are running about at playtime and chew your food properly before swallowing."
"We've also placed a ban on team members playing with marbles, and small coins."


Right: An Australian player about to administer the Heimlich Manoevre to a distressed Siver Fern in a recent match

SIS SAYS TOJO NO LONGER A THREAT

The SIS today moved to calm a worried populace, announcing that Japanese leader Tojo, the y2k bug and the Goodnight Kiwi are not considered security threats to New Zealand.
The dramatic announcement came this afternoon from the Moenui Meat Pie & Magazine shop, a favourite haunt of the head of the Security Intelligence Service Dr Warren Tucker.

Speaking to a hushed gathering of the media Dr Tucker said that while the three were "clearly a risk at one time, the SIS has reviewed the evidence and can now reassure the public that they no longer pose an imminent threat to peace, security and the enjoyment of World Rugby Cup coverage."
Members of the public spoken to by the Kiwi Herald were elated by the news. The Harbour patrol team are welcoming the chance to take a break from their nightly surveillance of the shoreline and Moenui Craft shop owner Dot Cossie said that she will at last be able to turn on the computer she has not used since 1999. She felt great relief knowing that she could check out 'happy-new-Millenium emails, safe in the knowledge that I won't catch some terrible bug.'
Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush said that he expected the Masonic Sports Bar would be filled this weekend, 'now that punters know that the bloody Kiwi won't be putting out the cat at 11 o'clock.'

"It will be like watching Kirky and his boys in '87 all over again, except this time in the middle of the night. Every true-blue New Zealander will be up for it. I even reckon that Ahmed Zouie joker and his mates with the dog collars will be celebrating with a few cool ones and a bit of a Kamate Kamate come the weekend."

NZ'S HISTORY DISPUTED AS RAIN FALLS

New research suggesting New Zealand was underwater till 23 million years ago have been rubbished in Northland. Moenui farmer Ossie MacDonald says the claims are "complete bloody nonsense" and "typical of the tripe dished out by those pointy-headed buggers at the University."

Speaking from his tractor on a hill overlooking his seaside Moenui farm, Mr MacDonald said that he had personally witnessed his bottom paddock emerging from the ocean only last week but "the bloody thing is fast submerging again under this endless bloody rain."

However Mr MacDonald did concur with one part of the Massey University research. The Massey scientists had suggested that following the emergence from the sea, life-forms dispersed here rather than evolved locally.

"Yep, there's a fair amount of truth in that observation," commented Mr MacDonald. "We've actually been inundated with political species from God-knows-where; all getting their photos took and feigning concern. Them and media sorts. Mind you the buggers migrated pretty quickly once they found there was no cafe in town."

ALL BLACKS DISGRACE BLAZER IN LATE NIGHT ORGY

The All Black squad was in crisis mode this morning after a number of them 'snuck out of bed after lights-out for a late night orgy of cocoa drinking and gingernut-dunking.'

Coach Graham Henry, who became aware of the behaviour when there were no biscuits at morning tea, is believed to be very disappointed that 'some boys have let themselves and the blazer down.'

The late night shenanigans are the latest in a series of player misdemeanours the most recent of which involved chris Jack and Carl Hayman posing for photographs wearing Dan Carter's underpants. "They were being rude," an informant told the Kiwi Herald. "Dan was really upset because when he put the underpants on they had gone all saggy and the other boys laughed at him." On another occasion Troy Flavell apparently got a good telling off when he forgot the words of the National Anthem and sang "God of Nations tweet tweet tweet, God defend our toilet seat."

None of the players involved in the latest incident were due to play any time soon, in fact one of them, John Schwalger, regularly has to be convinced that he did not dream once playing in a test match. Sources say this isn't surprising since Graham Henry routinely mistakes Scwhalger for a ball-boy.

Meanwhile Ali Williams has returned to the squad after on-going dizzy spells. Inside sources say that doctors have advised the team management that further player rotation could cause a relapse.

FLOOD RELIEF PACKAGE 'LIKE XMAS'

A flood relief package for the recently ravaged North announced today by Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker is being keenly anticipated by Moenui residents.

The large plain brown paper package is believed to contain a signed photograph of Team NZ members in sunny Valencia and a CD of a Libretti composed especially by NZ artist Stuart Hoare who is currently enjoying a French summer as the Catherine Mansfield fellow. The Libretti, entitled "Drowning in Sunshine" is described as being 'uplifting in a smug kind of way.'
"This will be a real pick-me-up," craft shop owner Dot Cossey told the Herald. "A parcel from Mr Barker will be such a relief. It will be just like Xmas."

Also included in the package is free entry to the District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses which boasts a section on "dealing with life's difficult problems."

That "just sounds made-to-order for us," said Mrs Cossey.

Meanwhile sources close to Cabinet say that at the eleventh hour Government abandoned plans for 100 lucky recipients of the package to receive a personal phone-call from Conservation Minister David Benson-Pope in which he would "provide encouraging advice about future prospects."