POLICE STAGE TERROR RAID

A day after the NZ police raided the home of Iraena Asher in connection with the Urewera terrorist alert, Moenui police attempted to raid the tomb of the unknown soldier in a search for military clothing and parephenalia. The attempt was aborted however when the taxi in which they were travelling took them to the wrong address.

POLICE LOLLY SCANDAL DEEPENS

Less than 24 hours after a spokesman for Brad Shipton described a complaint from a woman of sexual exploitation by policeman as "pathetic" and "like asking for your lolly back," Moenui police station was under siege today by locals demanding sweets.
Moenui constable Frank Tawhai locked the doors to the police station and refused to come out as hoards of people of all ages sought the return of jelly beans, jaffas and scorched almonds gifted to the officer over several years.
"Hand back the all day suckers you sick bastard," shouted grandmother Enid Nodd as she shook her fist at the station window. Like many others Mrs Nodd has been outraged at a videotape that is circuulating in the community showing Constable Tawhai and policemen from nearby towns indulging in an orgy of sweet-eating. "Good Lord what kind of perversity can bring grown men to indulge in this sort of behaviour where they use doughnuts as handcuffs and flake bars as police batons," said Mrs Nodd.
14 year old Student Council Chair Melodie-Ann Lewis was at the police station to demand the return of two packets of Hubbabubba she gave to constable Tawhai when she was 13 years old.
"Back then I thought he was way cool aye," said Ms Lewis. "But now I just feel used. He wasn't interested in me. All he wanted was my bubblegum. Him and his sick cop mates."

Meanwhile it is expected that the Bazley report on police culture, expected to be released any day, will document a steady decline in police fitness over recent years as more and more have succumbed to the tempatations of a high sugar diet, particularly when offered by attractive young women.

WOMAN FOR TOP POLICE JOB?

Police area commander Inspector Peter Cowan has defended the use of an all-female policing unit at an anti-rape protest rally last night saying, "These young women are the face of policing in the 21st century and even if I say so myself they're a damned pretty face."

The commander was responding to accusations that he had cynically put female officers in the front-line because protesters were venting their anger at a police culture which was abusive of women.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," commented Cowan. "The modern police force really likes girls. In fact we can't get enough of them in the force. What may or may not have happened thirty years ago is in the past. These days the women who apply to become police officers are motivated, talented and frankly, bloody georgeous. They're not your stereotypical down-at the-heal, shot-put throwing, plain Jane of yesteryear."

"They are the future of policing. They can diffuse almost any potentially difficult situation. These girls can hand out a traffic-ticket to a bloke like they're passing over an invitation for group sex . . . and having them slip you into handcuffs is ...well .... very exciting."

Inspector Cowan refused to comment on whether he thought fellow Commander Clint Rickards would return to his old job as Auckland Commander. He did however think that one day a woman would take on Auckland's top policing job.

"Auckland Central in Cook Street is such an ugly soul-less building. Really, only a spunky little woman with design sense could give it a make-over," he said.

SPORTS STARS RUSH TO GIVE EVIDENCE

A number of sporting celebrities are expected to make court appearances over the coming months, following the precedent of former All-Black Steve McDowell (right) who achieved national headlines today when he appeared as a defence witness in a rape trial.
Kiwi Herald investigations reveal that recently retired Blackcaps opening batsman Nathan Astle will kick-start a new career next month appearing as a witness in hit-and-run cases, while the notoriously slow-scoring former international John Parker will star as an expert witness in a loitering-with-intent trial.
Sources say that David Tua will appear in a series of assaults later in the year.
Meanwhile there are strong rumours that Taito Philip Field has engaged fellow Samoan Beatrice Faumuina to appear for him if charges are laid in the hope that she can help to have the case thrown out of court.

LAW SAYS 'DON'T KNIT AND DRIVE'

In a move to reduce the road toll the Government is to ban automobile drivers from indulging in a number of common activities including knitting, playing the ukelele, stir-frying, reading the TV Guide and having sex.
The bans, announced by transport minister Harry Duynhoeven are to be included in a law that oulaws using cell-phones while driving a motor vehicle.
"We had always thought it was just common sense that texting with a mobile phone while driving was not advisable but the number of accidents caused by the use of cell phones is astonishing," said the Minister. "After some thought we then decided to add a number of other activities that apparently have been done while driving."
Meanwhile the Convenor of the Moenui Knitting Circle Freda 'flashing fingers' Finch described the law as "another example of Government trying to control ordinary people's lives. Next thing OSH will ban sex while knitting," she said.


A photograph from a police speed camera (right)

DAN CARTER IN BRIEFS

NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui publisher Harper Collins is to reprint the Dan Carter series of books. The release of new editions by Mildred A. Wirt is described by Collins as a shameless attempt to make money by name association. "I'm certain that alot of people will buy the books thinking they are about the rugby playing celebrity when in fact they are stories written in the 1940's about a Cub Scout pack. However our brilliant marketing strategy to include a Jockey sponsored bookmark with each copy is sure to stimulate an interest in Scouts and Cubs.

PLANNING HEARING

A Moenui Council planning hearing yesterday okayed the accumulation of 'a whole heap of clothes and other shit' at the foot of a bed at a Parnell Street address. The request for an exception under the RMA came from 15 year old Mike 'eminem' Moore and was opposed by Mrs Eva Moore of the same address.

MOTELIER CONVICTED

Moenui Motelier John Pope, who was convicted on Thursday of biting a party of American tourists when they said they were loving their time in Australia, will open a new business next week. Post, who told the Judge he had never met a member of the public who would not benefit from a good slapping, was today putting the final touches to signage for the Barking Mad Boarding Kennels.

POLICE TRAINING TO KEEP PANTS ON.

The police training College will introduce a "Keeping Ourselves Safe" module for police officers, as a way to help male officers "keep their pants on when dealing with female members of the public."
Announcing the measure Police Training Advisor Gary Gottlieb said that recent court proceedings showed that "for the male policeman, New Zealand is a dangerous place."
"There are growing numbers of female sexual predators out to ensnare unsophisticated policemen into sexual degradation."
Mr Gottlieb described the women as "bad sorts who may look like any other woman but have failed to control the fundamental female urge to be sexually ravaged by a man in uniform."
"The new police training recognises the growing problem. We are all aware of the appalling Nicholas case early this year where a young woman consistently lured entire team policing units into her sick sexual world, but let me assure the public this is just the tip of the viceburg."

Mr Gottlieb said that people should not underestimate the damage that such incidents did to the victims. "Invariably the men in these cases are innocents who have no idea that there are women out there who will stop at nothing to fulfill their fantasy of being sexually dominated and then publicly degraded by dragging the whole sordid business through the courts."
"Sometimes the men carry the scars with them for many years," said Mr Gottlieb.
Mr Gottlieb was last night relieved that a northland police officer's ordeal was over. Yesterday an Auckland jury found that a woman had relentlessly groomed the young officer into simulating rape in the local police station and then spent twenty years and two trials attempting to "drag him into the cycle of misery which she had achieved for herself."

SHOPLIFTERS FAIL TO MOVE STORE

Four Moenui teenagers appeared in the District Court yesterday charged with shop-lifting after they attempted to raise the Moenui 4 Square Store from it's current position on the corner of Parnell Street and deposit it in the harbour.

In evidence Constable Frank Tawhai said the only thing that prevented the successful commissioning of a major crime was the fact that the offenders underestimated the weight of the shop.
"I've not seen such an audacious and foolhardy attempt at crime since the Hoha brothers attempted to hold up the TAB back in '87," Constable Tawhai told the Court.
"On that occasion the TAB was shoulder height when the younger of the brothers lost his balance causing long-time TAB worker Madge Talthrop to fall across the electronic betting terminal and inadvertently place $204,000 on 'LateforLunch' in the 9th race."

Ms. Talthrop became Moenui's first millionaire as a consequence of the accident and surprised locals by marrying Fred Hoha who was twenty years her junior.

In the only other case to be brought before Judge D.B. Leattie yesterday a gang of three youths were charged with assault on rising shot-put star Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea. In evidence Tupaea said he was attacked on the way home from school by the 'bunch of nerds' who first taunted him because he could not recite from the Iliad and then pelted him with scrabble pieces. The case is continuing.

'I'M NO HOOKER' SAYS COP

Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore."
Tawhai's denial follows media reports that a police officer has been censured for gaining secondary income through prostitution, but Tawhai agrees with the Deputy Police Commissioner who described sex-work and policing as incompatible.
"The days when a copper could earn a bit of beer money by standing on street corners with handcuffs and a truncheon muttering 'Hello, hello what have we here then?' are long past. Police are no longer held in the awe that they once were."
The popular constable says that he does however know of a number of police officers who gain secondary incomes from other jobs.
"It's not just about money either. Being a cop can be kind of isloating. People treat you differently. Sometimes you need to deal with people in a different role and a part-time job can provide that,"explained Tawhai. He said he knew of one policeman who was working part-time as an orthopaedic surgeon, another who augmented his income calling numbers at a housie hall and another one who danced with the Royal New Zealand Ballet.
For Fred Tawhai however, 'looking after the people of this little bit of paradise is a full-time job.'
Local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel agreed that the local constable was 'pretty much twenty four seven' as the town's only policeman.
"The rumour was just bloody nonsense. A case of people with nothing better to do than spread gossip,"said Lush. "Fred's a first rate bloke who puts in many unsung hours for this town."
Lush said that the constable's only recreation was his rugby and attending weekly meetings of the Moenui Marvel Comics Club. "Fred's a real enthusiast. He started the club and he's the Chairperson. They reckon when he calls meetings to order dressed as Superwoman, Linda Carter herself thinks she's having an out of body experience."

Constable Tawhai and friend

TOWN HAS ZERO TOLERANCE

Moenui, the little town which holds the "Best Kept Grass Verge Award" yesterday adopted a policy of "zero tolerance." Announcing the bold step yesterday Mayor Richard Hubbard said the time had come to make a stand, "and by golly we in Moenui are siezing that time."
Speaking to a cheering crowd outside the Council offices, and flanked by the local Constable and the Chair of the Country Women's Institute, Mr Hubbard orated, "We have put up with too much for too long. We have given an inch and been taken for a mile. Now let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that a torch has been lit, a burning beacon of absolute intolerance."
The mayor explained that in future no-one in the town should feel the need to suppress feelings of distaste at the behaviour and beliefs of others. "If you don't like it, don't tolerate it. Not even one percent. Those things which we find anathema must not be countenanced."
After the Mayor's speech excited supporters marched up the main street chanting, "Zero zero, Richard is our hero," until they were dispersed by the police baton charge.
Meanwhile Hubbard's expected opponent in next years Council elections Marjorie 'Kiwi' Banks said the zero tolerance stand was 'playing with numbers' and promoting a 'nothing concept.'
"Be assured that when I am elected I will come down on these people much harder than the current Mayor," said Mrs Banks.
Local commentator Frank Lush said that the thought of the 160kg Mrs Banks coming down on anyone was truly frightening. Asked how he thought the "Zero Tolerance" policy would succeed, Lush said that he did not think locals would put up with it for long.

POLICE TALK TO SUSPECT AT FAST FOOD RESTAURANT

Moenui Police were this morning interviewing a suspected paedophile in a Subway outlet in nearby Kainui. The choice of the unusual venue followed a statement from the lawyer of Chris Kahui whose twin children were killed last week. The lawyer said in her statement that her client would only talk with police at MacDonalds.

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai said conducting interviews in a fast food outlet was unusual but was part of an ongoing experiment by police to interview people in more "conducive environments."

"Alot of people find police stations quite intimidating. They find it difficult to loosen up with the sound of cell doors clanging and officers practicing taser technique. So when I read Lorraine Smith's comment something clicked. It's obvious really. There's no better place to have a good old chin-wag than over a good feed in pleasant surroundings."

Though Constable Tawhai was unable to tell the Herald details of his interview at this stage he was able to say that he had enjoyed a Spicy Italian Melt while the suspect had eaten two Kiddie Meals saving the roll-ups for later.

"Obviously," said Tawhai "a fast-food outlet does not suit everybody. I'm meeting with a pensioner later who is helping with our enquiries on another matter. We'll probably have a nice pot of tea and a lamington at the Mitre 10 tearooms."

The Constable said he was still continuing with plans to employ media interviewers to help solve crime, an idea he had earlier in the week when Susan Wood entered a South Auckland police station to interview Macsyn King, mother of the Kahui twins. This week Jason Gunn and Candy Lane will be in town to ask the questions. The event is being promoted as “Grassing to the Stars.”

Constable Tawhai is considering combining the two concepts in an attempt to solve white collar crime. “I’ll need to find a place that serves good coffee and is a bit classy. I’m negotiating to bring in Ric Salizzo to ask the questions and I’ll advertise it as “Rorts Café.”

A kids Pak similar to that eaten by the suspect
Original story: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=1&ObjectID=10389051

MANY INJURED IN RUSH TO GET IN BEHIND POLICE

MANY INJURED IN RUSH TO GET BEHIND POLICE

Several people suffered injuries today when Moenui residents responded to a call to get behind the police in their campaign to reduce domestic violence. In what Constable Fred Tawhai described as an “unseemly scramble to be the first in the queue,” 15 people were injured, one of them seriously.

Constable Tawhai said he was initially heartened by the public response but "things soon turned to custard as several people were knocked to the ground and trampled underfoot."

Local commentator Frank Lush who observed the incident from the Garden Bar of the Masonic Hotel said he hadn't seen a stampede like it since local lottery winner Jimmy Wallace announced he was paying for the drinks.

Moenui Hospital treated and released all but two of the victims. One of these had suffered serious head injuries while another simply refused to leave saying "I'm not going home to that bastard."

MINISTER STUNNED

Moenui Minister John Paul is recovering well in hospital after being injured during his Sunday sermon. Worshippers report that after reading the text "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," Father Paul was struck by a brick.

GRASSING TO THE STARS

Scores of people today volunteered information about the death of the Kahui twins and a number of other unsolved crimes, following Susan Wood's interview of the twins' mother at a South Auckland police station last night.
The interview of Macsyn King in the waiting room of a police station obviously struck a chord with many people who turned up at the police stations throughout the country offering to talk to Susan Wood and in some cases Mark Sainsbury.
In Moenui, Constable Frank Tawhai was astonished by the turn-out.
"We had people here from first light asking to talk to Susan. Some had been following the Kahui Twins' case and reckoned they'd worked out who was responsible from the photos of the tangi and comments from Pita Sharples. There were also a number of women who said they had information they would share with John Campbell if we could get him in and and we even had a young guy prepared to spill the beans to Eva the Bulgarian."

Constable Tawhai said the willingness of people to talk with media interviewers was understandable and challenged police to change their practice.
"I watched Susan talking to the twins' mum last night and thought she was just brilliant. You could see she was drawing on all her experience of trying to get the truth from Prime Ministers and public officials, the kind of experience that a police investigator can never get. And Susan was human too. Really beautiful but down to earth. I sensed that Macsyn knew she was being spoken to by someone who really cared. A Mum. A woman who understood. You could see in Macsyn's eyes that she felt the empathy flowing out of Susan. She understood that Susan really was saying to her, 'I understand your pain and your dark secret. I have been there. I once shouted at my children when my world spun out of control"

Constable Tawhai says that from next week Moenui Police Station will be setting up a roster of media interviewers to help solve crime. "I figure there are a whole lot of people out there who know a whole lot about unsolved crimes. All they need is a half famous interviewer to tell."
Constable Tawhai is advertising the first day of interviews for next Monday and has already signed up Candy Lane and Jason Gunn to ask the questions. He is promoting the event as "Grassing to the Stars."

ACTIVIST ITI CLAIMS PERSECUTION

Well known Maori activist Tommy Iti has defended his actions during last year’s infamous powhiri for visiting Waitangi Tribunal members at a local marae. At the powhiri, the 5 foot tall 120 kilo Iti appeared naked except for a sporran and traditional moko.

Today in court Iti made an impassioned speech saying that the charges against him are oppressive and undermined tribal tikanga. He claims that his actions in brandishing a gun and shooting dead three members of the Tribunal were symbolic and represented the anger felt by his people at Crown actions in the 1860’s.

The trial is continuing.

A sporran