COWAN HYSTERIA GOES GLOBAL

A special emergency session of the African Union last night called on the NZ Rugby Union to remove halfback Jimmy Cowan from the test team against the Springboks, saying the role model was "not fit to serve." A spokesman for the leaders summit told awaiting reporters that "We can hardly sanction Robert Mugabe if one of the premiere number nines on the planet is allowed to behave disgracefully and get away with it."
The call by African leaders was echoed around the world after saturation media coverage in NZ was taken up abroad. Cowan, who faces three charges of disorderly conduct, prompted Condaleeza Rice to interrupt her summit with Chinese officials to announce that President Bush would be meeting with other leaders to "come up with a raft of sanctions against the evil doer."

"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD

In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of The Kiwi Herald is demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive.
A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline Democracy Under Attack and reappeared in the Kiwi Herald later in the day with an even more striking banner-
"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"
The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."
"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"
The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.
Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.

The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel

ALL BLACKS DISGRACE BLAZER IN LATE NIGHT ORGY

The All Black squad was in crisis mode this morning after a number of them 'snuck out of bed after lights-out for a late night orgy of cocoa drinking and gingernut-dunking.'

Coach Graham Henry, who became aware of the behaviour when there were no biscuits at morning tea, is believed to be very disappointed that 'some boys have let themselves and the blazer down.'

The late night shenanigans are the latest in a series of player misdemeanours the most recent of which involved chris Jack and Carl Hayman posing for photographs wearing Dan Carter's underpants. "They were being rude," an informant told the Kiwi Herald. "Dan was really upset because when he put the underpants on they had gone all saggy and the other boys laughed at him." On another occasion Troy Flavell apparently got a good telling off when he forgot the words of the National Anthem and sang "God of Nations tweet tweet tweet, God defend our toilet seat."

None of the players involved in the latest incident were due to play any time soon, in fact one of them, John Schwalger, regularly has to be convinced that he did not dream once playing in a test match. Sources say this isn't surprising since Graham Henry routinely mistakes Scwhalger for a ball-boy.

Meanwhile Ali Williams has returned to the squad after on-going dizzy spells. Inside sources say that doctors have advised the team management that further player rotation could cause a relapse.

BIN LADEN BACKING BLACK BOAT

Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.
The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.

"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for a Jihadist Sport website told the Kiwi Herald. "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"

And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force."

Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.

'PUBLIC CAN JUDGE': TOP COP

Police Commissioner Howard Broad expects his fate to be decided "in the court of public opinion" after revelations that a video featuring him 'in acts of love' with a Shetland pony was shown at a Cabinet meeting.

Mr Broad hopes the incident, revealed in Investigate Magazine, will dispel any impression that he is "holier than thou" as he works on introducing a code of conduct for Police recommended by Dame Margaret Bazley .

"If I'm not the right person to do this then others will point that out to me," he said.

Mr Broad's comments came during an interview with the Herald last night in which he denied Investigate claims that he had groped a young policewoman and shot the entire Bain family, but admitted his part in the video saying that he had 'lived a life and this part is included in it.'

"Sure I could have insisted to my pony friend Krystal that the camera be turned off. I could have stood on my high horse but it wasn't that sort of relationship," a clearly aroused Mr Broad told the Herald.

On whether he thought he was still the right person for the job as Police Commissioner, he replied that the average Kiwi could be assured that he had no sexual interest in them. "Birds have never been my thing," he said. "Whats more I think ordinary folk will read about this and know I am one of them. They won't try and point the finger at me and say that I'm on a soap box or in a holier-than-thou position. I think they are going to see me as a real human being, an ordinary New Zealander with a deep love of animals."

GIRL TELLS OF HOSTAGE HELL

Freed Moenui teenager Melodie Ann Lewis today described her anguish and bulldog defiance during an Easter in captivity. Melodie-Ann, who forewent lucrative offers from British tabloids to talk exclusively with the Kiwi Herald, told of how she underwent 'extraordinary rendition' after straying past a parent curfew on thursday evening, and found herself in solitary confinement in her bedroom for the entire Easter break.
"It was hell," the brave teenager told our reporter. "I thought at one point I was going to die of boredom. What made it worse was that my captors told me that all of my friends were free and so busy having a good time they had forgotten me." Ms Lewis described how for the first day she tapped out messages to 'a friend held in a similar cell just a few houses away' using a Nokia phone. "It was all that kept me from breaking," said the pale year 10 student. "When I ran out of pre-pay minutes it got real hard. It was like being in Guantanamo. I got through by gazing endlessly into the eyes of my Eminem poster. It was almost like he was saying to me that he felt my pain."

Ms Lewis told of the harrowing experience of being interrogated by her "so-called parents" when she strayed past her curfew. "They wanted to know everything. Where I'd been, who with. It was the real third degree but I refused to be cowed. I just remembered all those TV shows where the brave victim refuses to say anything for fear of incriminating themselves and others. Old people really don't understand loyalty."

POLICE LOLLY SCANDAL DEEPENS

Less than 24 hours after a spokesman for Brad Shipton described a complaint from a woman of sexual exploitation by policeman as "pathetic" and "like asking for your lolly back," Moenui police station was under siege today by locals demanding sweets.
Moenui constable Frank Tawhai locked the doors to the police station and refused to come out as hoards of people of all ages sought the return of jelly beans, jaffas and scorched almonds gifted to the officer over several years.
"Hand back the all day suckers you sick bastard," shouted grandmother Enid Nodd as she shook her fist at the station window. Like many others Mrs Nodd has been outraged at a videotape that is circuulating in the community showing Constable Tawhai and policemen from nearby towns indulging in an orgy of sweet-eating. "Good Lord what kind of perversity can bring grown men to indulge in this sort of behaviour where they use doughnuts as handcuffs and flake bars as police batons," said Mrs Nodd.
14 year old Student Council Chair Melodie-Ann Lewis was at the police station to demand the return of two packets of Hubbabubba she gave to constable Tawhai when she was 13 years old.
"Back then I thought he was way cool aye," said Ms Lewis. "But now I just feel used. He wasn't interested in me. All he wanted was my bubblegum. Him and his sick cop mates."

Meanwhile it is expected that the Bazley report on police culture, expected to be released any day, will document a steady decline in police fitness over recent years as more and more have succumbed to the tempatations of a high sugar diet, particularly when offered by attractive young women.

I WAS PERFORMING PUBLIC SERVICE SAYS SHIPTON

Convicted rapist, former policeman and city councillor Brad Shipton today confirmed being involved in videotaped 'team policing' orgies where fat policemen or men pretending to be fat policemen had sex with vulnerable young women using law-enforcement equipment such as handcuffs and batons. Mr Shipton, whom Auckland Police Commissioner Clint Rickards claims as a friend, says he wasn't cruel to the women involved.

Meanwhile, in an entirely unrelated incident, the Kiwi Herald's satirical writer was today offered redundancy.

AIRPORT INTER-SPECIES SEX AD PULLED

Moenui Airport officials say they're not lacking in humour despite banning a billboard featuring a confused, scantily-clad Australian model performing fellatio on a small rhinoceros.
The image of the former Miss Australia with an apparently mesmerised baby Rhino is captioned "If you think this is tasteless, you've never smelt a rhino," and advertises Lovable underwear.

The billboard was declined by the airport management, who felt that the image portrayed an unsafe act and that the rhino featured in the billboard was ''almost certainly a minor."

"We at the airport are as amused as anyone else by images of people having sex with animals," Nick Forbes, the airport's general manager retail told the Herald. "It is unfair to say we lack a sense of humour. Just yesterday the entire customs section was falling about with laughter when someone confiscated a video of David Attenborough in a menage- a-trois with a Komodo Dragon and a tree climbing crab. The trouble is that the rhino featured in the ad is well under the age of consent and the model involved was obviously rather confused and likely to suffer injury. Attempting to put the horn of a live rhineoceros in one's mouth is foolhardy."

The lingerie billboard is not the first airport billboard in New Zealand to be declined.

Wellington Airport recently declined to display a National party billboard featuring an image of the PM's husband Peter Davis kissing a blue-suited man with the caption "Paintergate, Corngate, Doonegate, Speedgate, Pledgegate, Titillate".

BRASH STILL LEADS NATS , MOORE PM

New Zealanders awoke this morning to the startling news that Don Brash is still the leader of the National Party causing suggestions that the media is unreliable and feuling rumours that a toupee-wearing Mike Moore may have been Prime Minister for the past seven years.

The endlessly predicted fall of Dr Brash, first reported by Nostradamus in a 1557 edition of Quatrains, is being regarded with increased scepticism by the public. Moenui commentator Frank Lush told the Kiwi Herald that the failure of the prediction to come to fruition was causing widespread doubt in the veracity of media reports.
"Lets face it," said Mr Lush, "By my count, the coup against Don Brash has been announced 373 times by media in the past seventeen weeks and the wiley old bugger is still there. The gap between forecast and fact is leading to a real crisis of confidence in the fourth estate."

Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Lush described the the on-going 'fall of Brash' story as the New Zealand equivalent of US reportage of imminent victory in Iraq.
"No one really believes it anymore. Everyone knows that the supposedly bumbling Magoo-like Brash has turned out to have a sex-life of an Al Qaeda prince and is forever in secret meetings with jokers who are on first-name basis with the big fella upstairs. John Key on the other hand is turning out to be a smiling Donald Rumsfeld; big on promise but tardy on delivery."

Lush says that some kiwis he has spoken with have completely lost faith with the media reportage. "Just yesterday some bloke staggered into the bar out of the driving rain and said,"If that's the 'sun with occasional cloud' the TV reckoned we were due for, Mike Moore's the Prime Minister."

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL

Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store.

The book, entitled In My Ghostwriter's Own Words has been anticipated ever since the popular shop assistant was passed over in favour of a sixteen year old with exquisite breasts and an encyclopaedic knowledge of confectionary.

In the book Bailey claims that the young replacement, Wendy Petrie-Dish was hired because at sixteen she would work for "sweet bugger all" while Bailey was holding out for a continuation of her $22,800 salary.
"I was worth it. The salary was for my brand. Mention Moenui 4 Square to anyone 'round here and they think of me. I didn't get the nick-name 'Mother of the Village' for nothing," explained the perenially pregnant Bailey.
Bailey was 'gutted' when her salary was leaked to members of the public by her employer and says she found being called a 'rich bitch' really hurtful.'
"I know compared with most people 'round here eleven bucks an hour is alot of money but speaking in a global sense it is not," Bailey told the Kiwi Herald. "Look at all of those other women who front for businesses. I bet that Teresa Gattung and Julie Christie are earning double what I was."

POSH: I LOOK AWFUL NAKED

Breathless reportage from the NZ Herald
Tuesday October 10, 2006

Victoria Beckham has at last confirmed what many people have long suspected: She looks awful naked.

In an interview with Australia's Harper's Bazaar magazine, the former Spice Girl, also known as Posh Spice, admitted that three children and years of dieting have taken a toll on her 32-year-old body.

"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach," said the size 4 singer.

"I might fit into jeans, but trust me, I look really awful naked."

In another surprise revelation, the mother of three said she was tired of fame.

"Do I wish I could be anonymous? Of course, I don't need to feed my ego that way any more," she told the magazine.

No pictures of Posh naked were published in the New Zealand Herald, however we publish the accompanying image of an anonymous black child from the Sudan and ask readers to use thir imagination

CARTER'S NEW HAIR-STYLE ROCKS RUGBY WORLD

Rugby World Cup organisers were today locked in crisis talks after interest in next years event plummeted following Daniel Carter's hair-staightening, according to the Sunday Star-Times.
The All Black star turned out for Canterbury on Friday night sporting straight locks and immediately there was a drop-off in TV audience and numbers at the ground.

Grounds staff at the 'cake tin' in Wellington reported an exodus of pre-pubescent girls from the western stand while seasoned observors noted a surly silence from the large and usually enthusiastic gay fan-gathering who congregate near the players' tunnel.
Former All-Black and Wellington rugby icon Earl Kirton told the Sunday Star Times that 'things went awfully quiet when Dan ran onto the field, obviously without any product in his hair, and from then on the game was punctuated with a series of increasingly off-colour comments most of it to do with the state of the hair on other parts of the lad's body.'
According to Carter his mother was 'gutted' at her curl-less son, while underwear sponsor 'Jockey' has suddenly withdrawn from the lucrative deal it has with Carter.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for the Sunday Star Times has vehemently denied rumours that next week's edition of the paper will feature some news. "We are players in a very competitive market here," she said. "We cannot afford to risk offending readers."

NZ ACTRESS 'WITH CALF'

Oscar nominated Kiwi actress Keisha Castle-Hughes is pregnant and will give birth to a whale-calf in early 2008.
The Auckland teenager, who played feisty Paikea in one of New Zealand's most successful films, Whale Rider apparently is very happy with the prospect of a further 15 months of pregnancy. Her New Zealand agent Gail Cowan says the Keisha and family " are extremely happy about it. Totally. It's a baby."
Some family members spoken to yesterday by The Kiwi Herald seemed genuinely excited about the pregnancy.
"Who cares if she is only 16 and if the baby is likely to weigh several hundred pounds?" said one family member, who did not wish to be named.
But others aren't so sure whether Castle-Hughes understands what lies in store.
National MP Paula Bennett, a mother at 17, none of which are whales, said whichever way you looked at the situation, 16 was far too young to have a baby.
The MP, who was unknown to anyone but her large family until she spoke to the Herald, said that she believed there was no way a 16-year-old had the maturity to cope with the demands of raising a baby.
"You should be worried about pimples, boyfriends and going out, not spending several years swimming around the Pacific with a pod of whales." Ms Bennett said she blamed Greenpeace for painting an overly romantic picture of raising whales.
How the pregnancy will affect Castle-Hughes' career is another question. Her role in the coming-of-age black comedy Hey, Hey, It's Esther Blueburger, alongside Toni Collette, could now be in jeopardy. In the film, Castle-Hughes is supposed to star as a 13-year-old girl trying to fit into both a posh private school as well as an ordinary public school. It is feared the dormitory will now have to be rebuilt to cater for Keisha's increased presence.
Agent Cowan wouldn't go into details about the pregnancy, said she firmly believed having a baby wouldn't ruin Castle-Hughes' career. She would say however that Keisha deserved privacy.
"Small mindedness certainly won't help the family," she said.

NZ JOURNO NOMINATED FOR NOBEL PRIZE

Kiwi Herald reporter Bridget Saunders was excited and 'even more inncoherent than usual' today after learning she had been short-listed for the Nobel Prize for literature. Ms Saunders whose syndicated column famously revealed last week that the Prime Minister's moggie "has been on a week-long shag-fest with every Tom, Dick and tabby" is on a short-list of 137 nominated for best non-fiction writing in this year's awards.

Ms Saunders, whose column often reads like the Herald's utterly inpenetrable cryptic crossword (which she also writes) was described in a press release from the prize's shorlisting sub-committee as having 'a remarkable ability to two-finger type even while swimming in a vat of wine'. The press release commented that the literary community 'eagerly awaits advance copies of Ms. Saunders latest photo-journalistic epic entitled 'Things I've Done to Get A Story.' When rung for comment by the Kiwi Herald this morning Ms Saunders said that she could not feel her feet but that there were a 'couple of hunky barmen looking for them'.

WOMAN HOSPITALISED BY QUIZ SHOW

Local identity Dot Cossey is in hospital this morning after sustaining a nasty injury during last night's "Test The Nation" Health TV Quiz on Channel One.
The popular local suffered the injury when answering a "really hard question on heart disease. I couldn't decide between A and D so I took a stab in the dark," said Dot.
A hospital spokesperson said that "Mrs Cossey has lost a lot of blood but will be able to catch up with Simon and Wendy at six tonight."
Dot told the Kiwi Herald that she hadn't realised looking after your health could be so dangerous.

SAUNDERS ASKS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Kiwi Herald columnist Bridget Saunders today confirmed that she met with National Leader Don Brash in order to recommend that he watch the movie "The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada."
"We didn't discuss politics at all," said Saunders. " Three Burials is such a great portrayal of a man against the world I thought Dr Brash would appreciate it."
Dr Brash regularly meets with journalists to indulge his passion for the arts. This week the National leader's schedule includes meetings with Ian Wishart to discuss 65 year old Bob Dylan's new album "Modern Times" and a dinner with business writer Fran O'Sullivan who "is anxious that Don read Stienbeck's novel "The Short Reign of Pippin IV"

INVESTIGATOR : 'I TRAILLED PM'

Moenui weather forecaster turned private detective Harold Fogg broke his silence today confirming that it is he and not aliens who has been following Helen Clark and her husband Peter Davis.
Fogg, who would not say who has employed him, said that he had been hired to investigate rumours that Professor Davis had been picked up by law enforcement agencies in Los Angeles while impersonating Lee Tamihore. He had spent some time "sniffing around Parliament to find signs of the Montana Wines carton which my employer believes was used by the diplomatic corps to smuggle Davis back in to the country."
Fogg said he could not talk longer because he was watching "Who Killed Ivan The Terrible" on the History Channel.

NEWS TO HARDEN-UP FOLLOWING DALLOW OUTBURST

TV One will report more hard news in future in a measure destined to cater for viewers who find the current bulletins too easy. The change is a response to recent criticisms by news-reader Simon Dallow that the news isn't hard enough. Future TV One reports will contain some "really difficult news stories, some quite hard stuff and then the usual easy or just banal news."

TV One Head of news and current affairs Bill Ralston announced the changes this morning saying that he and Dallow had "had a frank discussion in which I called him a melee-mouthed little c*** and threatened to break his glasses if he ever bagged the channel publicly again. However Simon then explained that we needed to appeal to a wider audience with our news, not just those who watched it for Wendy Petrie-Dish's lip gloss but also those who watched because he was "the thinking woman's bit of eye-candy." I agreed we should give it a go. The new format will have something in it for everyone including clever-clog types like Simon who do the Herald cryptic crossword.

Mr Ralston agreed that in the past the channel had avoided complex economic, science and international stories from places with names that were hard to spell or remember.
"Most viewers don't want to hear about wars in places like Afghanistan, Uzbekistan and Bosnia-Herzegovina. If the USA invaded Invercargill, Australia or Austria we'd be fine featuring that, although people often get the last two countries confused."
He also complained that "Too many modern-day bad guys have hard names. In the old days Hitler, Tojo and even Sadaam were names you could remember and attach a face to. Nowadays they're all El-this, Achbar-that and have inter-changeable beards. The average punter finds it about as confusing as year 13 chemistry. Nevertheless we will be having some of that stuff in the Really Hard News part of the bulletin provided we can cut in some images of gratuitous violence or send Pippa Wetzel to report in a strapless sun-dress."

Mr Ralston also announced that TV One reporters have been provided with lint brushes to remove fluff from their reports - a response to Simon Dallow's plea for less fluff.

"If Simon has an allergy to fluff I think TV One, as a responsible employer, has an obligation to remove as much as we can from his work environment," Bill Ralston told the Kiwi Herald. " When I saw Simon drying his eyes last week I thought it was because of having to read the sad news story about the Crocodile Hunter. Obviously though it was his allergy not just because he's a big shielah."

Meanwhile, Mr Ralston defended the fact that the lead story on the death of Steve Irwin had taken up 13 minutes of Monday evening's news saying that many viewers watched the news with their pets and both groups were valuable members of the TV One viewing public.

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL'S COMPUTER SHOCK

Moenui was gripped by a deepening sex-scandal today when a search of local teacher Jim Jenkinson's computer found more 'inappropriate images.' Last week the nearby Meka Valley School principal was censured by the school Board after an IT contractor found shocking images on his computer while attempting to extract a ham sandwich from the floppy drive. The images included 'scores of pictures of Bambi gambolling wantonly and about a thousand pictures of the Disney characters Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'

Board Chairman Paul Apperley told the Herald that while there was no law against having such images on a computer "everyone knows it is not appropriate for someone charged with the care of small children to be locked in his office looking at this stuff. You have to wonder what else he's been looking at don't you?"
The Chairman's question was answered today when the new search of the computer turned up three pictures of MP Ron Mark 'giving the finger.'
Mr Apperley said the Board was appalled that "the school's property was being used to down-load such filth and parents in the community are understandably despairing about the safety of their children."