BRASH LAMBASTS POLES

The leader of the National Party Don Brash today launched a blistering attack on New Zealand's Polish population saying they had far too much influence on the political life of the nation 'especially since there are so few full-blooded Poles living here.'
Dr Brash was responding to questions about a new survey that suggests that his deputy John Key is almost as popular as the National Party Leader.
"Frankly," Dr Brash told journalists "I think most New Zealanders have heard more than enough from the Polish community. New Zealanders are a tolerant people but not a day seems to go by without some Pole telling us what are supposed to think. Well I have news for these people. That kind of mind-control may have worked in Gdansk ship-yards but it wont work here."
In a rare show of political consensus Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen told the Kiwi Herald that "the Poles are given far to much weight by commentators. Everyone knows that Samoans, especially those living in Mangere, are the ones who decide elections."


Young Polish women in Christchurch practice a cultural dance

INJUNCTION STALLS MOVIE

Moenui pensioners John and Jane Doe revealed tonight that a sex video based on Don Brash's emails may never reach the screen. "It's a tragedy," Mrs Doe told reporters. "The nation may never see this real cracker skin-flick."
Speaking at an especially arranged press conference at the Sunset Pensioner Village the septuagenarian couple who star in the video said that the injunction expressly banning them from publishing left them disappointed and out of pocket.
"We are in the same position as Nicky Hagar," said a clearly upset Jane Doe. "Except we left out the boring political stuff and just featured the sexy bits."
"We've spent months training for the exhausting roles and then filming and now we are left with a whole heap of tape and unpaid physio and drug bills," John Doe told the Kiwi Herald. "I may even have to return the new dentures I got for the role. That's if I can find them and aah frankly I can't remember whether I wore them in the final scene involving the Exclusive Brethren or not."

Mrs Doe said that her husband had been perfect in the role of Dr Brash; a man with an extraordinary inability to remember anything that happened more than two minutes previously but an absolute God in the bedroom.
She could not reveal any details of the video but did not discount suggestions that former National Party President Collinge has a cameo role nor that Kim Jung Il has added an advance copy of the movie to his vaste collection.

BRASH STILL LEADS NATS , MOORE PM

New Zealanders awoke this morning to the startling news that Don Brash is still the leader of the National Party causing suggestions that the media is unreliable and feuling rumours that a toupee-wearing Mike Moore may have been Prime Minister for the past seven years.

The endlessly predicted fall of Dr Brash, first reported by Nostradamus in a 1557 edition of Quatrains, is being regarded with increased scepticism by the public. Moenui commentator Frank Lush told the Kiwi Herald that the failure of the prediction to come to fruition was causing widespread doubt in the veracity of media reports.
"Lets face it," said Mr Lush, "By my count, the coup against Don Brash has been announced 373 times by media in the past seventeen weeks and the wiley old bugger is still there. The gap between forecast and fact is leading to a real crisis of confidence in the fourth estate."

Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Lush described the the on-going 'fall of Brash' story as the New Zealand equivalent of US reportage of imminent victory in Iraq.
"No one really believes it anymore. Everyone knows that the supposedly bumbling Magoo-like Brash has turned out to have a sex-life of an Al Qaeda prince and is forever in secret meetings with jokers who are on first-name basis with the big fella upstairs. John Key on the other hand is turning out to be a smiling Donald Rumsfeld; big on promise but tardy on delivery."

Lush says that some kiwis he has spoken with have completely lost faith with the media reportage. "Just yesterday some bloke staggered into the bar out of the driving rain and said,"If that's the 'sun with occasional cloud' the TV reckoned we were due for, Mike Moore's the Prime Minister."