NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui police are investigating the theft of several pairs of mens briefs from 'Moenui Fashions' after shop assistant Daryl Fey reported the loss. Mr Fey provided identikit descriptions to police and has expressed a willingness to 'carefully peruse any line-up of suspects that police put together.

The identikit picture drawn up by Mr Fey and police


MOENUI SEVENS AFFECTED BY COUP
The Moenui Rugby Sevens is set to become the 'Rugby Quartets' next year as a consequence of Government sanctions against Fiji.
A Fijian team has always been the big crowd-puller of the event but the ban on sporting contacts following the recent coup has prompted the change.
Instead the Moenui rugby club will invite a barber shop quartet from Fiji to the tournament.
"At first we thought we could provide a Fijian presence by inviting the Suva Singers to come and sing the anthems but then we thought they could play as well," President Rob Fisher told the Kiwi Herald.
"After all, they're blokes, they're Fijian and they have rhythm. It stands to reason they can play football."
Because there are only four in a barbers' shop quartet the 'sevens' tournament will be modified to a quartet's event.

APOLOGY
In the lead-up to Xmas the Kiwi Herald wishes to apologise for the large number of obituaries that have offended this year.
We particularly wish to apologise to the living who were listed as dead and described somewhat unfavourably. We also wish to apologise to the parents of aborted feotuses whose obituaries were listed.
We want to assure the public that Bunty from Classifieds now plays bowls on Sunday and no longer attends the Moenui Church of the All- Seeing Eye.

IRAQ WAR TO END FRIDAY

The war in Iraq will finish Friday lunch-time according to the Fiji Post.
Commodore Frank Bainimarama, who has for some months promised to stage a coup d'etat against the Government, will first 'deal to the corrupt elements in Iraq and bring order to that country now that the Dubai Rugby Sevens is over,' before carrying out the coup.
The Colonel has been in Dubai for the past few days watching the national team which went out in the semi-finals of the event. He reportedly decided to bring order to Iraq after a phone call from President Bush who heard the colourful Commodore was in the neighbourhood.
"Mr Bush has read about Bananarama and thinks he is our kind of guy," a White House official is reported as saying. "Not only is he a no-messin-around go-getter, but by coincidence he recorded one of the Laura and George's favourite songs 'Na Na, Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye."
The Fiji Post says that the Commodore will install an interim administration in Iraq immediately order is restored with Ratu Epeli Ganilau as prime minister.

CLASSIFIEDS

SEPTIC TANKS EMPTIED
over person of your choice
Phone Barry 7117

URGENT SALE
PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY PLAY-SET
intending buyer gone to rugby game. Says he

will be in tomorrow but unreliable.
Ph Laisenia 766

IF BUNTY FROM CLASSIFIEDS

checked her copy occasionally instead
of talking on the phone and
giving the builders the come-on
this might not have been here.

SALT & AMPHETIMINE CHIPS

Bumper pack for those long nights in front

of the cricket.
Ph 875

WOULD THE PERSON
who borrowed my boat from
the Owairua river bring it back.

I suppose you've drunk the home-brew.

Hope it made you as crook as the rest

made me.

PETERS TO GOVERN FIJI

Fiji will awake this morning to the news that Winston Peters has replaced Laisenia Qarase as Prime Minister of the island nation. Diplomatic sources revealed last night that the NZ Government had negotiated the deal with Commodore Voreqe Bainimarama, avoiding a coup and leaving the door open for Major Ron Mark to take control of the NZ First Party.

Insiders say that Winston Peters' record as an anti-corruption campaigner, especially his role in the Wine Box investigation were critical in persuading the Fijian military Commander to accept the Kiwi veteran politician as PM.

"I am a long-time admirer of Winston," said the Commander. We in the army are determined that Fiji has a clean-up and to paraphrase Winston himself, the current Prime Minister "has sat too long for any good he has been doing. Depart, we say."
"The time has come to take away that fool's bauble."

Commander Bainimarama, also expressed admiration for Mr Peters' suits, saying the NZ First leader 'never fails to pass muster.'

Sources close to Mr Peters say that he is looking forward to his new role which will be 'a little like keeping the peace amongst the factions of the National Party - but in a climate much more like Northland than Wellington.'