COWAN HYSTERIA GOES GLOBAL

A special emergency session of the African Union last night called on the NZ Rugby Union to remove halfback Jimmy Cowan from the test team against the Springboks, saying the role model was "not fit to serve." A spokesman for the leaders summit told awaiting reporters that "We can hardly sanction Robert Mugabe if one of the premiere number nines on the planet is allowed to behave disgracefully and get away with it."
The call by African leaders was echoed around the world after saturation media coverage in NZ was taken up abroad. Cowan, who faces three charges of disorderly conduct, prompted Condaleeza Rice to interrupt her summit with Chinese officials to announce that President Bush would be meeting with other leaders to "come up with a raft of sanctions against the evil doer."

"FERNS WON'T CHOKE," SAYS COACH

Silver Ferns coach Julie Aitken today said that the Silver Ferns would not 'choke' in the World Champs and revealed that management had taken to pre-chewing and regurgitating all player food in an effort to end the "choking epidemic" by NZ teams in big events.
The NZ players, who famously choked in the 1999 World Championship final, agreed to dine on pre-digested food after the entire All-Black team choked while playing in Paris recently.
"We got in medical advice straight after that and got some pretty sound pointers," said Aitken. "Much of the advice was the sort of thing my mother used to say: "Don't suck on sweeties while you are running about at playtime and chew your food properly before swallowing."
"We've also placed a ban on team members playing with marbles, and small coins."


Right: An Australian player about to administer the Heimlich Manoevre to a distressed Siver Fern in a recent match

BIN LADEN BACKING BLACK BOAT

Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.
The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.

"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for a Jihadist Sport website told the Kiwi Herald. "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"

And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force."

Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.

AUCKLAND 'QUAKE' NO-BALLED

Civil Defence experts were today denying that Auckland had experienced three earthquakes yesterday saying that the shakes which had people running into the streets had been caused by an epidemic of chest-beating following NZ's 3-0 victory over Australia in the cricket.
"There is absolutely no evidence of siesmic activity," GNS seismologist Bryan Field told the Herald. "We do however have a flurry of reports of testosterone-filled males chest-thumping and banging on about what a great little country we are. Such unbridled enthusiasm can be de-stabilising."
Meanwhile insiders report that the Prime Minister chaired a particularly unruly cabinet meeting yesterday as excited male Ministers re-lived the glory of the Blackcaps famous victory. Parekura Horamia was so excited he was twice chastised for attempting to "hoist little Peter Dunne over the boundary for six" while a newly enthused Sports Minister Trevor Mallard had to be dissuaded from bidding to host the 2014 Winter Olympics on an iceberg off the Otago coast.

BLACK CAPS FAIL WITH FAILURE

In a display of extraordinary ineptitude the Moenui Black Caps yesterday threw away a chance to achieve their worst-ever defeat when a re-called Craig Macmillan scored a boundary from his helmet when attempting to duck under a yorker.
Before a crowd that turned feral as the outcome unfolded, the locals failed to take a single wicket during the visiting Motumurali team's fifty overs and then stumbled to eight runs for nine wickets when a terrified Macmillan threw himself on the pitch as the Motumurali fast-bowler Vaste, attempted to destroy the stumps.
The ball struck Macmillan's helmet and raced away to the boundary to a chorus of booing as the black-caps surpassed the eleven runs amassed by their forbears 20 years ago, when the famed 1987 team lost to a family of muslim market gardeners from Manningville.

Captain Steve Fleming described yesterday's failure as "rubbish" while coach John Bracewell said it was "utter rubbish, but clearly not bad enough to get us into the record books." Bracewell went on to say that he regretted having suddenly recalled Macmillan "who I had completely forgotten about until I bumped into him at the local tip dropping off his empties and batting away blow-flies. He reminded me that I had told him several years ago to go away and work on his technique against the low fast ball and said he reckoned he had it sorted. Well bugger me if I didn't tell him to bring his pads along to the park today and he does this to us."
Before Macmillan's four runs, sundries had topped the Moenui batting tally after local umpire Frank 'four eyes' Fife no-balled Dilhara Fernando for excessive grunting.
The umpire explained to the visiting bowler that the tennis was at Stanley Street where they seemed to appreciate 'those sorts of noises.'

The Moenui Red-caps of 1987 face an attacking Manningville field in the record establishing game. (The team was later re-named black-caps when the local school replaced the black curtains from it's film room.)

DAN CARTER IN BRIEFS

NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui publisher Harper Collins is to reprint the Dan Carter series of books. The release of new editions by Mildred A. Wirt is described by Collins as a shameless attempt to make money by name association. "I'm certain that alot of people will buy the books thinking they are about the rugby playing celebrity when in fact they are stories written in the 1940's about a Cub Scout pack. However our brilliant marketing strategy to include a Jockey sponsored bookmark with each copy is sure to stimulate an interest in Scouts and Cubs.

PLANNING HEARING

A Moenui Council planning hearing yesterday okayed the accumulation of 'a whole heap of clothes and other shit' at the foot of a bed at a Parnell Street address. The request for an exception under the RMA came from 15 year old Mike 'eminem' Moore and was opposed by Mrs Eva Moore of the same address.

MOTELIER CONVICTED

Moenui Motelier John Pope, who was convicted on Thursday of biting a party of American tourists when they said they were loving their time in Australia, will open a new business next week. Post, who told the Judge he had never met a member of the public who would not benefit from a good slapping, was today putting the final touches to signage for the Barking Mad Boarding Kennels.

WORLD CUP STADIUM FOR MOENUI?

The custodian of the Moenui Jetty has told the government it can "bugger off if it thinks it's going to build a giant kermode on our harbour."

"I know they haven't mentioned the jetty," said Geoff Vasey. "But I want to make it clear that the eye-sore they've proposed for downtown Auckland will not be coming here."

Mr Vasey who has voluntarily replaced rotten boards on the Moenui jetty for some years was responding to news that the Government's plan for a Rugby World Cup stadium on Auckland's waterfront had run into trouble and a new waterside venue was being considered.

"It wouldn't surprise me one bit if they have the Moenui jetty in mind," Vasey told the Kiwi Herald. "After all it is a unarguably the best spot in the world. But as usual the politicians and smart-alec architects haven't thought it through. Apart from anything else, if they build the national stadium here who is going to fetch the ball when Dan Carter boots the bloody thing amongst Nick's snapper long-lines? You'd be taking your life into your hands asking Nick for the ball back I tell you."

Meanwhile the groundsman of Moenui domain Rob Fisher has reiterated his belief that the town reserve is the best option for the final match of the World Cup. Speaking from his ride-on tractor before an enthusiastic crowd of locals , Fisher said that the original plan to spend $3200 on a domain upgrade was short-sighted and the field was an obvious venue for the World Cup.

Fisher's plan, drawn on the back of a mince-with-cheese pie bag is for a $3.2 million stadium that will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said. "Though we just suggest that people wear togs and snorkles."

Fisher was enthusiastic in promoting the reserve.

"Moenui Domain is the obvious solution," he said. "Apart from the Masonic pub we have about 70 marae here to provide accomodation, about a thousand acres of free parking and only three local politicians to convince."

The Domain option remains popular with Moenui residents.

Fifteen year old Mike 'eminem' Moore told the Kiwi Herald the stadium would put Moenui on the map.
"I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it at all, even though they had some place called Iceland which I reckon has nil future,” he said.

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

The Prime Minister told the Kiwi Herlad she had "no view whatsoever" on the Moenui option.

KIWI SPORTS STARS SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM

NZ Rugby League's "Grannygate" crisis deepened today after international anti-terrorism squads were called in to investigate who knew the truth about Nathan Fien's Grandmother. League sources have confirmed that MI6, ASIO and the SIS now believe Sinnead Fien was an IRA agent and that her grandson and a number of other NZ Rugby League figures may have been involved in building a terrorist cell within the Kiwi squad.

"You don't have to be an historian to know that 'Sinn' Fien and the Irish Republican Army have always been mentioned in the same breath," a breathless Graham Lowe told the Kiwi Herald. "Alot of people must have known what was going on."

Lowe, a former Kiwi coach called on all those involved in the murky affair to come clean for the sake of the game in New Zealand.
"You have to wonder who is implicated," he said. "Ask yourself what a Queenslander was doing trying to infiltrate the Kiwi rugby league team? What was his relationship with Sel Pearson the Chairman of the NZRL who has a surname rich in IRA history?"
Lowe said that he was certain anti-terror authorities would be investigating what went on at the Kiwis' famous private 'Kava sessions' and whether the 'Little General' is in fact a terrorist mastermind.
"I shudder now every time I think of all the talk about him peppering the Aussie back three with bombs," Lowe said.



"What went on at secret 'kava camps?" asks a former coach

COUNCILLORS FACT FINDING TOUR WELL WORTH IT

Moenui Councillor Penny Sefuiva held a full council meeting spell-bound yesterday when she reported back on her recent rate-payer funded fact-finding tour of Europe.
Councillors expressed astonishment when Mrs Sefuiva reported her findings which included evidence that Finns eat reindeer stew while Swedes like pickled herring.
"Gosh, " said a clearly amazed Cr. Vern Walsh. "If I hadn't heard it from Penny herself I would not have believed it. I was also blown away by the fact that the Swiss army knife was first used by the Swiss army who- get this- didn't even fight in World War 2."
Councillors were treated to a slide show showing the joys of business class air-travel by Mrs Sefuiva and all agreed that the service was well worth the extra cost.
At the end of the report Mayor Richard Hubberd thanked Mrs Sefuiva saying he had particularly enjoyed the pictures from Norway that proved "...once and for all that lemmings don't mass suicide from cliffs. It is something I have long suspected," said the Mayor.
The Council then adjourned for a cup of tea and hot crumpets with lashings of golden syrup.

LEAGUE ELIGIBILITY CRISIS SOLVED

The governing body of Rugby League has put an end to the eligibility disputes that dog the game, by declaring that for future test matches between Australia and New Zealand the two team captains will 'pick-up' for teams from all the players gathered.
In a move described by Australian League chief David Gallop as 'a return to schoolyard traditions' the captain who wins a single round of rock, paper, scissors will get to choose a team-mate first and then "it they'll take turn-about until someone is stuck with Manu Vatuvai as the last choice."
"It makes sense really," said Gallop. "Half of our lot are Maori anyway and you've got a good portion who've played for Samoa, the Cooks and Tonga- not to mention a couple of skippies."
"Mind you we've got one player who's captained Lebanon and another who has played for us, you then us again."
"I say lets stop the arguing and get on with the game."
The solution was announced after a day of tense negotiation, prompted by the selection of Queensland-born Nathan Fien for the Kiwi team on the basis that his Great Grandmother once visited Wanganui.
Insiders say negotiations were at times heated with NZ spokesman Sel Pearson telling the Australian Rugby League, "Don't talk grandparents to me you bunch of hypocrites. Fifty years ago the grandparents of all our players and around half of yours wouldn't have got in the door of an Aussie League Club bar far less been selected for a national team."
Mr Pearson later apologised saying the outburst had come in the heat of emotion as had his threat that NZ would boycott the Sydney Olympics if the Kiwis were docked points for playing Fien.
Meanwhile the Australian Rugby League is rumoured to have hired a number of bookies to research into odds for Rock, Paper Scissors.

AIR NZ TO MOVE NPC OFF-SHORE

Air New Zealand has confirmed that in keeping with it’s policy of moving it’s operations off-shore the National Provincial Rugby Competition will be played in Asia from next year.
The move, announced by Air NZ chairman John Palmer as he presented the 2006 trophy to victorious Waikato, will see all current provincial teams disbanded and re-established in Asia where crowds are expected to be bigger, costs lower and television rights more lucrative. The move follows recent out-sourcing of engineering services to China, clerical work to Fiji and plans to send baggage-handling and ticketing to Spain.

Speaking at Rugby Park in Hamilton Mr Palmer said that “running the competition on the Asian continent with it’s greater size and more competitive cost structures makes more sense than continuing to play rugby in a couple of insignificant islands far from major population centres"
Speaking to an exhilarated Waikato crowd Mr Palmer said, “By taking the competition to Asia we will grow the game and attract more customers to the National Airline. I’m sure you will be as excited as I am at the prospect of the Waikato Provincial team being re-located to a part of the world where the people regard the cow even more sacredly than here in Hamilton. Next year your team will be based in Mumbai.”
The Chairman went on to say that the Bay of Plenty team will re-form in Bali while Wellington is expected to make a seamless transfer to Pyongyang in North Korea. Auckland will be based in Hong Kong while Southland will relocate to the miserably cold Vladivostok where Tim Shadbolt is expected to run for the mayoralty.
The Kiwi Herald understands that Air New Zealand is confident it can save on player salaries by seeking out new recruits throughout Asia. Rugby scouts believe there is a ready supply of super-fit, nippy half-backs in the Himilayas and an answer to hooking problems in Thailand. Pakistan and neighbouring Afghanistan may well provide a brace of explosive runners and ruthless counter-attackers.

WILLIE MASON: "I WAS TRYING TO SING ALONG"

Willie Mason 'singing along to the haka '(left) and (right) after greeting David Kidwell.

Willie Mason has apologised for upsetting New Zealanders with a stream of obscenities during the haka at Saturday's Kiwis vs Kangaroos Rugby league test saying "Honest I was just trying to sing along."
The mountainous Aussie prop who was caught on TV mouthing, "What the f*ck is that?" says he couldn't hear the words of the haka because of the noise of the crowd, and was genuinely enquiring what words he had missed hearing.
"We had been singing 'Advance Australia Fair,' on the bus and I really got into the mood for a sing-song. I would have loved to have sung along with the haka too. I could see that little Abo-come-Kiwi Brent Webb there in the front row having a great time and I shouted out to him, 'F*ck off Webby. Your singing too fast. I can't keep up."
The incident has brought considerable debate in rugby league circles with some Australian commentators defending Mason's response to the haka as a 'spirited response to an intimidatory challenge.'
Meanwhile Kiwi second rower David Kidwell whose encounter with a ball-carrying Mason left the big man sporting a black-eye, cuts and dizziness told the Kiwi Herald that his attempt to hongi the big man was perhaps a little over-enthusiastic.

Glossary: Hongi : A traditional Maori greeting involving the pressing of noses.

CARTER'S NEW HAIR-STYLE ROCKS RUGBY WORLD

Rugby World Cup organisers were today locked in crisis talks after interest in next years event plummeted following Daniel Carter's hair-staightening, according to the Sunday Star-Times.
The All Black star turned out for Canterbury on Friday night sporting straight locks and immediately there was a drop-off in TV audience and numbers at the ground.

Grounds staff at the 'cake tin' in Wellington reported an exodus of pre-pubescent girls from the western stand while seasoned observors noted a surly silence from the large and usually enthusiastic gay fan-gathering who congregate near the players' tunnel.
Former All-Black and Wellington rugby icon Earl Kirton told the Sunday Star Times that 'things went awfully quiet when Dan ran onto the field, obviously without any product in his hair, and from then on the game was punctuated with a series of increasingly off-colour comments most of it to do with the state of the hair on other parts of the lad's body.'
According to Carter his mother was 'gutted' at her curl-less son, while underwear sponsor 'Jockey' has suddenly withdrawn from the lucrative deal it has with Carter.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for the Sunday Star Times has vehemently denied rumours that next week's edition of the paper will feature some news. "We are players in a very competitive market here," she said. "We cannot afford to risk offending readers."

LOCAL NEWS

COUNCIL REPORT

DRINKING HERO SACKED FOR FOOTBALL OFFENCES

Drinking star Sonny Faumuina has been dropped from the Moenui Sponges Drinking Team after yet another outburst of football-playing shocked team-mates and spectators alike.
Faumuina who is famed for his free-flowing and 'almost instinctive' style of drinking that helped his team to the National Inter-Pub Grand Final just a few years ago, was sacked by Manager Ivan "the Terrible" Cleary when the star attempted to drop-kick barman 'Bouncy' Ball between the Chivas Regal and Famous Grouse during a drinking match against the visiting Willerton Swillers.
Despite promises to "give the football away" and a period of counselling, Faumuina has been unable to beat his some-time habit of side-stepping around rows of barstools and intercepting drinks ordered by other patrons.
"Frankly it is bloody annoying," said an exasperated Cleary when spoken to by the Herald. "After the first couple of times you get pissed off with being 'bundled into touch' every time you get close to the door of the gents. We are going to be sorry to lose Sonny from the team but everyone has had a gutsful of him defending the bar with his bone crushing tackles and having their attempts to get away a quick pint charged down."
Faumuina's drinking career will be remembered for his signature one-handed attacks on lines of beers and his love for the cheeky off-load. He joins a long list of prodigious drinkers whose passion for rugby has damaged their careers.

PLAYER SUFFERS DIZZY SPELL AS HENRY ROTATES SELECTION

Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. While the selection of a new team was unsurprising the order to replace the entire crowd with fresh lungs was described by one commentator as 'posssibly brilliant but probably an indication of mental instability.'
Henry, however, was unrepentant when he spoke to The Kiwi Herald.
"It's been a long season and a fair number of the crowd are jaded or carrying injuries after a stouch at last week's aftermatch. They would have found it hard to get up for this Saturday's game, especially since Rob at the Masonic hotel is having a birthday party Friday night."

Moenui (pop. 417) market gardener Leung 'the lettuce' Lee became the rotation policy's 403rd player of the season when veteran Rupert Thorne suffered a dizzy spell and had to withdraw when told he was to be rotated onto the team after a 60 year lay-off. The blind-side flanker was dropped from the team in 1946 when he famously vomited after the opposition wheeled the scrum.
An excited Leung Lee paused from dive passing cabbages to tell the Herald it was a great honour to become Moenui's first person of Chinese descent to play for the club and offered an ancient proverb to describe the significance of the event. Gazing across a sea of bak choy towards a mist-shrouded Rugby Park Lee said, "Always remember, with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown." When asked whether the saying had been passed down from his Chinese ancestors Lee replied that it was an old favourite of former all black coach John Mitchell.
The 1m 59 Lee was named at lock where it is believed his mathematical skills will be of great service.
"We've been hammered by refs all season for having too many or too few players in the line-out. We're confident the little Chinese fella will be quick at counting up and ordering the necessary adjustments," Henry said.
The Moenui team's record as they enter saturday's match reads : 15 played, 13 lost, 1 drawn, 1 match abandoned when groundsman's dog ran off with ball.

SCHOOL SPORTS DAY SPARCS EXCITEMENT

One child was hospitalised, another eight were treated for hypothermia and some remain lost following a school sports day that is being hailed as "a brilliant success" by organisers. Moenui Area School held it's first sports day since recently deciding to abandon many traditional sports in favour of 'high performance' sports. Gone were tennis, softball, basketball, soccer and gymnastics. Instead a crowd of enthusiastic parents cheered the children through athletics, rowing, sailing, triathlon and cycling events.

One stand-out athletic performance came from Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea who put the shot through the Principal's office window during a warm-up throw. In another memorable moment school groundsman's dog 'Bounce' easily won the 43 metre high hurdles but was disqualified after she chased a passing javelin and accidentally tore down the official marquee.
In another dramatic turn three six year olds and a confused grandparent who set off on the run-leg of the triathlon have not been sighted since.
"To see those little fellas stagger off their bikes and head off so bravely onto the run would have brought tears to Hamish Carter's eyes," said Principal Hone Morris. "The fact that they are still out there 24 hours later shows they are real champions of the future."
Meanwhile the rowing event failed to live up to pre-race hype when the two rowing shells, built from now disused gymnastic vaulting horses, sank without trace upon launching. The converted tennis racquets which were to be used as oars were tossed into the tide by disgusted competitors who described them as 'a complete waste of time.'
In the board sailing event high winds made for exciting racing and hyperthermia for seven students and the local coast-guard who was rescued by the eventual winner, 8 year old Babe Kendell.
In an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald the school's new Head of Sports and PE Nicholas Hill, dismissed misgivings expressed by parents about the new-look sports day. Hill who admits he does not play sport, says his past experience playing an energetic parrot in 'Treasure Island' and counting trees for Fletcher Challenge had prepared him for the job.
"I think it would have been hard for someone with a sporting background to do this job. Counting trees gives you an ability to see the bigger picture," said Hill.
"Sport can no longer be about fun and games. In the global world it is about money and national pride so we aren't prepared to put our time and money into mediocrity anymore. We are doing away with the sports that don't bring participants big bucks or Women's Weekly cover stories. Hamish Carter, Sarah Ulmer, and that big fat Polynesian chick who throws that steel ball- these are the role models for our future sporting heroes. We are aiming for our students to bring home 6 golds from the Olympics in 2012 and about 20 from the Commonwealth's in 2014."
Meanwhile former softball first-baseman and captain Mati Sorrenson is recovering in hospital having instinctively attempted a catch during the hammer throw event. When asked about Mr Hill's new sporting broom Mati said that the man was obviously a sporting genius. "Trouble is like all brilliant men he will get lots of flash job offers and so he'll move on. There's a rumour that he is off to coach the underwater hockey team in Darfur. He'll be real good there."

Nicholas Hill : sporting genius

$320m COULD BRING WORLD CUP TO MOENUI

In an announcement that has stunned the community, the Moenui Domain groundsman Rob Fisher yesterday released a $320 million plan to transform the town reserve into a world class sports facility. The announcement, which was made from the Fisher’s ride-on tractor, brought gasps of excitement and then applause from an invited audience.

Original plans for a domain upgrade had been costed at around $3200 but Fisher said that the time was ripe to make a bold investment in the future.

“Sure we are a town of only 475 people, but what a special town and what special people we are. This is a one-off opportunity to create a legacy for future generations. Our children deserve the best rugby and cricket facility that money can buy, one that is truly world class.”

The upgraded Domain will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said.

The long-time groundsman believes that Government and corporates will come in behind the plan when they realise that the facility will be available as a back-up ground for Rugby World Cup Games in 2011. “It’s a new concept at the top level but back-up grounds are common at lower grades,” said Fisher. “Just listen to the cancellations on radio on a Saturday morning. They are always re-scheduling games to other grounds. Imagine being able to shift a test-match from Jade Stadium when they have a pea-souper, or when Auckland has another week of torrential rain. Here in the winterless north there’ll be corker weather guaranteed.”

Locals were quick to support the plan. 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis said she couldn’t wait for the World Cup to come to Moenui and she and a group of mates had already started working on a cheer-leader routine. “I know it’s not definite yet but this could be our big chance,” she said. Her boyfriend Mike “eminem” Moore thought it was a ‘choice idea.’
“I reckon this could put Moenui on the map. I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it.”

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

STREAK CAUSES OUTRAGE

Lisa Lewis' streak during a local rugby match has brought a storm of criticism from local residents including some members of her family and her ex-boyfriend. Lewis who ran 13 naked laps of the Moenui South domain while the players packed a scrum was eventually apprehended and escorted from the pitch by her mother who beat her thighs with an umbrella. Hilda Lewis was heard to say "Bloody typical. Here you are showing your skinny white bum to the whole town and you haven't even got the sausage rolls in the oven for the aftermatch function."

Lisa's father Louis Lewis was clearly embarrassed when speaking at the aftermatch where the sausage rolls were tepid. After thanking the referee for allowing the game to flow Mr Lewis explained his daughters behaviour by saying she had spent some time living in Tauranga recently. "The sooner Winston gets back in control of that place the better," he said.

Meanwhile Lisa's auctioning of the Ug boots she wore during her streak has brought criticism from younger sister Melodie-Ann. "They were my boots which she borrowed and never returned the fat slag," said a clearly disgruntled Ms Lewis. "She looked bloody ridiculous in them too."
A Herald investigation has found that the autographed pink Ug boots were sold for $24.95 to an anonymous dairy-farmer looking for something warm to wear at winter milkings.

In a further sensational development, Lisa Lewis' gilted boyfriend Larry "the Lion" Upton has claimed that the breasts Lisa displayed during her streak may not be her own. "They certainly weren't that big when she was dating me," said Upton who said he had come forward with the information reluctantly. "I don't want to spoil Lisa's moment in the sun but I think the public has a right to know that things are not what they seem."

In a pay-and tell interview with the Herald Lisa explained that she is "really just a shy country girl" and that her streak was one of a list of things she wants to do before she dies. Included in the list are the wish to write a metaphysical novel and the desire to have Rodney Hide's baby.
"He was way cool on Dancing with the Stars. Sexy yet vulnerable."








Lisa Lewis talking to our reporter

HAKA CHANGE SHOCK ANNOUNCED

In a shock move Moenui South Premieres rugby coach Kiriti Moira today announced that the team would unveil a new haka when they take on the visiting Moenui North team on Saturday. For as long as locals can remember Moenui South has done the traditional “Ka mate Ka mate” haka prior to matches but come Saturday they will start with what Moira is calling “a more inclusive, aroha -filled haka”

“Lets face it” Moira said today, “Kamate is out of date. Seriously, in the 21^st century should we be curtain-raising a sporting event with a war-dance that talks about death and insults the opposition by calling them hairy buggers?”

Moira, who has coached the South team to numerous titles says that the team decided to change things during a bonding exercise at the Masonic Hotel Sports Bar on Sunday evening.

“Some of the boys had been at the play-centre working bee earlier in the day and got talking about the divisions in the world; you know between different cultures and the like. Well bugger me if they didn’t suggest we should do our bit to build a better world by changing our traditional haka and so we kind of work-shopped it. I reckon we’ve come up with something that reflects the awakening we are going through here in Moenui."

Though Moira would not reveal details of the new haka the Kiwi Herald can reveal that Saturday’s opponents will include an apology for the infamous tackle that sidelined Northern captain “Paddy” Field in last years match-up. As a finale the North team will be invited to participate in a joint haka that challenges the crowd to have a good time.