COUNCILLORS FACT FINDING TOUR WELL WORTH IT

Moenui Councillor Penny Sefuiva held a full council meeting spell-bound yesterday when she reported back on her recent rate-payer funded fact-finding tour of Europe.
Councillors expressed astonishment when Mrs Sefuiva reported her findings which included evidence that Finns eat reindeer stew while Swedes like pickled herring.
"Gosh, " said a clearly amazed Cr. Vern Walsh. "If I hadn't heard it from Penny herself I would not have believed it. I was also blown away by the fact that the Swiss army knife was first used by the Swiss army who- get this- didn't even fight in World War 2."
Councillors were treated to a slide show showing the joys of business class air-travel by Mrs Sefuiva and all agreed that the service was well worth the extra cost.
At the end of the report Mayor Richard Hubberd thanked Mrs Sefuiva saying he had particularly enjoyed the pictures from Norway that proved "...once and for all that lemmings don't mass suicide from cliffs. It is something I have long suspected," said the Mayor.
The Council then adjourned for a cup of tea and hot crumpets with lashings of golden syrup.

LEAGUE ELIGIBILITY CRISIS SOLVED

The governing body of Rugby League has put an end to the eligibility disputes that dog the game, by declaring that for future test matches between Australia and New Zealand the two team captains will 'pick-up' for teams from all the players gathered.
In a move described by Australian League chief David Gallop as 'a return to schoolyard traditions' the captain who wins a single round of rock, paper, scissors will get to choose a team-mate first and then "it they'll take turn-about until someone is stuck with Manu Vatuvai as the last choice."
"It makes sense really," said Gallop. "Half of our lot are Maori anyway and you've got a good portion who've played for Samoa, the Cooks and Tonga- not to mention a couple of skippies."
"Mind you we've got one player who's captained Lebanon and another who has played for us, you then us again."
"I say lets stop the arguing and get on with the game."
The solution was announced after a day of tense negotiation, prompted by the selection of Queensland-born Nathan Fien for the Kiwi team on the basis that his Great Grandmother once visited Wanganui.
Insiders say negotiations were at times heated with NZ spokesman Sel Pearson telling the Australian Rugby League, "Don't talk grandparents to me you bunch of hypocrites. Fifty years ago the grandparents of all our players and around half of yours wouldn't have got in the door of an Aussie League Club bar far less been selected for a national team."
Mr Pearson later apologised saying the outburst had come in the heat of emotion as had his threat that NZ would boycott the Sydney Olympics if the Kiwis were docked points for playing Fien.
Meanwhile the Australian Rugby League is rumoured to have hired a number of bookies to research into odds for Rock, Paper Scissors.

TYPICAL MAORI HAS 43% PAKEHA NOSE

A New Zealand geneticist has found that the average Maori is 43 percent European and that some three percent have Jewish connexions, 'making it quite possible someone in Moenui is related to Jesus.'
Dr Rod Lea's findings are based on nose measurements of 10,000 Maori and a similar number of pakeha. The system, known as proboscal categorisation, was first used by German scientists during the nineteen thirties, and has been refined and extended by Dr Lea. Using the technique Dr Lea measures nostril width and nose-bone shape to map an individual's racial heritage.
"A true Maori nose is as different from a classic Anglo-Saxon hooter as that is from a Jewish schnoz. Using our technique we can determine where an individual figures on the racial spectrum."
Meanwhile social commentators are excited by the finding.
"Take Waitangi Treaty claims," sociologist Dr. Dennis Brash told the Kiwi Herald. "In the typical situation a Maori person with a treaty grievance will now be able to negotiate directly with the European part of themselves, cutting out the middle man. I imagine the cost of treaty settlements should fall appreciably."
Educationalist Howard Fancypants sees advantages for parents. "Early proboscal analysis of children will help parents decide what their youngster is likely to excel at. Parents will be able to decide whether to buy their child a guitar and a football for their third birthday or perhaps an abacus and a subscription to Easybuy magazine."
However Moenui Commentator Frank Lush was less effusive in his praise for the innovation. Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel Lush commentated that "Next thing some egg-head will be wanting to tell you your whakapapa by measuring your penis, or God help us by doing a blood test."
A German scientist measures noses in the 1930's

MADONNA BUYS AFRICAN FASHION ACCESSORY

Madonna returned to England last night, the darker tones of her newly adopted Malawian baby perfectly complimenting her porcelain skin and pink handbag. The Queen of pop, who has spent the past week in Africa, told awaiting media she was excited that in getting her new baby she was able to draw attention to poverty in Malawi.
"Not since David Livingstone visited Malawi in 1859 has their been so much interest in the country," the trend-setting Madonna told the Kiwi Herald. "Back then he was able to help the people by pointing out the evils of the slave trade. I just hope that I can help fight poverty by beginning a traffic in children."
Madonna said that she felt as though she had been called to Africa. "Brad and Angelina drew the world's eyes to Africa by having their baby there. I think I have gone one step further by getting my baby from Africa. I think there is some spiritual design in the fact that my new baby is named David just like the the great English explorer."

BRASH SAYS QUEEN NOT ENGLISH

Moenui ethnologist Don Brash said today that Queen Elizabeth could call herself English if she wanted to but 'everyone knows her family are a bunch of Krauts.'
"I have no problem with Queen Elizabeth identifying herself as English in fact I applaud it, but quite frankly she's about as English as Tariana Turia is Maori. She's a Saxe-Coburg from way back with more Frederick-Wilhelms in her family tree you could shake a stick of sauerkraut at. What's more the father of her kids is a Greek."
Dr Brash's comments were part of an opinion piece sent to the Kiwi Herald to clarify his earlier statements about race in New Zealand. In those comments Dr Brash maintained that Maori were not indigenous to New Zealand and that there are few if any real Maori left.
"The point I am making is that we all need to forget this race mumbo-jumbo and get on with being New Zealanders. Look at the British royal family. They've made a real effort to be English even though they're not." At this point Dr Brash explained the racial background of the Windsors before going on to say that 'of course there are differences in society' but this did not give some people rights to special treatment.
"People who choose to call themselves Maori also like to smoke cigarettes. It's one of those facts of life. They also choose not to become lawyers but like to play for the All Blacks. That doesn't mean however that there should be a special health system for them or a special education system so that they can get into law school. Imagine if we had special assistance for white New Zealanders to become All-Blacks. It wouldn't be fair."
Dr Brash then went on to say that in that the Royal family didn't demand special rights because they were German. "The Queen doesn't ask for Government-funded anger management or conflict resolution because Germans have a propensity to start world wars. No she just puts up with her shambles of a family."

BROWN BROTHER TO BE INVESTIGATED OVER GIFTS

Moenui Country Councillor Peter Brown was defending himself today against charges of receiving gifts from constituents, saying that the light aircraft and Mercedes Benz delivered to his house this morning were Fathers Day presents.
Mr Brown who has a pet Labrador but no children, said that the gifts had come from constituents who regard him as a "father figure - and rightfully so."
"There are a lot of fatherless people out there in the community, people who have tragically lost their Dad or sometimes never known him. Hell, it's only natural that in their search for a dad-figure they turn to a leader and provider like myself."
Mr Brown reacted angrily to suggestions that accepting of gifts from constituents was not appropriate saying "It's always the Brown boys who get it in the neck isn't it? What about that skinny four-eyes bugger who leads the National Party. Jeez those scarf wearers gave him a million smackers in koha and what happenened? Bugger all that's what."
Local policeman Frank Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald that he would look into the matter of Mr Brown's gifts. Speaking from a Fathers Day Barbeque where he was enjoying a couple of crayfish supplied by grateful citizens the Constable commented that "I've arranged to meet with Mr Brown. We'll be taking a spin in the Cesna and I'll be asking him the hard questions."
The investigation into Peter Brown's activities follows an earlier police inquiry in 2005 when Mr Brown signed an original Colin Macahon with his own name and gifted it to a school fete. On that occasion the Councillor was cleared of intentional wrong-doing after he explained that "the picture was obviously one Col had dashed off when he was on the piss. Honestly it was just black and white shapes with a whole heap of words scrawled over it. He would have been embarrassed as hell to know that somebody was selling it. I put my name on it to cover for the miserable old joker."

UN Troops to occupy Grammar Zone

(Scoop from Kete Were)
As fighting continues in the disputed Grammar Zone of Aukland, the UN Security Council last night passed a motion to install a peace-keeping force in the troubled region. ...Read On

IRANIAN LEADER CALLS NZ MP "GOOD JOKER"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today described National MP Bob Clarkson as a 'really good joker' and 'a laugh a minute.'
Responding to the Tauranga MP's comments that 'Islam religion-type people' who wore burqas 'could be crooks hiding guns and should go back to Islam or Iraq,' the President said that he had a good giggle when he read the comment and he was sure members of Islamic Jihad had also.
"No one could possibly believe that anyone with half a brain could make such comments except as a joke," said the President, "and quite clearly the New Zealand people would not elect a - how you say - a half-wit to represent them. Personally I haven't laughed so much since MP Bob told the one about impaling his left testicle on the barbed-wire fence."

The 'take me as you find me' Mr Clarkson made the statements to the Dominion Post and then eleborated on them when he hosted the 'Good Jokers Unite Night' in Upper Hutt a few days later. Before an adoring and jolly crowd of 'jokers' and 'the odd shiela,' Clarkson said that when he sees women in burqas walking down the street he wonders whether there could be a terrorist gang or a whole family of illegal immigrants hiding under the garment.
"Clearly allowing these so-called women to wear these tents is dangerous," said Clarkson, "Besides it's not the Kiwi way is it? Who ever heard of 'Burqas on Bikes?"
To a rising tide of laughter, applause and shouts of "Give it to 'em Bob," Clarkson turned his attention to the Government MPs, describing them as "liars, cheats and bloody crooks." He hastily withdrew a further comment that they were, "bum bandits, cross-dressers and assassins of businessmen," saying the terms had "slipped in there accidentally while I was in full voice."

Responding to a question from the floor about gay rights Clarkson said, "I've got nothing against homosexuals and lebanese as long as they're doing it in their own house. I'm with the Israelis on this one. Once they start to try and spread their preferences into other countries and kidnap normal heterosexual soldiers the Jews have to make a stand."
"Let me tell you if those homos try to ram it down my throat, look out," he said to shouts of "Bloody oath."
Mr Clarkson later refused to elaborate on what he meant by the statement telling the Kiwi Herald reporter to "keep it decent."

Meanwhile, Chris Finlayson, National's only gay MP, said he agreed with everything Clarkson had said and would be staying home in future.

PAKEHA CARRY 'LOVE GENE'

A day after a genetic scientist announced that Maori carry a ‘Warrior gene’ another scientist has revealed that people of European descent are carriers of a gene that promotes caring. The gene which has been labeled ‘the gene of love’ pre-disposes those who have it to ‘be motivated by feelings of kindness and love of humanity.’
The brilliant Moenui scientist Joe Mengele, who specializes in the breeding of finches, has been ‘mapping the human genome as a hobby for about sixteen weeks’ made his claim when speaking on Radio Moenui to ace interviewer Katherine Ryan.
Mr Mengele told Ms Ryan that “historically the survival of Christianity was really down to the existence of the ‘gene of love’ in European peoples. They were predisposed to take on Christ’s teachings and take it to the world. In doing so they also shared with other peoples the benefits of Western technology and political economy.”
Despite the laser-like questioning of Katherine Ryan Mr Mengele was able to explain away apparent contradictions. “The horrors of colonialism, the slave trade and the apparent propensity of Europeans to indulge in genocide involving the death of millions even in the current century, can be explained as a hyperactive love gene. “As we all know you can have too much of a good thing, and too much caring can result in rogue behaviours. Dedication to socialism for instance is a consequence of caring for your fellow man to a dangerous level. Stalin cared deeply for the welfare of his people, so much so that he found it necessary to exterminate 30 million of them. The current booming sex slave industry in Europe is an indicator of a society that loves too much.”

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can report that in response to yesterday’s report that Maori are carriers of the ‘Warrior gene’ Cullen Sports has begun a ‘fire sale’of league players to English clubs and has signed an agreement with several iwi who will supply replacement players to the New Zealand Warriors franchise.