"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD

In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of The Kiwi Herald is demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive.
A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline Democracy Under Attack and reappeared in the Kiwi Herald later in the day with an even more striking banner-
"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"
The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."
"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"
The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.
Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.

The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel

FLOOD RELIEF PACKAGE 'LIKE XMAS'

A flood relief package for the recently ravaged North announced today by Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker is being keenly anticipated by Moenui residents.

The large plain brown paper package is believed to contain a signed photograph of Team NZ members in sunny Valencia and a CD of a Libretti composed especially by NZ artist Stuart Hoare who is currently enjoying a French summer as the Catherine Mansfield fellow. The Libretti, entitled "Drowning in Sunshine" is described as being 'uplifting in a smug kind of way.'
"This will be a real pick-me-up," craft shop owner Dot Cossey told the Herald. "A parcel from Mr Barker will be such a relief. It will be just like Xmas."

Also included in the package is free entry to the District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses which boasts a section on "dealing with life's difficult problems."

That "just sounds made-to-order for us," said Mrs Cossey.

Meanwhile sources close to Cabinet say that at the eleventh hour Government abandoned plans for 100 lucky recipients of the package to receive a personal phone-call from Conservation Minister David Benson-Pope in which he would "provide encouraging advice about future prospects."

TAMAKI, TAITO OFFERED CABINET POSTS

John Key today offered Bishop Brian Tamaki a Cardinalship should the Destiny New Zealand Party join the Key led Government following the next election. The move came shortly after the National Party leader stunned observors by saying that he was prepared to appoint a Green Party member as Minister for the Environment in exchange for that party's support.

Announcing the offer, the increasingly warm and inclusive Mr Key said that he could work with anyone. "Make me Prime Minister and I will make everyone happy," he smiled. He then went on to announce a possible cabinet line-up that included the following members of other parties should they agree to join his Government:

Taito Philip Field (Party yet to be named) -Minister of Immigration

Jim Anderton (Progressive) -Minister in Charge of the Reserve Bank

Winston Peters (NZ First) - Minister in charge of Overseas Travel

Tariana Turia (Maori Party) - Minister for De-Colonisation

Mihael Appelby (Legalise Cannabis Party) - Minister of Mental Health

Graeme Cairns (McGillicuddy Serious Party) - Minister for Scottish Devolution

CLARK, KEY FORM GOVT OF NATIONAL UNITY

The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition today announced the formation of a Government of National Unity after earlier coming to an agreement over the controversial Child Discipline Bill.
In a move that has stunned political analysts Helen Clarke announced that National and Labour will continue to work together to "advance the interests of good parents and good children everywhere -and all the other good people too."
A beaming Mr Key told reporters: "It seems so right that we should continue our new found common-cause this way."
Describing the moment when the leaders agreed to form the new Government Mr Key said that "after we had agreed on the smacking bill we went to shake hands and for a wonderful moment our eyes met. It was as though we both knew, at that instant, that our differences didn't matter anymore. In a sudden outpouring of emotion I began to say to Helen that we should unite as one, but she interrupted me and said 'John, I know. For the peoples sake let us now walk side-by-side.'
In the new spirit of co-operation Miss Clark and John Key will chair Cabinet "week and week about" while Michael Cullen and Bill English have already found a "lovely little bachelor pad to share."
Meanwhile Catherine Rich has apparently promised to give Sue Bradford some make-up tips before the two celebrate by 'hitting the dress stores.'

Taking their lead from the Child Correction amendment both major parties have agreed to withdraw the whip except in inconsequential cases such as "when Steve Maharey says a rude word or Brian Connel is a little bit naughty." Miss Clark hastily added that they would "just receive a light tap, and quite an inconsequential one at that," while Mr Key said the whip would be applied lovingly.

POLICE LOLLY SCANDAL DEEPENS

Less than 24 hours after a spokesman for Brad Shipton described a complaint from a woman of sexual exploitation by policeman as "pathetic" and "like asking for your lolly back," Moenui police station was under siege today by locals demanding sweets.
Moenui constable Frank Tawhai locked the doors to the police station and refused to come out as hoards of people of all ages sought the return of jelly beans, jaffas and scorched almonds gifted to the officer over several years.
"Hand back the all day suckers you sick bastard," shouted grandmother Enid Nodd as she shook her fist at the station window. Like many others Mrs Nodd has been outraged at a videotape that is circuulating in the community showing Constable Tawhai and policemen from nearby towns indulging in an orgy of sweet-eating. "Good Lord what kind of perversity can bring grown men to indulge in this sort of behaviour where they use doughnuts as handcuffs and flake bars as police batons," said Mrs Nodd.
14 year old Student Council Chair Melodie-Ann Lewis was at the police station to demand the return of two packets of Hubbabubba she gave to constable Tawhai when she was 13 years old.
"Back then I thought he was way cool aye," said Ms Lewis. "But now I just feel used. He wasn't interested in me. All he wanted was my bubblegum. Him and his sick cop mates."

Meanwhile it is expected that the Bazley report on police culture, expected to be released any day, will document a steady decline in police fitness over recent years as more and more have succumbed to the tempatations of a high sugar diet, particularly when offered by attractive young women.

BUSH PANICS UNDER PM'S STARE

President George W Bush this morning achieved an 'achieved' in NCEA level one Geography during a tough oral examination under the stealy gaze of Prime Minister Helen Clark who acted as supervisor. A clearly panicked President (see picture above) appeared to be thrown by the withering stare of the New Zealand PM but managed to remember a number of places on the international map. Remembering to mention the South Pacific 'where Hawaii Five O is,' seemed to clinch a favourable result, bringing a hint of a smile to the lips of the supervisor.
White House circles later commented that Mr Bush had heard tales of Ms Clark's disciplining of members of her own Government and was 'feeling a little nervous before the test but went into a bit of a panic when the Prime Minister mentioned that the anti-smacking bill had not become law yet.'

AUCKLAND 'QUAKE' NO-BALLED

Civil Defence experts were today denying that Auckland had experienced three earthquakes yesterday saying that the shakes which had people running into the streets had been caused by an epidemic of chest-beating following NZ's 3-0 victory over Australia in the cricket.
"There is absolutely no evidence of siesmic activity," GNS seismologist Bryan Field told the Herald. "We do however have a flurry of reports of testosterone-filled males chest-thumping and banging on about what a great little country we are. Such unbridled enthusiasm can be de-stabilising."
Meanwhile insiders report that the Prime Minister chaired a particularly unruly cabinet meeting yesterday as excited male Ministers re-lived the glory of the Blackcaps famous victory. Parekura Horamia was so excited he was twice chastised for attempting to "hoist little Peter Dunne over the boundary for six" while a newly enthused Sports Minister Trevor Mallard had to be dissuaded from bidding to host the 2014 Winter Olympics on an iceberg off the Otago coast.

'RED BUMS GOOD' SAYS MP

Standing outside parliament under a banner announcing "Red bum good, blue bum bad," National MP Chester Burrows today attempted to explain his amendment to the "anti-smacking bill'' saying that he wanted to outlaw bad smacking while encouraging the kind of smacking that was 'part of the great kiwi tradition; the stinging red bum delivered with love'
"Like thousands of New Zealanders I look back with fond memories of a hot bottom. It was always transitory and trifling, usually after a Sunday roast when Mum had poured more sherry into herself than into the trifle itself and us kids were keeping her from her nap. She would give our bare bums a good paddling, all the time weeping and saying how much she loved us. Far from being the cruel and degrading treatment that Sue Bradford is on about it brought us closer together. These days if I get a touch of sunburn or a sting from a wasp I'm immediately awash in a flood of loving memories of family life."
Using a colour chart Mr Burrows went on to explain the varieties of redness that were acceptable under his amendment saying that "where the redness is from blood, Mum has probably gone too far and no sherry has made it into the trifle."
The MP, whose amendment is expected to pass said that where the child was blue or black or even dead from smacking prosecution was often in order.

Left: Chester Burrows with young supporters.

POOR PEOPLE FALL THROUGH CRACKS AGAIN

Police and ambulance staff were called to the dead end McGehan Close this morning after an elderly woman and her grandchild fell into council footpath workings, giving credence to the Prime Minister's observation that "some people are still falling through the cracks."

Constable Frank Tawhai who attended the incident said that the task of rescuing the woman and the child from their predicament was made 'extra difficult because like most poor folk the pair were completely cluelesss about how to climb ladders.'
"Frankly," Constable Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald "the problem is getting out of hand. I'm spending more and more time trying to get hopeless people out of cracks instead of focusing on counter-terrorism and team policing exercises involving young women."
The old woman and the child were eventually coaxed out of the crack with a promise of an all-expenses-paid trip to Waitangi and a feature article in the NZ Womens Weekly.

MPS SENT HOME UNTIL THE PAY UP

Large numbers of MPs were today sent home with a note to their electorate committees saying that they could not return to the House until public money owed for the last election campaign is paid. The move from Speaker Margaret Wilson comes just a few days after Fielding Principal Roger Menzies barred students from the school who owed it money. That move sparked loud protests and then an influx of money.
Margaret Wilson told the Kiwi Herald that she expects the money to "arrive in fairly rapidly, especially since the others will be livid at the prospect of John Key taking over as Head Boy."
Ms Wilson said that she expected a similar reaction to news that Tau Henare and Jerry Brownlie were now 'lords of the tuck-shop' while Katherine Rich and Jackie Blue had taken to lounging brazenly on the Government front-benches.

HUNGRY KIDS SUSPECTED OF DEVOURING CLASS-MATE

The town of Moenui was thrown into panic this morning when a five year old on his first day at school was lost and presumed eaten by classmates. The alarm was raised when little Simon Widget failed to answer to his name at morning roll-call and the teacher noticed that the perennially hungry Thomas 'the tank' Tupaea was sitting quietly on the mat in an apparently satisfied state.
New Entrant teacher Miss Beryl Stanwyck immediately rushed to the staff-room and called the police who threw up a cordon around the school and began a search.
"Thomas is one of the 15,000 New Zealand children who turns up to school hungry every day," teacher Miss Stanwyck explained to the Kiwi Herald. "We have another dozen or so at Moenui who are in that category and some days we can't teach them until they've chewed through a handful of pencils and the odd copy of 'The Very Hungry Caterpiller.' Thomas in particular has an unsatiable appetite. He once ate all the juniors' packed lunches as payment for making farty noises all through an ERO visit to our room."
However the crisis of the lost new entrant was resolved at 10am this morning when Simon Widget was delivered to school. His mother apologised to Miss Stanwyck for his lateness explaining that she had read the report of 15000 hungry children being expected at school and insisted that Simon eat a second bowl of Weetbix and stewed fruit. Simon apparently spent the next hour in the bathroom.

MADONNA TO ADOPT KIWI CHILD

Madonna was last night on her way to New Zealand in the hope of adopting a child from McGehan Close. The star, who famously adopted a Malawian child recently, is believed to be one of several overseas celebrities who have been inspired to adopt "a poor little brown child like the one National Party leader John Key has adopted."
An obviously delighted Mr Key appeared at Waitangi yesterday with 12 year old Aroha Ireland at his side. He had apparently gained agreement from the girl's parents to rescue her from the 'deadend' of McGehan Close in a desperate attempt to break the cycle of hoplessness her family is caught in.
The girl's mother told the Kiwi Herald that she "thought the bike we bought Aroha for xmas was pretty flash but when I saw John Key turn up in the government limo I agreed it was hopeless. I'm just stoked now that Aroha is going to join the overclass at Waitangi."
Many visitors to the Waitangi celebrations commented that they thought Mr Key and Aroha looked lovely together though some enquired whether there was any truth to the rumour that the girl was Mr Key's new wife from Singapore.

Not all locals were happy however. One disgrunted local said the sight of politicians with children on their arms reminded him of the time Titiwhai Harawira dragged the Prime minister around Waitangi a few years back 'like she was a toi moko - a preserved tattooed head.'

Meanwhile Kiwi Herald investigations are unable to confirm whether Woody Allen was sighted a McGehan Close yesterday seeking to adopt a young Asian girl.

LABOUR TO RETURN STOLEN ELECTION

In a major about-face the Labour Government today announced it would 'return the stolen election of 2006' to Don Brash along with several thousand dollars of taxpayers money mis-spent in the election, and $12.23 owed on an unpaid bar-tab at Bellamy's.
The extraordinary announcement was reported by The New Zealand Herald yesterday and quoted a source close to the Prime Minister as saying Ms Clarke is furious that 'the whole affair of the unpaid bar tab is sullying the reputation of a proud Labour party' and that she had decided that it was best to 'own up to whatever needed owning up to.'
However, The Herald could not confirm rumours that Ruth Dyson will soon admit that the unpaid bar tab is hers, nor could it verify that former Minister Marion Hobbes was preparing to take the rap for the loss of the Rugby World Cup in 2003, admitting that she had 'lost the will to keep in shape about the same time the All blacks lost their way.'

Meanwhile the National Party has been flung into disarray by the news. Don Brash who is holidaying at the tax-payers' expense in Las Vegas could not be reached at the Playboy Club, but sources close to John Key said that the Labour Party could not 'retrospectively return the stolen election to Don.'
"John Key is the new man at the helm and so the election should go to him," said one source. "Don's gone and this is another cheap stunt from the Socialists. We'll be asking the Auditor General to investigate"
In an un-related report McGehan Close house-painter Hepi Hohaia today reported the theft of his step-ladder, claiming that the last time he saw it was "when that John Key fella was in the neighbourhood talking about how you needed to climb up the social ladder. Now bugger me if my best long-ladder hasn't gone. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, but if you put two and two together you'd be hard pressed to come up with Don Brash as the answer."

UNDERCLASS TELL POLITICIANS TO STAY AWAY

Residents in McGehen Close in Moenui were today pleading that gangs of marauding politicians leave them alone. The calls came after National Party leader John Key identified the "dead end street" as one the Prime Minister should join him in visiting.

"Please stay away," said Will Ilolahiah "It is tough enough bringing up kids here without these gangs of the over-class turning up to stage their turf wars. Let them do it in their own streets I say. They're a bad influence. Already we have impressionable kids here picking up on John Key's suggestions about what makes you underclass. Just last night someone smashed some rungs on my step ladder and then tried to smoke my neighbours P class yacht. The thing's completely buggered."

Meanwhile local residents expressed anger that the Prime Minister had described the 'underclass' as shrinking.

"That's bloody nonsense mate. She should stick to talking about her own," one man told our reporter. "Look at who makes up the scrum of the school first fifteen. It's our boys. Those skinny white kids from the posh streets don't get a look in."

MINIMUM WAGE RISE CAUSES MAXIMUM HAVOC

Retailers yesterday reported a sudden spike in the sale of new Holdens, Lion Red beer and reports of neglected children, following the Government's announcement of a rise in the minimum wage.
The Government move to increase minimum hourly pay rates from $10.25 to $11.25 has also sent several thousand small businesses to the wall, according to Business Round Table Chair Roger Kerr.
Meanwhile educationist John Kirkland said that increasing the rewards for people for working in 'lousy jobs' removed the incentive for them to better themselves.
"I'm predicting a shortage of entrepeneurs, bankers and tax lawyers in a few years," said Dr Kirkland. "Night cleaning and Hamburgerology will become the chosen professions of a generation of teenagers."

RICH PERSON DENIES STEALING BRASH EMAILS

National Party front-bencher Katherine Rich is denying she stole Don Brash's emails and gave them to Nicky Hagar. The denial comes after Richard Prebble claimed that 'a rich person with a grudge against Dr Brash' stole the now infamous emails.
Ms. Rich who recently changed her name to Katherine Moderately-Well-Off in solidarity with new leader and state-house boy John Key, told the Kiwi Herald
that claims by Richard Prebble that 'a rich person with a grudge against Dr Brash stole his emails' had nothing to do with her. She says that a police search of her office found no trace of emails nor any Thai overstayers.

THINGS NEVER BETTER FOR POOR

GUEST COLUMNIST

Here's a bit of Christmas cheer. Planet Earth is not, contrary to Nicholas Stern, Al Gore and acolytes, ending in a boil-up. In fact as Roger and Me, and a few our friends were saying over a champers and strawberry breakfast just today "things have never looked better, especially since I married the fabulously wealthy Rog."
This has been confirmed in a book by acclaimed American economist Indur Goklany entitled The Improving State of Deborah's World

In this country it will be dismissed as rubbish, especially by those on the extreme left, but in a sensible analysis Goklany shows that global warming is in reality a fantastic opportunity to embrace the long summers of our childhood. Sure it may get warmer "exacerbating existing problems, such as malaria, coastal flooding and habitat loss" but this will be compensated by opportunities "to wear colourful bikinis and enjoy iced tea for longer periods of the the year."
Personally I doubt the veracity of the global warming doom-saying. Sure there have been an extraordinary number of ice-bergs floating past Lyttleton freighters and many hurricanes and floods but I, for one, was known in our district as the flood baby. Born in February 1953, when central Hawke's Bay roads were washed out my mother was like Mrs Elephant on Noah's Ark when it came to getting to a maternity hospital. No one, on either occasion, mentioned global warming!

And speaking of babies, Goklany's book says it's never been a better time to grow up poor. There's been a dramatic rise in living standards for these kids. Sure, growing up in colourful Soweto or in the vibrant slums of Mombai may be squalid, and sentence you to an early death from AIDS, but there was never a time like now when you could watch The Apprentice free-to-air or thrill at the prospect of a visit from Bono or Madonna at any-time involving a photo-op or even a celebrity adoption.

And if you want proof here's some statistics: in poor countries, the daily intake of calories per person has increased by 38 per cent since the 1960s to an average of 2666 calories per day. Now doesn't that make you oh-so-suspicious of all those photos of waifs from Darfur and the Congo? I mean what are they doing with the calories? Selling them on the stock exchange? Everyone knows how fashionable it is for kids these days to throw-up their breakfast so they can get on the cover of Pavement Magazine but hell someone needs to take the parents of those kids to task.

This book, from the previews I have seen, should be required reading for every New Zealand politician over their Christmas break. Roger and Me, (or is that Roger and I?) will be reading it together on boxing day after we feed the left-over turkey to the cats.

KEY'S 'ROOTS' TO BE PUBLISHED

John Key's 'return to his roots' to present an Orewa style defining speech is to be documented by Alex Haley Jr and published as a non-fiction work entitled "Roots NZ : The Journey of Kunta Key."
The National Party leader announced yesterday that rather than make his new years' speech in Orewa he would return to Burnside
Haley whose father wrote the original 'Roots' is excited by Key's story which he says has remarkable similarities to the story his father told of an African American man's odessey to find his origins in the tropical forests of the Gambia.
The National Party leader's book is expected to include tales of Key's years as a strong young warrior in the state house jungle of Burnside, before his transportation into the world of commerce, where against great odds he carved out a distinguished career, eventually becoming the leader of the great NZ political party.
The book will also reveal how Key never lost the dream of searching back through his history to re-discover the legacy he lost and in doing so reforge his bonds with the 'ordinary Kiwi Battler.'

SMOKING MP OFFERS APOLOGY

A National Party health spokesman, who set fire to a corporate box while smoking 'P', says he has "learnt some valuable lessons about public life".
Dr Jonathan Coleman, a former GP and National's mental health spokesman, attracted a barrage of criticism after lighting-up in the exclusive corporate box at U2's Auckland concert last weekend, immolating a number of well-heeled fans and causing Bono to abandon the hit 'Fire', mid-song.
Yesterday, Dr.Coleman told The Kiwi Herald that in hindsight he would "do things differently and stick to the smoked seafood platter rather than smoking the 'P' pipe which had been handed him 'by a man with an uncanny resemblance to a former party leader.'
Dr. Coleman said he was not a regular smoker and had 'never inhaled but this time things just got totally out of hand.'
"One moment I was taking the pipe and the next thing Bono was leading a National Party rally in a wall of flames. It was bloody marvellous."
The newly promoted Dr. Coleman told the Herald that he now accepted he had been a little niave and would not be accepting gifts from admiring constituents in the future.
Meanwhile National Party Leader John Key said: "Dr Coleman is a new MP, still learning to live his life under a microscope. Let's keep this in perspective."

PETERS TO GOVERN FIJI

Fiji will awake this morning to the news that Winston Peters has replaced Laisenia Qarase as Prime Minister of the island nation. Diplomatic sources revealed last night that the NZ Government had negotiated the deal with Commodore Voreqe Bainimarama, avoiding a coup and leaving the door open for Major Ron Mark to take control of the NZ First Party.

Insiders say that Winston Peters' record as an anti-corruption campaigner, especially his role in the Wine Box investigation were critical in persuading the Fijian military Commander to accept the Kiwi veteran politician as PM.

"I am a long-time admirer of Winston," said the Commander. We in the army are determined that Fiji has a clean-up and to paraphrase Winston himself, the current Prime Minister "has sat too long for any good he has been doing. Depart, we say."
"The time has come to take away that fool's bauble."

Commander Bainimarama, also expressed admiration for Mr Peters' suits, saying the NZ First leader 'never fails to pass muster.'

Sources close to Mr Peters say that he is looking forward to his new role which will be 'a little like keeping the peace amongst the factions of the National Party - but in a climate much more like Northland than Wellington.'