NCEA REVAMP NEEDS REVAMP

A revamp of the NCEA exam system was welcomed by Moenui Principal Hone Morris yesterday as 'meritorious and approaching excellent but failing to achieve some things.' Speaking exclusively to the Kiwi Herald after all other news outlets refused to take his call, Mr Morris commented that the new gradings gave schools a greater range of awards to make but more options needed to be added.

"The awarding of merits and excellents is grand for a few brain-boxes but there still need to be more options for your ordinary overgrown, slightly out-of control, garden-variety teens. As it stands most kids can only aspire to a 'not achieved' or an 'achieved.' What kind of choice is that? How can you possibly hope to motivate kids with bland and blander."

Mr Morris went on to list what he described as 'a range of nuanced awards for the average and very average students.' These awards would include average, distinctly average, all right, fair, fairish, moderate, passable and tolerable. For students who did not fare so well Mr Morris suggested replacing not achieved with "some awards that spell out just how badly they failed." These included abysmal, completely worthless, naff, complete and utter failure and loser.

TEN PERCENT OF SCHOOL CHILDREN STALLED

One in 10 children are troublesome at school because they are 'caught in a cognitive cul-de-sac and incapable of doing a three-point-turn' according to Massey College of Education researchers Dr John Kirkland and Dr David Bilmer. The pair came up with the explanation for school failure while checking the points and plugs on their jointly owned Mazda RX8.

"It came to us almost simultaneously," said Dr Kirkland. "The failure of the car to function properly because of dirty plugs and points mirrors the problems of so-called difficult kids. So many children suffer cognitive dissonance because of a difficult home life. Simply put their brains become clogged with the stresses and garbage of modern living preventing them from showing initiative, asking questions and processing information in the usual way."

But the researchers have a possible solution to the problem - restarting the brain so children regain their passion for learning.

"We've found that vigorous application of a wire brush to the cranial area of most children does the trick. In fact a significant number of children will suddenly become quite inquisitive immediately you approach them with a torque wrench."
Such "stalled children" suddenly start to ask questions like "What the hell is that for?" and "Can I use that thing to turn up the volume on my ipod?"

BOY BANKER REPORTS RECORD PROFITS

Seven year old Eric Lewis announced today that his First Playground Bank has achieved record profits in the last six months. The boy who began by investing lunch-money on behalf of classmates and moved on to establish the country's first 'Cash for Good Behaviour' scheme, insuring schools against student misdemeanours during ERO visits, made his CEO report while receiving Moenui school's prize for financial literacy.
Eric who is in the top maths group and owns his own calculator, told the special school assembly that as from next week the Principal's office would become the new First Playgroud Bank HQ, after a bail-out deal was negotiated with the financially-troubled Teachers' Social Club. Eric said the measure would give his Bank access to national school records thereby assisting "Playground's march towards globalisation." The assembly burst into prolonged applause when Eric said that the bail-out deal gave the Bank perpetual rights to place 'farty cushions' on teachers chairs before assembly.

In an exclusive interview over milk and vegemite sandwiches Eric outlined to the Kiwi Herald a series of recent promotions that have helped grow his business.
"People have good fun with the jigsaw puzzle bank statements and the 'pass-the-parcel revolving debt scheme' is an old favourite. But I was surprised that there was not much interest in my No Interest Loans promotion.
Meanwhile Eric's sister 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis told the Herald that "living with a 7 year old business tycoon is truly weird. He has got a 'Dragon's Den' sign on the door of his room wakes us all with the Business Report blaring and keeps telling us how bullish he feels. He's seven for God's sake. He doesn't even know what bulls do."

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL'S COMPUTER SHOCK

Moenui was gripped by a deepening sex-scandal today when a search of local teacher Jim Jenkinson's computer found more 'inappropriate images.' Last week the nearby Meka Valley School principal was censured by the school Board after an IT contractor found shocking images on his computer while attempting to extract a ham sandwich from the floppy drive. The images included 'scores of pictures of Bambi gambolling wantonly and about a thousand pictures of the Disney characters Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'

Board Chairman Paul Apperley told the Herald that while there was no law against having such images on a computer "everyone knows it is not appropriate for someone charged with the care of small children to be locked in his office looking at this stuff. You have to wonder what else he's been looking at don't you?"
The Chairman's question was answered today when the new search of the computer turned up three pictures of MP Ron Mark 'giving the finger.'
Mr Apperley said the Board was appalled that "the school's property was being used to down-load such filth and parents in the community are understandably despairing about the safety of their children."

BOYS' FAILURE AT SCHOOL 'OK' BY THEM

A survey of secondary school students has revealed a major change in boy's life aspirations that has social commentators startled. The Moenui survey which asked male students what they want to do when they grow up found that 44% of boys aged 13 to 18 want to marry a Prime Minister a Governor General or a Supreme Court Judge. Meanwhile only 30% of boys responded with the traditional answer that they wanted to get a job in the professions or a trade and to 'marry a girl with big tits.'
A further 7% of boys said their ambition was to 'play X box while the kids were at school' and a another 3% wanted to be porn stars.
The survey follows on a major report that shows females outstripping boys in secondary school and university success and in numbers enering the professions.
Retired Moenui sociologist Ewen Tremewen told the Kiwi Herald that the results showed a major swing in boy's priorities reflecting the societal trend of females replacing males as high achievers academically and in the professions.
"Basically the jury has come in early with the predictable verdict," said Tremewen. "While the statistics have been showing that girls and women are smarter and higher achievers boys have been adjusting their priorities accordingly. Males may indeed be scholastically inferior and less suited to the professional world but they know what side their bread is buttered on. Boys are seeing new opportunities opening up for them in a female dominated world.
Male students who spoke to the Kiwi Herald seemed to reinforce the sociologists analysis.
Year 13 student Neil Morrison believes that boys lack the abilities that are valued at school.
"There's no way us guys can compete anymore. Like, chicks can talk really good and learn lots of facts and write neatly and that's what is wanted at school and uni."
"Us boys are good at guys stuff like playing bull-rush and challenging convention. You know like asking the teacher why do we have to learn this shit and coming up with ideas for outrageous new video games."
Mike 'Eminem' Moore, a year 12 student, said that it was "sweet" that his girlfiend was getting good grades because he needed earning power behind him while he focused on "giving voice to truth and surfing the net."
"I mean seriously who wants to wear a suit and be a lawyer doing all that boring shit or a doctor looking at puss-filled ears all day. Seriously, why would you sit in some Uni lecture theatre all day when you could be doing something interesting."

CAT'S NCEA PASS DOCTORED

A Moenui cat named Oscar received an Excellent in NCEA level two Mathematics even though he had clearly not achieved to that level in the national qualification. The marking scandal emerged after Moenui Area School's Head of Maths Rory Barrett boasted to the Herald that "..if I wanted to I could get my cat through just about any internal standard of NCEA."
Upon further investigation the Herald found that the teacher's cat Oscar Barrett had been entered in the NCEA and had been awarded the excellent grade as well as "achieved" grades in physical education and Drama but that the pet's mathematics performance in tests and assignments was not up to standard.

When the Herald confronted Barrett with its findings the teacher reluctantly admitted that he had marked some of the cat's answers as correct when they clearly had been incorrect.
"Oscar's a heck of a nice cat," said the embarrassed Barrett. "After the tests he would look at me with such a plaintive expression that I had to ask myself 'am I going to ruin this tabby's career over a few stupid questions?' I couldn't do it so I asked him some other stuff he seemed to understand perfectly. I then adjusted his grade accordingly."
A re-marking of Oscar's work by NZQA moderators showed that the cat had not achieved beyond level one standard in algebra and geometry.
Meanwhile, investigations into Oscar's marks in Physical Education and Drama showed them to be entirely in order. His physical education teacher described the cat as being "an exceptionally talented gymnast and all-round athlete whose lack of theoretical knowledge prevented him from achieving an excellent."
Drama teacher Liz Bannoush described Oscar as a "method" actor at heart with "an extraordinary ability to physicalise emotion. "His Tennesee Williams presentation was without peer," said Bannoush. "Ï've never seen a student display such a deep understanding of the central themes in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
The marking scandal has caused a storm at the school and nationally. National Education spokesperson Bill English said that "the Minister in charge ought to be fed to the dogs."
"This case at Moenui could well be the tip of the iceberg," said Mr English. "I am following up on rumours that a Brookby budgerigar gained an excellent in Japanese and there is strong evidence that a goldfish in the north was awarded a merit grade in Philosophy. The fact that the award was made at a decile one school suggests something fishy."

Previous NCEA story

NCEA ROBS STUDENT OF WILL TO LEARN

Moenui teenager Mike ‘Eminem’ Moore today slammed NCEA claiming that when the new qualification was introduced he lost the will to learn. “Yeah Nah,” said ‘Eminem’ “As soon as they brought in that NCEA I just was prepared to be really average.”

Mike’s mother Eva agreed. “Michael was always such an inquisitive kid, always asking
why and how come, but since NCEA came on the scene he never asks any questions
except ‘Why do I have to go to that suck-ass school.”
She said that she worried that he unquestioningly adopted the fashions of hip-hop
culture and rap music. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him ask anything about the
historical and socio-cultural significance of hip-hop.”

Moore's girlfriend, 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis was asked by the Herald whether
she had ever heard ‘Eminem’ wonder aloud, “What effect is the appropriation and
exploitation of hip-hop forms by the media and the music industry having on the
ideological discource in authentic hip-hop milieaux?” After a short silence
Ms Lewis said she had not. 

Melodie-Ann, who chairs the Moenui Area School Student Council, said that she
knew ‘heaps’ of students who had been ‘robbed of their youth’ and their will to
‘achieve greatness’ by NCEA. “I know lots of excellent kids who have just got really
mediocre. Like it’s school holidays now and they’re all just … on holiday,” said
Melodie-Ann. 

Meanwhile Moenui school Principal Hone Morris said that NCEA needed a major
overhaul.
“From where I stand, which is currently overlooking the magnificent Mt Hutt ski-field,
NCEA stops high achievers wanting to achieve. The only reason we know they
are high achievers is because they sometimes tell us they are or they are from
Asian backgrounds.” 

Mr Morris went on to say that design flaws in the NCEA meant that students lost
their natural inclination to “attempt to answer really difficult questions rather than the
easy ones and study really hard subjects like bio-chemistry and Russian.”

The Principal said however that, "there is evidence that the 80-credit requirement encourages a minimalist approach by students which tends to work very well with some of the schools design students.”
Meanwhile local Commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said that reports that students found the NCEA “illogical and unfair” suggested the authorities had finally come up with a qualification system that mirrors life.

Mike 'Eminem' Moore talking to the Herald