STRONG WINDS MOVE NEW YORK STATE EASTWARD

Part of New York State moved 30 metres eastward yesterday causing flags to be lowered throughout the pannicked state. Emergency Service officials who at first thought the state was suffering a nuclear attack realised that the several million stars and stripes which festoon the region were acting as sails in strong winds 'turning the state into a massive yacht heading towards Europe.' They immediately ordered that flags be lowered or cut free.

Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is visiting New York reported some days ago that patriotic flying of "Old Glory" had reached unprecedented levels.

"Flags are everywhere. Its like a Nuremberg rally. Some New York buildings have ten or fifteen of Stars and Stripes the size of Black Magic's mainsail flying from them."
Lush said that as a regular sailor the dangers of excessive flag flying were apparent to him immediately.
"Ever since 9/11 when the flag-flying craze really took off its been an accident waiting to happen. Any 12 year old 'P' class sailor could have seen that the entire Eastern sea-board was in danger in really high wind. So I wasn't surprised at all when the wind got up yesterday that the place started to move. It was just lucky that a fault line opened up along the Hudson and the state tacked 30 metres. I had visions of New York doing a massive capsize. No amount of bailing would have helped. We would have gone down like an Aussie challenger for the Auld Mug."
Lush predicted that after the scare fewer flags would be flown and the state would gradually drift back to its old position. "The whole state is drifting leftward," said Lush. "Dubya and his lot are completely discredited here."

CONDI RICE A HIZBOLLAH AGENT?

World Exclusive
Rumours and speculation rife in the USA suggesting that Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice is romantically involved with George W. Bush are false but there is strong evidence that the Secretary of State is a Hizbollah agent.
The rumours of love between the dynamic duo were boosted when 'Condi' made what was labelled 'a slip of the tongue' while at a society dinner in Washington. During dinner conversation the unmarried Rice was heard to say “As I was telling my husb—” before stopping abruptly and then continuing, “As I was telling President Bush.”
Reports in the New York Times and elsewhere described how jaws dropped around the table and speculation erupted that Condi's weekends with Dubya and Laura were not only about putting out the fires of passion erupting all over the Middle East.
However in a report set to rock the world Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is currently in New York revealed that Ms Rice did not actually say "As I was telling my husb-"
What she actually was heard to say was "As I was telling my Hizb-"
Mr Lush who describes himself as 'a student of human frailty' has spent the last week studying the American psyche, first on the New York subway and then 'in a hotel room with 52 channels of the most appalling television you can imagine.'
"It's all pretty obvious to an outsider that the husband interpretation is rubbish. Watching this brilliant woman on TV day after day you can see that there is no way she is interested in the Bush boy in a romantic way. Hell what would they talk about? Geography? Some brother on the Metro told me that it was Condi told Dubya that Lebanon was not an organisation for gay women wanting to go straight."
Lush believes that what 'Condi' almost said at the dinner was "As I was telling my Hizbollah friends."
"It was almost a fatal slip up," says Lush "but the Washington press was conditioned by the Clinton years to think that women in the white house are only interested in one kind of undercover work. They jumped to the wrong conclusion."
"My Hizbollah theory makes more sense every day," says Lush. "After all Condoleeza has been driving policy over the current shambles in Lebanon. Her policy has been perfect for them. Hizbollah has become the terrorist organisation of choice throughout the region. Watch the marches in Gaza and Iraq and Syria. Hizbollah leader Nazrallah is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of Muslim youth. Mark my word: Hizbollah has not been seriously damaged by the current war. They have an endless supply of recruits and access to arms. Condi's policies have ensured this."
Lush says that he is still doing the research but is developing a full theory.
"A few more days in front of the box and then a day or two of action research with the brothers and sisters sleeping on the steps of the 1st Baptist Church and I reckon I'll have it sussed," says Lush.
"There are two things I have to match up. One is Condi's history. She grew up in Alabama when things for coloured folk were pretty grim. Her kindergarten friend was killed by a KKK bomb. She was a child prodigy at the piano and sharper than a tack at Uni."
"Thing Two is the fact that she is now in the White house with a bunch of red neck white guys. It does not add up."
"My contention is that Condi is an undercover member of the Nation of Islam, the radical African American organisation. In the same way a Chopin sonata sneaks into your head and stays there Condi has infiltrated the white house as part of a grand plan. Come 2008 she may become the first Black Muslim President of the US of A."
Lush says that that even if his theory "turns out to be a load of crap it makes as least as much sense as the news commentaries on TV here. Besides its a bloody good story aye."

GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

A Drunken Mel Gibson and supporters abusing Jews.

Israel threatened to extend its war for survival into Australia this morning following anti-semitic remarks from the famous Australian born actor Mel Gibson. The remarks from a drunken Gibson have dominated the US and Israeli media in recent days causing outrage. Israel reacted today by demanding that the Australia turn over Gibson or face 'targeted actions against known family members and other supporters of Gibson until he is given over to Israeli authorities.'
US officials have supported Israel's right to defend itself from hate-speech and incitement to violence. A State Department Official said that 'Mr Gibson is a leader in the popular media and the Christian community and his statements are dangerous in the extreme.'
Meanwhile Australian PM John Howard has told The Herald "The Australian Government is extremely embarrasssed that the star of those great movies about the Aussie experience "Gallipoli" and "Braveheart" has made this terrible error of judgement. As in the case of the other Australian-born terorrist Hicks, we will co-operate to the utmost with the forces of freedom. I'm sure Australians will be thrilled to know that I have invited Condaleeza Rice to Australia to negotiate a quick settlement and play a couple charity concerts for peace at the Sydney Opera House. The more Chopin that woman plays the better world we make for our children."

KIWI HELD OVER NEW YORK TERRORIST SCARE

From our international correspondent
A New Zealand man who prompted a terrorist alert at JFK Airport in New York has described the incident as "a storm in a paper cup." The Moenui man, Frank Lush who regularly offers comment for the Kiwi Herald, caused the incident during an altercation over the unavailability of tea at an airport diner.
An angry Mr Lush apparently told counter staff that he would "have any kind of bloody day" he liked and that "the entire airport ought to have a bomb put under it." The latter comment prompted an alert involving armed security and a SWAT team.
According to Mr Lush who is in New York for the wedding of his son Frank Lush Junior, the trouble began when he arrived in New York after an 18 hour flight "suffering from severe nicotine deprivation."
"I get off the plane and sprint to Immigration Control full of anticipation only to find myself with a thousand and six other poor sods coralled at the US equivalent of the old Westfield Meat Works holding pens. I can tell you that after an hour and a half amongst the huddled masses I'm thinking the butchers blade can't come soon enough. What makes it worse is I'm in the middle of a bunch of folks from the Middle East and thereabouts who are goggle-eyed at this big TV screen showing breaking news of dead Lebanese kids and their weeping Mums and Dads. Watching this stuff and the faces of my fellow visitors I'm wondering 'Who is the half-wit in charge here? At the head of the queue they're trying to detect the terrorists while all the way up the terrorists are being created.' No kidding between the craving I've got and watching the news with these nice people I'm pretty well ready to join a jihad myself," said Lush.
"So when I finally get to the bloke with the stamp and discover that I have to give my fingerprints and have my photo taken for the American version of the Wanganui computer I'm not happy but I comply. Even when the man in the uniform makes smart-arse remarks about my reading skills and hands one of the forms back a couple of times because I've not filled in properly I focus on the joyful first inhale of the Port Royal roll-your-own I've got in my breast pocket and try to smile."
Lush said that once he got through Immigration Control he went to the baggage claim area only to find no sign of his luggage.
"It takes a good 45 minutes, of looking and looking and finding someone whose responsibility it is to talk to me, before I find myself at a desk labelled 'Baggage Irregularities' where I learn from a lovely young girl who speaks about seven languages that my details will be processed along with hundreds of others who have suffered the same fate in the last 24 hours: people whose lives have been sent on to Paris or Papeete or some windswept airport in Uzbekistan.
"I do not, you understand say anything negative to this woman, who looks like she wishes she was at the beach with a copy of 'Australian Woman's Weekly' (the American edition.) It is when I get through Customs and to the Diner where I plan to buy a nice cuppa to take outside with my smoke that I lose it."
"Here in the land that sent Armstrong to the Moon and bore Loius Armstrong and Martin Luther they don't do a cup of ordinary gumboot tea. They have a list of drinks as long as your arm which you need a bloody science degree to decipher but they can't make a cup of tea. Strewth. I order a cup of black coffee and then it happens. The bloke hands me a paper cup of watery coffee that scolds my hand and says 'Have a nice day.' I say with a smile, 'Thankyou but I'll have any kind of day I want.'
Mr Lush says that from that point 'things turned to custard' with the Diner owner telling him to return to Australia where it was inferred he indulged in an illegal relationship with his mother. Mr Lush replied that he had 'only been in the country for 5 minutes' but that this was long enough for him to know 'that this bloody airport needs a bomb under it and I'm just the boke to do it so hold your tongue or you'll get a Moenui mihi.'
Very shortly after this Mr Lush was escorted from the airport under armed guard.
When the Kiwi Herald spoke to him early today Mr Lush said he had been told by the NYPD Police Inspector in charge of his case that he would not be visiting Cuba and would probably be released soon. "We get on like a house on fire'" said Lush. "Seems his old man spent some time in Godzone with the US Army during WW2. Even travelled the North a bit on some R &R. It's a bloody small world. Who knows we could be related."

KIWI INTERNATIONAL EDITION COMING

The Kiwi Herald will go international next week when regular commentator Frank Lush begins reports from New York USA. Mr Lush who files regular commentaries from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel in Moenui will be in New York for the wedding of his son Frank Lush Junior. Young Frank who coaches the women's rugby at an American College is marrying the teams first five eighth who is described as having a prodigious left foot. '
Frank Senior was invited to the wedding on the promise that he try hard not to offend any wedding guests by complaining about the quality of the beer or the USA's late entry into both world wars.

US FREE TRADE AGREEMENT IS SEALED

TV reporter Guyon Espiner has sewn up a free trade agreement with the USA. The Kiwi Herald believes the arrangement will be revealed in a special TV One news report this week.
Last week New Zealand news viewers were shocked when Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters interrupted Espiner and veteran radio reporter Barry Soper as they opened negotiations with Senator John McCain. Herald investigations show that the clearly embarrassed McCain later contacted Espiner and asked that the chat continue.
"Hey, I just love the guy," said McCain. "Guyon's the sort of man I would have loved to have had with me when I was a prisoner of the Vietcong. He's such a go-getter... a real fighter and you can see with Guyon that it is just so no about him."
TV One current affairs boss Bill Ralston told the Herald that the free trade deal was a real coup. "At the moment the deal is only between Guyon and the US but its a foot in the door. We are confident that gradually the US will extend the deal to include other TV One staff and their families."

The coup for Espiner comes on the heels of his now celebrated interview with Finance Minister Michael Cullen in which the reporter negotiated personal tax cuts for the members of the parliamentary press gallery.