TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'

More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to "multi-task" as part of a productivity drive.
A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'
Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.
"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."
Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front Agenda. The show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on Dancing With the Stars.
The Kiwi Herald is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.
"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.

TV NEWS CUTS GOOD NEWS

Moenui TV today announced the lay-off of a third of its news and current affairs staff saying "there is simply not enough news to go round any more."
A spokesperson for the troubled broadcaster said that the long predicted drop-off in news world-wide could be ignored no longer.
"We are living in a period of 'peak news.' News is running out. We just have to face up to the fact that there are very few ground-breaking stories anymore. People are bored by endless tales of wars and disasters. They just don't cut it as news anymore. And there are only so many times you can watch stories about celebrities and politicians making a horses-arses of themselves."
"Frankly the average person finds the news irritating. Our recent surveys show that most people only watch TV news so they will recognise the presenters when they appear as competitors on future series of 'Celebrity Treasure Island', 'Dancing With The Stars' or 'The Great NZ Spelling Bee.'
Meanwhile journalists have reacted angrily to the moves which will see significant cuts to the staff of current affairs shows Sunday and 20/20. They are hurt by rumours that the political focus of Sunday will continue but that it will be relaunched 'with a feel more appropriate to the sabbath day' and be hosted by members of the Exclusive Bretheran.
20/20 will be reduced from a commercial one hour slot to a commercial half hour and be re-named 10/10.

NEWS TO HARDEN-UP FOLLOWING DALLOW OUTBURST

TV One will report more hard news in future in a measure destined to cater for viewers who find the current bulletins too easy. The change is a response to recent criticisms by news-reader Simon Dallow that the news isn't hard enough. Future TV One reports will contain some "really difficult news stories, some quite hard stuff and then the usual easy or just banal news."

TV One Head of news and current affairs Bill Ralston announced the changes this morning saying that he and Dallow had "had a frank discussion in which I called him a melee-mouthed little c*** and threatened to break his glasses if he ever bagged the channel publicly again. However Simon then explained that we needed to appeal to a wider audience with our news, not just those who watched it for Wendy Petrie-Dish's lip gloss but also those who watched because he was "the thinking woman's bit of eye-candy." I agreed we should give it a go. The new format will have something in it for everyone including clever-clog types like Simon who do the Herald cryptic crossword.

Mr Ralston agreed that in the past the channel had avoided complex economic, science and international stories from places with names that were hard to spell or remember.
"Most viewers don't want to hear about wars in places like Afghanistan, Uzbekistan and Bosnia-Herzegovina. If the USA invaded Invercargill, Australia or Austria we'd be fine featuring that, although people often get the last two countries confused."
He also complained that "Too many modern-day bad guys have hard names. In the old days Hitler, Tojo and even Sadaam were names you could remember and attach a face to. Nowadays they're all El-this, Achbar-that and have inter-changeable beards. The average punter finds it about as confusing as year 13 chemistry. Nevertheless we will be having some of that stuff in the Really Hard News part of the bulletin provided we can cut in some images of gratuitous violence or send Pippa Wetzel to report in a strapless sun-dress."

Mr Ralston also announced that TV One reporters have been provided with lint brushes to remove fluff from their reports - a response to Simon Dallow's plea for less fluff.

"If Simon has an allergy to fluff I think TV One, as a responsible employer, has an obligation to remove as much as we can from his work environment," Bill Ralston told the Kiwi Herald. " When I saw Simon drying his eyes last week I thought it was because of having to read the sad news story about the Crocodile Hunter. Obviously though it was his allergy not just because he's a big shielah."

Meanwhile, Mr Ralston defended the fact that the lead story on the death of Steve Irwin had taken up 13 minutes of Monday evening's news saying that many viewers watched the news with their pets and both groups were valuable members of the TV One viewing public.