TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'

More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to "multi-task" as part of a productivity drive.
A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'
Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.
"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."
Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front Agenda. The show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on Dancing With the Stars.
The Kiwi Herald is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.
"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.

TV NEWS CUTS GOOD NEWS

Moenui TV today announced the lay-off of a third of its news and current affairs staff saying "there is simply not enough news to go round any more."
A spokesperson for the troubled broadcaster said that the long predicted drop-off in news world-wide could be ignored no longer.
"We are living in a period of 'peak news.' News is running out. We just have to face up to the fact that there are very few ground-breaking stories anymore. People are bored by endless tales of wars and disasters. They just don't cut it as news anymore. And there are only so many times you can watch stories about celebrities and politicians making a horses-arses of themselves."
"Frankly the average person finds the news irritating. Our recent surveys show that most people only watch TV news so they will recognise the presenters when they appear as competitors on future series of 'Celebrity Treasure Island', 'Dancing With The Stars' or 'The Great NZ Spelling Bee.'
Meanwhile journalists have reacted angrily to the moves which will see significant cuts to the staff of current affairs shows Sunday and 20/20. They are hurt by rumours that the political focus of Sunday will continue but that it will be relaunched 'with a feel more appropriate to the sabbath day' and be hosted by members of the Exclusive Bretheran.
20/20 will be reduced from a commercial one hour slot to a commercial half hour and be re-named 10/10.

SPORTS STARS RUSH TO GIVE EVIDENCE

A number of sporting celebrities are expected to make court appearances over the coming months, following the precedent of former All-Black Steve McDowell (right) who achieved national headlines today when he appeared as a defence witness in a rape trial.
Kiwi Herald investigations reveal that recently retired Blackcaps opening batsman Nathan Astle will kick-start a new career next month appearing as a witness in hit-and-run cases, while the notoriously slow-scoring former international John Parker will star as an expert witness in a loitering-with-intent trial.
Sources say that David Tua will appear in a series of assaults later in the year.
Meanwhile there are strong rumours that Taito Philip Field has engaged fellow Samoan Beatrice Faumuina to appear for him if charges are laid in the hope that she can help to have the case thrown out of court.

GOD FAILS TO SHOW AT CRUISE WEDDING

VATICAN CITY - God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he did not attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he feared his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many God watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women and movie stars outside the church.

God's statement insists, however, that his absence was motivated simply by a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, God's decision should not be interpreted as payback for Mr. Cruise' snub of God's mother, Oprah Winfrey, who was not invited to the wedding.

"Nevertheless," Vatican insiders whisper "there was no way the big guy was going after he heard L. Ron Hubbard's seat at the wedding table was closer to the groom's than his."

In other reports from the wedding guests were "strongly advised" to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to give themselves time to freshen up after being strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were be confiscated, and guests' hands stamped with an image of a L. Ron Hubbard.
Guests who left the reception hall, were not readmitted.

By Chip Hilton
Reprinted from The Pugbus http://www.pugbus.net/

DAN CARTER IN BRIEFS

NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui publisher Harper Collins is to reprint the Dan Carter series of books. The release of new editions by Mildred A. Wirt is described by Collins as a shameless attempt to make money by name association. "I'm certain that alot of people will buy the books thinking they are about the rugby playing celebrity when in fact they are stories written in the 1940's about a Cub Scout pack. However our brilliant marketing strategy to include a Jockey sponsored bookmark with each copy is sure to stimulate an interest in Scouts and Cubs.

PLANNING HEARING

A Moenui Council planning hearing yesterday okayed the accumulation of 'a whole heap of clothes and other shit' at the foot of a bed at a Parnell Street address. The request for an exception under the RMA came from 15 year old Mike 'eminem' Moore and was opposed by Mrs Eva Moore of the same address.

MOTELIER CONVICTED

Moenui Motelier John Pope, who was convicted on Thursday of biting a party of American tourists when they said they were loving their time in Australia, will open a new business next week. Post, who told the Judge he had never met a member of the public who would not benefit from a good slapping, was today putting the final touches to signage for the Barking Mad Boarding Kennels.

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL

Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store.

The book, entitled In My Ghostwriter's Own Words has been anticipated ever since the popular shop assistant was passed over in favour of a sixteen year old with exquisite breasts and an encyclopaedic knowledge of confectionary.

In the book Bailey claims that the young replacement, Wendy Petrie-Dish was hired because at sixteen she would work for "sweet bugger all" while Bailey was holding out for a continuation of her $22,800 salary.
"I was worth it. The salary was for my brand. Mention Moenui 4 Square to anyone 'round here and they think of me. I didn't get the nick-name 'Mother of the Village' for nothing," explained the perenially pregnant Bailey.
Bailey was 'gutted' when her salary was leaked to members of the public by her employer and says she found being called a 'rich bitch' really hurtful.'
"I know compared with most people 'round here eleven bucks an hour is alot of money but speaking in a global sense it is not," Bailey told the Kiwi Herald. "Look at all of those other women who front for businesses. I bet that Teresa Gattung and Julie Christie are earning double what I was."

MADONNA BUYS AFRICAN FASHION ACCESSORY

Madonna returned to England last night, the darker tones of her newly adopted Malawian baby perfectly complimenting her porcelain skin and pink handbag. The Queen of pop, who has spent the past week in Africa, told awaiting media she was excited that in getting her new baby she was able to draw attention to poverty in Malawi.
"Not since David Livingstone visited Malawi in 1859 has their been so much interest in the country," the trend-setting Madonna told the Kiwi Herald. "Back then he was able to help the people by pointing out the evils of the slave trade. I just hope that I can help fight poverty by beginning a traffic in children."
Madonna said that she felt as though she had been called to Africa. "Brad and Angelina drew the world's eyes to Africa by having their baby there. I think I have gone one step further by getting my baby from Africa. I think there is some spiritual design in the fact that my new baby is named David just like the the great English explorer."

POSH: I LOOK AWFUL NAKED

Breathless reportage from the NZ Herald
Tuesday October 10, 2006

Victoria Beckham has at last confirmed what many people have long suspected: She looks awful naked.

In an interview with Australia's Harper's Bazaar magazine, the former Spice Girl, also known as Posh Spice, admitted that three children and years of dieting have taken a toll on her 32-year-old body.

"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach," said the size 4 singer.

"I might fit into jeans, but trust me, I look really awful naked."

In another surprise revelation, the mother of three said she was tired of fame.

"Do I wish I could be anonymous? Of course, I don't need to feed my ego that way any more," she told the magazine.

No pictures of Posh naked were published in the New Zealand Herald, however we publish the accompanying image of an anonymous black child from the Sudan and ask readers to use thir imagination

NZ ACTRESS 'WITH CALF'

Oscar nominated Kiwi actress Keisha Castle-Hughes is pregnant and will give birth to a whale-calf in early 2008.
The Auckland teenager, who played feisty Paikea in one of New Zealand's most successful films, Whale Rider apparently is very happy with the prospect of a further 15 months of pregnancy. Her New Zealand agent Gail Cowan says the Keisha and family " are extremely happy about it. Totally. It's a baby."
Some family members spoken to yesterday by The Kiwi Herald seemed genuinely excited about the pregnancy.
"Who cares if she is only 16 and if the baby is likely to weigh several hundred pounds?" said one family member, who did not wish to be named.
But others aren't so sure whether Castle-Hughes understands what lies in store.
National MP Paula Bennett, a mother at 17, none of which are whales, said whichever way you looked at the situation, 16 was far too young to have a baby.
The MP, who was unknown to anyone but her large family until she spoke to the Herald, said that she believed there was no way a 16-year-old had the maturity to cope with the demands of raising a baby.
"You should be worried about pimples, boyfriends and going out, not spending several years swimming around the Pacific with a pod of whales." Ms Bennett said she blamed Greenpeace for painting an overly romantic picture of raising whales.
How the pregnancy will affect Castle-Hughes' career is another question. Her role in the coming-of-age black comedy Hey, Hey, It's Esther Blueburger, alongside Toni Collette, could now be in jeopardy. In the film, Castle-Hughes is supposed to star as a 13-year-old girl trying to fit into both a posh private school as well as an ordinary public school. It is feared the dormitory will now have to be rebuilt to cater for Keisha's increased presence.
Agent Cowan wouldn't go into details about the pregnancy, said she firmly believed having a baby wouldn't ruin Castle-Hughes' career. She would say however that Keisha deserved privacy.
"Small mindedness certainly won't help the family," she said.

HAS PRESLEY LEFT THE BUILDING?

Annette Presley, popular telephonist/receptionist at Moenui County Council has denied that she has left her job. The vivacious Presley who has graced the front desk of the office since it opened is famous for extraordinary self-confidence an infectious laugh and a propensity to talk about her breasts to strangers.
Presley's denial comes after Office Manager Martin Wylie announced that Presley had left the organisation. Presley however spoke to the Kiwi Herald from Fiji where she says she is holidaying with her breasts.
"I may be on the beach but I am not washed up. I have no more left the organisation than Teresa Gattung has found $837 million under her mattress," snorted Presley. "I'll be back in the office just as soon as I can find my passport."

Meanwhile Mr Wylie clarified the situation by saying "We announced something that we thought Annette understood and it is looking like she has not."

GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

A Drunken Mel Gibson and supporters abusing Jews.

Israel threatened to extend its war for survival into Australia this morning following anti-semitic remarks from the famous Australian born actor Mel Gibson. The remarks from a drunken Gibson have dominated the US and Israeli media in recent days causing outrage. Israel reacted today by demanding that the Australia turn over Gibson or face 'targeted actions against known family members and other supporters of Gibson until he is given over to Israeli authorities.'
US officials have supported Israel's right to defend itself from hate-speech and incitement to violence. A State Department Official said that 'Mr Gibson is a leader in the popular media and the Christian community and his statements are dangerous in the extreme.'
Meanwhile Australian PM John Howard has told The Herald "The Australian Government is extremely embarrasssed that the star of those great movies about the Aussie experience "Gallipoli" and "Braveheart" has made this terrible error of judgement. As in the case of the other Australian-born terorrist Hicks, we will co-operate to the utmost with the forces of freedom. I'm sure Australians will be thrilled to know that I have invited Condaleeza Rice to Australia to negotiate a quick settlement and play a couple charity concerts for peace at the Sydney Opera House. The more Chopin that woman plays the better world we make for our children."

RANKIN TO PLAY MOTHER TERESA IN NEW MOVIE

Moenui film maker Geoff Jackson today announced that he will direct a new movie on the life of Mother Teresa starring Christine Rankin in the title role. The film which is described as a heart-warming musical will be shot in South Auckland and is described as 'Once Were Warriors' meets 'The Sound of Music.'
"In the movie the story of Mother Teresa will be transposed from the dark streets of Calcutta to the violent, welfare-soaked underbelly of South Auckland," said Jackson. "In it we will see a woman with a saint-like empathy for the poor selfessly eschewing publicity and luxury in her actions on the behalf of the little children."
Jackson described how he settled upon Rankin as his lead when he saw her on Dancing With the Stars.

"Christine was brilliant. For the sake of the children (her charity) she put her body through excruciating routines wearing only a few slips of cloth and earings. She was steamily sensual but always focused on the highest goal."

Christine Rankin in the lead role

GATTUNG TO TAKE BREAK?

Teresa Gattung's $2.4 million loss, following the collapse of the Telecom share price could result in her enjoying an all-expenses holiday in Moenui.
Local resident Dot Cossey has invited the Telecom CEO to Moenui to "pack up her troubles in her old kit bag and come and put her feet up in Moenui."
Mrs Cossey who is the owner of "Dots Crafts and Preserves" said she could empathise with Ms Gattung $2.4 million loss.
"I myself mislaid a tenner just the other day. I had put it aside to buy a nice treat for when me and Bill watched The Great New Zealand Spelling Bea on Sunday and then I couldn't find it anywhere. I must say it made me go all funny inside just thinking about where it could have gone."
Mrs Cossey said she has followed Ms Gattung's career since Teresa was "a mere slip of a girl."
"She presents herself so well and is always so friendly and polite. Her Mum and Dad must be really proud of her."
As a business woman herself Mrs Cossey understands the pressures faced by Ms Gattung in keeping customers and shareholders happy in a changing marketplace.
"I know all about that don't you worry," she told the Kiwi Herald. "The public wants it's nice jar of tamarillo chutney just as it always has but let me you it's a real struggle for me to beat the prices of some of these Johnny-come Lately's who are hawking their wares at every flea market and school stall. What I want to know is, where were they when tamarillos hadn't even been heard of? None of them were interested when it was plain old tree tomato pickle."
Dot Cossey went on to say that Teresa Gattung would do well away from carping shareholders, the media and that 'grumpy old Dr Cullen.'
"Once she gets here she'll love it. After a couple of days playing scrabble with me and Bill and a few servings of devonshire teas she'll not want to go back to boardroom club sandwiches."
Dot said that Ms Gattung may also get a chance to join Dot in some craft-making.
"Oh yes, I've got several balls of corker coloured wool waiting to be unbundled."

Teresa Gattung helps Rod Deane roll-up some wool at a recent Telecom Board meeting

MAN APPEALS FOR LIFE

“Give me my life back.” With these words local resident John Riley appealed to Moenui today in a statement that brought an outpouring of sympathy from the public. Riley who has no recollection of when and where his life went missing says that his wife’s pleas for him to “get a life” have finally prompted him to seek help from the community.
”Every time I hear that someone is leading the life of Riley I go through a period of anxiety and grieving. To think that someone else is out there, living my life and apparently having such a good time is just so heart-breaking. To reflect that it could be me that’s living the high life. I could really go for a slap up meal a fast car and a fast woman right now.”
Riley quickly withdrew the comment about the fast woman, saying that his wife was a wonderful person. He then rushed home to watch Oprah.

John Riley in happier times

GRASSING TO THE STARS

Scores of people today volunteered information about the death of the Kahui twins and a number of other unsolved crimes, following Susan Wood's interview of the twins' mother at a South Auckland police station last night.
The interview of Macsyn King in the waiting room of a police station obviously struck a chord with many people who turned up at the police stations throughout the country offering to talk to Susan Wood and in some cases Mark Sainsbury.
In Moenui, Constable Frank Tawhai was astonished by the turn-out.
"We had people here from first light asking to talk to Susan. Some had been following the Kahui Twins' case and reckoned they'd worked out who was responsible from the photos of the tangi and comments from Pita Sharples. There were also a number of women who said they had information they would share with John Campbell if we could get him in and and we even had a young guy prepared to spill the beans to Eva the Bulgarian."

Constable Tawhai said the willingness of people to talk with media interviewers was understandable and challenged police to change their practice.
"I watched Susan talking to the twins' mum last night and thought she was just brilliant. You could see she was drawing on all her experience of trying to get the truth from Prime Ministers and public officials, the kind of experience that a police investigator can never get. And Susan was human too. Really beautiful but down to earth. I sensed that Macsyn knew she was being spoken to by someone who really cared. A Mum. A woman who understood. You could see in Macsyn's eyes that she felt the empathy flowing out of Susan. She understood that Susan really was saying to her, 'I understand your pain and your dark secret. I have been there. I once shouted at my children when my world spun out of control"

Constable Tawhai says that from next week Moenui Police Station will be setting up a roster of media interviewers to help solve crime. "I figure there are a whole lot of people out there who know a whole lot about unsolved crimes. All they need is a half famous interviewer to tell."
Constable Tawhai is advertising the first day of interviews for next Monday and has already signed up Candy Lane and Jason Gunn to ask the questions. He is promoting the event as "Grassing to the Stars."