'LESBIAN FATHER' JIBE LEADS TO CRISIS

Police were last night involved in a tense stand-off with a ten year old boy after the heavily-armed lad named Luke, barricaded himself in his room upon learning that his father is a lesbian. The Moenui boy, who grew up on his uncle's farm in nearby Tatooine with his sister Leia is believed to be in possession of a number of fluorescent light-strips and an upright vacuum cleaner which the 'sensitive youngster' calls R2D2.

"It is so heart-breaking that Luke has learned the truth of his parentage this way," the boy's aunt Beru told the Kiwi Herald. "Poor Luke found out the truth from the Internet. I just hope those despicable people who published the photo of his Dad with the awful caption are satisfied! Obviously they have something against Luke's Dad but this way of attacking him is just not on."
Beru Lars went on to say that she hoped Luke's sister Leia would be spared the 'tacky details' about her father until she is old enough to understand but she thought that recent publicity about the existence of the on-line information "might make it impossible to protect our little princess from the the awful truth."

Meanwhile police who are camped outside the boy's home are appealing for help from an elderly friend and some-time mentor to young Luke.
"We believe that Abe Kenobi, sometimes known as Ben Kenobe may be able to persuade young Luke to come out," said Sergeant Frank Tawhai. "We'd like anyone who knows his whereabouts to get in touch with us." Mr Kenobi is described as a kindly gentleman with a love of family values.

INVESTIGATOR : 'I TRAILLED PM'

Moenui weather forecaster turned private detective Harold Fogg broke his silence today confirming that it is he and not aliens who has been following Helen Clark and her husband Peter Davis.
Fogg, who would not say who has employed him, said that he had been hired to investigate rumours that Professor Davis had been picked up by law enforcement agencies in Los Angeles while impersonating Lee Tamihore. He had spent some time "sniffing around Parliament to find signs of the Montana Wines carton which my employer believes was used by the diplomatic corps to smuggle Davis back in to the country."
Fogg said he could not talk longer because he was watching "Who Killed Ivan The Terrible" on the History Channel.

NEWS GETS BETTER

Prime Minister Renounces Criticisms Of Sect, Following Visit To ‘Mysterious Island Of The Brethren’

Prime Minister Helen Clark has abruptly ended her war of words with the Exclusive Brethren Church, calling on all New Zealanders to join the sect in “securing strength through chastity, family and the true word of Jim Taylor, our exalted founder”.
Read more on this story from Newzland

BRASH DECLARES NATIONAL GOVERNMENT IN EXILE

Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding." Speaking from the main stand at Athletic Park Dr Brash said that his Party could no longer stand by "while Ms Clark and her band of thieves refuse to hand back the stolen election." The National Party would instead be vacating parliament and establishing it's own "People's Government" outside the Fish and Chip Shop in Kaiaua.
Dr Brash said that the idea of the alternative Government came when a delegation lead by Gerry Brownlee and Tau Henare came to his office saying that they regarded opposition as a hollow exercise while Bellamy's was not serving Fish and Chips for lunch because of the current gas outage.
"I ventured that I had some mexican corn chips and guacamole in the fridge leftover from Monday's caucus and Lockwood Smith, as sharp as a banker's pencil said, 'If we were in Mexico we would be setting up an alternative Government right now.' Next thing you know Tau, whose experience of Government is of it being a moveable feast, convinced us that we should set up our own Government and take it to the people, or at least where they gather for a feed. We are starting at the famous Kaiaua Fish and Chip shop and then on Thursday we will head off to the Happy Wok in Botany Downs where we will probably introduce a flat tax rate."
Dr Brash denied charges from Labour that he would be breaking bread with the Exclusive Bretheran in Hamilton saying that "even if it were true, which it most clearly is not it would be better than dining with the devil at Bellamy's."
Meanwhile a Kiwi Herald Poll has found that 81 percent of New Zealanders want Labour to pay back the $446,000 of taxpayer money the party spent on its pledge card. Most provided the Herald with their bank account details so the money could be returned by direct credit.