DRINK LAWS MUST CHANGE

Moenui resident Dulcie Willis is calling on parliament to re-introduce the six o'clock closing of hotels and bars saying her husband's dinner has been in the oven since 1967 and if he doesn't arrive home soon she will have to throw it out.
"It's a lovely piece of porterhouse I got in specially," says Mrs Willis.

Tho popular woman, who is president of the local Country Women's Institute, supports current moves to raise the drinking age to 20 and believes that while they are about it "MP's can strike a blow for family life by bringing back the six oclock swill."

"Forty nine years ago a man would wobble home from the pub on his push bike and sit down with the family for a piping-hot plate of meat and two veg. He could be relied upon to give the young fella a good clip round the ears if that was what was required and then we would all sit down in front of the tellie to watch Coro or Gunsmoke. Hubby would contentedly doze off only to be woken by that lovely Marama Martin saying her farewells and the Goodnight Kiwi putting out the cat. These days I doubt half the men round here would even know that Ken Barlow's kids have turned out to be wastrills. They'd be lucky to recognise their own kids now they are stuck in the pub 'til all hours."

Mrs Willis says that in the days of the swill bars were sodden troughs but that longer hours had made them so comfortable men had no need to come home.

"The Masonic in town here was a complete pig-sty with sawdust an the floor and nowhere to sit. These days it serves food, has comfy seating, games to play and even TV to watch. No wonder I haven't sighted Bill for 49 years."

DRINKING HERO SACKED FOR FOOTBALL OFFENCES

Drinking star Sonny Faumuina has been dropped from the Moenui Sponges Drinking Team after yet another outburst of football-playing shocked team-mates and spectators alike.
Faumuina who is famed for his free-flowing and 'almost instinctive' style of drinking that helped his team to the National Inter-Pub Grand Final just a few years ago, was sacked by Manager Ivan "the Terrible" Cleary when the star attempted to drop-kick barman 'Bouncy' Ball between the Chivas Regal and Famous Grouse during a drinking match against the visiting Willerton Swillers.
Despite promises to "give the football away" and a period of counselling, Faumuina has been unable to beat his some-time habit of side-stepping around rows of barstools and intercepting drinks ordered by other patrons.
"Frankly it is bloody annoying," said an exasperated Cleary when spoken to by the Herald. "After the first couple of times you get pissed off with being 'bundled into touch' every time you get close to the door of the gents. We are going to be sorry to lose Sonny from the team but everyone has had a gutsful of him defending the bar with his bone crushing tackles and having their attempts to get away a quick pint charged down."
Faumuina's drinking career will be remembered for his signature one-handed attacks on lines of beers and his love for the cheeky off-load. He joins a long list of prodigious drinkers whose passion for rugby has damaged their careers.

BRASH CONFESSES TO BOOZE BINGES

National Party Leader Don Brash has stunned an audience with revelations of booze binges. Speaking to the New Zealand Association for Migration and Investment Dr Brash revealed that he opposed an open-door immigration policy saying that "diversity is like red wine: a little is good for you but too much too quickly alters your personality and can be thoroughly bad."
Dr Brash went on to say that he was speaking from experience and "what's more flat Lion Red may not upset your stomach but the taste of it when consumed upon waking is enough to make you puke."
Dr Brash told the clearly shocked audience that while his life as a bachelor eating corned beef sandwiches was well known his drinking habits at that time were less publicised.
"Frankly living alone in that cold flat, drying my smalls in front of a one bar heater and working all day with economists plunged me in to a depression from which only alcohol could rescue me. They were trying times but I learned alot about life and alcohol. "
The audience were touched and Dr Brashes shared wisdom.
"Childhood is like a good martini," he said. "It is a complex mix of bitter and sweet and can be bruised if care is not taken in the strirring."
"Sauvignon Blanc is like a student flat in Grafton. It can be cheap but invariably smells of cats pee."
Dr Brash said that whenever he sips champagne these days he recalls election night 2005. "Early on the corks popped in anticipation of victory but by midnight the bubbles had gone and the champagne turned to an unsubtle chardonnay.