COWAN HYSTERIA GOES GLOBAL

A special emergency session of the African Union last night called on the NZ Rugby Union to remove halfback Jimmy Cowan from the test team against the Springboks, saying the role model was "not fit to serve." A spokesman for the leaders summit told awaiting reporters that "We can hardly sanction Robert Mugabe if one of the premiere number nines on the planet is allowed to behave disgracefully and get away with it."
The call by African leaders was echoed around the world after saturation media coverage in NZ was taken up abroad. Cowan, who faces three charges of disorderly conduct, prompted Condaleeza Rice to interrupt her summit with Chinese officials to announce that President Bush would be meeting with other leaders to "come up with a raft of sanctions against the evil doer."

POLICE STAGE TERROR RAID

A day after the NZ police raided the home of Iraena Asher in connection with the Urewera terrorist alert, Moenui police attempted to raid the tomb of the unknown soldier in a search for military clothing and parephenalia. The attempt was aborted however when the taxi in which they were travelling took them to the wrong address.

"FREE THIS KIWI!" SAYS HERALD

In a bold move that signals a new chapter in campaigning journalism, the Editor of The Kiwi Herald is demanding the release of a bound and gagged mystery-person, believed to be held in a back-room of the Beehive.
A photograph of the unfortunate individual appeared in the New Zealand Herald this morning under the headline Democracy Under Attack and reappeared in the Kiwi Herald later in the day with an even more striking banner-
"Helen Clark, Free This Poor Bugger!"
The article continued that .."in a scene reminiscent of Guantanamo, where orange-suited nobodies are held without trial, a back room of the Beehive may be the holding cell of a yellow-gagged New Zealander."
"To ordinary democracy-loving Kiwis there can be few things more chilling than the thought of being held in some dingy office where the Government, the Greens and Winstone's mob stitch together their secret deals. This outrage must be ended!"
The article went on to speculate as to the identity of the prisoner, suggesting that it is likely to a member of the Exclusive Brethren, a PPTA office-holder or possibly Peter Shirtcliffe.
Since publishing the article the Kiwi Herald has been flooded with support. Paul Norris of the NZ Broadcasting school said that he supported the campaigning style of the paper, saying that he believed the Herald was "seeking to awaken the public" many of whom were too tired and depressed to get out of bed after a long night watching the Black Caps suffer a terrible defeat to South Africa.

The campaign has also won the support of National leader John Key, who pledged to ungag the person once National siezed the Treasury benches on the proiviso that the person did not turn out to be Brian Connel

"FERNS WON'T CHOKE," SAYS COACH

Silver Ferns coach Julie Aitken today said that the Silver Ferns would not 'choke' in the World Champs and revealed that management had taken to pre-chewing and regurgitating all player food in an effort to end the "choking epidemic" by NZ teams in big events.
The NZ players, who famously choked in the 1999 World Championship final, agreed to dine on pre-digested food after the entire All-Black team choked while playing in Paris recently.
"We got in medical advice straight after that and got some pretty sound pointers," said Aitken. "Much of the advice was the sort of thing my mother used to say: "Don't suck on sweeties while you are running about at playtime and chew your food properly before swallowing."
"We've also placed a ban on team members playing with marbles, and small coins."


Right: An Australian player about to administer the Heimlich Manoevre to a distressed Siver Fern in a recent match

SIS SAYS TOJO NO LONGER A THREAT

The SIS today moved to calm a worried populace, announcing that Japanese leader Tojo, the y2k bug and the Goodnight Kiwi are not considered security threats to New Zealand.
The dramatic announcement came this afternoon from the Moenui Meat Pie & Magazine shop, a favourite haunt of the head of the Security Intelligence Service Dr Warren Tucker.

Speaking to a hushed gathering of the media Dr Tucker said that while the three were "clearly a risk at one time, the SIS has reviewed the evidence and can now reassure the public that they no longer pose an imminent threat to peace, security and the enjoyment of World Rugby Cup coverage."
Members of the public spoken to by the Kiwi Herald were elated by the news. The Harbour patrol team are welcoming the chance to take a break from their nightly surveillance of the shoreline and Moenui Craft shop owner Dot Cossie said that she will at last be able to turn on the computer she has not used since 1999. She felt great relief knowing that she could check out 'happy-new-Millenium emails, safe in the knowledge that I won't catch some terrible bug.'
Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush said that he expected the Masonic Sports Bar would be filled this weekend, 'now that punters know that the bloody Kiwi won't be putting out the cat at 11 o'clock.'

"It will be like watching Kirky and his boys in '87 all over again, except this time in the middle of the night. Every true-blue New Zealander will be up for it. I even reckon that Ahmed Zouie joker and his mates with the dog collars will be celebrating with a few cool ones and a bit of a Kamate Kamate come the weekend."

NZ'S HISTORY DISPUTED AS RAIN FALLS

New research suggesting New Zealand was underwater till 23 million years ago have been rubbished in Northland. Moenui farmer Ossie MacDonald says the claims are "complete bloody nonsense" and "typical of the tripe dished out by those pointy-headed buggers at the University."

Speaking from his tractor on a hill overlooking his seaside Moenui farm, Mr MacDonald said that he had personally witnessed his bottom paddock emerging from the ocean only last week but "the bloody thing is fast submerging again under this endless bloody rain."

However Mr MacDonald did concur with one part of the Massey University research. The Massey scientists had suggested that following the emergence from the sea, life-forms dispersed here rather than evolved locally.

"Yep, there's a fair amount of truth in that observation," commented Mr MacDonald. "We've actually been inundated with political species from God-knows-where; all getting their photos took and feigning concern. Them and media sorts. Mind you the buggers migrated pretty quickly once they found there was no cafe in town."

ALL BLACKS DISGRACE BLAZER IN LATE NIGHT ORGY

The All Black squad was in crisis mode this morning after a number of them 'snuck out of bed after lights-out for a late night orgy of cocoa drinking and gingernut-dunking.'

Coach Graham Henry, who became aware of the behaviour when there were no biscuits at morning tea, is believed to be very disappointed that 'some boys have let themselves and the blazer down.'

The late night shenanigans are the latest in a series of player misdemeanours the most recent of which involved chris Jack and Carl Hayman posing for photographs wearing Dan Carter's underpants. "They were being rude," an informant told the Kiwi Herald. "Dan was really upset because when he put the underpants on they had gone all saggy and the other boys laughed at him." On another occasion Troy Flavell apparently got a good telling off when he forgot the words of the National Anthem and sang "God of Nations tweet tweet tweet, God defend our toilet seat."

None of the players involved in the latest incident were due to play any time soon, in fact one of them, John Schwalger, regularly has to be convinced that he did not dream once playing in a test match. Sources say this isn't surprising since Graham Henry routinely mistakes Scwhalger for a ball-boy.

Meanwhile Ali Williams has returned to the squad after on-going dizzy spells. Inside sources say that doctors have advised the team management that further player rotation could cause a relapse.

FLOOD RELIEF PACKAGE 'LIKE XMAS'

A flood relief package for the recently ravaged North announced today by Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker is being keenly anticipated by Moenui residents.

The large plain brown paper package is believed to contain a signed photograph of Team NZ members in sunny Valencia and a CD of a Libretti composed especially by NZ artist Stuart Hoare who is currently enjoying a French summer as the Catherine Mansfield fellow. The Libretti, entitled "Drowning in Sunshine" is described as being 'uplifting in a smug kind of way.'
"This will be a real pick-me-up," craft shop owner Dot Cossey told the Herald. "A parcel from Mr Barker will be such a relief. It will be just like Xmas."

Also included in the package is free entry to the District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses which boasts a section on "dealing with life's difficult problems."

That "just sounds made-to-order for us," said Mrs Cossey.

Meanwhile sources close to Cabinet say that at the eleventh hour Government abandoned plans for 100 lucky recipients of the package to receive a personal phone-call from Conservation Minister David Benson-Pope in which he would "provide encouraging advice about future prospects."

WOMEN TO CARRY HUSBANDS

Moenui will host next year's World Husband Carrying Championship. The announcement comes hard upon the heals of the successful World Wife Carrying Championship staged in Finland; an event dominated by Estonia.

In announcing the event Agnes Hapi said the women of Moenui would "win the championship hands down," adding that "most women here have been carrying their useless bloody husbands their entire married lives."

BIN LADEN BACKING BLACK BOAT

Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.
The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.

"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for a Jihadist Sport website told the Kiwi Herald. "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"

And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force."

Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.

TAMAKI, TAITO OFFERED CABINET POSTS

John Key today offered Bishop Brian Tamaki a Cardinalship should the Destiny New Zealand Party join the Key led Government following the next election. The move came shortly after the National Party leader stunned observors by saying that he was prepared to appoint a Green Party member as Minister for the Environment in exchange for that party's support.

Announcing the offer, the increasingly warm and inclusive Mr Key said that he could work with anyone. "Make me Prime Minister and I will make everyone happy," he smiled. He then went on to announce a possible cabinet line-up that included the following members of other parties should they agree to join his Government:

Taito Philip Field (Party yet to be named) -Minister of Immigration

Jim Anderton (Progressive) -Minister in Charge of the Reserve Bank

Winston Peters (NZ First) - Minister in charge of Overseas Travel

Tariana Turia (Maori Party) - Minister for De-Colonisation

Mihael Appelby (Legalise Cannabis Party) - Minister of Mental Health

Graeme Cairns (McGillicuddy Serious Party) - Minister for Scottish Devolution

NCEA REVAMP NEEDS REVAMP

A revamp of the NCEA exam system was welcomed by Moenui Principal Hone Morris yesterday as 'meritorious and approaching excellent but failing to achieve some things.' Speaking exclusively to the Kiwi Herald after all other news outlets refused to take his call, Mr Morris commented that the new gradings gave schools a greater range of awards to make but more options needed to be added.

"The awarding of merits and excellents is grand for a few brain-boxes but there still need to be more options for your ordinary overgrown, slightly out-of control, garden-variety teens. As it stands most kids can only aspire to a 'not achieved' or an 'achieved.' What kind of choice is that? How can you possibly hope to motivate kids with bland and blander."

Mr Morris went on to list what he described as 'a range of nuanced awards for the average and very average students.' These awards would include average, distinctly average, all right, fair, fairish, moderate, passable and tolerable. For students who did not fare so well Mr Morris suggested replacing not achieved with "some awards that spell out just how badly they failed." These included abysmal, completely worthless, naff, complete and utter failure and loser.

DICK HUBBARD GRANTED BAIL

BREAKING NEWS: In a shock move Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard was today granted bail by the High Court. Many Aucklanders did not know their Mayor was in jail and even greater number of those interviewed by the Kiwi Herald wished him well in his new role as Mayor of Te Kauwhata.

HIROSHIMA DEATHS MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY BOMB

A new report by Massey University researchers has found strong evidence that 80,000 people who died in Hiroshima on August 6 1945 may have perished as a consequence of an atomic explosion. A further 60,000 who died in subsequent months could also have been affected by the explosion.
The revelation comes as part of a report which has suggested that New Zealand seamen irradiated during hydrogen bomb tests in the Pacific in 1957 experienced genetic damage as a consequence.
Veterans Affairs Minister Rick Barker said the Government was open to new information and analysis which gave insight into the health effects of exposure to nuclear tests. "The report is very interesting and we will certainly look into it," said the Minister. "Mind you, Homer Simpson has been exposed to massive radiation doses at times and he seems to enjoy life and well frankly the Nips have a long record of trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Not that they have me fooled one bit with their claims to scientific whaling. Nor, by the way do I believe Kiesha Castle-Hughes really rode that whale."

'PUBLIC CAN JUDGE': TOP COP

Police Commissioner Howard Broad expects his fate to be decided "in the court of public opinion" after revelations that a video featuring him 'in acts of love' with a Shetland pony was shown at a Cabinet meeting.

Mr Broad hopes the incident, revealed in Investigate Magazine, will dispel any impression that he is "holier than thou" as he works on introducing a code of conduct for Police recommended by Dame Margaret Bazley .

"If I'm not the right person to do this then others will point that out to me," he said.

Mr Broad's comments came during an interview with the Herald last night in which he denied Investigate claims that he had groped a young policewoman and shot the entire Bain family, but admitted his part in the video saying that he had 'lived a life and this part is included in it.'

"Sure I could have insisted to my pony friend Krystal that the camera be turned off. I could have stood on my high horse but it wasn't that sort of relationship," a clearly aroused Mr Broad told the Herald.

On whether he thought he was still the right person for the job as Police Commissioner, he replied that the average Kiwi could be assured that he had no sexual interest in them. "Birds have never been my thing," he said. "Whats more I think ordinary folk will read about this and know I am one of them. They won't try and point the finger at me and say that I'm on a soap box or in a holier-than-thou position. I think they are going to see me as a real human being, an ordinary New Zealander with a deep love of animals."

CLARK, KEY FORM GOVT OF NATIONAL UNITY

The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition today announced the formation of a Government of National Unity after earlier coming to an agreement over the controversial Child Discipline Bill.
In a move that has stunned political analysts Helen Clarke announced that National and Labour will continue to work together to "advance the interests of good parents and good children everywhere -and all the other good people too."
A beaming Mr Key told reporters: "It seems so right that we should continue our new found common-cause this way."
Describing the moment when the leaders agreed to form the new Government Mr Key said that "after we had agreed on the smacking bill we went to shake hands and for a wonderful moment our eyes met. It was as though we both knew, at that instant, that our differences didn't matter anymore. In a sudden outpouring of emotion I began to say to Helen that we should unite as one, but she interrupted me and said 'John, I know. For the peoples sake let us now walk side-by-side.'
In the new spirit of co-operation Miss Clark and John Key will chair Cabinet "week and week about" while Michael Cullen and Bill English have already found a "lovely little bachelor pad to share."
Meanwhile Catherine Rich has apparently promised to give Sue Bradford some make-up tips before the two celebrate by 'hitting the dress stores.'

Taking their lead from the Child Correction amendment both major parties have agreed to withdraw the whip except in inconsequential cases such as "when Steve Maharey says a rude word or Brian Connel is a little bit naughty." Miss Clark hastily added that they would "just receive a light tap, and quite an inconsequential one at that," while Mr Key said the whip would be applied lovingly.

TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'

More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to "multi-task" as part of a productivity drive.
A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'
Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.
"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."
Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front Agenda. The show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on Dancing With the Stars.
The Kiwi Herald is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.
"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.

TV NEWS CUTS GOOD NEWS

Moenui TV today announced the lay-off of a third of its news and current affairs staff saying "there is simply not enough news to go round any more."
A spokesperson for the troubled broadcaster said that the long predicted drop-off in news world-wide could be ignored no longer.
"We are living in a period of 'peak news.' News is running out. We just have to face up to the fact that there are very few ground-breaking stories anymore. People are bored by endless tales of wars and disasters. They just don't cut it as news anymore. And there are only so many times you can watch stories about celebrities and politicians making a horses-arses of themselves."
"Frankly the average person finds the news irritating. Our recent surveys show that most people only watch TV news so they will recognise the presenters when they appear as competitors on future series of 'Celebrity Treasure Island', 'Dancing With The Stars' or 'The Great NZ Spelling Bee.'
Meanwhile journalists have reacted angrily to the moves which will see significant cuts to the staff of current affairs shows Sunday and 20/20. They are hurt by rumours that the political focus of Sunday will continue but that it will be relaunched 'with a feel more appropriate to the sabbath day' and be hosted by members of the Exclusive Bretheran.
20/20 will be reduced from a commercial one hour slot to a commercial half hour and be re-named 10/10.

CELEBRITIES LOSE HOME

Local identity Si Dallow today confirmed that he and partner Ally Mau have moved from their much-loved double garage into a car-case, because 'the garage had lost it's glitter, especially since uncle Bill parked his tractor in the lounge-room.'

The move of the celebrity couple, who achieved fame when they made regular appearances on the top rating 'Police Five' TV programme, has caused widespread concern in Moenui. Many are concerned that the price of car-cases will now soar as others attempt to imitate the lifestyle of the celebrity couple. It is believed the octogenarian Bill Dallow hurriedly parked his Massey-Ferguson next to the couples' sofa when he heard the opening bars of theme music from his favourite TV programme "Location, Location, Location."

GIRL TELLS OF HOSTAGE HELL

Freed Moenui teenager Melodie Ann Lewis today described her anguish and bulldog defiance during an Easter in captivity. Melodie-Ann, who forewent lucrative offers from British tabloids to talk exclusively with the Kiwi Herald, told of how she underwent 'extraordinary rendition' after straying past a parent curfew on thursday evening, and found herself in solitary confinement in her bedroom for the entire Easter break.
"It was hell," the brave teenager told our reporter. "I thought at one point I was going to die of boredom. What made it worse was that my captors told me that all of my friends were free and so busy having a good time they had forgotten me." Ms Lewis described how for the first day she tapped out messages to 'a friend held in a similar cell just a few houses away' using a Nokia phone. "It was all that kept me from breaking," said the pale year 10 student. "When I ran out of pre-pay minutes it got real hard. It was like being in Guantanamo. I got through by gazing endlessly into the eyes of my Eminem poster. It was almost like he was saying to me that he felt my pain."

Ms Lewis told of the harrowing experience of being interrogated by her "so-called parents" when she strayed past her curfew. "They wanted to know everything. Where I'd been, who with. It was the real third degree but I refused to be cowed. I just remembered all those TV shows where the brave victim refuses to say anything for fear of incriminating themselves and others. Old people really don't understand loyalty."