LABOUR TO QUIT POLITICS

Secret documents leaked to the Kiwi Herald reveal that the Labour Party plans to retire from politics. The documents, marked "Do not give to parliamentary messenger," show that the leadership of the party has decided that they "have had a good innings and after ninety years it is probably time to give someone else a turn." The document also states that " frankly the thought of even one more year of having to negotiate with Peter Dunne is beyond contemplation."
Moenui Labour Party President "Bluey" Kirk said he could neither confirm nor deny the content of the document but did say that "the time to pack it in might be at hand."
"I think really that we've pretty much achieved Nirvana through our ninety years of political toil. Who could deny that the workers paradise that Harry Holland envisioned all those years ago is now with us?"
Mr Kirk said there were those within the party who wanted to carry on until 100 years was reached but republican elements had said there was no way they wanted to be receiving a congratulatory letter from the Queen, or worse still "King bloody Charles."

Meanwhile the Herald is following up on a rumour that another NZ parliamentary will soon announce that it is to disband because "We were only kidding."

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SHARPLES, TAMAKI, TAMIHERE IN SURPRISE REVELATIONS

When Maori Party co-leader Pita Sharples was named the "Kaumatua of the Nation" in the Sunday Star Times last week a number of Moenui Maori expressed surprise. "I thought that fella Richard Long was the Kaumatua,"several locals told the Kiwi Herald. "You know the one married to Judy Bailey, the "Mother of the Nation,"
The Sunday Star Times revealed that Dr Sharples is in fact the Kaumatua of the Nation after Sharples visited the house where the Kahui twins are alleged to have died. Sharples was ignored by the residents of the house and asked to leave.
Moenui resident Ani Tupaea said that she understood how the embarrassing mistake was made. "Personally if he had turned up in my lounge uninvited I wouldn't have known he was the main man either. I reckon I would of thought he was just some old guy with a bad haircut."
Meanwhile the Christian Weekly Chronicle is expected to announce this week that it has irrefutable evidence that Brian Tamaki is the "Maori Messiah," and Cosmopolitan magazine will run a semi-nude photo feature on John Tamihere. The Article entitled "Tamihere: The full Monty," is expected to create a flurry of interest. Editor of the Cosmopolitan Mia Freedman
said the concept of the article came from a feature of the same name in Investigate.
"Like that article I expect this one to raise temperatures. We know there will be alot of interest. After all, if the kaumatua-fantasy of white males is Pita Sharples, John Tamihere is every red-blooded front-bums bit of chocolate rough."




Dr Sharples speaking to the press after his true identity was revealed

TOWN HAS ZERO TOLERANCE

Moenui, the little town which holds the "Best Kept Grass Verge Award" yesterday adopted a policy of "zero tolerance." Announcing the bold step yesterday Mayor Richard Hubbard said the time had come to make a stand, "and by golly we in Moenui are siezing that time."
Speaking to a cheering crowd outside the Council offices, and flanked by the local Constable and the Chair of the Country Women's Institute, Mr Hubbard orated, "We have put up with too much for too long. We have given an inch and been taken for a mile. Now let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that a torch has been lit, a burning beacon of absolute intolerance."
The mayor explained that in future no-one in the town should feel the need to suppress feelings of distaste at the behaviour and beliefs of others. "If you don't like it, don't tolerate it. Not even one percent. Those things which we find anathema must not be countenanced."
After the Mayor's speech excited supporters marched up the main street chanting, "Zero zero, Richard is our hero," until they were dispersed by the police baton charge.
Meanwhile Hubbard's expected opponent in next years Council elections Marjorie 'Kiwi' Banks said the zero tolerance stand was 'playing with numbers' and promoting a 'nothing concept.'
"Be assured that when I am elected I will come down on these people much harder than the current Mayor," said Mrs Banks.
Local commentator Frank Lush said that the thought of the 160kg Mrs Banks coming down on anyone was truly frightening. Asked how he thought the "Zero Tolerance" policy would succeed, Lush said that he did not think locals would put up with it for long.

UNEMPLOYMENT FALLS : VICTIM IN HOSPITAL

The number of registered unemployed people living in Moenui fell to an all-time low yesterday. The incident occured when local unemployed man Rob Willing fell from his bicycle and had to be shifted on to a sickness benefit. Mr Willing, speaking from the Moenui Hospital where his condition is described as being "another burden on the health system," said he had been knocked from his bicycle by a group of age-beneficiaries.
" It was a bloody cluster of them acting like they owned the main street. They were rushing to get on to the pokies at the Masonic Hotel and just bowled me like I was Bangladeshi tail-ender. No 'beg your pardon's or 'Oh dear I'm sorry I've just taken out your leg-stump' they just charged on with their eftpos cards raised high. "
Mr Willing, who lives alone and has been on the unemployment benefit for 27 years, describes himself as an unemployed writer seeking a publisher for his biography entitled "A Little Bit of Hard Work Never Did Me Any Harm!"
Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Pokies Room at the Masonic Hotel, said that the record low for unemployment was great news for the town.
"The more sick people we can get in this town the longer those buggers in Wellington will continue to fund our local hospital," he said.
Mr Lush said he had visited Rob Willing in hospital and had suggested that the well known loner join a club.

NCEA ROBS STUDENT OF WILL TO LEARN

Moenui teenager Mike ‘Eminem’ Moore today slammed NCEA claiming that when the new qualification was introduced he lost the will to learn. “Yeah Nah,” said ‘Eminem’ “As soon as they brought in that NCEA I just was prepared to be really average.”

Mike’s mother Eva agreed. “Michael was always such an inquisitive kid, always asking
why and how come, but since NCEA came on the scene he never asks any questions
except ‘Why do I have to go to that suck-ass school.”
She said that she worried that he unquestioningly adopted the fashions of hip-hop
culture and rap music. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him ask anything about the
historical and socio-cultural significance of hip-hop.”

Moore's girlfriend, 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis was asked by the Herald whether
she had ever heard ‘Eminem’ wonder aloud, “What effect is the appropriation and
exploitation of hip-hop forms by the media and the music industry having on the
ideological discource in authentic hip-hop milieaux?” After a short silence
Ms Lewis said she had not. 

Melodie-Ann, who chairs the Moenui Area School Student Council, said that she
knew ‘heaps’ of students who had been ‘robbed of their youth’ and their will to
‘achieve greatness’ by NCEA. “I know lots of excellent kids who have just got really
mediocre. Like it’s school holidays now and they’re all just … on holiday,” said
Melodie-Ann. 

Meanwhile Moenui school Principal Hone Morris said that NCEA needed a major
overhaul.
“From where I stand, which is currently overlooking the magnificent Mt Hutt ski-field,
NCEA stops high achievers wanting to achieve. The only reason we know they
are high achievers is because they sometimes tell us they are or they are from
Asian backgrounds.” 

Mr Morris went on to say that design flaws in the NCEA meant that students lost
their natural inclination to “attempt to answer really difficult questions rather than the
easy ones and study really hard subjects like bio-chemistry and Russian.”

The Principal said however that, "there is evidence that the 80-credit requirement encourages a minimalist approach by students which tends to work very well with some of the schools design students.”
Meanwhile local Commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said that reports that students found the NCEA “illogical and unfair” suggested the authorities had finally come up with a qualification system that mirrors life.

Mike 'Eminem' Moore talking to the Herald

$320m COULD BRING WORLD CUP TO MOENUI

In an announcement that has stunned the community, the Moenui Domain groundsman Rob Fisher yesterday released a $320 million plan to transform the town reserve into a world class sports facility. The announcement, which was made from the Fisher’s ride-on tractor, brought gasps of excitement and then applause from an invited audience.

Original plans for a domain upgrade had been costed at around $3200 but Fisher said that the time was ripe to make a bold investment in the future.

“Sure we are a town of only 475 people, but what a special town and what special people we are. This is a one-off opportunity to create a legacy for future generations. Our children deserve the best rugby and cricket facility that money can buy, one that is truly world class.”

The upgraded Domain will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said.

The long-time groundsman believes that Government and corporates will come in behind the plan when they realise that the facility will be available as a back-up ground for Rugby World Cup Games in 2011. “It’s a new concept at the top level but back-up grounds are common at lower grades,” said Fisher. “Just listen to the cancellations on radio on a Saturday morning. They are always re-scheduling games to other grounds. Imagine being able to shift a test-match from Jade Stadium when they have a pea-souper, or when Auckland has another week of torrential rain. Here in the winterless north there’ll be corker weather guaranteed.”

Locals were quick to support the plan. 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis said she couldn’t wait for the World Cup to come to Moenui and she and a group of mates had already started working on a cheer-leader routine. “I know it’s not definite yet but this could be our big chance,” she said. Her boyfriend Mike “eminem” Moore thought it was a ‘choice idea.’
“I reckon this could put Moenui on the map. I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it.”

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

WELFARE DEPENDENCY MAKES GREAT TV

WELFARE DEPENDENCY MAKES GREAT TV

Moenui TV today announced that New Zealand on Air will fund a ground breaking TV series in which “complete basket cases” compete to be adopted by celebrities.

The series called “Extreme No Hoper” is modelled upon “The Dragons Den” but has a major difference. Instead of the rich and successful being targeted for support by would-be business tycoons, the competitors are “utter no hopers” who want the celebrities to legally adopt them. Celebrities who have already agreed to consider the pleas include Suzanne Paul, John Tamihere, Christine Rankin, Bob Jones, Muriel Newman and Don Brash.

The show’s producer Judy Christie said that John Tamihere inspired the idea for the show when he offered to control the income of Maori beneficiaries.

“I thought ‘Gee that is so selfless and kind of John to make that offer' and then the idea for the show just hit me. I realised that rich and successful people are always telling the dregs of society how to manage their lives, but the fact is that people who have crap lives don’t know how to take that advice. They are either too stupid or addled by P or booze or just too damned lazy to fix up their pathetic existences. Then I figured that if I could just get some poor unfortunates into a studio where they could meet these wonderful celebrities in person we would have a really great programme.”

Christie said that the format involved the poor people "describing their truly dire existences to the panel of beautiful people who would decide which of them deserved to be saved."

Christie said that her research found that there were “heaps of poor people just dying to meet celebrities and what’s more they would just love to have their lives managed by them.”

Now she has a long list of contestants who can’t wait to be part of a show where they plead to be “adopted” by the panellists.

The first show will include the following contestants:

Mele is a 36 year old night cleaner and mother of four. Mele sends money home to parents in Tokelau and is married to a diabetic who receives a sickness benefit. “I would so like to be adopted by Christine. She used to be the boss of Winz- she is so caring and kind. She danced so well in ‘Dancing for the Stars.’ I love to dance too. Sometimes I listen to the headphones at 3 in the morning and dance with the vacuum….”

Chrissie is a ten year old autistic girl. Her 26 year old solo mother (who is addicted to anti-depressants and does not wish to be named) says that she is “tired to the point of dying.”

“I’m desperate for someone else to take responsibility and the show seems a good opportunity.” She thinks Don Brash may be her hope. “I’ve played videos of Dr. Brash’s last Orewa speech to Chrissie and for once she has stopped and stood still and watched, singing gently to herself. I think she likes his gentlemanly manner. I know Dr Brash is a big supporter of adoption for children of solo Mum’s. I’m hoping his heart will go out to Chrissie.”

Jake, a 13 year old who has been ‘suspended indefinitely’ from three schools and lived in foster-care, is back home with his alcoholic mother. He would like to live with Mr Tamihere. “He looks like an OK guy even though he does try to act like a hard-ass. I’d want my mum to come too though. Sure she’s a derelict but she can’t help it.”

Dorothy is a 68 year old with early signs of dementia. She lives alone in a one bedroom flat, though she sometimes sleeps in the park nearby which is a favourite of people from the local half-way house. She has no children and since her husband died three years ago has felt increasingly frightened and alone. She dreads going in to care. “I would be so grateful if one of those lovely people would make me their friend” says Dorothy.

Rob is 55 and a sickness beneficiary. He says he was shifted on to that benefit because he is unemployable. “I can’t help myself,” says Rob. “ I have this pathological tendency to ask for more pay and tell bosses to fuck off. I can’t wait to get on the show.”

The show will begin once “The Great New Zealand Spelling Bee” series is complete.

'GIVE US THE MONEY,' SAY LEADERS

A group of really important brown people have volunteered to manage the affairs of poor brown people in a move that has been hailed as “jolly good” and “about time” by some really important white people. The group, headed by a former MP has suggested that the welfare benefits of poor people be paid directly to their organisation because “Dem po’ brown folks ain’t got no idea what to do wid dem dollars.”

Speaking to an adoring media including Moenui’s Kiwi Herald the former MP said that people who wore expensive suits were better suited to manage money.

“We didn’ get to wear great threads, flash the bling and walk the halls o’ the big house by accident,” he said. “On the other han’ them po’ brown folks jus spen’ they money on corn whiskey an’ playin’ the numbers.”

Some Moenui beneficiaries expressed relief that at last some rich folks were ready to take over their responsibilities.

“Shucks Boss,” one anonymous person told the Herald, “We jus’ can’t wait for someone else to count dem coins. They far too many dollars fo’ us to handle. We jus’ too feckless and can't help but watch “Once Were Warriors” over an' over again."