POLICE TRAINING TO KEEP PANTS ON.

The police training College will introduce a "Keeping Ourselves Safe" module for police officers, as a way to help male officers "keep their pants on when dealing with female members of the public."
Announcing the measure Police Training Advisor Gary Gottlieb said that recent court proceedings showed that "for the male policeman, New Zealand is a dangerous place."
"There are growing numbers of female sexual predators out to ensnare unsophisticated policemen into sexual degradation."
Mr Gottlieb described the women as "bad sorts who may look like any other woman but have failed to control the fundamental female urge to be sexually ravaged by a man in uniform."
"The new police training recognises the growing problem. We are all aware of the appalling Nicholas case early this year where a young woman consistently lured entire team policing units into her sick sexual world, but let me assure the public this is just the tip of the viceburg."

Mr Gottlieb said that people should not underestimate the damage that such incidents did to the victims. "Invariably the men in these cases are innocents who have no idea that there are women out there who will stop at nothing to fulfill their fantasy of being sexually dominated and then publicly degraded by dragging the whole sordid business through the courts."
"Sometimes the men carry the scars with them for many years," said Mr Gottlieb.
Mr Gottlieb was last night relieved that a northland police officer's ordeal was over. Yesterday an Auckland jury found that a woman had relentlessly groomed the young officer into simulating rape in the local police station and then spent twenty years and two trials attempting to "drag him into the cycle of misery which she had achieved for herself."

WORLD CUP STADIUM FOR MOENUI?

The custodian of the Moenui Jetty has told the government it can "bugger off if it thinks it's going to build a giant kermode on our harbour."

"I know they haven't mentioned the jetty," said Geoff Vasey. "But I want to make it clear that the eye-sore they've proposed for downtown Auckland will not be coming here."

Mr Vasey who has voluntarily replaced rotten boards on the Moenui jetty for some years was responding to news that the Government's plan for a Rugby World Cup stadium on Auckland's waterfront had run into trouble and a new waterside venue was being considered.

"It wouldn't surprise me one bit if they have the Moenui jetty in mind," Vasey told the Kiwi Herald. "After all it is a unarguably the best spot in the world. But as usual the politicians and smart-alec architects haven't thought it through. Apart from anything else, if they build the national stadium here who is going to fetch the ball when Dan Carter boots the bloody thing amongst Nick's snapper long-lines? You'd be taking your life into your hands asking Nick for the ball back I tell you."

Meanwhile the groundsman of Moenui domain Rob Fisher has reiterated his belief that the town reserve is the best option for the final match of the World Cup. Speaking from his ride-on tractor before an enthusiastic crowd of locals , Fisher said that the original plan to spend $3200 on a domain upgrade was short-sighted and the field was an obvious venue for the World Cup.

Fisher's plan, drawn on the back of a mince-with-cheese pie bag is for a $3.2 million stadium that will seat 60,000 spectators with the field encircled by a giant water feature that will emulate an emormous Mexican wave during the boring bits. “The water feature will be truly world class,” Mr Fisher said. "Though we just suggest that people wear togs and snorkles."

Fisher was enthusiastic in promoting the reserve.

"Moenui Domain is the obvious solution," he said. "Apart from the Masonic pub we have about 70 marae here to provide accomodation, about a thousand acres of free parking and only three local politicians to convince."

The Domain option remains popular with Moenui residents.

Fifteen year old Mike 'eminem' Moore told the Kiwi Herald the stadium would put Moenui on the map.
"I was looking for Moenui on the globe in class the other day and there was no sign of it at all, even though they had some place called Iceland which I reckon has nil future,” he said.

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said, “Rob Fisher is a world class bloke. He’s always been a visionary. I don’t know what it is he smokes as he trundles that mower up and down all day but it sure seems to work.”

The Prime Minister told the Kiwi Herlad she had "no view whatsoever" on the Moenui option.

SADDAM'S SENTENCE BARGAIN TURNED DOWN

The condemning of Saddam Hussein to death by hanging came only after he refused to accept the sentence of a new term as ruler of the war-torn country.
Western intelligence sources confirmed to the Kiwi Herald that the former dictator refused the dictatorship saying that "he would rather cut and run."
"Governing the current Iraq is a fate worse than death," he is alleged to have said.
"It is an impossibility. I would rather have a quick death than have the life squeezed out of me slowly like is happening to George Bush and the government of Nuri al-Maliki."
Meanwhile, speaking from the USS Abraham Lincoln, President George Bush announced that his mission had been "re-accomplished once more." He said the sentencing of Saddam signalled the blossoming of democracy in Iraq and that providing the Democrats failed to take Congress peace would be achieved by Xmas.

KIWI SPORTS STARS SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM

NZ Rugby League's "Grannygate" crisis deepened today after international anti-terrorism squads were called in to investigate who knew the truth about Nathan Fien's Grandmother. League sources have confirmed that MI6, ASIO and the SIS now believe Sinnead Fien was an IRA agent and that her grandson and a number of other NZ Rugby League figures may have been involved in building a terrorist cell within the Kiwi squad.

"You don't have to be an historian to know that 'Sinn' Fien and the Irish Republican Army have always been mentioned in the same breath," a breathless Graham Lowe told the Kiwi Herald. "Alot of people must have known what was going on."

Lowe, a former Kiwi coach called on all those involved in the murky affair to come clean for the sake of the game in New Zealand.
"You have to wonder who is implicated," he said. "Ask yourself what a Queenslander was doing trying to infiltrate the Kiwi rugby league team? What was his relationship with Sel Pearson the Chairman of the NZRL who has a surname rich in IRA history?"
Lowe said that he was certain anti-terror authorities would be investigating what went on at the Kiwis' famous private 'Kava sessions' and whether the 'Little General' is in fact a terrorist mastermind.
"I shudder now every time I think of all the talk about him peppering the Aussie back three with bombs," Lowe said.



"What went on at secret 'kava camps?" asks a former coach

STAR HATED BY ENTIRE CAST

Every member of the cast of Sesame Street harbors a quiet, deep-seated resentment towards Elmo and would like to see him leave the show, according to a published report released Sunday.

"It's Elmo's World and we're just lucky to be living in it," said Zoe, Elmo's supposed 'best friend' on the show but one of his most vocal critics in real life. "That's actually what he thinks. And if that wasn't bad enough, he always makes fun of my pet rock Rocko too! Me don't joke you - Elmo a big jerk."

The report, conducted by the U.S. Department of Pop Culture, found that 100% of Sesame Street cast-members "strongly dislike" Elmo for being so successful.

"The Count used to get five, FIVE! minutes a show to teach children about all the beautiful numbers, ah-ah-ah!" said The Count. "But these days I'm lucky if I even get ten, TEN! seconds of air-time, eh-eh-eh!"

All other cast members echoed The Count and Zoe's sentiments, with none quite so passionate as Oscar the Grouch.

"Scram," said a visibly irate, panting-for-air Oscar the Grouch. "I mean, I know I hate everybody, but wow...I really, really, really hate Elmo. Did you hear that Elmo? I hate your guts. SCRAM!"

The report described Elmo's overwhelming popularity as the leading reason for why his Sesame Street cast-mates despise him so much.

“Within the last ten years Elmo has risen to the level of international superstar and spawned an entire empire of products," said USDPC Secretary Greg Tannenbaum. "This, of course, has led to a large amount of resentment among many of the less-talented, less-cute cast-members."

Reached for comment today, Elmo said that the report made him "sad," but that he had a show to do and just wanted to focus on the number 9 and the letter K.

The entire Sesame Street cast want Elmo off the show

~ BS NEWS

"HELL" LAUNCHES NEW 'ABSTINENCE' PIZZA

Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism.
In announcing the new 'Abstinence' Pizza, Hell Pizzas Director Warren Powell told the Kiwi Herald that the company was anxious to cater for a variety of tastes and the Abstinence pizza was the first of a series of innovations targeted at 'the more virtuous and abstemious' consumer.
The new pizza designed with the help of Catholic Bishop Dennis Brown would consist of an ultra thin base of unlevened communion bread, no anchovies, no capers and no cheese.
"Indeed," said Mr Powell "the pizza will be completely naked (if you will excuse the expression) but it will come with a free bottle of holy water and a brisk walking programme."
Mr Powell said that the company was confident the new product would 'take off' saying that a number of similar pizzas would follow which he referred to as the 'Heavenly Virtues range.'
The range would include 'Patience' - "for customers who are prepared to wait a very long time for their order" and 'Humility'- "for consumers who won't complain whatever is served up to them."

COUNCILLORS FACT FINDING TOUR WELL WORTH IT

Moenui Councillor Penny Sefuiva held a full council meeting spell-bound yesterday when she reported back on her recent rate-payer funded fact-finding tour of Europe.
Councillors expressed astonishment when Mrs Sefuiva reported her findings which included evidence that Finns eat reindeer stew while Swedes like pickled herring.
"Gosh, " said a clearly amazed Cr. Vern Walsh. "If I hadn't heard it from Penny herself I would not have believed it. I was also blown away by the fact that the Swiss army knife was first used by the Swiss army who- get this- didn't even fight in World War 2."
Councillors were treated to a slide show showing the joys of business class air-travel by Mrs Sefuiva and all agreed that the service was well worth the extra cost.
At the end of the report Mayor Richard Hubberd thanked Mrs Sefuiva saying he had particularly enjoyed the pictures from Norway that proved "...once and for all that lemmings don't mass suicide from cliffs. It is something I have long suspected," said the Mayor.
The Council then adjourned for a cup of tea and hot crumpets with lashings of golden syrup.

LEAGUE ELIGIBILITY CRISIS SOLVED

The governing body of Rugby League has put an end to the eligibility disputes that dog the game, by declaring that for future test matches between Australia and New Zealand the two team captains will 'pick-up' for teams from all the players gathered.
In a move described by Australian League chief David Gallop as 'a return to schoolyard traditions' the captain who wins a single round of rock, paper, scissors will get to choose a team-mate first and then "it they'll take turn-about until someone is stuck with Manu Vatuvai as the last choice."
"It makes sense really," said Gallop. "Half of our lot are Maori anyway and you've got a good portion who've played for Samoa, the Cooks and Tonga- not to mention a couple of skippies."
"Mind you we've got one player who's captained Lebanon and another who has played for us, you then us again."
"I say lets stop the arguing and get on with the game."
The solution was announced after a day of tense negotiation, prompted by the selection of Queensland-born Nathan Fien for the Kiwi team on the basis that his Great Grandmother once visited Wanganui.
Insiders say negotiations were at times heated with NZ spokesman Sel Pearson telling the Australian Rugby League, "Don't talk grandparents to me you bunch of hypocrites. Fifty years ago the grandparents of all our players and around half of yours wouldn't have got in the door of an Aussie League Club bar far less been selected for a national team."
Mr Pearson later apologised saying the outburst had come in the heat of emotion as had his threat that NZ would boycott the Sydney Olympics if the Kiwis were docked points for playing Fien.
Meanwhile the Australian Rugby League is rumoured to have hired a number of bookies to research into odds for Rock, Paper Scissors.