HYPERACTIVITY TREATED IN WOMB

Washington, D.C. – Results of a recent study conducted by researchers at Georgetown University suggest that the use of Pritalin, a version of the ADHD drug Ritalin specially formulated for second- and third-trimester fetuses, can significantly reduce symptoms of in-the-womb hyperactivity in unborn children.

"Our research shows that the daily use of Pritalin by an expectant mother can have dramatic results in calming the behavior of an unborn child who is fidgeting and fussing around and whatnot in the womb — a period during which the fetus should instead remain mostly docile as it focuses one hundred percent on its physical development," said Dr. John H. Ryan, lead researcher on the study.

Read the rest in Recoil Magazine

CUBISTS LAUNCH UNNAVIGABLE WEBSITE

The International Society of Cubists officially launched its Web site today, a brilliant rejection of natural form and perspective that metaphysically establishes the implication of movement, analytically redefines spatial relationships, and is an absolute bitch to navigate.

"What the hell is this? I can't tell how to get anywhere," one of the site's first visitors told the Cubist Society's Webmaster-Curator, Paulo Cassat. "Is this art, or is this a Web site?"

"Thank you," Cassat responded.

According to Society President Francisco Bernioz, the group launched the site to bring attention to Cubism, which was founded in the early 20th Century by Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque. The Society also hopes to establish a scholarship fund for young cubist painters and sculptors. However, at a public showing of the site here in Spain's capital, most initial visitors were clearly uncomfortable with the design, especially the artists the site intends to help.

Read more at Satirewire

LAW SAYS 'DON'T KNIT AND DRIVE'

In a move to reduce the road toll the Government is to ban automobile drivers from indulging in a number of common activities including knitting, playing the ukelele, stir-frying, reading the TV Guide and having sex.
The bans, announced by transport minister Harry Duynhoeven are to be included in a law that oulaws using cell-phones while driving a motor vehicle.
"We had always thought it was just common sense that texting with a mobile phone while driving was not advisable but the number of accidents caused by the use of cell phones is astonishing," said the Minister. "After some thought we then decided to add a number of other activities that apparently have been done while driving."
Meanwhile the Convenor of the Moenui Knitting Circle Freda 'flashing fingers' Finch described the law as "another example of Government trying to control ordinary people's lives. Next thing OSH will ban sex while knitting," she said.


A photograph from a police speed camera (right)

NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui police are investigating the theft of several pairs of mens briefs from 'Moenui Fashions' after shop assistant Daryl Fey reported the loss. Mr Fey provided identikit descriptions to police and has expressed a willingness to 'carefully peruse any line-up of suspects that police put together.

The identikit picture drawn up by Mr Fey and police


MOENUI SEVENS AFFECTED BY COUP
The Moenui Rugby Sevens is set to become the 'Rugby Quartets' next year as a consequence of Government sanctions against Fiji.
A Fijian team has always been the big crowd-puller of the event but the ban on sporting contacts following the recent coup has prompted the change.
Instead the Moenui rugby club will invite a barber shop quartet from Fiji to the tournament.
"At first we thought we could provide a Fijian presence by inviting the Suva Singers to come and sing the anthems but then we thought they could play as well," President Rob Fisher told the Kiwi Herald.
"After all, they're blokes, they're Fijian and they have rhythm. It stands to reason they can play football."
Because there are only four in a barbers' shop quartet the 'sevens' tournament will be modified to a quartet's event.

APOLOGY
In the lead-up to Xmas the Kiwi Herald wishes to apologise for the large number of obituaries that have offended this year.
We particularly wish to apologise to the living who were listed as dead and described somewhat unfavourably. We also wish to apologise to the parents of aborted feotuses whose obituaries were listed.
We want to assure the public that Bunty from Classifieds now plays bowls on Sunday and no longer attends the Moenui Church of the All- Seeing Eye.

SMOKING MP OFFERS APOLOGY

A National Party health spokesman, who set fire to a corporate box while smoking 'P', says he has "learnt some valuable lessons about public life".
Dr Jonathan Coleman, a former GP and National's mental health spokesman, attracted a barrage of criticism after lighting-up in the exclusive corporate box at U2's Auckland concert last weekend, immolating a number of well-heeled fans and causing Bono to abandon the hit 'Fire', mid-song.
Yesterday, Dr.Coleman told The Kiwi Herald that in hindsight he would "do things differently and stick to the smoked seafood platter rather than smoking the 'P' pipe which had been handed him 'by a man with an uncanny resemblance to a former party leader.'
Dr. Coleman said he was not a regular smoker and had 'never inhaled but this time things just got totally out of hand.'
"One moment I was taking the pipe and the next thing Bono was leading a National Party rally in a wall of flames. It was bloody marvellous."
The newly promoted Dr. Coleman told the Herald that he now accepted he had been a little niave and would not be accepting gifts from admiring constituents in the future.
Meanwhile National Party Leader John Key said: "Dr Coleman is a new MP, still learning to live his life under a microscope. Let's keep this in perspective."

IRAQ WAR TO END FRIDAY

The war in Iraq will finish Friday lunch-time according to the Fiji Post.
Commodore Frank Bainimarama, who has for some months promised to stage a coup d'etat against the Government, will first 'deal to the corrupt elements in Iraq and bring order to that country now that the Dubai Rugby Sevens is over,' before carrying out the coup.
The Colonel has been in Dubai for the past few days watching the national team which went out in the semi-finals of the event. He reportedly decided to bring order to Iraq after a phone call from President Bush who heard the colourful Commodore was in the neighbourhood.
"Mr Bush has read about Bananarama and thinks he is our kind of guy," a White House official is reported as saying. "Not only is he a no-messin-around go-getter, but by coincidence he recorded one of the Laura and George's favourite songs 'Na Na, Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye."
The Fiji Post says that the Commodore will install an interim administration in Iraq immediately order is restored with Ratu Epeli Ganilau as prime minister.

CLASSIFIEDS

SEPTIC TANKS EMPTIED
over person of your choice
Phone Barry 7117

URGENT SALE
PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY PLAY-SET
intending buyer gone to rugby game. Says he

will be in tomorrow but unreliable.
Ph Laisenia 766

IF BUNTY FROM CLASSIFIEDS

checked her copy occasionally instead
of talking on the phone and
giving the builders the come-on
this might not have been here.

SALT & AMPHETIMINE CHIPS

Bumper pack for those long nights in front

of the cricket.
Ph 875

WOULD THE PERSON
who borrowed my boat from
the Owairua river bring it back.

I suppose you've drunk the home-brew.

Hope it made you as crook as the rest

made me.

BUSH REJECTS TIMES TABLE AS TOO CONFUSING

By Don Davis

As the debate over an exit strategy from Iraq continues to dominate the headlines, President Bush has reaffirmed his rejection of a times table, as too hopelessly confusing.

As he struggled to adjust his watch to new time zones during his trip to the Middle East, Bush said that the American people have very bad childhood memories about times tables, and would not want to repeat that experience with Iraq.

Bush added that “stay the course” is a lot easier to understand than such complicated problems as “Shia X Sunni = Civil War.” He also indicated that he still doesn’t get the equation of “Stupidity X Arrogance = Quagmire Squared.”

From The Satirical Political Report