'RED BUMS GOOD' SAYS MP

Standing outside parliament under a banner announcing "Red bum good, blue bum bad," National MP Chester Burrows today attempted to explain his amendment to the "anti-smacking bill'' saying that he wanted to outlaw bad smacking while encouraging the kind of smacking that was 'part of the great kiwi tradition; the stinging red bum delivered with love'
"Like thousands of New Zealanders I look back with fond memories of a hot bottom. It was always transitory and trifling, usually after a Sunday roast when Mum had poured more sherry into herself than into the trifle itself and us kids were keeping her from her nap. She would give our bare bums a good paddling, all the time weeping and saying how much she loved us. Far from being the cruel and degrading treatment that Sue Bradford is on about it brought us closer together. These days if I get a touch of sunburn or a sting from a wasp I'm immediately awash in a flood of loving memories of family life."
Using a colour chart Mr Burrows went on to explain the varieties of redness that were acceptable under his amendment saying that "where the redness is from blood, Mum has probably gone too far and no sherry has made it into the trifle."
The MP, whose amendment is expected to pass said that where the child was blue or black or even dead from smacking prosecution was often in order.

Left: Chester Burrows with young supporters.

IRAN TARGETS IN US SITES

US contingency plans for air strikes on Iran were tonight revealed in a BBC report. Using leaked pentagon documents the BBC was able to show that the US has plans to widen the theatre of war in the middle east, targeting Iran's uranium enrichment plant at Natanz, facilities at Isfahan, Arak and a huge number of 'Vietcong enclaves' within Iranian territory.

POOR PEOPLE FALL THROUGH CRACKS AGAIN

Police and ambulance staff were called to the dead end McGehan Close this morning after an elderly woman and her grandchild fell into council footpath workings, giving credence to the Prime Minister's observation that "some people are still falling through the cracks."

Constable Frank Tawhai who attended the incident said that the task of rescuing the woman and the child from their predicament was made 'extra difficult because like most poor folk the pair were completely cluelesss about how to climb ladders.'
"Frankly," Constable Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald "the problem is getting out of hand. I'm spending more and more time trying to get hopeless people out of cracks instead of focusing on counter-terrorism and team policing exercises involving young women."
The old woman and the child were eventually coaxed out of the crack with a promise of an all-expenses-paid trip to Waitangi and a feature article in the NZ Womens Weekly.

AUSSIE PM THREATENS OBAMA

Australian prime minister John Howard today vowed to launch an amphibious assault against the United States if Democrat Barack Obama wins the American presidency in 2008, saying, "We will not simply stand by if America falls into the hands of a terrorist- lover."
Mr Howard was reiterating his horror at the Presidential hopefuls plans for a rapid troop withdrawal from Iraq and commented "The difference between Osama and Obama is just one letter"
"If this man is elected,"continued the Prime Minister "the terrorists will be just one consonant away from world domination!"
Original Story in Deadbrain

MPS SENT HOME UNTIL THE PAY UP

Large numbers of MPs were today sent home with a note to their electorate committees saying that they could not return to the House until public money owed for the last election campaign is paid. The move from Speaker Margaret Wilson comes just a few days after Fielding Principal Roger Menzies barred students from the school who owed it money. That move sparked loud protests and then an influx of money.
Margaret Wilson told the Kiwi Herald that she expects the money to "arrive in fairly rapidly, especially since the others will be livid at the prospect of John Key taking over as Head Boy."
Ms Wilson said that she expected a similar reaction to news that Tau Henare and Jerry Brownlie were now 'lords of the tuck-shop' while Katherine Rich and Jackie Blue had taken to lounging brazenly on the Government front-benches.

HUNGRY KIDS SUSPECTED OF DEVOURING CLASS-MATE

The town of Moenui was thrown into panic this morning when a five year old on his first day at school was lost and presumed eaten by classmates. The alarm was raised when little Simon Widget failed to answer to his name at morning roll-call and the teacher noticed that the perennially hungry Thomas 'the tank' Tupaea was sitting quietly on the mat in an apparently satisfied state.
New Entrant teacher Miss Beryl Stanwyck immediately rushed to the staff-room and called the police who threw up a cordon around the school and began a search.
"Thomas is one of the 15,000 New Zealand children who turns up to school hungry every day," teacher Miss Stanwyck explained to the Kiwi Herald. "We have another dozen or so at Moenui who are in that category and some days we can't teach them until they've chewed through a handful of pencils and the odd copy of 'The Very Hungry Caterpiller.' Thomas in particular has an unsatiable appetite. He once ate all the juniors' packed lunches as payment for making farty noises all through an ERO visit to our room."
However the crisis of the lost new entrant was resolved at 10am this morning when Simon Widget was delivered to school. His mother apologised to Miss Stanwyck for his lateness explaining that she had read the report of 15000 hungry children being expected at school and insisted that Simon eat a second bowl of Weetbix and stewed fruit. Simon apparently spent the next hour in the bathroom.

MADONNA TO ADOPT KIWI CHILD

Madonna was last night on her way to New Zealand in the hope of adopting a child from McGehan Close. The star, who famously adopted a Malawian child recently, is believed to be one of several overseas celebrities who have been inspired to adopt "a poor little brown child like the one National Party leader John Key has adopted."
An obviously delighted Mr Key appeared at Waitangi yesterday with 12 year old Aroha Ireland at his side. He had apparently gained agreement from the girl's parents to rescue her from the 'deadend' of McGehan Close in a desperate attempt to break the cycle of hoplessness her family is caught in.
The girl's mother told the Kiwi Herald that she "thought the bike we bought Aroha for xmas was pretty flash but when I saw John Key turn up in the government limo I agreed it was hopeless. I'm just stoked now that Aroha is going to join the overclass at Waitangi."
Many visitors to the Waitangi celebrations commented that they thought Mr Key and Aroha looked lovely together though some enquired whether there was any truth to the rumour that the girl was Mr Key's new wife from Singapore.

Not all locals were happy however. One disgrunted local said the sight of politicians with children on their arms reminded him of the time Titiwhai Harawira dragged the Prime minister around Waitangi a few years back 'like she was a toi moko - a preserved tattooed head.'

Meanwhile Kiwi Herald investigations are unable to confirm whether Woody Allen was sighted a McGehan Close yesterday seeking to adopt a young Asian girl.

LABOUR TO RETURN STOLEN ELECTION

In a major about-face the Labour Government today announced it would 'return the stolen election of 2006' to Don Brash along with several thousand dollars of taxpayers money mis-spent in the election, and $12.23 owed on an unpaid bar-tab at Bellamy's.
The extraordinary announcement was reported by The New Zealand Herald yesterday and quoted a source close to the Prime Minister as saying Ms Clarke is furious that 'the whole affair of the unpaid bar tab is sullying the reputation of a proud Labour party' and that she had decided that it was best to 'own up to whatever needed owning up to.'
However, The Herald could not confirm rumours that Ruth Dyson will soon admit that the unpaid bar tab is hers, nor could it verify that former Minister Marion Hobbes was preparing to take the rap for the loss of the Rugby World Cup in 2003, admitting that she had 'lost the will to keep in shape about the same time the All blacks lost their way.'

Meanwhile the National Party has been flung into disarray by the news. Don Brash who is holidaying at the tax-payers' expense in Las Vegas could not be reached at the Playboy Club, but sources close to John Key said that the Labour Party could not 'retrospectively return the stolen election to Don.'
"John Key is the new man at the helm and so the election should go to him," said one source. "Don's gone and this is another cheap stunt from the Socialists. We'll be asking the Auditor General to investigate"
In an un-related report McGehan Close house-painter Hepi Hohaia today reported the theft of his step-ladder, claiming that the last time he saw it was "when that John Key fella was in the neighbourhood talking about how you needed to climb up the social ladder. Now bugger me if my best long-ladder hasn't gone. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone, but if you put two and two together you'd be hard pressed to come up with Don Brash as the answer."