TWO DROWN DURING BLAIR FAREWELL SPEECH

Two British Labour Party delegates drowned yesterday in a tidal wave of tears that swept through the hall at the end of Tony Blair's speech.
Read full story in Dead Brain

US SENATE LOWERS AMPERAGE LEVELS ON TESTICLES

WASHINGTON, DC—Led by a bipartisan group of senators critical of White House policy on suspected terrorists, the Senate passed a bill Thursday that prohibits interrogators from exceeding 100 amps per testicle when questioning detainees. Read story in The Onion

MAORI PARTY OFFERED 'BRIBES'

The Maori Party is considering a deal which, if agreed to, will see it supporting the Labour party in parliament. In exchange for it's votes the Maori Party will receive a bale of blankets, a gross of shotguns, a hogshead of Lion Red, $250 worth of Lotto tickets and the foreshore and sea-bed.
Moenui Maori Party Chair Tari Kuahinga told the Kiwi Herald that she was made the offer by 'a bloke tieing up his dinghy at the Moenui jetty on Saturday. He said he was representing some other bloke who lived off-shore.'
Ms Kuahinga said that the executive of the Party would consider the offer at a special hui next week. At the same hui they would also be considering an offer from an undisclosed source which wanted the Party to support the National Party. In exchange for its vote the Party would receive 1000 cubits of scarfing material, 500 pairs of sensible shoes and 713 free entries into the Kingdom of God.
Leaders of both major parties are denying any knowledge of the offers while Peter Dunne has decried the offers as 'outrageous bribes.'
"All I was ever offered was a cold flat-white at a Mt Eden cafe," said the United Leader. "Typical. More special treatment for Maoris."

NZ POST TOLD TO GET HARD

"Get hard.' That's the message to New Zealand Post from a group of Moenui residents about a request to modify or shift their letterboxes.
New Zealand Post this week delivered requests to a number of residents asking that they change their delivery arrangements for the sake of postie safety.
"Postal Delivery staff are telling us of problems with dogs and difficult-to-get-to letter-boxes," said a Post Office spokesman. "We are asking for co-operation from the public on this."

But a local lobby group claims it is a cost-cutting exercise. 'Postbusters of Moenui' has been established to 'resist moves by bureaucrats and bean-counters to sanitise the job of postie and reduce the quality of the service.'
"It's just another cut-back," spokesperson Elsie Parr-Sell told the Kiwi Herald. "There was a time when posties made sure the mail made it through, no matter where the recipient lived. Down-town office or tiny shack on a long country road-it didn't matter. Posties were proud, determined people."
Mrs Parr-Sell said that 'insisting mail-boxes become drearily uniform receptacles at the end of non-descript drive-ways is a further step toward corporate fascism,' and said she would not be moving her letter-box from the top of her kanuka tree 'for the sake of any lazy postman.'
"Postbusters" members the Herald spoke to supported their leader. Meka valley goat farmer Serge Yordy whose post box is down a 300 metre cliff said that he had "put in the long rope for the climbing down to the post-box. When the posting man brings the letter I give him a ladle of my best goats milk and sometimes a yodel."
Hone Te Ika whose letter box is in the middle of the fast flowing Kuri River says that when NZ post complained that it's postal delivery staff did not want to ford the river with mail he "met them half way and moved the letter box from the bank of the river to the middle. You can't say fairer than that can you?" Mr Te Ika told The Herald.

Retired postie Bindy Irwen agrees with the Postbusters group saying that modern posties need to 'get hard.' "Thirty years ago when I was on the bike there was nothing more exhilarating than wrestling a pit-bull or defusing a letter box bomb so you could deliver a letter from someones Gran."

HAS PRESLEY LEFT THE BUILDING?

Annette Presley, popular telephonist/receptionist at Moenui County Council has denied that she has left her job. The vivacious Presley who has graced the front desk of the office since it opened is famous for extraordinary self-confidence an infectious laugh and a propensity to talk about her breasts to strangers.
Presley's denial comes after Office Manager Martin Wylie announced that Presley had left the organisation. Presley however spoke to the Kiwi Herald from Fiji where she says she is holidaying with her breasts.
"I may be on the beach but I am not washed up. I have no more left the organisation than Teresa Gattung has found $837 million under her mattress," snorted Presley. "I'll be back in the office just as soon as I can find my passport."

Meanwhile Mr Wylie clarified the situation by saying "We announced something that we thought Annette understood and it is looking like she has not."

FAMILY GETS CAR : CHILD LOSES WEIGHT

A Moenui South woman has confessed to selling her daughter's body parts as down payment for a Toyota Rav4. Ngaire Sperdle said she bought the $9000 car because she had seen one on TV and needed to drive her daughter to the $2 shop. Since Ms Sperdle had no cash or savings, the car dealer arranged finance for the purchase which inflated the cost to $35,259.56 to be paid off over nine weeks.
"I was really grateful to the car salesman for arranging all this money for me but I kind of got cold feet when I realised that it would take me a bit to pay it back," she told the Kiwi Herald. "It was about then that they suggested I might want to pay for the car in body parts and I thought about Jonah Lomu and that fella who gave him a kidney. It seemed to me like our family could own a nice car and also help lots of sick people."
The car dealership, Great Wall Motors is owned by former Shanghai transplant surgeon Gong Zheng. While Mr Zheng was unavailable for comment today chief salesperson Peter Bisset said that Great Wall Motors was grateful for the opportunity to help poor people better their lives. "Everyone wants nice things. We provide a range of choices to them so that they can, of their own free will, structure and plan their lives to achieve their dreams."
Ms Sperdle says that her daughter Hope loves the car rides and will appreciate them even more when her legs are removed next week. "It has been fantastic. It's like being on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and The Biggest Loser all at once."

BRASH "MY MAORI ARE FROM SINGAPORE"

After an announcement by famous ethnologist Dr Don Brash that Maori don't exist anymore many Moenui residents woke this morning complaining they had dreamed that they were from Singapore.
"Bloody hell," said one local. "I woke up in a cold sweat. I dreamt I was being taken on some sort of tour by this clever pakeha fella and he was introducing me to crowds of people as being from Singapore. I kept saying 'nah mate I'm Maori,' but he wouldn't have a bar of it aye. 'No,' he kept saying. 'Maori don't exist and what's more they were never indigenous. Trust me you are better off being from Singapore.'
The same dream, with slight variations was shared by scores of others presenting themselves at Moenui Hospital today.
"It's a mental health nightmare," hospital spokesperson Fairlie Crook told the Kiwi Herald.
"Locals feel betrayed, confused and even angry at Dr Brash's announcement that Maori don't exist. These people have spent a lifetime thinking of themselves as Maori and as indigenous. Then Doctor Brash comes along and throws a thousand years of history out the window. I'm not saying he is wrong of course. Everyone knows he is a brilliant man and a highly regarded race theorist but I just wish he had warned us before his announcement. We could have had a strategy in place like a series of "It's Great Not To Be Maori" radio, tv and print advertisements pointing out to locals that being honorary pakeha means you live in flasher houses get arrested less often and live to know your grandchildren."

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, said the whole business would be 'forgotten by lunchtime.'
"This Brash bloke is just talking and talk doesn't matter much. We should just consider ourselves lucky he doesn't have a real job. Like managing a bank for instance."

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR HIRED TO DIG DIRT ON GOD

A private investigator has rocked the establishment by claiming that he has dossier of information about God that will send shock-waves and empty churches "faster than a visit by the Taliban."

The investigator Wayne Idour, claims he was hired to build the file by the Labour Party but Labour Party officials are denying involvement.

The allegation is the latest in a series of shocking revelations claiming criminal activity and sexual impropriety by MPs and the gathering of "dirt files" by snoops hired by the Exclusive Brethren sect.

Last week Wayne Idour admitted to gathering dirt on the Government and then went on to say he knew of Labour attempts to collect sleaze on it's political opponents. The latest claim involving the bugging of confessionals and fingerprinting of collection plates has brought howls of foul-play from the church.

"It's absolutely deplorable. Trying to dig up sleaze on God is beyond the pale," a leading Churchman told the Kiwi Herald.

Mr Idour however defended the investigation saying that if it was good enough for the Exclusive Brethren to dabble in politics it was "fair enough for the Labour Party to reciprocate, after all He should have nothing to hide since He consistently sets Himself up as some sort of moral authority."

Mr Idour would not comment on rumours that God had been at an election night 'laying on of hands' at Labour headquarters dressed in a stylish blue suit. He did however raise historic allegations that God was involved 'inappropriately' with a teenage virgin some 2000 years ago. The Kiwi Herald understands that an artist's impression of the teen (at left) will be published in next months Investigate magazine accompanied by a call for fresh information from the public

God could not be reached for comment.