SHOPLIFTERS FAIL TO MOVE STORE

Four Moenui teenagers appeared in the District Court yesterday charged with shop-lifting after they attempted to raise the Moenui 4 Square Store from it's current position on the corner of Parnell Street and deposit it in the harbour.

In evidence Constable Frank Tawhai said the only thing that prevented the successful commissioning of a major crime was the fact that the offenders underestimated the weight of the shop.
"I've not seen such an audacious and foolhardy attempt at crime since the Hoha brothers attempted to hold up the TAB back in '87," Constable Tawhai told the Court.
"On that occasion the TAB was shoulder height when the younger of the brothers lost his balance causing long-time TAB worker Madge Talthrop to fall across the electronic betting terminal and inadvertently place $204,000 on 'LateforLunch' in the 9th race."

Ms. Talthrop became Moenui's first millionaire as a consequence of the accident and surprised locals by marrying Fred Hoha who was twenty years her junior.

In the only other case to be brought before Judge D.B. Leattie yesterday a gang of three youths were charged with assault on rising shot-put star Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea. In evidence Tupaea said he was attacked on the way home from school by the 'bunch of nerds' who first taunted him because he could not recite from the Iliad and then pelted him with scrabble pieces. The case is continuing.

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL

Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store.

The book, entitled In My Ghostwriter's Own Words has been anticipated ever since the popular shop assistant was passed over in favour of a sixteen year old with exquisite breasts and an encyclopaedic knowledge of confectionary.

In the book Bailey claims that the young replacement, Wendy Petrie-Dish was hired because at sixteen she would work for "sweet bugger all" while Bailey was holding out for a continuation of her $22,800 salary.
"I was worth it. The salary was for my brand. Mention Moenui 4 Square to anyone 'round here and they think of me. I didn't get the nick-name 'Mother of the Village' for nothing," explained the perenially pregnant Bailey.
Bailey was 'gutted' when her salary was leaked to members of the public by her employer and says she found being called a 'rich bitch' really hurtful.'
"I know compared with most people 'round here eleven bucks an hour is alot of money but speaking in a global sense it is not," Bailey told the Kiwi Herald. "Look at all of those other women who front for businesses. I bet that Teresa Gattung and Julie Christie are earning double what I was."

DUNKING WITNESSED BY REPORTER

A leading pastor who performs 'water therapy on difficult women' has dismissed criticisms of the technique saying 'a dunk in the water' is a 'no brainer' if it saves husbands and families from lives of misery. The technique, witnessed by our reporter, involves the near-drowning of women in an attempt to gain confessions and information but has been criticised by liberal groups.
Reverand Richard Cheney who presides of the Moenui New Life Centre, told journalists that the modern family 'is being torn apart by covens of women intent on bringing civilisation to it's knees' through the promulgation of 'hateful doctrines.'
"Do not underestimate the evil of these women and their groups," said Mr Cheney. "I would be in dereliction of my duty as a leader if I did not perform the dunkings."
A journalist from the Kiwi Herald attended a dunking on Saturday morning, along with 300 cheering locals on the banks of the Wavenay River. The woman Janet MacMurdoch, wearing a fashionable orange jumpsuit, was tied to a seat on a plank and dunked several times in the river for periods up to one minute. On one occasion she was quickly untied and violently beaten about the chest until enough water was emptied from her lungs to allow the treatment to continue. She was then dunked again as many in the crowd cried 'Hallelujah' and 'confess you filthy slut.' Ms MacMurdoch, whose estranged husband described her as 'a mad man-hating witch' was eventually pulled, apparently lifeless, from the dunking chair and hurriedly taken away by ambulance. At this point Reverand Cheney told the rapturous crowd that "God has prevailed and Janet's therapy has succeeded. Before she left for rehabilititaion she whispered thanks to me and asked forgiveness for her sins. She has told me of others who plot evil against our God-fearing community."
Mr Cheney was carried shoulder high from the river-side by adoring supporters.

CHILD PACKAGED AS DOLL

From The Weekly World News

Ten-month-old Kathy Morben surprised toy shoppers this week when she turned up in a box for the popular Baby Lilly^TM line of dolls.

Kathy, who has since been reunited with her mother, owes her brief stint on store shelves to the strict maternity-leave policies at the Baby Lilly^TM factory.

"They wouldn't let me take time off, so I had to bring her to work," said Mrs. Morben, who inserts plastic left arms in hollow little bodies. "I was a little behind and placed her on the assembly line so I could use both hands."

Perforations in the Baby Lilly^TM box--which allow the dolls' realistic cries and coos to entice buyers--enabled Kathy to breathe during shipping and display.

Mrs. Morben tracked Kathy down using her daughter's lot number and UPC barcode. The mother's cries, screams, and bodily struggle to recover the girl made Mrs. Morben indistinguishable from the other holiday shoppers. Another family purchased the girl before her mother could reach her.

But Kathy was immediately returned to the store, amid complaints of her "excessive realism."

Mrs. Morben reports that her daughter seems uninjured, and untraumatized.

"Sometimes I find her sleeping in the toy box, but other than that she's fine," Morben said.

PARLIAMENT'S OPEN DAY CHANCE TO WITNESS VIOLENCE

Moenui Senior Citizens are off to Wellington for Parliament's open day this Sunday, excited by the possibility of 'a bit of the biff, some spilled blood and the chance of catching 'the Donsta' at it amongst the cross benches.'
"If what's been on the tellie and in the Kiwi Herald is anything to go by, the Big House has become the best show in town," said 66 year old Bob Threw, who has run the Moenui Fighting Gym for thirty years and has hired the buses for the trip.
"There used to be some clever verbal stouching in the house but now it's moved to the full monty. I can't wait to see the Mallard dishing out a spot of the how's your father to Bob the Builder and a few others. And I reckon it won't take alot to bring Gerry the Giant into a toe to toe either. He's been doing the angry man for so long now I figure he's due to deliver on some potential."
A number of pensioners spoken to by the Herald said that the possibilty of being in the corridoors of power when the planning and execution of a National Party leadership coup was in progress was 'a chance in a lifetime.'
"I still can quote from Julius Caesar which we studied in form four," says Hilda Happenstance. "Yond John Key hath a lean and hungry look. Such men are dangerous."
"Can you imagine it? The deals being done. The knives being bought?"
"I can see it now. 'E tu Gerry!' -and the ambitious one falls."
A small group of pensioners who thought that Don Brash was too popular to be rolled told The Herald they are hoping to pick up some tips from the man who they believe 'is absolute proof that there is life after sixty.'
A few gentlemen said they would also take the opportunity to visit a Wellington travel agent and check prices of flights to Singapore.

DRINK LAWS MUST CHANGE

Moenui resident Dulcie Willis is calling on parliament to re-introduce the six o'clock closing of hotels and bars saying her husband's dinner has been in the oven since 1967 and if he doesn't arrive home soon she will have to throw it out.
"It's a lovely piece of porterhouse I got in specially," says Mrs Willis.

Tho popular woman, who is president of the local Country Women's Institute, supports current moves to raise the drinking age to 20 and believes that while they are about it "MP's can strike a blow for family life by bringing back the six oclock swill."

"Forty nine years ago a man would wobble home from the pub on his push bike and sit down with the family for a piping-hot plate of meat and two veg. He could be relied upon to give the young fella a good clip round the ears if that was what was required and then we would all sit down in front of the tellie to watch Coro or Gunsmoke. Hubby would contentedly doze off only to be woken by that lovely Marama Martin saying her farewells and the Goodnight Kiwi putting out the cat. These days I doubt half the men round here would even know that Ken Barlow's kids have turned out to be wastrills. They'd be lucky to recognise their own kids now they are stuck in the pub 'til all hours."

Mrs Willis says that in the days of the swill bars were sodden troughs but that longer hours had made them so comfortable men had no need to come home.

"The Masonic in town here was a complete pig-sty with sawdust an the floor and nowhere to sit. These days it serves food, has comfy seating, games to play and even TV to watch. No wonder I haven't sighted Bill for 49 years."

AIR NZ TO MOVE NPC OFF-SHORE

Air New Zealand has confirmed that in keeping with it’s policy of moving it’s operations off-shore the National Provincial Rugby Competition will be played in Asia from next year.
The move, announced by Air NZ chairman John Palmer as he presented the 2006 trophy to victorious Waikato, will see all current provincial teams disbanded and re-established in Asia where crowds are expected to be bigger, costs lower and television rights more lucrative. The move follows recent out-sourcing of engineering services to China, clerical work to Fiji and plans to send baggage-handling and ticketing to Spain.

Speaking at Rugby Park in Hamilton Mr Palmer said that “running the competition on the Asian continent with it’s greater size and more competitive cost structures makes more sense than continuing to play rugby in a couple of insignificant islands far from major population centres"
Speaking to an exhilarated Waikato crowd Mr Palmer said, “By taking the competition to Asia we will grow the game and attract more customers to the National Airline. I’m sure you will be as excited as I am at the prospect of the Waikato Provincial team being re-located to a part of the world where the people regard the cow even more sacredly than here in Hamilton. Next year your team will be based in Mumbai.”
The Chairman went on to say that the Bay of Plenty team will re-form in Bali while Wellington is expected to make a seamless transfer to Pyongyang in North Korea. Auckland will be based in Hong Kong while Southland will relocate to the miserably cold Vladivostok where Tim Shadbolt is expected to run for the mayoralty.
The Kiwi Herald understands that Air New Zealand is confident it can save on player salaries by seeking out new recruits throughout Asia. Rugby scouts believe there is a ready supply of super-fit, nippy half-backs in the Himilayas and an answer to hooking problems in Thailand. Pakistan and neighbouring Afghanistan may well provide a brace of explosive runners and ruthless counter-attackers.

BUSH DECLARES VIETNAM AND IRAQ FOREIGN COUNTRIES

President George Bush conceded today that there are similarities between the war in Vietnam and the current conflict in Iraq. "Both Vietnam and Iraq are in other countries," he told reporters. "Other things that are similar are that both times we have been the good guy in the war, standing up against the evil-doer and both times the French have been disappointing."

Asked whether he thought the Vietnam war was now 'a comma in history' as he had predicted the Iraq war would be one day, Mr Bush said it was a smart question. "You betcha," he said. "You just need to take a look at a map of Vietnam to know it has a shape that is just like a comma; kind of a fat round bit at the top and a skinny curly tail."
Mr Bush was quizzed as to whether he agreed with an opinion by New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman that the current violence in Iraq was "the jihadist equivalent of the Tet offensive."
The President responded: "He could be right. Both the Jihadis and the Tet certainly are pretty offensive. I don't think we American's take offense easily. I mean we are fair minded and give and take but I think we draw the line at the Jihads and the Tets."