BIN LADEN BACKING BLACK BOAT

Al Quaeda yesterday announced a temporary unilateral truce with the USA, giving its operatives time-off to watch television coverage of the America's Cup finals.
The announcement, posted on an Al Quaeda linked web-site, explained that the sudden drop-off in news related to the war on terror during blanket media coverage of the America's Cup is not co-incidental.

"Osama Bin Laden himself is spending more time watching the Infidel's Cup and much less time watching Whitney Houston videos," a spokesman for a Jihadist Sport website told the Kiwi Herald. "The great man's Tora Bora cave is festooned with red socks. It echoes daily with shouts of "Go Black Magic!"

And interest in the Cup is not limited to the Muslim world. In Washington a White House spokesman confirmed that Dick Cheney and George Bush have avidly watched the first two races of the America's Cup in the oval office. Chewing on pretzels and surrounded by bottles of soda-pop the President nick-named the Swiss boat "Surge" after it raced away down-wind in the first race and refers to the Kiwi boat as "the Dark Force."

Elsewhere Kim Jong Il has put his nuclear ambitions on hold until the completion of the racing and China has commissioned thirteen more coal powered power stations to meet the demand for electricity created by millions of peasants wanting to watch the races live.

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can confirm that hundreds of starving children in Darfur died happy today in the knowledge that the Black Boat had won the second race of the Cup final.

TAMAKI, TAITO OFFERED CABINET POSTS

John Key today offered Bishop Brian Tamaki a Cardinalship should the Destiny New Zealand Party join the Key led Government following the next election. The move came shortly after the National Party leader stunned observors by saying that he was prepared to appoint a Green Party member as Minister for the Environment in exchange for that party's support.

Announcing the offer, the increasingly warm and inclusive Mr Key said that he could work with anyone. "Make me Prime Minister and I will make everyone happy," he smiled. He then went on to announce a possible cabinet line-up that included the following members of other parties should they agree to join his Government:

Taito Philip Field (Party yet to be named) -Minister of Immigration

Jim Anderton (Progressive) -Minister in Charge of the Reserve Bank

Winston Peters (NZ First) - Minister in charge of Overseas Travel

Tariana Turia (Maori Party) - Minister for De-Colonisation

Mihael Appelby (Legalise Cannabis Party) - Minister of Mental Health

Graeme Cairns (McGillicuddy Serious Party) - Minister for Scottish Devolution

NCEA REVAMP NEEDS REVAMP

A revamp of the NCEA exam system was welcomed by Moenui Principal Hone Morris yesterday as 'meritorious and approaching excellent but failing to achieve some things.' Speaking exclusively to the Kiwi Herald after all other news outlets refused to take his call, Mr Morris commented that the new gradings gave schools a greater range of awards to make but more options needed to be added.

"The awarding of merits and excellents is grand for a few brain-boxes but there still need to be more options for your ordinary overgrown, slightly out-of control, garden-variety teens. As it stands most kids can only aspire to a 'not achieved' or an 'achieved.' What kind of choice is that? How can you possibly hope to motivate kids with bland and blander."

Mr Morris went on to list what he described as 'a range of nuanced awards for the average and very average students.' These awards would include average, distinctly average, all right, fair, fairish, moderate, passable and tolerable. For students who did not fare so well Mr Morris suggested replacing not achieved with "some awards that spell out just how badly they failed." These included abysmal, completely worthless, naff, complete and utter failure and loser.

DICK HUBBARD GRANTED BAIL

BREAKING NEWS: In a shock move Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard was today granted bail by the High Court. Many Aucklanders did not know their Mayor was in jail and even greater number of those interviewed by the Kiwi Herald wished him well in his new role as Mayor of Te Kauwhata.

HIROSHIMA DEATHS MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY BOMB

A new report by Massey University researchers has found strong evidence that 80,000 people who died in Hiroshima on August 6 1945 may have perished as a consequence of an atomic explosion. A further 60,000 who died in subsequent months could also have been affected by the explosion.
The revelation comes as part of a report which has suggested that New Zealand seamen irradiated during hydrogen bomb tests in the Pacific in 1957 experienced genetic damage as a consequence.
Veterans Affairs Minister Rick Barker said the Government was open to new information and analysis which gave insight into the health effects of exposure to nuclear tests. "The report is very interesting and we will certainly look into it," said the Minister. "Mind you, Homer Simpson has been exposed to massive radiation doses at times and he seems to enjoy life and well frankly the Nips have a long record of trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Not that they have me fooled one bit with their claims to scientific whaling. Nor, by the way do I believe Kiesha Castle-Hughes really rode that whale."

'PUBLIC CAN JUDGE': TOP COP

Police Commissioner Howard Broad expects his fate to be decided "in the court of public opinion" after revelations that a video featuring him 'in acts of love' with a Shetland pony was shown at a Cabinet meeting.

Mr Broad hopes the incident, revealed in Investigate Magazine, will dispel any impression that he is "holier than thou" as he works on introducing a code of conduct for Police recommended by Dame Margaret Bazley .

"If I'm not the right person to do this then others will point that out to me," he said.

Mr Broad's comments came during an interview with the Herald last night in which he denied Investigate claims that he had groped a young policewoman and shot the entire Bain family, but admitted his part in the video saying that he had 'lived a life and this part is included in it.'

"Sure I could have insisted to my pony friend Krystal that the camera be turned off. I could have stood on my high horse but it wasn't that sort of relationship," a clearly aroused Mr Broad told the Herald.

On whether he thought he was still the right person for the job as Police Commissioner, he replied that the average Kiwi could be assured that he had no sexual interest in them. "Birds have never been my thing," he said. "Whats more I think ordinary folk will read about this and know I am one of them. They won't try and point the finger at me and say that I'm on a soap box or in a holier-than-thou position. I think they are going to see me as a real human being, an ordinary New Zealander with a deep love of animals."

CLARK, KEY FORM GOVT OF NATIONAL UNITY

The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition today announced the formation of a Government of National Unity after earlier coming to an agreement over the controversial Child Discipline Bill.
In a move that has stunned political analysts Helen Clarke announced that National and Labour will continue to work together to "advance the interests of good parents and good children everywhere -and all the other good people too."
A beaming Mr Key told reporters: "It seems so right that we should continue our new found common-cause this way."
Describing the moment when the leaders agreed to form the new Government Mr Key said that "after we had agreed on the smacking bill we went to shake hands and for a wonderful moment our eyes met. It was as though we both knew, at that instant, that our differences didn't matter anymore. In a sudden outpouring of emotion I began to say to Helen that we should unite as one, but she interrupted me and said 'John, I know. For the peoples sake let us now walk side-by-side.'
In the new spirit of co-operation Miss Clark and John Key will chair Cabinet "week and week about" while Michael Cullen and Bill English have already found a "lovely little bachelor pad to share."
Meanwhile Catherine Rich has apparently promised to give Sue Bradford some make-up tips before the two celebrate by 'hitting the dress stores.'

Taking their lead from the Child Correction amendment both major parties have agreed to withdraw the whip except in inconsequential cases such as "when Steve Maharey says a rude word or Brian Connel is a little bit naughty." Miss Clark hastily added that they would "just receive a light tap, and quite an inconsequential one at that," while Mr Key said the whip would be applied lovingly.

TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'

More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to "multi-task" as part of a productivity drive.
A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'
Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.
"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."
Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front Agenda. The show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on Dancing With the Stars.
The Kiwi Herald is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.
"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.