POLICE TALK TO SUSPECT AT FAST FOOD RESTAURANT

Moenui Police were this morning interviewing a suspected paedophile in a Subway outlet in nearby Kainui. The choice of the unusual venue followed a statement from the lawyer of Chris Kahui whose twin children were killed last week. The lawyer said in her statement that her client would only talk with police at MacDonalds.

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai said conducting interviews in a fast food outlet was unusual but was part of an ongoing experiment by police to interview people in more "conducive environments."

"Alot of people find police stations quite intimidating. They find it difficult to loosen up with the sound of cell doors clanging and officers practicing taser technique. So when I read Lorraine Smith's comment something clicked. It's obvious really. There's no better place to have a good old chin-wag than over a good feed in pleasant surroundings."

Though Constable Tawhai was unable to tell the Herald details of his interview at this stage he was able to say that he had enjoyed a Spicy Italian Melt while the suspect had eaten two Kiddie Meals saving the roll-ups for later.

"Obviously," said Tawhai "a fast-food outlet does not suit everybody. I'm meeting with a pensioner later who is helping with our enquiries on another matter. We'll probably have a nice pot of tea and a lamington at the Mitre 10 tearooms."

The Constable said he was still continuing with plans to employ media interviewers to help solve crime, an idea he had earlier in the week when Susan Wood entered a South Auckland police station to interview Macsyn King, mother of the Kahui twins. This week Jason Gunn and Candy Lane will be in town to ask the questions. The event is being promoted as “Grassing to the Stars.”

Constable Tawhai is considering combining the two concepts in an attempt to solve white collar crime. “I’ll need to find a place that serves good coffee and is a bit classy. I’m negotiating to bring in Ric Salizzo to ask the questions and I’ll advertise it as “Rorts Café.”

A kids Pak similar to that eaten by the suspect
Original story: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=1&ObjectID=10389051

MAN APPEALS FOR LIFE

“Give me my life back.” With these words local resident John Riley appealed to Moenui today in a statement that brought an outpouring of sympathy from the public. Riley who has no recollection of when and where his life went missing says that his wife’s pleas for him to “get a life” have finally prompted him to seek help from the community.
”Every time I hear that someone is leading the life of Riley I go through a period of anxiety and grieving. To think that someone else is out there, living my life and apparently having such a good time is just so heart-breaking. To reflect that it could be me that’s living the high life. I could really go for a slap up meal a fast car and a fast woman right now.”
Riley quickly withdrew the comment about the fast woman, saying that his wife was a wonderful person. He then rushed home to watch Oprah.

John Riley in happier times

MANY INJURED IN RUSH TO GET IN BEHIND POLICE

MANY INJURED IN RUSH TO GET BEHIND POLICE

Several people suffered injuries today when Moenui residents responded to a call to get behind the police in their campaign to reduce domestic violence. In what Constable Fred Tawhai described as an “unseemly scramble to be the first in the queue,” 15 people were injured, one of them seriously.

Constable Tawhai said he was initially heartened by the public response but "things soon turned to custard as several people were knocked to the ground and trampled underfoot."

Local commentator Frank Lush who observed the incident from the Garden Bar of the Masonic Hotel said he hadn't seen a stampede like it since local lottery winner Jimmy Wallace announced he was paying for the drinks.

Moenui Hospital treated and released all but two of the victims. One of these had suffered serious head injuries while another simply refused to leave saying "I'm not going home to that bastard."

MINISTER STUNNED

Moenui Minister John Paul is recovering well in hospital after being injured during his Sunday sermon. Worshippers report that after reading the text "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," Father Paul was struck by a brick.

GRASSING TO THE STARS

Scores of people today volunteered information about the death of the Kahui twins and a number of other unsolved crimes, following Susan Wood's interview of the twins' mother at a South Auckland police station last night.
The interview of Macsyn King in the waiting room of a police station obviously struck a chord with many people who turned up at the police stations throughout the country offering to talk to Susan Wood and in some cases Mark Sainsbury.
In Moenui, Constable Frank Tawhai was astonished by the turn-out.
"We had people here from first light asking to talk to Susan. Some had been following the Kahui Twins' case and reckoned they'd worked out who was responsible from the photos of the tangi and comments from Pita Sharples. There were also a number of women who said they had information they would share with John Campbell if we could get him in and and we even had a young guy prepared to spill the beans to Eva the Bulgarian."

Constable Tawhai said the willingness of people to talk with media interviewers was understandable and challenged police to change their practice.
"I watched Susan talking to the twins' mum last night and thought she was just brilliant. You could see she was drawing on all her experience of trying to get the truth from Prime Ministers and public officials, the kind of experience that a police investigator can never get. And Susan was human too. Really beautiful but down to earth. I sensed that Macsyn knew she was being spoken to by someone who really cared. A Mum. A woman who understood. You could see in Macsyn's eyes that she felt the empathy flowing out of Susan. She understood that Susan really was saying to her, 'I understand your pain and your dark secret. I have been there. I once shouted at my children when my world spun out of control"

Constable Tawhai says that from next week Moenui Police Station will be setting up a roster of media interviewers to help solve crime. "I figure there are a whole lot of people out there who know a whole lot about unsolved crimes. All they need is a half famous interviewer to tell."
Constable Tawhai is advertising the first day of interviews for next Monday and has already signed up Candy Lane and Jason Gunn to ask the questions. He is promoting the event as "Grassing to the Stars."

MAYOR ANGRY : TEENS BORED

Moenui District Council was today locked in an urgent strategy meeting aimed at limiting damage caused to the town by being named New Zealand's most boring.

The town easily won the title in an on-line poll run by the web-site "Rate my Teacher" which is currently surveying student opinions on a range of topics.
Moenui students described their town as "boring," really boring" and "dead-shit boring" at double the rate of other respondents. One Moenui teen wrote, "I am so bored I want to die. Please shoot me now."
Mayor Richard Hubbard was visibly upset when told the results of the poll. "By golly this has raised my blood pressure," he said. "Publishing this silly poll could damage the morale of the town and the local economy. For goodness sakes. All teenagers are bored. Either bored or overstimulated, and I know which I prefer."

Melodie-Ann Lewis who is chair of the Moenui Area School Student Council was excited by the poll result. "Wicked eh?" she said. "I mean Moenui is really out there now. There are millions of people who are now reading about little old Moenui. Who knows what this could lead to?"

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel said that in spite of the excitement the kahawai would continue to run for a few days yet.

CAPILL SAYS CHILD ABUSE A MAORI PROBLEM

Graham Capill has joined the chorus of politicians and celebrities describing child abuse as a Maori problem.

The former Christian Heritage Party leader said, “It is time to end the political correctness that bedevils public life and speak out. Everyone knows that Maori violence against children is endemic and it is rubbish to pretend anything else. So-called Maori leaders need to stand up and deal with the problem.” The statement from Capill, speaking from prison, appears on a video released to the Herald by a member of the Moenui Church of God. The statement also calls on members of the Kahui family to "show some guts," front-up to the police and turn over the person responsible for the death of twins Chris and Cru. “I agree with the Prime Minister that this case is like Once were Warriors” he said. Mr Capill then went on to say that he had not seen the movie and was glad he had not because it was directed by someone who had since shown himself to be “morally suspect.”

Meanwhile the spokesperson for the Kahui family, Ani Hawke says that now that the children’s tangi is over it should not be long before the family comes forward and provides information to the police about who was responsible for the deaths. “As Tangata Whenua we have to observe Maori Tikanga. It was necessary to first deal with the spiritual and observe the tangi of our babies. We also had Matariki, the Maori New Year fall at this time and there may be some further delay because of the traditional fishing calendar requires that nets are repaired and the kumara are readied for the spring planting."

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai has expressed frustration at the failure of family members to come forward and name the person or persons responsible for the death of the twins but says he will achieve a result.

“I must admit that this is turning into a bit of a chess game,” Tawhai told the Herald. “Its slow but I reckon we’ll get there. I’ve been studying the classic Ruy Lopez chess openings and some of Kasparov’s variations and so I'm confident I’ve got their measure.”

DOGS LOOK FOR WORK

The number of dogs seeking work has risen sharply following the passing of legislation which makes micro-chipping of dogs compulsory except in cases where they are working.

From first light this morning local farmers reported stray dogs turning up to help with mustering and a Moenui woman who is blind told the Herald that she has been overwhelmed by offers of help.

“Everytime I step outside there’s a huntaway bringing me yet another unwanted copy of the Herald or a border-collie trying to drag me off to catch the bus.”

Moenui dairy farmer Ossie MacDonald said that the three extra dogs at milking this morning created chaos. “They were completely untrained for the job. Every time I called ‘get in behind’ there was a scramble between them to be last in the queue behind the herd. As much as I’d like to see every dog that wants to work get a job, I had to see them off the property in the end.”

Meanwhile a number of Moenui residents have expressed outrage at the new law.

“This law is just is just so unfair,” said Melodie-Ann Lewis who chairs the Area School Student Council. “It is just like discrimination against some dogs. I mean my dog (pictured right) is a Chinese Crested and way the coolest, cutest pet I’ve ever had and she just couldn’t go out to work, unless maybe in the fashion industry. But there’s no fashion industry in this stink town. In fact most people here wouldn’t know fashion if it bit them on the bum.”

Local commentator Frank Lush, speaking this morning from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, said that the law-makers had created a legal mine-field.

“I reckon there are more loopholes in this act than you’d find at a tax-lawyers convention. Already I hear that the louts who run the dog-fights down at the car graveyard are applying to register their pit-bulls as working dogs. And I reckon that being best friend to some buggers in this town must be real hard work.”

Meanwhile a number of residents have reported an upsurge of pet dogs bringing their owners slippers and menacing Jehovah’s Witnesses. “I suppose some good has come of the law,” says Lush.

Dogs studying the Work Offered postings on the Moenui community noticeboard this morning.

PARENTS WANT PROBATIONARY PERIOD

Exasperated local parents are petitioning parliament for a change to family law that will create a 9 year probationary period in which parents can decide whether or not to keep a new child.

Spokesperson for the parents group Wayne Mapp explained that the law would help parents in a stressful time and build better families. “Having a child is a big step and a lot of parents find that the child they thought was right for them just doesn’t fit in. We want a trial period in which families can decide whether the child is the one for them. As the law stands alot of potential parents back away from taking the plunge because they are afraid the child will be unsuitable.”

Mapp cited examples where new children had been poor sleepers and had been slow to toilet train. He cited cases where children had proven to be disruptive. “All of us have watched TV programmes like Supernanny and Little Angels. Would you want those kids in your family? Sometimes letting a child go is the best for all concerned and a law that says otherwise is just political correctness gone mad.”

Meanwhile, 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis who chairs the Moenui Area School student council, has come out in support Mr Mapp saying she wishes she had been cut adrift from her family while she was young enough to make a fresh start. “Living with my selfish bitch older sister has been hell,” Melodie told the Herald. “If Mappie’s amendment had been law who know’s I could have been going to Auckland’s Junior College instead of this boring stink hole.”

"Some children are unsuited to family life," say petitioners