PETERS TO GOVERN FIJI

Fiji will awake this morning to the news that Winston Peters has replaced Laisenia Qarase as Prime Minister of the island nation. Diplomatic sources revealed last night that the NZ Government had negotiated the deal with Commodore Voreqe Bainimarama, avoiding a coup and leaving the door open for Major Ron Mark to take control of the NZ First Party.

Insiders say that Winston Peters' record as an anti-corruption campaigner, especially his role in the Wine Box investigation were critical in persuading the Fijian military Commander to accept the Kiwi veteran politician as PM.

"I am a long-time admirer of Winston," said the Commander. We in the army are determined that Fiji has a clean-up and to paraphrase Winston himself, the current Prime Minister "has sat too long for any good he has been doing. Depart, we say."
"The time has come to take away that fool's bauble."

Commander Bainimarama, also expressed admiration for Mr Peters' suits, saying the NZ First leader 'never fails to pass muster.'

Sources close to Mr Peters say that he is looking forward to his new role which will be 'a little like keeping the peace amongst the factions of the National Party - but in a climate much more like Northland than Wellington.'

BUSH SAYS NO 'CIVIL WAR'

President George Bush continued today to deny that the 1861-65 war between the states was an American Civil War, saying the period was instead a period of 'sectarian violence fomented by folk with a deep hatred of freedom."

Speaking from Estonia en route to Latvia the President said that the fighting between Americans was "fomented by outsiders promoting alien ideas."
"These evil-doers turned good Americans against each other, causing terrible loss and suffering and we all know 'a house devided against itself cannot stand."
The President said that like President Jefferson Davis and those who followed him, he would 'go the distance in Iraq.'
"This administration intends to be like Kevin Costner in 'Field of Dreams," said the President."We will go the distance. People will come."
"Like baseball America will persist. And as in the days of old, Iraqi brothers will once again share a kebab with a can of coke."
Following his speech Fox News reported a surge in the President's popularity ratings.

FIRST DOG FIRST IN NEW IRAQ POLICY

U.S. troops stationed in Iraq hailed an unannounced and unaccompanied visit Monday from Barney, the White House senior dog who belongs to President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush.
Landing in Baghdad's Green Zone aboard Air Force One amid extremely tight security, the Scottish terrier met with nearly 800 troops at a military mess hall, then visited Camp Victory, the U.S. military headquarters on the outskirts of Baghdad. In both locations, the 6-year-old First Dog was greeted with loud cheers and standing ovations by servicemen and women.

"Barney's visit really cheered us all up," said Army Spc. Anthony Udall, who was given the privilege of escorting Barney across the airport tarmac. "I can't tell you how great it is that the White House would send one of its own to spend some time with us out here."

Although was in Iraq for less than a day, he maintained a busy schedule while there. Events included handshakes with top U.S. field commanders, a tour of the base's new recreation facility, and a ride in an armored vehicle. Besides sitting and staying at a military briefing, Barney also participated in the ground-breaking for a new visitors reception center at Camp Victory, during which he energetically dug alongside camp officials.

The First Dog

Barney, the highest-ranking official to visit Iraq in months, had a full schedule:

• 8 a.m. Morning walk with generals on the ground
• 9 a.m. "Sit-down" with troops
• 10:30 a.m. Game of catch
• 12 p.m. Lunch, photo ops
• 1 p.m. Bathroom break
• 1:05 p.m. Moment of silence for fallen soldiers
• 2 p.m. Treats

For the full story read The Onion

BROWNLEE GOES, TE HEUHEU ARRIVES

In a development described as 'visionary' Gerry Brownlee is to stand aside as Deputy Leader of the National Party to make way for Georgina Te Heuheu.
Ms. Te Heuheu, who for several months has been mistaken by other caucus members as a member of the parliamentary cleaning staff, will be a 'key part' of new leadership's strategy to broker a deal with the Maori Party.
"Under Don, when the party-line was that 'real Maoris' didn't really exist we forgot about Georgina," an insider told the Kiwi Herald. "If we noticed her at caucus meetings at all we just assumed she was one of the brownish tea ladies or a late finishing cleaner. I remember on one occasion Gerry asking her if there were any more Tim-tams and another time Judith Collins offered her 'some pin-money doing a little ironing for her ainga."
"Always the polite one, Georgina said thanks but she didn't understand Samoan."

The same informant told the Herald that new strategists believe the National Party can only achieve Government in 2008 by becoming 'Maori friendly' and making a deal with the Maori Party.
"At an informal caucus someone commented that telling Hone Harawira he's not a proper Maori isn't working and then Lockwood suggested that we promote someone with a really good sun-tan to a leadership role."
"When Tau Henare cleared his throat everyone kind of looked panicked and then in walked the 'tea lady' apologising for being delayed by visiting constituents. Suddenly old Clem Simich looked up from reading the order paper and suggested that the former Minister of Maori Affairs was an ideal candidate for Deputy Leader and pretty soon, everyone was agreeing it was a brilliant stroke."
Gerry Brownlee apparently agreed to standing aside when Ms. Te Heuheu promised that he could accompany her to Marae where 'a cracking good feed is always assured.'
Meanwhile a last minute change of name by deed-poll for Katherine Rich has failed to gain the support she needed for the Deputy's job. Many thought that Katherine Moderately-Well -Off sounded even less friendly to the average voter than her previous name.
The Herald understands that Don Brash has agreed to stay on in the shadow cabinet as spokesperson on Asian and other Affairs. It is believed that once National is in Government the former leader will be appointed Ambassador to the Vatican.

BRASH LAMBASTS POLES

The leader of the National Party Don Brash today launched a blistering attack on New Zealand's Polish population saying they had far too much influence on the political life of the nation 'especially since there are so few full-blooded Poles living here.'
Dr Brash was responding to questions about a new survey that suggests that his deputy John Key is almost as popular as the National Party Leader.
"Frankly," Dr Brash told journalists "I think most New Zealanders have heard more than enough from the Polish community. New Zealanders are a tolerant people but not a day seems to go by without some Pole telling us what are supposed to think. Well I have news for these people. That kind of mind-control may have worked in Gdansk ship-yards but it wont work here."
In a rare show of political consensus Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen told the Kiwi Herald that "the Poles are given far to much weight by commentators. Everyone knows that Samoans, especially those living in Mangere, are the ones who decide elections."


Young Polish women in Christchurch practice a cultural dance

INJUNCTION STALLS MOVIE

Moenui pensioners John and Jane Doe revealed tonight that a sex video based on Don Brash's emails may never reach the screen. "It's a tragedy," Mrs Doe told reporters. "The nation may never see this real cracker skin-flick."
Speaking at an especially arranged press conference at the Sunset Pensioner Village the septuagenarian couple who star in the video said that the injunction expressly banning them from publishing left them disappointed and out of pocket.
"We are in the same position as Nicky Hagar," said a clearly upset Jane Doe. "Except we left out the boring political stuff and just featured the sexy bits."
"We've spent months training for the exhausting roles and then filming and now we are left with a whole heap of tape and unpaid physio and drug bills," John Doe told the Kiwi Herald. "I may even have to return the new dentures I got for the role. That's if I can find them and aah frankly I can't remember whether I wore them in the final scene involving the Exclusive Brethren or not."

Mrs Doe said that her husband had been perfect in the role of Dr Brash; a man with an extraordinary inability to remember anything that happened more than two minutes previously but an absolute God in the bedroom.
She could not reveal any details of the video but did not discount suggestions that former National Party President Collinge has a cameo role nor that Kim Jung Il has added an advance copy of the movie to his vaste collection.

GOD FAILS TO SHOW AT CRUISE WEDDING

VATICAN CITY - God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he did not attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he feared his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many God watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women and movie stars outside the church.

God's statement insists, however, that his absence was motivated simply by a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, God's decision should not be interpreted as payback for Mr. Cruise' snub of God's mother, Oprah Winfrey, who was not invited to the wedding.

"Nevertheless," Vatican insiders whisper "there was no way the big guy was going after he heard L. Ron Hubbard's seat at the wedding table was closer to the groom's than his."

In other reports from the wedding guests were "strongly advised" to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to give themselves time to freshen up after being strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were be confiscated, and guests' hands stamped with an image of a L. Ron Hubbard.
Guests who left the reception hall, were not readmitted.

By Chip Hilton
Reprinted from The Pugbus http://www.pugbus.net/

BRASH STILL LEADS NATS , MOORE PM

New Zealanders awoke this morning to the startling news that Don Brash is still the leader of the National Party causing suggestions that the media is unreliable and feuling rumours that a toupee-wearing Mike Moore may have been Prime Minister for the past seven years.

The endlessly predicted fall of Dr Brash, first reported by Nostradamus in a 1557 edition of Quatrains, is being regarded with increased scepticism by the public. Moenui commentator Frank Lush told the Kiwi Herald that the failure of the prediction to come to fruition was causing widespread doubt in the veracity of media reports.
"Lets face it," said Mr Lush, "By my count, the coup against Don Brash has been announced 373 times by media in the past seventeen weeks and the wiley old bugger is still there. The gap between forecast and fact is leading to a real crisis of confidence in the fourth estate."

Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, Lush described the the on-going 'fall of Brash' story as the New Zealand equivalent of US reportage of imminent victory in Iraq.
"No one really believes it anymore. Everyone knows that the supposedly bumbling Magoo-like Brash has turned out to have a sex-life of an Al Qaeda prince and is forever in secret meetings with jokers who are on first-name basis with the big fella upstairs. John Key on the other hand is turning out to be a smiling Donald Rumsfeld; big on promise but tardy on delivery."

Lush says that some kiwis he has spoken with have completely lost faith with the media reportage. "Just yesterday some bloke staggered into the bar out of the driving rain and said,"If that's the 'sun with occasional cloud' the TV reckoned we were due for, Mike Moore's the Prime Minister."