BRASH "MY MAORI ARE FROM SINGAPORE"

After an announcement by famous ethnologist Dr Don Brash that Maori don't exist anymore many Moenui residents woke this morning complaining they had dreamed that they were from Singapore.
"Bloody hell," said one local. "I woke up in a cold sweat. I dreamt I was being taken on some sort of tour by this clever pakeha fella and he was introducing me to crowds of people as being from Singapore. I kept saying 'nah mate I'm Maori,' but he wouldn't have a bar of it aye. 'No,' he kept saying. 'Maori don't exist and what's more they were never indigenous. Trust me you are better off being from Singapore.'
The same dream, with slight variations was shared by scores of others presenting themselves at Moenui Hospital today.
"It's a mental health nightmare," hospital spokesperson Fairlie Crook told the Kiwi Herald.
"Locals feel betrayed, confused and even angry at Dr Brash's announcement that Maori don't exist. These people have spent a lifetime thinking of themselves as Maori and as indigenous. Then Doctor Brash comes along and throws a thousand years of history out the window. I'm not saying he is wrong of course. Everyone knows he is a brilliant man and a highly regarded race theorist but I just wish he had warned us before his announcement. We could have had a strategy in place like a series of "It's Great Not To Be Maori" radio, tv and print advertisements pointing out to locals that being honorary pakeha means you live in flasher houses get arrested less often and live to know your grandchildren."

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, said the whole business would be 'forgotten by lunchtime.'
"This Brash bloke is just talking and talk doesn't matter much. We should just consider ourselves lucky he doesn't have a real job. Like managing a bank for instance."