TYPICAL MAORI HAS 43% PAKEHA NOSE

A New Zealand geneticist has found that the average Maori is 43 percent European and that some three percent have Jewish connexions, 'making it quite possible someone in Moenui is related to Jesus.'
Dr Rod Lea's findings are based on nose measurements of 10,000 Maori and a similar number of pakeha. The system, known as proboscal categorisation, was first used by German scientists during the nineteen thirties, and has been refined and extended by Dr Lea. Using the technique Dr Lea measures nostril width and nose-bone shape to map an individual's racial heritage.
"A true Maori nose is as different from a classic Anglo-Saxon hooter as that is from a Jewish schnoz. Using our technique we can determine where an individual figures on the racial spectrum."
Meanwhile social commentators are excited by the finding.
"Take Waitangi Treaty claims," sociologist Dr. Dennis Brash told the Kiwi Herald. "In the typical situation a Maori person with a treaty grievance will now be able to negotiate directly with the European part of themselves, cutting out the middle man. I imagine the cost of treaty settlements should fall appreciably."
Educationalist Howard Fancypants sees advantages for parents. "Early proboscal analysis of children will help parents decide what their youngster is likely to excel at. Parents will be able to decide whether to buy their child a guitar and a football for their third birthday or perhaps an abacus and a subscription to Easybuy magazine."
However Moenui Commentator Frank Lush was less effusive in his praise for the innovation. Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel Lush commentated that "Next thing some egg-head will be wanting to tell you your whakapapa by measuring your penis, or God help us by doing a blood test."
A German scientist measures noses in the 1930's