I WAS PERFORMING PUBLIC SERVICE SAYS SHIPTON

Convicted rapist, former policeman and city councillor Brad Shipton today confirmed being involved in videotaped 'team policing' orgies where fat policemen or men pretending to be fat policemen had sex with vulnerable young women using law-enforcement equipment such as handcuffs and batons. Mr Shipton, whom Auckland Police Commissioner Clint Rickards claims as a friend, says he wasn't cruel to the women involved.

Meanwhile, in an entirely unrelated incident, the Kiwi Herald's satirical writer was today offered redundancy.

BUSH PANICS UNDER PM'S STARE

President George W Bush this morning achieved an 'achieved' in NCEA level one Geography during a tough oral examination under the stealy gaze of Prime Minister Helen Clark who acted as supervisor. A clearly panicked President (see picture above) appeared to be thrown by the withering stare of the New Zealand PM but managed to remember a number of places on the international map. Remembering to mention the South Pacific 'where Hawaii Five O is,' seemed to clinch a favourable result, bringing a hint of a smile to the lips of the supervisor.
White House circles later commented that Mr Bush had heard tales of Ms Clark's disciplining of members of her own Government and was 'feeling a little nervous before the test but went into a bit of a panic when the Prime Minister mentioned that the anti-smacking bill had not become law yet.'

'STINK' SCHOOL OPTS OUT OF NCEA

In a move that has stunned the Ministry of Education, Moenui Area School has announced that it is abandoning the NCEA and will instead enter its students in the Tirau examinations. The move comes hot on the heals of statements by other leading schools, Avondale College and St Cuthberts School for Girls announcing that they are considering entering students in the Cambridge exams.
Moenui Principal Hone Morris said that his students were "fed up with the NCEA" and needed to be challenged. The school had investigated the Cambridge exams but decided instead to opt for the Tirau examinations because Tirau is near to Cambridge and used to be called Oxford.
"Need I say more?" said Mr Morris.
Principal Morris, who once played goal-keeper for the New Zealand A Underwater Hockey team, told the Kiwi Herald that "the young men and women of Moenui despise the hum-drum of NCEA. The drudge of competing for 'achieveds' and 'merits' in an internally moderated pool is not for them. They follow the school motto which is 'Seek for the Mountain Top-but always dress warmly and take plenty of scroggin.'
"All the students I have spoken too are dead keen to enter exams in dog-handling, corrugated iron sculpture, clock-making and dressing-up as offered by the On-line University of Tirau.
Moenui Area School student Melodie-Ann Lewis described the move as "another pathetic attempt to make this stink school seem less stink."

SEPTEMBER 11 MASTERMIND CONFESSES

The alleged mastermind of the September 11 bombings yesterday confessed to his crimes after suddenly recalling life before Guantanamo.

	Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

"I awoke this morning and it all came rushing back. Yes, I was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said, before explaining that in the Arabic alphabet he was responsible from alif to yāʼ which meant he was especially responsible because that involved 28 letters.

"I remember it all now. Thanks to almost four years of analysis at American taxpayer expense I can now say quite categorically that it was I who planned the crimes at the request of Osama Bin Laden. I also put together plans to kidnap Whitney Houston and infiltrate the White House disguised as a Persian carpet, " he said.

Mohammed, who was arrested in Rawalpindi in 2003 and is known to have a penchant for orange boiler suits, is believed to be considering lucrative offers to have his story told in a Hollywood blockbuster. The Kiwi Herald cannot confirm reports that Taito Philip Field has been approached to play the lead role, of a man who is investigated endlessly and awaits a trial that never seems to come.

KIWI MUMS AND DADS GET IN LAST FEW SLAPS

Most Moenui children reported receiving 'a good thrashing' on Wednesday as parents 'got in a last few licks' before smacking was outlawed under anti-smacking legislation.
Area School Principal Hone Morris said that most children arrived at school saying that Mum and Dad had given them 'a good larruping while thay still had the chance.'
"Many kids said that Dad had given them a real paddling even though they were behaving perfectly, saying that part of being a Kiwi was to experience 'a hiding they would never forget.
According to Mr Morris many children were unable to sit during assembly and a large number we re incapable of writing having received 'an inordinate number of smacks on the hand over the past 24 hours as parents attempted to dissuade their children from 'ever pushing a fork into an electric plug, touching a hot-plate or indulging in heavy petting with the low-lifes next door.'
Moenui political analyst Godbur Roberts told the Kiwi Herald that the outbreak of 'correction and discipline' in the community 'seems to be part of a wider international trend toward use of the pre-emptive strike. In other words hit while you can.'
Meanwhile local ruddy-faced barfly Angus McLagan, who is routinely described as having 'a face like a slapped arse' today came out in support of the Bradford Bill, saying that he would be 'taking time out from public life and drinking at home until such times as the law is accepted by the community.'

WOMAN FOR TOP POLICE JOB?

Police area commander Inspector Peter Cowan has defended the use of an all-female policing unit at an anti-rape protest rally last night saying, "These young women are the face of policing in the 21st century and even if I say so myself they're a damned pretty face."

The commander was responding to accusations that he had cynically put female officers in the front-line because protesters were venting their anger at a police culture which was abusive of women.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," commented Cowan. "The modern police force really likes girls. In fact we can't get enough of them in the force. What may or may not have happened thirty years ago is in the past. These days the women who apply to become police officers are motivated, talented and frankly, bloody georgeous. They're not your stereotypical down-at the-heal, shot-put throwing, plain Jane of yesteryear."

"They are the future of policing. They can diffuse almost any potentially difficult situation. These girls can hand out a traffic-ticket to a bloke like they're passing over an invitation for group sex . . . and having them slip you into handcuffs is ...well .... very exciting."

Inspector Cowan refused to comment on whether he thought fellow Commander Clint Rickards would return to his old job as Auckland Commander. He did however think that one day a woman would take on Auckland's top policing job.

"Auckland Central in Cook Street is such an ugly soul-less building. Really, only a spunky little woman with design sense could give it a make-over," he said.