CONCERN NATIONAL 'OVER AROUSED'

National Deputy Leader Gerry Brownlee was treated in hospital Thursday night when he suffered a wrist injury while cart-wheeling down the steps of Parliament. The incident occurred on a great day for National which began with excellent poll results for the party and got better with news that Taito Philip Field was being investigated by the police has however prompted concern among strategists.
Such was the euphoria of leading National politicians that concerned strategists last night called an emergency meeting to "curb the arousal level of a team racing towards Government." The meeting was designed to reign in the enthusiasm of key party spokespeople so that they did not "overplay their hands at this early stage in the political cycle."
However the meeting was too late to prevent a testosterone-filled Don Brash say on TV One's 'NZ Close Up' programme that he had no faith in the police investigation into Field because the force is "a bunch of Labour Party stooges who relentlessly hounded Shane Ardern for driving a tractor up the steps of Parliament on a single occasion but has consistently failed to intercept a well known art fraudster who climbs those steps every day."
A well placed National Party source (currently 3rd equal on the Party's 'Pick the Polls' sweepstake) told the Kiwi Herald that strategists were relieved that Dr. Brash had fallen short of questioning why "the woman who stole the 2005 election was not being investigated in relation to the theft of the Mexican election."
Meanwhile members of Auckland's Thai community are expressing relief that Lockwood Smith has passed over information on Taito Philip Field to the police. A spokesperson for the community told the Kiwi Herald that Thai people will now get relief from being approached by "Sir asking when where and why Taito took money from them and made them work as slaves."
Labour Party insiders expressed relief today that "Tonto Philip and the Man in the White Hat have finally been smoked out of their hole in the Beehive." An un-named spokeswoman said that "with any luck we will be shot of the pair of them by the next election."

COUNCIL SAYS LAKE 'WRONG COLOUR'

The Moenui District Council today directed that Lake Rotonui be "re-coloured, or drained and filled in" after it was found that the current deep blue colour did not fall within District Plan guidelines.
"Frankly it is an eyesore," Council CEO Duncan Field told The Kiwi Herald. "It stands out like the dogs proverbials against the muted grey and green tones of the eroding hills and the scrub and gorse. The District Plan is quite clear that resource consent will only be granted where colour is derived from the predominant landscape. Clearly Lake Rotonui is out of step and we have ordered landowners bordering the Lake to take appropriate steps to remedy the situation."
Last year local peak Mount Sharp was "rounded off" after the planning Commissioners found it's "brash up-thrusting created a visual dissonance in an otherwise gently rolling and emotionally soothing vista."

ARMY FAILS TO FIND SHOPPERS HELD HOSTAGE

The Army's crack anti-terrorism squad today raided the offices of the National Distribution Union but failed to find any hostages. The action was prompted by full page pieces in most major dailies where Progressive Enterprises, owners of major supermarket chains, said shoppers were being held hostage by striking unionists.
Army spokesperson Colonel Jack Major said after the raids that it was early days, the identities of those held hostage were as yet unknown but he was confident 'a good result' would be achieved.
"We've got the Reverand Jessie Jackson coming. He's volunteered to negotiate the release of all those held just as soon as he finishes persauding Hisbollah to release those Israeli soldiers. In the meantime we've got local expert Chrisyopher Harder on board."
Meanwhile Foodtown shopping reporter and dietitian Marnie Oberer has recorded a series of emotional appeals to the hostage-takers not to skimp on fresh meat and vegetables when feeding their captors. She has recommended "a couple of slow cooking recipes and a few envigorating snacks to help fill those long periods of just sitting around reading Das Kapital."
Meanwhile three missing people were found when the army scoured supermarkets for missing shoppers. An elderly Invercargill couple were discovered 'cosy but slightly greasy' after two weeks escaping cold weather down the back of a Foodtown pie-warmer. In Hamilton a six year old boy was pulled feet-first from a bin filled with 'end of the line confectionary'. His mother told The Kiwi Herald that she believed his day buried in cheap chocolate might have brought an end to 'his constant bloody whining for treats.'

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL'S COMPUTER SHOCK

Moenui was gripped by a deepening sex-scandal today when a search of local teacher Jim Jenkinson's computer found more 'inappropriate images.' Last week the nearby Meka Valley School principal was censured by the school Board after an IT contractor found shocking images on his computer while attempting to extract a ham sandwich from the floppy drive. The images included 'scores of pictures of Bambi gambolling wantonly and about a thousand pictures of the Disney characters Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'

Board Chairman Paul Apperley told the Herald that while there was no law against having such images on a computer "everyone knows it is not appropriate for someone charged with the care of small children to be locked in his office looking at this stuff. You have to wonder what else he's been looking at don't you?"
The Chairman's question was answered today when the new search of the computer turned up three pictures of MP Ron Mark 'giving the finger.'
Mr Apperley said the Board was appalled that "the school's property was being used to down-load such filth and parents in the community are understandably despairing about the safety of their children."

IRANIAN LEADER CALLS NZ MP "GOOD JOKER"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today described National MP Bob Clarkson as a 'really good joker' and 'a laugh a minute.'
Responding to the Tauranga MP's comments that 'Islam religion-type people' who wore burqas 'could be crooks hiding guns and should go back to Islam or Iraq,' the President said that he had a good giggle when he read the comment and he was sure members of Islamic Jihad had also.
"No one could possibly believe that anyone with half a brain could make such comments except as a joke," said the President, "and quite clearly the New Zealand people would not elect a - how you say - a half-wit to represent them. Personally I haven't laughed so much since MP Bob told the one about impaling his left testicle on the barbed-wire fence."

The 'take me as you find me' Mr Clarkson made the statements to the Dominion Post and then eleborated on them when he hosted the 'Good Jokers Unite Night' in Upper Hutt a few days later. Before an adoring and jolly crowd of 'jokers' and 'the odd shiela,' Clarkson said that when he sees women in burqas walking down the street he wonders whether there could be a terrorist gang or a whole family of illegal immigrants hiding under the garment.
"Clearly allowing these so-called women to wear these tents is dangerous," said Clarkson, "Besides it's not the Kiwi way is it? Who ever heard of 'Burqas on Bikes?"
To a rising tide of laughter, applause and shouts of "Give it to 'em Bob," Clarkson turned his attention to the Government MPs, describing them as "liars, cheats and bloody crooks." He hastily withdrew a further comment that they were, "bum bandits, cross-dressers and assassins of businessmen," saying the terms had "slipped in there accidentally while I was in full voice."

Responding to a question from the floor about gay rights Clarkson said, "I've got nothing against homosexuals and lebanese as long as they're doing it in their own house. I'm with the Israelis on this one. Once they start to try and spread their preferences into other countries and kidnap normal heterosexual soldiers the Jews have to make a stand."
"Let me tell you if those homos try to ram it down my throat, look out," he said to shouts of "Bloody oath."
Mr Clarkson later refused to elaborate on what he meant by the statement telling the Kiwi Herald reporter to "keep it decent."

Meanwhile, Chris Finlayson, National's only gay MP, said he agreed with everything Clarkson had said and would be staying home in future.

FIRST BOOBS ON BIKES; NOW DICKS ON STICKS

Following the success of "Boobs on Bikes" the East Auckland Gigilos Collective has announced a Queen Street parade of it's own. The parade entitled "Dicks on Sticks" will feature naked male sex-workers on stilts and is described by promoter Steve Sparrow as "a bit of good clean fun and a chance for the lads to direct-market their wares to the public." When asked whether such an event was suitable for a public place Sparrow said, "There is absolutely no difference between what we are planning and the show yesterday."
Mayor Dick Hubbard has described the idea as "morally reprehensible."

Meanwhile yesterday's parade continues to bring comment. Police are dismissing media claims that on-lookers for the "Boobs on Bikes" event numbered as many as 100,000, saying that to the less experienced observer the crowd may have appeared to swell to that number but this was an illusion caused by unprecedented levels of tumescence among those gathered. Police are sticking with their estimate of 15,000 and 73,000 cameras.
Indeed emailed photographs of the event brought a halt to trading on the Auckland Stock Exchange later in the afternoon when the NZSX computer system failed to cope with the volume of photographs of porn stars Michel Hill and Fletcher Holding. One observer on the floor said "I haven't seen this much excitment since the day the market nose-dived in '87."
The "Boobs" event also created unprecedented interest overseas with coverage in places as far-flung as Dubai, Delhi, and Dallas. Auckland Chamber of Commerce CEO Michael Barnett told the Kiwi Herald that "such publicity is really putting Auckland on the map and can only be good for the city."
Barnett said he was unsure about the "Dicks on Sticks" event. He thought children might be encouraged to try the stunt at home.
In another development sources say that TV One News, which ran a poll on whether the parade should proceed, will now run an extended breast-based investigation after pictures of the parade drew good ratings. News Head Bill Ralston is quoted as saying that the investigation will include new polls where "viewers will be asked to comment on questions such as 'Which Boob for you- Augmented or Natural?' and 'Do big-breasted women make better mothers?' This will be ground-breaking television," said Ralston.
One insider told the Herald that Angela Bloomfield who was recently voted "best NZ breasts" in a Fayreform poll will front the new TV One investigative team.
Meanwhile in a separate incident on Auckland's notorious Hunters Corner last night, a young prostitute was ordered to 'cover up' by police when she appeared without a top. Speaking later to the Kiwi Herald 'Angel' asked "How come those tarts can flash their tits all through town in the middle of the day and me and my mates get moved on all the bloody time?"
Angel, who says she is 'near enough to sixteen' says that events like "Boobs on Bikes" give a false view of prostitution.
"That's just bullshit. It might look all glamorous wriggling your arse and your boob-job at TV cameras but that's not real. I tell you what's real. It's being banged by a couple of fat old suits in the back of a Lexus, then tipped out onto the gutter, thrown fifty bucks and called a filthy black slut."

PLAYER SUFFERS DIZZY SPELL AS HENRY ROTATES SELECTION

Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. While the selection of a new team was unsurprising the order to replace the entire crowd with fresh lungs was described by one commentator as 'posssibly brilliant but probably an indication of mental instability.'
Henry, however, was unrepentant when he spoke to The Kiwi Herald.
"It's been a long season and a fair number of the crowd are jaded or carrying injuries after a stouch at last week's aftermatch. They would have found it hard to get up for this Saturday's game, especially since Rob at the Masonic hotel is having a birthday party Friday night."

Moenui (pop. 417) market gardener Leung 'the lettuce' Lee became the rotation policy's 403rd player of the season when veteran Rupert Thorne suffered a dizzy spell and had to withdraw when told he was to be rotated onto the team after a 60 year lay-off. The blind-side flanker was dropped from the team in 1946 when he famously vomited after the opposition wheeled the scrum.
An excited Leung Lee paused from dive passing cabbages to tell the Herald it was a great honour to become Moenui's first person of Chinese descent to play for the club and offered an ancient proverb to describe the significance of the event. Gazing across a sea of bak choy towards a mist-shrouded Rugby Park Lee said, "Always remember, with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown." When asked whether the saying had been passed down from his Chinese ancestors Lee replied that it was an old favourite of former all black coach John Mitchell.
The 1m 59 Lee was named at lock where it is believed his mathematical skills will be of great service.
"We've been hammered by refs all season for having too many or too few players in the line-out. We're confident the little Chinese fella will be quick at counting up and ordering the necessary adjustments," Henry said.
The Moenui team's record as they enter saturday's match reads : 15 played, 13 lost, 1 drawn, 1 match abandoned when groundsman's dog ran off with ball.

SCHOOL SPORTS DAY SPARCS EXCITEMENT

One child was hospitalised, another eight were treated for hypothermia and some remain lost following a school sports day that is being hailed as "a brilliant success" by organisers. Moenui Area School held it's first sports day since recently deciding to abandon many traditional sports in favour of 'high performance' sports. Gone were tennis, softball, basketball, soccer and gymnastics. Instead a crowd of enthusiastic parents cheered the children through athletics, rowing, sailing, triathlon and cycling events.

One stand-out athletic performance came from Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea who put the shot through the Principal's office window during a warm-up throw. In another memorable moment school groundsman's dog 'Bounce' easily won the 43 metre high hurdles but was disqualified after she chased a passing javelin and accidentally tore down the official marquee.
In another dramatic turn three six year olds and a confused grandparent who set off on the run-leg of the triathlon have not been sighted since.
"To see those little fellas stagger off their bikes and head off so bravely onto the run would have brought tears to Hamish Carter's eyes," said Principal Hone Morris. "The fact that they are still out there 24 hours later shows they are real champions of the future."
Meanwhile the rowing event failed to live up to pre-race hype when the two rowing shells, built from now disused gymnastic vaulting horses, sank without trace upon launching. The converted tennis racquets which were to be used as oars were tossed into the tide by disgusted competitors who described them as 'a complete waste of time.'
In the board sailing event high winds made for exciting racing and hyperthermia for seven students and the local coast-guard who was rescued by the eventual winner, 8 year old Babe Kendell.
In an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald the school's new Head of Sports and PE Nicholas Hill, dismissed misgivings expressed by parents about the new-look sports day. Hill who admits he does not play sport, says his past experience playing an energetic parrot in 'Treasure Island' and counting trees for Fletcher Challenge had prepared him for the job.
"I think it would have been hard for someone with a sporting background to do this job. Counting trees gives you an ability to see the bigger picture," said Hill.
"Sport can no longer be about fun and games. In the global world it is about money and national pride so we aren't prepared to put our time and money into mediocrity anymore. We are doing away with the sports that don't bring participants big bucks or Women's Weekly cover stories. Hamish Carter, Sarah Ulmer, and that big fat Polynesian chick who throws that steel ball- these are the role models for our future sporting heroes. We are aiming for our students to bring home 6 golds from the Olympics in 2012 and about 20 from the Commonwealth's in 2014."
Meanwhile former softball first-baseman and captain Mati Sorrenson is recovering in hospital having instinctively attempted a catch during the hammer throw event. When asked about Mr Hill's new sporting broom Mati said that the man was obviously a sporting genius. "Trouble is like all brilliant men he will get lots of flash job offers and so he'll move on. There's a rumour that he is off to coach the underwater hockey team in Darfur. He'll be real good there."

Nicholas Hill : sporting genius